"It feels like I'm never good enough for you!"

[TulipVictory]

Okay so what I really want to know is, is this me or him?

So it's our weekend off, we have children. It's raining outside and not a lot to do but trying to make the best of it and have a nice day. Anyway, yesterday my Husband was moping around all day, he looked like he was sad/down. I said to him a few times are you okay? And he says yes I'm fine but I can tell there's something wrong. Meanwhile I'm trying to be the upbeat one and have a nice day with the little ones. To be honest, I am the upbeat one, sometimes we are having a nice time, my husband comes home from work and he's just not a very chatty person and he tells the children off more than me/has more expectation of how they should behave I suppose e.g. he will think they are being noisy when I think they are just playing/being children so I think we do clash on that.

Anyway, back to my main point. By the evening, I could tell he was still moping and to be honest that brings the mood down of the whole day. Anyway, I ask him what's wrong and he says "it just feels like I'm never good enough for you!". I was like what do you mean? Give me examples? And he says because of the onion rings (I told him that he had put the onion rings in the oven too early and to be fair he hadnt even starting cooking the burgers yet). When I brought up the onion rings he said do you want to do it then! Which to be honest I thought was rude at the time but I was busy going out to the shop to get ice cream for our dessert which he likes! and I bought him beer from the shop. The other example he gave from yesterday was and "the passport photos". I got him to take a few extra shots of me as I thought they were too close. (Sorry I realise this is long winded). Anyway I was fuming I still am!! I stormed off and said really I have been creeping around you all day and it's about some onion rings!!! And he said no it's not just that it feels like nothing is ever good enough !! I said well it's me then thanks a lot and went up stairs to bath the kids.

To be honest I'm still fuming ! Nothing has changed I did not do anything different to normal! In my opinion, he has always been a bit of a man child! The reason I tell him things sometimes is because if I don't it doesn't get done. For example, if he hangs the children's towels up, if I don't tell him to rinse the bath at the same time then the bath will go unrinsed. If I ask him if he can take the bin out I also have to instruct him to put a bin bag back in or it doesn't get done. He has lately taken to get teasy with me for telling him what to do because he isn't stupid but if I don't it doesn't get done! Another example is he leaves his metal shaving foam on the bottom of the shower which leaves an orange ring, I always tell him to make sure he takes it out of the shower which he probably has done about once. I took it out myself yesterday and left it on the shower room floor, he still won't pick it up. Prior to this I took it out of the shower and put it on his bedside in the hope he would put it away? Did he? No! It remained there for more than a month. Sorry I know this sounds petty but I feel betrayed. I work part-time and him full time but I do all the food shopping, I cook all week, I do all the organising. I don't think he has ever bought a toy or item of clothing for our children.

Anyway whilst I was bathing the children after seeing how upset I was he text me saying "It's not the individual things that matter. What I'm trying to say is all I want is for you and our girls to be happy and I feel like I'm failing at both of those things. It feels like work is going well but the 2 most important things in my life, being a Good husband and a good father I'm failing at. I just want to be good at both of those things and I don't really know what it is but I feel like those 2 things I'm being shit at and don't know how to be better. It's not your fault and it's not theirs I just want to get everything right and feel like I get things wrong more. Than I do right". .... I feel like this is totally back-pedalling! I feel like he is trying to spin it with the it's not you, it's me! If I broached this with him, he would say no I'm reading it all wrong blablabla and that's not what he meant 🙄

Anyway, today he is trying to talk as if nothing has happened but I can't get past it to do that, I feel betrayed by him. I feel that maybe he has become unhappy in our relationship and the dynamics as this is what he meant in the first instance by saying nothing he ever does is good enough for me. I feel he just hasn't got the balls to say it!. In my opinion, he has no initiative, if I didn't ask him to do things, they wouldn't get done. This is the way it has always been, nothing has changed so I'm not sure why he is saying this now. If you've got this far, Thankyou for reading

He sounds very unhappy. Question is what do the two of you want to do before resentment builds in. Mumsnet isn’t where you should invest your energy in seeking help. Sometimes the advice here is more detrimental than helpful.

@Why2why thanks you are right but I just was trying to get an outsider opinion

I think he's right. The examples you describe aren't good enough for you. It seems to be your way or no way and no wonder he is feeling it.

He seems decent enough to actually explain it to you, has supporting examples which demonstrate it's not just his perception and he has told you he wants to be a good father and husband.

He does seem like a man who is trying both on terms of effort and communication but your superiority complex means you are annoyed rather than actually listening and trying to improve things for both of you.

Not what you want to hear I'm sure but I can totally see where he's coming from.

It’s really, really hard to tell and I do think this may be one of those cases where it may look really different depending on the point of view of who is relating the story.

I think you’re doing pretty much all the childcare related things which must be a pain but I also can see that it must get a bit exhausting for him constantly being told, corrected, instructed. I’ll probably get flamed for that as the overwhelming view will probably be that he should do it right the first time but if it was me I think I would start to feel like my life was a constant set of tasks to do and things to complete and it would get me down to be honest.

He tried to open up to you about how he's really feeling and you accuse him of back peddling... It really sounds like there is a communication issue and you need to sit down as adults and talk but more importantly listen to each other. Yes he does sound absent minded and annoying but you need to both set your expectations of each other and talk it through and I'm afraid that sometimes that means having to put up with the irritating things and that means as partners you have to lower the expectation at times over petty things. I get how annoying it is when someone is being Eeyore, and it does bring everyone done but he does sound unhappy and that he feels he is failing you.

I really am sorry to say but your contempt for your partner is clear in your posts. I have no idea if this is warranted and I'm sure may posters will come on here to confirm that he is a man child and you would be better off without him. Maybe that is the case but only you can really know for sure how much of this is about what he does or about how you feel about him.

He may well not always do all the things you ask of him. Is he supposed to do that? How many of the things you want him to do are really a big deal if he doesn't do them.

I agree with the previous op that you need to talk to your DH but with an open mind, with a curious one as to how your DH feels. This does not mean you have to ignore your needs just that you need to actually hear each other.

He has told you how he feels when you constantly tell him how to do things . Don't be angry about that, instead tell him how it makes you feel when he ignores the things you ask him to do.

Surely it is not beyond you both to find a better way? This does depend though on both of you assuming the other still has good intentions even if they can't always live up to them

He is telling you your behaviour is making him unhappy and stressed.

But you are behaving like you are because HIS behaviour is making YOU unhappy and stressed.

I would take a step back and think about whether he is someone you care about and whether you actually want to make your marriage work. If you do, you could try talking this through without getting "fuming" at each other, perhaps in marriage counselling. If you don't care about his feelings, why are you married?

"It's not the individual things that matter. What I'm trying to say is all I want is for you and our girls to be happy and I feel like I'm failing at both of those things. It feels like work is going well but the 2 most important things in my life, being a Good husband and a good father I'm failing at. I just want to be good at both of those things and I don't really know what it is but I feel like those 2 things I'm being shit at and don't know how to be better. It's not your fault and it's not theirs I just want to get everything right and feel like I get things wrong more. Than I do right"

Also I would be utterly gutted if my DP sent me this, and worried that he was depressed. The fact you are fuming and think he's backpedalling makes me think that you don't really care about his feelings tbh.

@namechange30455

The reason I say he is back-pedalling is because he was basically saying I made him feel like anything he did wasn't good enough. However, the text changes the tune and he says he feels he just can't do anything right. If I spoke to him I know he will say that he didn't mean I was making him feel like that. I just want him to be honest.

Are you always this insulting about him? The way you've written this makes me feel he is completely right. I don't see how you're the one feeling 'betrayed' when the poor guy clearly cannot do anything right, or at all, without you correcting him to how you want things done. He's trying to tell you how you're making him feel, but yet you're on here complaining about him being a man child with no initiative.

OP I found this quite a painful read as it’s so like me, and fairly similar to my DH, although I would say he’s a lot more proactive.

I “nag” him though about stuff like you describe. Tiny, insignificant stuff that have no actual reflection of their characters, but that for you, and for me, feels like just common sense stuff. Why should you even have to say? I find it very hard to not point these sort of small, petty things out when it’s detrimental (eg the example you describe about leaving a rusty ring from the shaving foam can).

I have no advice. I try and not be petty, but my DH isn’t perfect either and often moans at me about petty things.

We are stuck in a cycle like that, some days/weeks are fantastic as he is a kind, genuinely nice man, but then I think the nit picky cycle is hard to get out of.

Watching the replies with interest.

Perhaps he said the first thing in the heat of the moment and then he really reflected on it and realized it was him feeling he was failing, the fact he felt he had to text it to you rather than feeling he can say it is very telling.

You also seem to think that he isn't happy in the relationship so I'm wondering if part of you is getting so defensive because you're afraid he wants out. You sound very stressed.

Again, you need to talk with him qnd listen to each other, and as other have suggested if you can't speak just the two of you, get a professional involved.

[quote TulipVictory]@namechange30455

The reason I say he is back-pedalling is because he was basically saying I made him feel like anything he did wasn't good enough. However, the text changes the tune and he says he feels he just can't do anything right. If I spoke to him I know he will say that he didn't mean I was making him feel like that. I just want him to be honest.[/quote]
I don't really understand how the text is different. He feels nothing he does is good enough. He feels he can't do anything right. Are those two things different? They're the same to me, what's the difference to you? Whether he's "blaming you" or not?

Do you care that that's how your behaviour is making him feel?

You seem too focused on the semantics rather than the issue.

Your husband feels shit, whether it's his doing or your doing is actually a minor issue, the fact he feels so lousy is a massive issue. He's trying to get you to listen and to hear him and you are trying to win an argument.

The other posters could be right. But this could also be a convenient way to manipulate you into doing all of the household stuff, consciously or otherwise. Do a persistently crappy job, then when corrected, say oh God, I'm just not good enough for you, I feel so terrible etc etc etc.
Putting a new bin bag in is hardly perfectionism, it's not like you're insisting it's placed with perfect symmetry or ritually blessed or something.

Is he unable to complete tasks at work? Would he edit a document but then not send it to the person who needs it? Would he leave his things out for a month, or in a way that makes the place dirty? Would he leave a client with the job only 80 percent done?

So what if the bath goes unrinsed, is that really such a big deal?

Having someone watch what they werebdoing and giving a running commentary on what they are doing wrong would make most people feel pretty crap.

We learn from our mistakes, if he is making dinner let him get on with it the way he wants, if the onion rings are burnt or cold he'll know for next time. If he leaves an orange ring in the shower he will need to clean it and can decide which he prefers.

Your poor dh has tried to explain how you are making him feel and you say he isnt doing that right either 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh here we go, was waiting for the first one! OP please talk to your husband, I'm sure many posters will follow suit telling you that your anger is justified and the husband and the father of you children is a worthless piece of trash. TAlK TO HIM. Otherwise you'll just get angrier and angrier and nothing will change and everything will get worse.

@Momicrone no it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. However, if I did not tell him, he would not do any of these things. Everything would be left dirty and a mess. The bath for example would remain unrinsed indefinitely. He does not do anything around the house at all on his own because he thinks it needs to be done. I have to put it on his radar and to be honest, I am tired of it. I am tired of having to do this and being seen as the nag.

You seem to be angry at him all the time - whether that's because he's a shit partner, or because you have kids and everything is about them for a whole, or because you have super-high standards, I'm not sure.

But the anger by now will be a blocker, and no wonder he had to text to communicate with you - you seem to storm off from him a lot when he communicates. (He was rude about lunch, you went off to the shops. He was miserable and you went to do the kids baths.)

When was the last time you two had dinner or an evening together and really talked?

@Blanketpolicy the orange ring would stay there indefinitely and it would appear that he would never have even noticed 🤷‍♀️

Actually no that's not true. He would never see the orange ring because he'd never move the shaving foam from the same spot in the bottom of the shower in the first place 🙄

The metal shaving can/orange ring thing sounds petty AF. From someone who solely cleans the bathroom. The binbag I can understand frustration if you have told him x1000 but as someone who is absentminded its also a bit strange to parent him like that. If he is responsible for dmptying the bins, let him forget a few times. He will deal with the bin once he has to clean up the grot.

I think his message was fair and clear. You are obviously holding him in contempt, he doesn't know why, its making him sad and feel worthless he is telling you that. Why does that maje you feel more contempt, rather than worried? Be honest with yourself. Do you still like him or are you falling out of love with him? Doesn't matter why or how but are you?

You aren't listening to him and you aren't listening to most of the replies either.

Which is more important a happy husband and family life or a bad in a bin? Seriously, you speak about him with contempt & the whole world would fall apart if you don't keep it in order. You will be posting in a few years wondering why he has left you.

I think he's right. The examples you describe aren't good enough for you. It seems to be your way or no way and no wonder he is feeling it

He's an adult. Should the OP really need to say 'please put the full bin out and when you come back in, put in a new black bag' so it gets done? Or should she really need to tell a grown man - who is capable of reading instructions on the back of packets - that putting in onion rings before burgers isn't going to produce an edible meal for them? and lord knows, in the current climate, we really don't want to be wasting food unnecessarily.

I suppose, OP, you perhaps need to let him make his own mistakes with things like the onion rings (although the food waste would drive me insane). If he can't manage the bin then I suspect what he's doing is being deliberately obtuse so you don't ask him again. I would have a conversation with him when you've both calmed down - explain you really need help in the house but that help needs to be sensible and logical. Tell him you'll make every effort not to sweat the small stuff if he makes every effort to do a full job of simple stuff like the bin. It's not about failing, it's about making more of an effort, isn't it? An effort to do the full job, not just half of it when you're doing something elsewhere.

Personally, I think you are looking at this wrong. I say this because I can relate.

If I have been down, when put in the spot I struggle to communicate what it is that bothering me. Given sometime, I can explain it better. Sometimes writing or typing it out helps me articulate how I feel.

I have depression and when I am feeling low, I struggle.

I don't think he is back pedalling. I think what he said came out wrong. He feels he isn't good enough. You took it very personally and it escalated. He tried to further explain how he was feeling. Both times, you made it about how you feel about what he said.

He might be a shit partner. I don't know. But in this situation, you really seems like you basically wanted him to cheer up. Pretend everything is fine. Rather than know what the problem is.