"It feels like I'm never good enough for you!"

[TulipVictory]

Okay so what I really want to know is, is this me or him?

So it's our weekend off, we have children. It's raining outside and not a lot to do but trying to make the best of it and have a nice day. Anyway, yesterday my Husband was moping around all day, he looked like he was sad/down. I said to him a few times are you okay? And he says yes I'm fine but I can tell there's something wrong. Meanwhile I'm trying to be the upbeat one and have a nice day with the little ones. To be honest, I am the upbeat one, sometimes we are having a nice time, my husband comes home from work and he's just not a very chatty person and he tells the children off more than me/has more expectation of how they should behave I suppose e.g. he will think they are being noisy when I think they are just playing/being children so I think we do clash on that.

Anyway, back to my main point. By the evening, I could tell he was still moping and to be honest that brings the mood down of the whole day. Anyway, I ask him what's wrong and he says "it just feels like I'm never good enough for you!". I was like what do you mean? Give me examples? And he says because of the onion rings (I told him that he had put the onion rings in the oven too early and to be fair he hadnt even starting cooking the burgers yet). When I brought up the onion rings he said do you want to do it then! Which to be honest I thought was rude at the time but I was busy going out to the shop to get ice cream for our dessert which he likes! and I bought him beer from the shop. The other example he gave from yesterday was and "the passport photos". I got him to take a few extra shots of me as I thought they were too close. (Sorry I realise this is long winded). Anyway I was fuming I still am!! I stormed off and said really I have been creeping around you all day and it's about some onion rings!!! And he said no it's not just that it feels like nothing is ever good enough !! I said well it's me then thanks a lot and went up stairs to bath the kids.

To be honest I'm still fuming ! Nothing has changed I did not do anything different to normal! In my opinion, he has always been a bit of a man child! The reason I tell him things sometimes is because if I don't it doesn't get done. For example, if he hangs the children's towels up, if I don't tell him to rinse the bath at the same time then the bath will go unrinsed. If I ask him if he can take the bin out I also have to instruct him to put a bin bag back in or it doesn't get done. He has lately taken to get teasy with me for telling him what to do because he isn't stupid but if I don't it doesn't get done! Another example is he leaves his metal shaving foam on the bottom of the shower which leaves an orange ring, I always tell him to make sure he takes it out of the shower which he probably has done about once. I took it out myself yesterday and left it on the shower room floor, he still won't pick it up. Prior to this I took it out of the shower and put it on his bedside in the hope he would put it away? Did he? No! It remained there for more than a month. Sorry I know this sounds petty but I feel betrayed. I work part-time and him full time but I do all the food shopping, I cook all week, I do all the organising. I don't think he has ever bought a toy or item of clothing for our children.

Anyway whilst I was bathing the children after seeing how upset I was he text me saying "It's not the individual things that matter. What I'm trying to say is all I want is for you and our girls to be happy and I feel like I'm failing at both of those things. It feels like work is going well but the 2 most important things in my life, being a Good husband and a good father I'm failing at. I just want to be good at both of those things and I don't really know what it is but I feel like those 2 things I'm being shit at and don't know how to be better. It's not your fault and it's not theirs I just want to get everything right and feel like I get things wrong more. Than I do right". .... I feel like this is totally back-pedalling! I feel like he is trying to spin it with the it's not you, it's me! If I broached this with him, he would say no I'm reading it all wrong blablabla and that's not what he meant 🙄

Anyway, today he is trying to talk as if nothing has happened but I can't get past it to do that, I feel betrayed by him. I feel that maybe he has become unhappy in our relationship and the dynamics as this is what he meant in the first instance by saying nothing he ever does is good enough for me. I feel he just hasn't got the balls to say it!. In my opinion, he has no initiative, if I didn't ask him to do things, they wouldn't get done. This is the way it has always been, nothing has changed so I'm not sure why he is saying this now. If you've got this far, Thankyou for reading

I'd tell him that you love him but when he leaves domestic chores half done or for you to finish it feels like he doesn't respect you or the home that you share.

But this could also be a convenient way to manipulate you into doing all of the household stuff, consciously or otherwise. Do a persistently crappy job, then when corrected, say oh God, I'm just not good enough for you, I feel so terrible etc etc etc.

Yes I'm thinking this too. I was stuck with someone like that for a while..it got a bit gaslighty.

I was never satisfied apparently. My standards were too high thus causing him to lose confidence not being able to please me
Then when I'd get practical about that and suggest we aren't a good match and should think about parting ways, he would back peddle too and say it was all him. He didn't know what was wrong and was sorry.
I'd feel sorry for him, tell him we will help build his confidence and I would "back off".

It was all just a line....to get things to go back to normal for him so he could live his life not bothering with the "important day to day stuff".

I hope that's not the case here op. Just keep communicating what it is you need from him. And try not to only bring that up when theres been an argument.

Jesus Christ he hasn't fucking betrayed you by telling you how he honestly feels!

He sounds like he is either depressed or on his way to getting there and you just seem to ooze contempt for him.

So he keeps quiet and you are cross with him sulking but then he tells you what's bothering him and you go mad and storm off?
He can't really win in this situation.

I do understand why the other stuff bothers you though OP. Doing nothing for your dc isn't good enough. Little things like not picking up after himself or putting a bin bag in add up and seems like a lack of care.
It reminds me of this
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Can you sit down and have a really good talk about asking him to step up and how to communicate better so he's not sulking and you are not storming off?

Doesn’t sound like he is good enough for you tbh and I would keep it in mind

What a fucking lazy baby. The ‘poor me’ act is manipulation, so you don’t ask him to do anything- nothing more.

You’ll get posters on here who have similar toddlers for partners and husbands who will tell you to CoMmUniCaTE but he’s communicating well enough- he doesn’t give a shit, would happily live in a swamp and you gently reminding him to perhaps cook the burgers before the onion rings so you don’t all have cold/burnt food is tantamount to emotional abuse.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous OP.

He was quiet because he was annoyed and you asked him what was wrong. I'm betting he knew exactly what your reaction would be which is why he didn't want to tell you. Then when he did eventually give in you gave him the reaction he expected and are now dismissing his feelings.

If he's cooking, let him bloody cook. There is nothing more annoying than being micromanaged.

I can see where he's coming from to be honest. It is just little stuff from what you say but you appear to pull him up on things if he doesn't do them the way you want them done.

Once these feelings get a hold it can be difficult to shift them. He sounds as though he really loves you all and he was very honest in his text which must've taken uts to write.

You got upset because you didn't like what he said to you and he feels sad because of the way you speak to him.

Sometimes you have to choose your battles and maybe not rinsing out the bath or doing things exactly the way you'd do them, really isn't a big deal.

I think he fundamentally feels that he is 'helping' and you are ungrateful to criticise because he's being a good guy in generously doing some of your work.

But he is not helping. He is parenting his children/ adulting.

It sounds like you are constantly correcting him over petty things and it’s taking a toll.

You write that you are the upbeat one but that does not fit with everything else you have written.

Can you let some of these things go? Put the bin bag in yourself. (And leave a few extras in the bottom of the bin.)

"Gently reminding him"... You weren't there and neither was I so we don't know how this interaction played out. Of course the op wil say it was gentle but that may not have been the way it went at all and may have been a overreaction .

[quote TulipVictory]@Momicrone no it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. However, if I did not tell him, he would not do any of these things. Everything would be left dirty and a mess. The bath for example would remain unrinsed indefinitely. He does not do anything around the house at all on his own because he thinks it needs to be done. I have to put it on his radar and to be honest, I am tired of it. I am tired of having to do this and being seen as the nag.[/quote]
Sounds like you expect your husband to be a mind reader. You are two separate, individual people, with your own minds and thoughts and opinions. You are expecting him to do things according to your priorities and in exactly the way you would do them, and that’s not fair because he isn’t you!! The only way he can be good enough is to basically be a clone of you.

This is supposed to be a partnership. You each need to play to your own strengths, and what matters to you. You do those things that you care about, and he does the things that matter to him. Make a list of the ‘boring but necessary’ jobs (cooking and cleaning maybe) and split it 50/50.

And when it’s his turn to cook dinner, leave him alone to cook dinner his own way instead of being a micro-manager.

OP, two things I noticed from your first post are

That you correct him, rather than allow him to get on with what he does, imperfect though it may be. By doing that you create an Adult/Child situation where you play adult and he;s the child.

the other one is that he seems unable to take criticism. It;s as though he thinks he 'ought' to do things perfectly first time, and any suggestion he needs to make an adjustment feels like a personal criticism.

I honestly think you could both compromise. If he cooks, let hin cook. Sit down and say Yum, however it turns out. DH does this to me, even when I burn things.

And gently say to him that wanting him to make an adjustment to something like a passport photo is in no way a criticism of him or how good he is. Loads of things we do need tinkering with to get right and it had never occurred to you that he is anything less that wonderful, just because you want a photo at a different angle.

Watch when you speak to him that you don't sound like a teacher to a pupil or mother to a child. Discuss adult to adult.

@WinterDeWinter

I think he fundamentally feels that he is 'helping' and you are ungrateful to criticise because he's being a good guy in generously doing some of your work.

But he is not helping. He is parenting his children/ adulting.

To me it sounds like the OP runs the house and wants everything exactly her way. When he does anything she corrects him.

Also like they have different standards of housekeeping and need to discuss and come to some agreement. My DH needs everything perfect, even things I would never have noticed. I’m ok with this now and even enjoy the order and cleanliness. However, it took some spirited discussion to get us there. He was also originally of the mind that I should just “know” how things “should” be.

OP has another thread where he was doing stuff in the garden at the weekend (just mowing the lawn etc, sounded like stuff that NEEDED doing) and she was inside getting upset while he was outside doing things, because she had wanted to spend the day with him but hadn't communicated that.

Sounds like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't tbh.

[quote TulipVictory]@namechange30455

The reason I say he is back-pedalling is because he was basically saying I made him feel like anything he did wasn't good enough. However, the text changes the tune and he says he feels he just can't do anything right. If I spoke to him I know he will say that he didn't mean I was making him feel like that. I just want him to be honest.[/quote]
He is being honest. You are not listening and you are picking holes in what he is saying instead of absorbing it. If he is backpedaling it is because you are punishing him for his honesty. And you are proving his point. He doesn't feel he can do any right. He tells you that. And you get angry and critical about how he is telling you.

I knew it wouldn't be long before someone trotted out the abuse line.

The response would be different if the sexes were reversed and it was a woman saying she felt she couldn't do anything right, and the husband was continually walking away and/or reacting in anger.

I see this as an issue of standards and also the mental load that women are socialised to carry, whereas men are not.

I'm speaking very generally and there are obviously many exceptions, but as I see it, women (and girls) are socialised to ensure all the food ready and hot at the same time. To rinse the bath so it's not gross. To put the bag in the bin. If we don't do this, we're failing.

Men are not socialised in this way. They are not considered failures or lazy if they don't do these things, they are praised for even attempting them, even if they only do half the job.

I don't think there's a right or wrong, but it isn't fair on either of you to not try to see the other person's perspective and meet in the middle.

If you ask him to move his razor, he can be considerate and do it. If he asks you to not interfere with how he cooks dinner, barring a major hygiene concern, you can also make an effort to respect his wishes.

I think marriage counseling would benefit you both as there are probably a lot of things that lie under the surface of this dynamic, and bringing them to light and getting some new communication tools could really help.

@namechange30455

OP has another thread where he was doing stuff in the garden at the weekend (just mowing the lawn etc, sounded like stuff that NEEDED doing) and she was inside getting upset while he was outside doing things, because she had wanted to spend the day with him but hadn't communicated that.

Sounds like he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't tbh.

She's also got a thread about her mom not being good enough 🤷‍♀️

My ex used to be like this. Unintentionally left a mess everywhere and literally did not have the life skills or common sense to know how to keep a house clean and tidy. His mum and his grandma have always done absolutely everything for him, even washing and ironing his shirts! He’s now 34, moved back in with his grandma when I kicked him out and she still does everything for him. I don’t think she understands that she’s actually not doing him a favour in the long run as guys like this struggle to find a woman who will put up with it for years!!

[quote TulipVictory]@Momicrone no it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. However, if I did not tell him, he would not do any of these things. Everything would be left dirty and a mess. The bath for example would remain unrinsed indefinitely. He does not do anything around the house at all on his own because he thinks it needs to be done. I have to put it on his radar and to be honest, I am tired of it. I am tired of having to do this and being seen as the nag.[/quote]
You're still saying here that things have to be done and be done you're way.

I'd love you to really listen and think about to what the majority of people are saying here. This isn't about the bath or rubbish bag or onion rings, it's about how you treat your husband, how you speak to him and how you make him feel completely inadequate.

You seem unable/unwilling to even try to see where he's coming from. It's all about how you feel, how he's upset you, how he's annoyed you, how he's made you angry, how he's failing time and time and time again and you're only too happy to point each of these failures out to him.

You want things done your way and you're unwilling to accept that there's any amount of pettiness and unreasonableness on your part.

Sounds like he's never going to be good enough for you.

@NeverChange

You seem too focused on the semantics rather than the issue.

Your husband feels shit, whether it's his doing or your doing is actually a minor issue, the fact he feels so lousy is a massive issue. He's trying to get you to listen and to hear him and you are trying to win an argument.

I agree with this 100%.

Does he actually do less than his fair share (work plus housework plus childcare combined)? Or is it that he does it but he does it "wrong"?

If it's that he really tries to do the cooking and housework etc, but doesn't do it "right", I think you are being a bit unfair. It actually takes practice to get the hang of cooking and cleaning. Let him get it wrong sometimes and learn from his mistakes gradually. Constantly nitpicking is no way to live with someone.

His message sounded apologetic and self-deprecating. I'm actually baffled why it would make you more angry rather than less.

Fwiw I would not give a monkeys about a rusty ring on the shower floor and I leave random stuff on my bedside table for months too. If my dh nagged me constantly about that sort of thing it'd make me Eeyore too.
My dh is "the tidy one" in our relationship but we compromise, there's just certain things he gets upset about so I make an effort (like keeping the kitchen sinks clear) but he doesn't nag me about umpteen petty things like it sounds like you do, op.

You feel betrayed by him? Blimey that’s a bit dramatic isn’t it?!!!
The way I see it is that yesterday he was having a wee sulk an indulgent day of feeling sorry for himself. You had a word with him, he gave his head a wobble and all now is fine with the world, well maybe not fine but back to normal. The End.

@Why2why i soo agree. Most of the advice here escalates issues.