"It feels like I'm never good enough for you!"

[TulipVictory]

Okay so what I really want to know is, is this me or him?

So it's our weekend off, we have children. It's raining outside and not a lot to do but trying to make the best of it and have a nice day. Anyway, yesterday my Husband was moping around all day, he looked like he was sad/down. I said to him a few times are you okay? And he says yes I'm fine but I can tell there's something wrong. Meanwhile I'm trying to be the upbeat one and have a nice day with the little ones. To be honest, I am the upbeat one, sometimes we are having a nice time, my husband comes home from work and he's just not a very chatty person and he tells the children off more than me/has more expectation of how they should behave I suppose e.g. he will think they are being noisy when I think they are just playing/being children so I think we do clash on that.

Anyway, back to my main point. By the evening, I could tell he was still moping and to be honest that brings the mood down of the whole day. Anyway, I ask him what's wrong and he says "it just feels like I'm never good enough for you!". I was like what do you mean? Give me examples? And he says because of the onion rings (I told him that he had put the onion rings in the oven too early and to be fair he hadnt even starting cooking the burgers yet). When I brought up the onion rings he said do you want to do it then! Which to be honest I thought was rude at the time but I was busy going out to the shop to get ice cream for our dessert which he likes! and I bought him beer from the shop. The other example he gave from yesterday was and "the passport photos". I got him to take a few extra shots of me as I thought they were too close. (Sorry I realise this is long winded). Anyway I was fuming I still am!! I stormed off and said really I have been creeping around you all day and it's about some onion rings!!! And he said no it's not just that it feels like nothing is ever good enough !! I said well it's me then thanks a lot and went up stairs to bath the kids.

To be honest I'm still fuming ! Nothing has changed I did not do anything different to normal! In my opinion, he has always been a bit of a man child! The reason I tell him things sometimes is because if I don't it doesn't get done. For example, if he hangs the children's towels up, if I don't tell him to rinse the bath at the same time then the bath will go unrinsed. If I ask him if he can take the bin out I also have to instruct him to put a bin bag back in or it doesn't get done. He has lately taken to get teasy with me for telling him what to do because he isn't stupid but if I don't it doesn't get done! Another example is he leaves his metal shaving foam on the bottom of the shower which leaves an orange ring, I always tell him to make sure he takes it out of the shower which he probably has done about once. I took it out myself yesterday and left it on the shower room floor, he still won't pick it up. Prior to this I took it out of the shower and put it on his bedside in the hope he would put it away? Did he? No! It remained there for more than a month. Sorry I know this sounds petty but I feel betrayed. I work part-time and him full time but I do all the food shopping, I cook all week, I do all the organising. I don't think he has ever bought a toy or item of clothing for our children.

Anyway whilst I was bathing the children after seeing how upset I was he text me saying "It's not the individual things that matter. What I'm trying to say is all I want is for you and our girls to be happy and I feel like I'm failing at both of those things. It feels like work is going well but the 2 most important things in my life, being a Good husband and a good father I'm failing at. I just want to be good at both of those things and I don't really know what it is but I feel like those 2 things I'm being shit at and don't know how to be better. It's not your fault and it's not theirs I just want to get everything right and feel like I get things wrong more. Than I do right". .... I feel like this is totally back-pedalling! I feel like he is trying to spin it with the it's not you, it's me! If I broached this with him, he would say no I'm reading it all wrong blablabla and that's not what he meant 🙄

Anyway, today he is trying to talk as if nothing has happened but I can't get past it to do that, I feel betrayed by him. I feel that maybe he has become unhappy in our relationship and the dynamics as this is what he meant in the first instance by saying nothing he ever does is good enough for me. I feel he just hasn't got the balls to say it!. In my opinion, he has no initiative, if I didn't ask him to do things, they wouldn't get done. This is the way it has always been, nothing has changed so I'm not sure why he is saying this now. If you've got this far, Thankyou for reading

What a tedious, shitty relationship. You both would be much happier without each other.

It does sound as though things he does are not quite to your standards. Either you specify your "correct way " or you go around ( making yourself a "martyr") and fixing things he gets wrong. I would suggest a written jobs list, alternating tasks by week. Also include some for the children , like setting or clearing the table DO NOT criticise or correct anything anyone else does. Yes you do need help and support with the boring stuff in life. How is he otherwise? Loving ? Caring? Do you make time only for yourselves now and then?.He does seem to be struggling a bit but just from what you have written I have the feeling there are a lot of positives in your relationship (especially in comparison to some of the massively selfish , arrogant mind-game playing f ....elbows written about on here )

It does sound like you think he's an utterly pathetic and useless prick.

I'm not surprised he's unhappy.

The thing for you is that whether you're prepared to not treat him like that or whether you're going to wait until he meets somebody who thinks that actually, he's not useless or incompetent to the point of malice. And then hate him for leaving.

@Momicrone

So what if the bath goes unrinsed, is that really such a big deal?

Honestly i makes it harder to clean which isn't an issue unless your the one cleaning it

There are people who need to be treated as robots and given clear instruction: "Please would you put out the bag from the bin, and also put a new bag into the bin when you get back indoors. Also, if the bag you use is the last bag in the pack, please would you make a note that we need more bin-bags?"

(I am assuming the please. I know you ought not to have to ask him to do things which are his job, but please doesn't do you any harm and it may make him feel better.)

It does sometimes feel like a totally uphill struggle, especially if someone forgets repeatedly to do the whole of a job or always (for instance) leaves teaspoons to dry with water sitting in the bowl of them so they stay wet for about three days and you get a dribble of water down your front when you pick them up (yes, that is a very heart-felt example), but getting obviously cross almost never helps. (Throwing the teaspoon at him makes the point but also makes him grumpy.)

Let him burn the onion rings next time it's not your problem

Is he the one who empties the bin regularly? I would be inclined to think that's not my problem too just scrape that shit right on in there then he will notice no bin bag next time he empties it if he questions why there is no bin bag tell him he decided there shouldn't be one in there rather than nag him you decided its not an issue

Up your hours to full time if you can that way you can split chores more evenly make sure you give him the ones he makes worse

And sort out your finances a bit

I was completely with you until you shared his text message- which was completely lovely! He showed remorse at making you feel bad then he explained to you clearly and honestly why he felt bad, it was not blaming you either. Then he explained his insecurity in how it impacts his most important relationships! This is not a lazy half arsed man who does it because he can get away with it. There is a lot you both can do to fix this. Because he is more than willing too. Maybe he can have specific jobs in the house he can do and become expert in, show him once how to do it then you don't need to stand over him to do it. You can hold your tongue on things- if he burns the onion rings it's not the end of the world but mentioning it might be!

My husband is a pain when it comes to tidying. But because he is, I've given him jobs that I hate doing like finances, bins, mowing the lawn, cleaning and he oven, the hob. He organises activities for the kids and the mail. All things I absolutely loath doing but then I do all the things he can't stand so it works.

Remember he has offered the olive branch, he's shown remorse, explained his feelings and wants to make things better- so let him! Don't hold grudges it's really not worth it.

I can't get over you feeling betrayed that he's unhappy, as if he owed you constant happiness and joy or he's a bad husband.
If DH told me he felt he wasn't good enough for us I'd reassure us he was, and yes that prob involves a conversation about how I'm always telling him to do stuff because he needs reminding of every step but that doesn't mean I want someone else or he's a failure.

Its reasonable to sit down and tell him you don't want to have to constantly list every action, but it also means that you have to accept he's not going to do everything exactly the way and when you decree.

I'm not surprised he feels inadequate

It sounds like you are carrying the mental load and that it's becoming too much for both of you. Too much for you because you feel like you're micromanaging everything instead of having a partner you can rely on. And too much for him because he feels like you are treating him like a child. I think you both need to have an open and honest conversation without pointing fingers so that you can hopefully come to a compromise before resentment builds.

If you haven't already maybe give this a read www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load

I think you've had some unkind responses.
The problem with a man who needs to be told everything because they can't be bothered to think for themselves, is that you do come to think less of them.
He's right in that you are probably pissed off with him ,in a low level kind of way , a lot of the time, but he needs to understand that deliberate or thoughtless incompetence is not attractive.
I think you might need to spell that out now rather than putting up with mediocre husbanding for the long term. He knows he's not pulling his weight, he needs to understand that if he wants you to be happy, he's going to have to act like a grownup.

Perhaps try asking him to do something not instructing him to do it. You said he is a bit of a man child and to be honest he is probably scared to do anything because of reaction if it is not done perfectly. He tells you he is unhappy and you turn into all about you. You both need to have a good long chat and listen to each other. I really hope you can resolve this because you both need to be happy and have a loving relationship. Maybe counselling is a good idea. Hope it works out for you both

He sounds depressed and you sound impatient with him

Poor him and I also feel sorry for you, too. Because it's awful living with someone who is depressed.

I think you are permanently annoyed with him which won't help. Do you even like him? It sounds like you don't like him anymore

I thought his text was lovely. I feel for him. Your posts show contempt for him "manchild" "no initiative" and so much more.
Contempt is the absolute death of a relationship.

He feels he isn;t good enough no matter how he tries. You also feel he isn;t good enough. it isn;t going to change and perhaps you should set him free. Your contempt will grow to hatred. You have absolutely no empathy for him at all in your posts :(

I wouldn't get hung up on the small stuff like rinsing a bath out etc

Just do it yourself if it is upsetting you, it's not worth the grief. My husband doesn't even take the fucking plug out when he washes the kids.

The kitchen will always get messy again etc.

Just make a joke of the fact you have to remind him to do things and be kind to him. I always make a joke with my husband about him just never bloody listening or forgetting stuff. I'm so imperfect myself that I couldn't ever be a nag to him.

@cultkid

I wouldn't get hung up on the small stuff like rinsing a bath out etc

Just do it yourself if it is upsetting you, it's not worth the grief. My husband doesn't even take the fucking plug out when he washes the kids.

The kitchen will always get messy again etc.

Just make a joke of the fact you have to remind him to do things and be kind to him. I always make a joke with my husband about him just never bloody listening or forgetting stuff. I'm so imperfect myself that I couldn't ever be a nag to him.

Lovely post

I'm actually gobsmacked at the amount of posters who seem to think your husband is right, you are controlling, insulting towards him etc.

How difficult is it to put in a fresh bin bag for example? It's not. I'll bet he wouldn't be so hapless at work, only completing half of a task.

And as for what difference does it make if he doesn't rinse the Bath? Then the OP has to do it!!

I also think he is manipulating you, so that you then say, of course, I'll do all these tasks that you half arse, so that you will be happy and feel like a good husband and father.

I can feel your frustration OP.

Honestly from your OP it sounds like you can be a bit of a nag/he may have a point.
But he may be one of these who wants a mum as a girlfriend where he doesn’t want any responsibility.

I would consciously try and not nag/nitpick for the next 2 weeks. Even if he’s going to do something incredibly stupid just let him get on with it and make his own mistakes.
If you’re both happier after the 2 weeks then great and if not you might need to look into relationship counselling to try and get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself this - if he had to work away for a month what would your first reaction be? Sadness? Or relief? That will tell you a LOT.

For what it's worth, I was a single mum for years and it was much easier than having a man in the picture (although I do love my partner very, very much, life in general was much easier because if something wasn't done then that was on me and that's ok and I wasn't ever walking into someone else's mess). Nothing will kill your love faster than having a man child to take care of. If he wants to be a better husband/father, then whining to you is futile. There are literally millions of videos, blogs, Tik Toks, forums etc to help him level up to an acceptable standard without you having to guide him through it. He's being disrespectful to you and you either give him some time to improve independently or you stay put and run the risk of showing your daughter's that it's OK for men to be thoughtless slobs.

It sounds like you have certain things you like done in specific ways. I have a friend who is very particular about house stuff and I get a bit panicky if I am at her house because I will probably do something wrong. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. Maybe you aren’t very compatible.

This sounds so familiar.

Last October, I was ready to leave my husband over petty shit like this.
I despaired of him, thought he was useless and quite frankly was a bitch to him.

The reason - I was fed up of having to deal with everything. Like you, my energy went on DC and by the time it came to him, every little annoyance because a big deal.

I recognised I was at breaking point, and booked therapy sessions. I thought to try to get stronger to get through being a single parent.
Turns out, I was/am depressed, suffering from anxiety and this is manifesting as needing extreme levels of control in my surroundings.

In short therapy has saved our marriage.
First, I realised I was permanently angry. Really, hulk like angry. So we worked on that in our sessions.
Then we looked at control and what I thought I needed to be safe.
My therapist gave me ways to speak to my husband, who luckily understood and has really worked hard to support me.
In return he has recognised how what he did (or to the point didn't do) affected me.

I can't believe the difference in such a short space of time.
I used to feel that everything my husband did was a personal attack on me, increasing my workload and needing to be mothered, which was very unsexy.

I share this, not because I think you need therapy, but because it's a matter of perspective but you need to break the cycle first.
If you are like me, he would annoy you within 10 mins of waking and it would only escalate from there

@WonderfulYou

Honestly from your OP it sounds like you can be a bit of a nag/he may have a point. But he may be one of these who wants a mum as a girlfriend where he doesn’t want any responsibility.

I would consciously try and not nag/nitpick for the next 2 weeks. Even if he’s going to do something incredibly stupid just let him get on with it and make his own mistakes.
If you’re both happier after the 2 weeks then great and if not you might need to look into relationship counselling to try and get to the bottom of it.

This is a good idea - purposefully decide not to nag, remind, instruct, or oversee for a good two weeks, perhaps a month. But crucially, also don't go round picking up all the pieces after him either. Let your standards slip - let everything slip to his level.

After the time is up, see how you feel. Could you live long-term with his standard of housework/cleanliness/incompetence? Alternatively, could you accept long-term that your standards are higher therefore you will always be cleaning up after him and doing it willingly and happily?

During your two weeks or month of "not doing", did he start to question why things weren't done or why you hadn't done them? If so, this shows he sees it as your job - big red flag. Or was he much happier with the arrangement, that the house looks worse but the atmosphere is better without your "nagging and criticising"?

You won't know the answers unless you try this out.

If you feel you just can't do this experiment, it would drive you mad and make you too angry and you couldn't bear it all falling apart and important stuff being missed - then the atmosphere would still be terrible anyway. In which case there is no answer to the dilemma, i.e. there is a bad atmosphere if you criticise but also a bad atmosphere if you don't criticise and stuff gets left.

You can't change him or train him or teach him. You can only accept him or leave him.

What comes through in your OP is a need to be in control, contempt, anger and frustration.

Your husband seems to have reached the end of his rope, and in his desperation he wrote this:

"It's not the individual things that matter. What I'm trying to say is all I want is for you and our girls to be happy and I feel like I'm failing at both of those things. It feels like work is going well but the 2 most important things in my life, being a Good husband and a good father I'm failing at. I just want to be good at both of those things and I don't really know what it is but I feel like those 2 things I'm being shit at and don't know how to be better. It's not your fault and it's not theirs I just want to get everything right and feel like I get things wrong more. Than I do right"

And all you get from this is that he backpedalling? Really? Can you not see that he is truly desperate?

You can make an effort to communicate with him, and try to stop sweating the small stuff.

Or watch your marriage go down the pan. Your choice.

My dh rarely cleans the bathroom but he’s good in most other ways so I let it go.
If I’m away I gently remind him I would like to come back to a clean bathroom.
He does however keep our garden to a higher standard than I ever could.

I think you need to back off a bit and accept defeat over the shaving foam. Or buy shaving foam in a non metal container.

As for cooking my dh is very hit and miss, I just play to his strengths with meal choices.

[quote TulipVictory]@Blanketpolicy the orange ring would stay there indefinitely and it would appear that he would never have even noticed 🤷‍♀️

Actually no that's not true. He would never see the orange ring because he'd never move the shaving foam from the same spot in the bottom of the shower in the first place 🙄[/quote]
You need to look at yourself, this post just highlights you pick at the bits that allow you to have another dig at others/your dh. Not the bits that could be useful to you reflecting on your own behaviour.

I do understand this because my husband is useless domestically and I do often find myself having to remind him of things…BUT….

You come across as very unpleasant towards him. The “blah blah”, the eye rolling. Where is the respect? Where is the care? Maybe he’s manipulating you - but maybe he’s genuinely had enough of being nagged all the time. People aren’t the same. He doesn’t see or realise or care about the shower ring etc and being constantly corrected would be a massive downer on anyone.

I received some fantastic marriage advice recently from someone - about the importance of staying in the friend/lover role as a foundation of your marriage. Not just becoming a mother or a headmistress who nags/tells off/complains all the time (this was a HUGE issue for me during lockdown as my husband was home in MY domain and absolutely got treated by me as an employee!). The same goes for him by the way, he also needs to make an effort - but you will only get there with honest and kind communication where you look at how you can navigate these “issues” together. Just telling someone off repeatedly and picking on things is not helpful. Sometimes you need to let it go and eat cold onion rings.