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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"It feels like I'm never good enough for you!"

144 replies

TulipVictory · 13/02/2022 12:57

Okay so what I really want to know is, is this me or him?

So it's our weekend off, we have children. It's raining outside and not a lot to do but trying to make the best of it and have a nice day. Anyway, yesterday my Husband was moping around all day, he looked like he was sad/down. I said to him a few times are you okay? And he says yes I'm fine but I can tell there's something wrong. Meanwhile I'm trying to be the upbeat one and have a nice day with the little ones. To be honest, I am the upbeat one, sometimes we are having a nice time, my husband comes home from work and he's just not a very chatty person and he tells the children off more than me/has more expectation of how they should behave I suppose e.g. he will think they are being noisy when I think they are just playing/being children so I think we do clash on that.

Anyway, back to my main point. By the evening, I could tell he was still moping and to be honest that brings the mood down of the whole day. Anyway, I ask him what's wrong and he says "it just feels like I'm never good enough for you!". I was like what do you mean? Give me examples? And he says because of the onion rings (I told him that he had put the onion rings in the oven too early and to be fair he hadnt even starting cooking the burgers yet). When I brought up the onion rings he said do you want to do it then! Which to be honest I thought was rude at the time but I was busy going out to the shop to get ice cream for our dessert which he likes! and I bought him beer from the shop. The other example he gave from yesterday was and "the passport photos". I got him to take a few extra shots of me as I thought they were too close. (Sorry I realise this is long winded). Anyway I was fuming I still am!! I stormed off and said really I have been creeping around you all day and it's about some onion rings!!! And he said no it's not just that it feels like nothing is ever good enough !! I said well it's me then thanks a lot and went up stairs to bath the kids.

To be honest I'm still fuming ! Nothing has changed I did not do anything different to normal! In my opinion, he has always been a bit of a man child! The reason I tell him things sometimes is because if I don't it doesn't get done. For example, if he hangs the children's towels up, if I don't tell him to rinse the bath at the same time then the bath will go unrinsed. If I ask him if he can take the bin out I also have to instruct him to put a bin bag back in or it doesn't get done. He has lately taken to get teasy with me for telling him what to do because he isn't stupid but if I don't it doesn't get done! Another example is he leaves his metal shaving foam on the bottom of the shower which leaves an orange ring, I always tell him to make sure he takes it out of the shower which he probably has done about once. I took it out myself yesterday and left it on the shower room floor, he still won't pick it up. Prior to this I took it out of the shower and put it on his bedside in the hope he would put it away? Did he? No! It remained there for more than a month. Sorry I know this sounds petty but I feel betrayed. I work part-time and him full time but I do all the food shopping, I cook all week, I do all the organising. I don't think he has ever bought a toy or item of clothing for our children.

Anyway whilst I was bathing the children after seeing how upset I was he text me saying "It's not the individual things that matter. What I'm trying to say is all I want is for you and our girls to be happy and I feel like I'm failing at both of those things. It feels like work is going well but the 2 most important things in my life, being a Good husband and a good father I'm failing at. I just want to be good at both of those things and I don't really know what it is but I feel like those 2 things I'm being shit at and don't know how to be better. It's not your fault and it's not theirs I just want to get everything right and feel like I get things wrong more. Than I do right". .... I feel like this is totally back-pedalling! I feel like he is trying to spin it with the it's not you, it's me! If I broached this with him, he would say no I'm reading it all wrong blablabla and that's not what he meant 🙄

Anyway, today he is trying to talk as if nothing has happened but I can't get past it to do that, I feel betrayed by him. I feel that maybe he has become unhappy in our relationship and the dynamics as this is what he meant in the first instance by saying nothing he ever does is good enough for me. I feel he just hasn't got the balls to say it!. In my opinion, he has no initiative, if I didn't ask him to do things, they wouldn't get done. This is the way it has always been, nothing has changed so I'm not sure why he is saying this now. If you've got this far, Thankyou for reading

OP posts:

amnm · 13/02/2022 17:12

OP - I'd recommend you have a look at Sheyl Sandberg's 'Lean In' book. There's a really useful section about sharing housework - it says that many women complain that men don't do enough housework, but then when men do, women will complain that they're not doing it 100% to their standards. If someone is constantly complaining that you don't do it 100% right, then I can see why it would be upsetting for them.

Newestname002 · 13/02/2022 17:13

Dear @TulipVictory

It sounds like the two of you need some help with clear, honest and sensitive communication from a neutral, professional counsellor who can help you both talk to each other safely and with respect and both get some reflection and positivity from those sessions.

It seems a shame to let these niggles (small maybe but frequent) on both sides get in the way of your relationship and, indirectly, that if your children. Hope you can both work this out. Good luck. 🌹

Eslteacher06 · 13/02/2022 17:30

Wow...some of the comments on here.....

I had exactly the same argument with my husband, and he said exactly the same thing. It's so bloody annoying. No advice, but honestly, some of the comments on here are very unfair

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/02/2022 17:35

@amnm

Very good point

Ttcfinalbub · 13/02/2022 17:48

What are his good qualities ? Can you write 5 things you love about him? It does sound like you like everything to a certain standard which we all do but maybe your exhausting yourself more trying to chase him to do it imo which is going to make you feel even more anger and make him feel poppier and make him retreat into his mental man cave more.

Usererror1999 · 13/02/2022 17:49

Being honest. You do sounds like hard work over pretty petty things. I can understand where he is coming from. He is an adult but it sounds like you are being an overbearing mother to him.

Sn0tnose · 13/02/2022 18:24

@amnm

I’d recommend taking the book and chucking it in the bin, where it belongs. He’s feeling inadequate because he’s doing a half arsed job and expecting praise for it. This isn’t a case of him hoovering the house from top to bottom and the OP complaining because she can see the hoover marks in the carpet, or him cooking dinner and her complaining that she doesn’t like the veg. He’s actively causing her more work. And it’s not her being fussy because the cushions haven’t been plumped enough, or the curtains opened neatly. This is basic stuff. Who doesn’t realise that when one bag comes out of the bin, another bag needs to go in? How does he think the bag gets in there? Who doesn’t realise that wet metal leaves rust marks? So her choices are to either do it herself so she doesn’t have to live in a shit hole, or take the blame for her marriage deteriorating? What sodding choice is that? He’s her husband but he’s behaving like another child she has to clean up after and making the OP feel like she’s a nag. Would he expect his boss to be happy if he told them that he’d written an email but didn’t know he had to press ‘send’ as well?

OP, you need to sit down and talk to him when your DC are in bed so they can’t interrupt. Tell him that you understand how he feels because the situation is making you miserable as well and you’d like to fix it so that you can both be happy. You’re not asking him to do anything more than pull his weight and not cause you extra work. So what are his suggestions? Because the current situation is not sustainable for either of you.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 13/02/2022 18:35

You say

Another example is he leaves his metal shaving foam on the bottom of the shower which leaves an orange ring, I always tell him to make sure he takes it out of the shower which he probably has done about once. I took it out myself yesterday and left it on the shower room floor, he still won't pick it up. Prior to this I took it out of the shower and put it on his bedside in the hope he would put it away? Did he? No! It remained there for more than a month.

the orange ring would stay there indefinitely and it would appear that he would never have even noticed.
Actually no that's not true. He would never see the orange ring because he'd never move the shaving foam from the same spot in the bottom of the shower in the first place

Are you absolutely sure he doesn't have a beard, since he doesn't seem to use his shaving cream at all?

Thatsplentyjack · 13/02/2022 18:36

*Oh bore off with this. I'm sick to death of the low-key (and not so low-key) man hating on this site.

I used to jokingly say I'll come back as a man next time to see what it's like, I take it back. People carry on about women being reduced to their sex and yet it's ok for women to do it to men? Fuck that.*

Oh bore of with this shit. I'M so sick to death of the 'poor man he's trying to do something and your criticising him' shite. Fucking right because he's doing a half arsed job everytime.

Cherrysoup · 13/02/2022 18:55

He’d drive me nuts. He didn’t time the meal properly, bit basic. He leaves his shaving gel to rust in the bottom of the shower, basic stuff that adds to your work load. I can’t understand the comments on here saying the OP is nagging/micromanaging. Why should she have to clear up after an adult? Or tell him what to do? It’s ridiculous!

Thatsplentyjack · 13/02/2022 18:59

@Giraffesandbottoms

The women on here who are just calling him manipulative etc and don’t see he is being honest about his feelings…are you guys married?! Men aren’t just robots without feelings trying to get one over on us all the time!

Why would we need to be married?

ManAlive24 · 13/02/2022 19:02

Aibu has been infiltrated by a bunch of male apologists and pick-me girls.

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/02/2022 19:08

@Thatsplentyjack

You don’t “need” to be but I’m not sure I would take marriage advice from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be married.

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/02/2022 19:09

@ManAlive24

Bullying people who don’t subscribe to your views and opinions is not a good look

Thatsplentyjack · 13/02/2022 19:11

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Thatsplentyjack

You don’t “need” to be but I’m not sure I would take marriage advice from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be married.[/quote]
Oh sorry, I forgot, its the 1950's here and you must be married to a man to live with one.

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/02/2022 19:14

@Thatsplentyjack

Pretty pedantic - I’m sure it’s not necessary to have to write married OR in a long term relationship OR with a live in partner each time. It’s much of a muchness.

Suprima · 13/02/2022 19:28

@Giraffesandbottoms

I live with a man who spoils me rotten, is beautifully tidy, an amazing chef and a glorious shag, thank you very much. I have never ‘asked him’ to do anything and he doesn’t needed to be ‘mind reader’ as he is a grown up and sees when things needs to be done.

I would sooner swallow my own thumbs than be with this stroppy swamp monster who needs to be asked to wash the bath out after he uses it. I can’t believe the race to the bottom on here with people making excuses for this lazy fuckers behaviour and manipulation.

I would rather be single forever than spend the day in the relationship of a person who thinks this poor little lamb is just communicating his feeeeeelings and OP is meaaaaaaan

Thatsplentyjack · 13/02/2022 19:33

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Thatsplentyjack

Pretty pedantic - I’m sure it’s not necessary to have to write married OR in a long term relationship OR with a live in partner each time. It’s much of a muchness.[/quote]
Well its really annoying when we are questioned as to whether we are MARRIED or not because our views or experiences don't count unless we are. Tedious.

Others4Dreams · 13/02/2022 21:06

You can have it all your own way, if you live alone
You can have this if you seperate

Living with other people, is about compromise

You are pushing him away, with your nagging

Sn0tnose · 13/02/2022 21:17

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Thatsplentyjack

You don’t “need” to be but I’m not sure I would take marriage advice from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to be married.[/quote]
I’m not sure I’d take marriage advice from someone who thinks it’s acceptable for one spouse to have the piss taken out of them because the other spouse is too lazy to pull their weight. I’d much rather take advice from someone who would prefer to be single than be treated like someone’s skivvy, before being guilted into thinking that they’re to blame.

Not that it makes the slightest bit of difference, but I’m very happily married. Funnily enough, that’s partly connected to the fact that he doesn’t do faux incompetence.

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/02/2022 22:01

@Sn0tnose

I don’t think in this scenario the spouse isn’t pulling his weight; I think he’s doing stuff and getting micromanaged. If you ask someone to cook dinner then complain about the timings of various elements I think that’s shit. I would also feel this way if my husband micromanaged me or constantly complained about my shortcomings. No one is perfect, relationships take compromise.

Sn0tnose · 13/02/2022 22:39

@Giraffesandbottoms

I don’t think in this scenario the spouse isn’t pulling his weight; I think he’s doing stuff and getting micromanaged He’s doing half a job and causing her extra work. He can’t be bothered to think about timings so food either goes cold or to waste. He can’t be bothered to rinse the bath out so it makes it harder for her to clean. She can’t use the bin without checking it first because he can’t be bothered to replace the bin bag. She’s not micro managing him. She’s sick of cleaning up after him.

If you ask someone to cook dinner then complain about the timings of various elements I think that’s shit If you can’t cook the most basic meal for your spouse and children without fucking it up because you can’t be bothered to turn the packet over and read the cooking times, I think that’s shit. What was she supposed to do? Watch him waste food?

I would also feel this way if my husband micromanaged me or constantly complained about my shortcomings So would I. But if he told me that my laziness was making his life harder, then I’d have to listen to him and start doing things properly.

No one is perfect, relationships take compromise I completely agree. But there is a massive difference between compromising and taking the piss out of your spouse, which is what he’s doing.

phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2022 23:11

How is not :

being able to put a bin bag in a bin after you’ve taken it out

Draining a tub after using it

Able to read cook times so everything comes out hot

a shortcoming?

These are simple things that most of us learn as children and are expected to know when we go out in the world as adults. If he were single, if something happened to OP, or he had a roommate, he would have to do these things. These are not things you should have to tell or remind a spouse to do.

Eslteacher06 · 13/02/2022 23:20

Thank god. The first lot of posters were making me despair!

Of course, no one likes to be criticized. But why then do half a job? She's not taking over, she's constantly providing initiative. It's EXHAUSTING.

Absolutely grinds my gears! What would he do if I was not around anymore?

This is all about the mental load. Women have been taught from a young age to deal with this. And it's not bloody fair! I'd almost go so far as to say it's internalised misogyny

AnneElliott · 13/02/2022 23:26

Some of these replies are weird. Honestly what adult doesn't know you have to replace the bloody bin bag!

I shout at the scouts if they don't do that on camps and some of them are only 14!

So what's op supposed to do then? Make do without a bin bag or do it herself? If someone in house share was being so shit they'd be told to shape up or leave but because he's a poor little man he can't manage!!

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