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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MN has it all wrong re proposals?

691 replies

alfayruz · 13/02/2022 20:12

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThAtSnOtMynAm · 14/02/2022 18:46

Funny thing is most people do think like that, it's just not talked about irl. If someone said "I proposed to my husband"
I would say "oh wow how amazing" but think "desperate much". Maybe it's our preconceived ideas of love. Just how many of our brains are wired 🤷‍♀️

Skeam · 14/02/2022 18:53

@ThAtSnOtMynAm

Funny thing is most people do think like that, it's just not talked about irl. If someone said "I proposed to my husband" I would say "oh wow how amazing" but think "desperate much". Maybe it's our preconceived ideas of love. Just how many of our brains are wired 🤷‍♀️
Maybe in your circle they do, but fortunately the world’s a big place and elsewhere a woman proposing isn’t seen as evidence of ‘desperation’.
Throckmorton · 14/02/2022 18:54

That's not really an excuse is it - you can always try to address your ingrained sexism rather than embrace it. It's not exactly something to be proud of

Throckmorton · 14/02/2022 18:55

The above was in reply to ThAtSnOtMynAm

NoWordForFluffy · 14/02/2022 18:55

@ThAtSnOtMynAm

Funny thing is most people do think like that, it's just not talked about irl. If someone said "I proposed to my husband" I would say "oh wow how amazing" but think "desperate much". Maybe it's our preconceived ideas of love. Just how many of our brains are wired 🤷‍♀️
Most? Where's your evidence for this assertion?
ImprobablePuffin · 14/02/2022 18:57

I haven't read all the replies yet I'm literally responding to the first post because I DID propose to my DH!

I had said previously about how I wanted a lovely engagement, romantic etc.

Then I spiralled into a suicidal depression and OH picked up the reigns dealt with the kids, did all the cleaning, cooking, housework and worked full time for months until I could cope again.

After all that some poncey proposal seemed so ridiculous after he had shown his devotion and love through all the other things he had done for me. So I proposed and explained I didn't need all the other pointless sentimental shit because he has shown his love in all the other more important ways.

People attach all this meaning to one event when the actual meaning comes from all the other stuff.

ThAtSnOtMynAm · 14/02/2022 19:02

@Throckmorton

That's not really an excuse is it - you can always try to address your ingrained sexism rather than embrace it. It's not exactly something to be proud of
Why does it need to be addressed? We are all entitled to our views. I don't think either way is wrong but we are still free to have our own views aren't we?
Original poster
alfayruz · 14/02/2022 19:04

I do actually believe in each to their own, but his reason I posted is because in MN, it always seems like a quite aggressive competition as to who has had the most non-eventful proposal. ‘Non-eventful’ seems to be equated with ‘better.’ Seriously, what is going on on here? Anyone whose husband proposed to her and is honest that wanted this is a relic of the 1950s and now ... a misogynist GrinGrinGrin. It’s so weird in MN sometimes. In real life, everyone is like... ‘Wow.,, congrats, let me see the ring...”

OP posts:
EmpressCixi · 14/02/2022 19:04

@alfayruz

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

YABU because

  1. is not true. Many have no proposals or the woman proposes...so it does happen IRL

  2. you should never have to propose you should want to propose and it’s sexist to think it’s a turn off if the man isn’t the one proposing.

  3. who proposes has fuck all to do with the bar in a relationship insofar as effort and commitment, otherwise “the bar” has been on the ground for women for centuries.

Throckmorton · 14/02/2022 19:07

You can have whatever views you like, but I'm amazed you see no problem with such sexist views. Or would you also prefer men worked and women stayed home? Thankfully most people recognise sexism as a bad thing, which is why women can vote, work, own property, etc

ThAtSnOtMynAm · 14/02/2022 19:09

@Throckmorton

You can have whatever views you like, but I'm amazed you see no problem with such sexist views. Or would you also prefer men worked and women stayed home? Thankfully most people recognise sexism as a bad thing, which is why women can vote, work, own property, etc
Sexist views? Haha I just think a man should propose. My view. Also, I wear the trousers in my marriage, I am the main earner. We share childcare etc... get off your high horse 😁
ShatnersWig · 14/02/2022 19:13

1) Nobody in actual real life does this

Really? 21 years ago my ex (female) proposed to me (male).

Throckmorton · 14/02/2022 19:14

It's sexist to judge the same act differently depending on whether it is done by a man or a woman. Quite impressive you can't see that.

Original poster
alfayruz · 14/02/2022 19:14

I hardly dare to admit to this .... but I had only known DH 6 months before he proposed. It was a surprise, but not a surprise, if you know what I mean. He tends to be quite direct and when you know you know. What he did was ... he booked us 4 days in a certain place in Italy. He had bought a ring (he guessed I’d want a diamond solitaire in platinum as I don’t really wear gold). We were walking on the coast. He asked me to sit sit on this bench and then he got down on one knee and said some beautiful things I still remember to this day. We have taken out kids back to this place.

On MN the way he proposed would be deemed controlling and cringe. Especially as he had asked for my dad’s ‘blessing’ before we left. He did this because he had barely met him and didn’t want them to worry. Apparently my dad had said, ‘Let’s just pray to god then...’

OP posts:
HelloFrostyMorning · 14/02/2022 19:16

I know it's 2022 and not the 1950s (yawn... ) but I do find a woman proposing to a man very odd.

Yep I really do.

Also, I don't know one single married couple in real life, where the woman proposed. I find it a bit cringe to be honest.

Confusedtraveler · 14/02/2022 19:17

YANBU at all!

Bloody hell, I am expected to do the same hours at work as DH (usually more), to earn at least the same, have the same financial responsibility, be an independent woman bladibla

I stick to the traditional proposal FROM HIM.

It's not mandatory, if others want to propose, no one is stopping them. It would be such a turn off for me.

Confusedtraveler · 14/02/2022 19:18

If he can't be bothered to make an effort for the proposal, not point bothering at all.

HelloFrostyMorning · 14/02/2022 19:19

@lumpofcomfort

I posted my surprise on the thread. I'm not married and have never had a proposal but every single couple I know that married there was a proposal involved and 99% of the time the man proposed to the woman. On MN nobody has a proposal, they just sat down one night and agreed they would get married then went back to watching Netflix or whatever.

I think the mumsnet type thing is the norm tbh. I genuinely believe that most men don't go down on bended knee, with a ring in a box in their hand, stretched out towards their woman.

I don't think the man even gets the ring actually (in most cases,) and I believe that the couple DO decide together to get married, and go and pick the engagement ring together. But she almost ALWAYS goes on to facebook/twitter/instagram, with pics of the ring, saying 'he proposed to me!' We all know that never happened. And as I said, I have NEVER known a woman propose to a man.

Throckmorton · 14/02/2022 19:20

@HelloFrostyMorning

I know it's 2022 and not the 1950s (yawn... ) but I do find a woman proposing to a man very odd.

Yep I really do.

Also, I don't know one single married couple in real life, where the woman proposed. I find it a bit cringe to be honest.

Why cringe? Fair enough if you don't personally want it, but why would you judge others for doing things differently? Do you not see its quite pantonising and sexist to look down on women who do things differently from you?
NotImpossible · 14/02/2022 19:20

@alfayruz

Inspired by a thread the other day, but also a general observation on here, I was thinking ... whenever anyone posts on MN about waiting for a proposal from their DP, you can guarantee hundreds of posts along the lines of ‘just propose to him....’ AIBU to think this is ridiculous because -

  1. Nobody in actual real life does this

  2. Having to propose to a man would be a massive turn off anyway so what is the point?

  3. Even if you could still muster some kind of sexual attraction towards him, the bar is set at rock bottom before you even start - so why would you expect any initiative or effort from him on any other occasions or general life going forward?

AIBU?

I mean, my opinion of a woman who sits around passively waiting for someone else to take control of her life when she knows what she wants but isn't bepenised enough to do it would drop drastically, so I could understand this being a turn off to a man... Unless he's the sort of man who wants control and not equality I suppose.
JassyRadlett · 14/02/2022 19:22

I really can’t understand why it’s a ‘turn off’ but I don’t really understand (at all emotional level) quite a lot about ‘traditional’ relationship dynamics where women want to be chased and would never ask a man out, want to play all sorts of mind games, etc.

AlexaShutUp · 14/02/2022 19:23

FWIW, OP, I don't think there is anything cringeworthy or controlling about your DH's proposal. It sounds lovely and it was obviously very special for you.

To be clear, I don't see any issue with a man proposing. My issue is more with the notion that that's the only right and normal way to do it. I don't like the expectation that this role will fall to the man when the conversation could just as appropriately be initiated by the woman.

I would have taken issue with DH if he had asked for my dad's blessing though. That would have been a deal breaker for me. Perhaps I would have forgiven him if he had at least made a point of asking my mum as well, but even then...I am a grown adult and I make my own decisions. What would he have done if your dad had said that he didn't give his blessing?

NotImpossible · 14/02/2022 19:24

And no, I don't mean a man proposing is controlling so please don't misinterpret/twist that!

Confusedtraveler · 14/02/2022 19:24

@JassyRadlett

I really can’t understand why it’s a ‘turn off’ but I don’t really understand (at all emotional level) quite a lot about ‘traditional’ relationship dynamics where women want to be chased and would never ask a man out, want to play all sorts of mind games, etc.
It's not mind game, it's not getting taken for granted, and start the relationship on a good base., and carry on the same.
AlexaShutUp · 14/02/2022 19:25

@HelloFrostyMorning

I know it's 2022 and not the 1950s (yawn... ) but I do find a woman proposing to a man very odd.

Yep I really do.

Also, I don't know one single married couple in real life, where the woman proposed. I find it a bit cringe to be honest.

So depressing that there are still attitudes like this out there. The idea that a woman exercising agency over her own life is "a bit cringe"...words fail me.