"It feels like I'm never good enough for you!"

[TulipVictory]

Okay so what I really want to know is, is this me or him?

So it's our weekend off, we have children. It's raining outside and not a lot to do but trying to make the best of it and have a nice day. Anyway, yesterday my Husband was moping around all day, he looked like he was sad/down. I said to him a few times are you okay? And he says yes I'm fine but I can tell there's something wrong. Meanwhile I'm trying to be the upbeat one and have a nice day with the little ones. To be honest, I am the upbeat one, sometimes we are having a nice time, my husband comes home from work and he's just not a very chatty person and he tells the children off more than me/has more expectation of how they should behave I suppose e.g. he will think they are being noisy when I think they are just playing/being children so I think we do clash on that.

Anyway, back to my main point. By the evening, I could tell he was still moping and to be honest that brings the mood down of the whole day. Anyway, I ask him what's wrong and he says "it just feels like I'm never good enough for you!". I was like what do you mean? Give me examples? And he says because of the onion rings (I told him that he had put the onion rings in the oven too early and to be fair he hadnt even starting cooking the burgers yet). When I brought up the onion rings he said do you want to do it then! Which to be honest I thought was rude at the time but I was busy going out to the shop to get ice cream for our dessert which he likes! and I bought him beer from the shop. The other example he gave from yesterday was and "the passport photos". I got him to take a few extra shots of me as I thought they were too close. (Sorry I realise this is long winded). Anyway I was fuming I still am!! I stormed off and said really I have been creeping around you all day and it's about some onion rings!!! And he said no it's not just that it feels like nothing is ever good enough !! I said well it's me then thanks a lot and went up stairs to bath the kids.

To be honest I'm still fuming ! Nothing has changed I did not do anything different to normal! In my opinion, he has always been a bit of a man child! The reason I tell him things sometimes is because if I don't it doesn't get done. For example, if he hangs the children's towels up, if I don't tell him to rinse the bath at the same time then the bath will go unrinsed. If I ask him if he can take the bin out I also have to instruct him to put a bin bag back in or it doesn't get done. He has lately taken to get teasy with me for telling him what to do because he isn't stupid but if I don't it doesn't get done! Another example is he leaves his metal shaving foam on the bottom of the shower which leaves an orange ring, I always tell him to make sure he takes it out of the shower which he probably has done about once. I took it out myself yesterday and left it on the shower room floor, he still won't pick it up. Prior to this I took it out of the shower and put it on his bedside in the hope he would put it away? Did he? No! It remained there for more than a month. Sorry I know this sounds petty but I feel betrayed. I work part-time and him full time but I do all the food shopping, I cook all week, I do all the organising. I don't think he has ever bought a toy or item of clothing for our children.

Anyway whilst I was bathing the children after seeing how upset I was he text me saying "It's not the individual things that matter. What I'm trying to say is all I want is for you and our girls to be happy and I feel like I'm failing at both of those things. It feels like work is going well but the 2 most important things in my life, being a Good husband and a good father I'm failing at. I just want to be good at both of those things and I don't really know what it is but I feel like those 2 things I'm being shit at and don't know how to be better. It's not your fault and it's not theirs I just want to get everything right and feel like I get things wrong more. Than I do right". .... I feel like this is totally back-pedalling! I feel like he is trying to spin it with the it's not you, it's me! If I broached this with him, he would say no I'm reading it all wrong blablabla and that's not what he meant 🙄

Anyway, today he is trying to talk as if nothing has happened but I can't get past it to do that, I feel betrayed by him. I feel that maybe he has become unhappy in our relationship and the dynamics as this is what he meant in the first instance by saying nothing he ever does is good enough for me. I feel he just hasn't got the balls to say it!. In my opinion, he has no initiative, if I didn't ask him to do things, they wouldn't get done. This is the way it has always been, nothing has changed so I'm not sure why he is saying this now. If you've got this far, Thankyou for reading

OP he's telling you that he doesn't feel like he's good enough or getting it right because YOU make him feel like that. Your post was all about nit picking and micromanaging. It's no wonder he feels like he does. Sorry if you don't like to hear that, but that's what comes across from your posts.

I’d say he making excuses now to leave the relationship.

Sounds like he's a bit incompetent and wants to turn it on you, but really, who takes the bin out and doesn't put a new bag in? And who leaves whatever the shower thing is next to their bed for a month?
Hes listed stupid things he's done that you've pointed out, he's realised that those things are pretty basic and make him look incompetent, and now he wants to make you feel bad by trying to convince you you're just a nag that's knocking his confidence 🙄. Oldest trick in the book. Strategic incompetence.

Honestly I would be devestated if my partner told me that's how I was making him feel, his text message is so sad.

I don't understand why you keep saying you're "fuming."

You come across as unpleasant, whining and full of contempt for your DH rather than the 'upbeat' person you claim to be.

Okay so what I really want to know is, is this me or him?

It's you. It really is. I agree with him that whatever he does isn't good enough for you. And you keep on and on and on at him. Even when he told you he was ok you kept pushing and pushing. And then bitched about him when he finally told you how he felt. I feel sorry for him.

@NeverChange

You aren't listening to him and you aren't listening to most of the replies either.

Which is more important a happy husband and family life or a bad in a bin? Seriously, you speak about him with contempt & the whole world would fall apart if you don't keep it in order. You will be posting in a few years wondering why he has left you.

Yes so suck it up OP and just do the bloody bins yourself everytime. Make dinner yourself everytime if you want an edible meal. Poor guy can't do anything right. How is he supposed to remember to put a bin bag in the bin, for god sake he has a penis you know. That makes these simple tasks much more complicated!

Amazing! he's managed to manipulate several woman on mumsnet aswell. He's a clever one.

Time for you to go and tell him how YOU feel OP.

Yes so suck it up OP and just do the bloody bins yourself everytime. Make dinner yourself everytime if you want an edible meal. Poor guy can't do anything right. How is he supposed to remember to put a bin bag in the bin, for god sake he has a penis you know. That makes these simple tasks much more complicated!

Oh bore off with this. I'm sick to death of the low-key (and not so low-key) man hating on this site.

I used to jokingly say I'll come back as a man next time to see what it's like, I take it back. People carry on about women being reduced to their sex and yet it's ok for women to do it to men? Fuck that.

I think he sounds depressed.
I think he feels he is being driven into a corner and fails on everything.
In all this 'direction' and 'instruction'.. do you ever say he is wonderful, amazing, clever, dreamy, gorgeous or sexy?
If you emphasis the negatives for long enough he will/already has start(ed ) believing that is all there is.
Can you set all this angst aside and just tell him you love him and want to get close again... work together to make things better between you for all the family?

When you grind someone down with constant criticism, no matter who they are - man, Roman, or child; they will feel incompetent and deeply unhappy.

OP you can double down and make things worse. It’s entirely up to you and what you hope to achieve.

One thing is for sure; if this continues, the outcome is even more unhappiness all around. You can take some advice here about doubling down and criticising and fuming, etc even more. I can hardly see how that leads to any improvement.

If your preferred option is to make him feel worse, baby him and tell him what to do, how to do it, criticise what ever he does, etc then you might as well skip all that stress and get a divorce.

That should have been “man, woman or child”.

Making people feel worthless is just plain old bullying.

Sounds like the tiring pathetic bickering me and exH used to do.Havent got time for that shit which is one of the reasons i ended it.

This is Wifework 101, have you read the comic strip of it?

You have been socially conditioned to be house proud.

He has been socially conditioned to not see home cleanliness as a priority or his responsibility.

These viewpoints are fundamentally incompatible. Either one or both will compromise. Resentment will brew. Eventually one of you will bow out.

If you want a spick and span house you have 3 choices:
-Have your own House
-clean up after him

• one of you pay for a housekeeper

Or just accept the status quo

Or lower your standards and live with it.

You can't change him, only yourself.

"It feels like I'm never good enough for you!"
= “Don’t think anything is going to change and by the way, any reminders, requests or criticism are nagging and unacceptable.”

I don’t see the back peddling in this. Both what he said and what he texted are consistent.

You repeatedly asked him what was wrong; finally he sends a text pouring his heart out , blaming himself.

That was a real opportunity to talk, listen; suggest therapy; anything. instead

What do you do? Write a new list of complaints about him. He's trying to spin it, he's backpedalling, he shows no initiative, he hasn't got the balls to tell you he's at fault. HE JUST DID.

No wonder he doesn't talk much :-(((

He sounds very unhappy . I think you being harsh about the text he sent, he was prepared to be vulnerable and open up to you and that’s not the easiest thing to do.

I’m your situation I would sit down to talk and try to be as receptive as you can to each other, sometimes it helps to give each other 5 minutes of uninterrupted time each to just speak ( not rant, or blame, keep it to how it is for you, not what you think is wrong with him).

Also With someone who is unhappy it helps to stay by saying the most positive thing you can about the relationship . So if it’s true for you, you could say “ I want to start by letting you know that I really love you, and I would love this to work”. It’s set the tone to get a good outcome.
But it also sounds like he could do with some help, could you/ he afford therapy?

You both need to sit down and talk to each other as he is telling you how he feels and you walk away. Communication so important and not about who is right or wrong. Listen to what he is saying and then you explain calmly it is the little things that drive you mad like the bin and the can of shaving foam which would drive me mad also. Make a few changes where he can help you in the house and help bathe the children and try to do some fun things together so it is not all work.

Agree with other's also you do seem very unemotional and you should be able to go hug your partner/husband and sit down and talk to him and respect each other and you both need to make changes instead of being angry he opened up to you. Make time for each other which does not involve everyday chores and talk about the little things that are bothering you. But relax a bit and show a bit of understanding as not easy for men to open up and you are fuming that he did.

It's very hard to judge based on what you've written.

"I feel I'm not good enough" could mean:

• I really feel this way. I feel unloved.
• I know I'm not good enough and I want to change; or
• I'm really cross that you're holding me to account. You should be grateful because I'm the big I am and you don't show it.

He sounds like a man child who doesn't take responsibility for anything or think about what he is doing. This would piss me off too. It must be frustrating being the only adult in the relationship and then getting huffed at for the situation he has created.

The women on here who are just calling him manipulative etc and don’t see he is being honest about his feelings…are you guys married?! Men aren’t just robots without feelings trying to get one over on us all the time!

@Why2why

He sounds very unhappy. Question is what do the two of you want to do before resentment builds in. Mumsnet isn’t where you should invest your energy in seeking help. Sometimes the advice here is more detrimental than helpful.

Sometimes?

I would just like to counter the "op is so disrespectful" thing that's been repeated often above.

She may be completely disrespectful. But let us not lose sight of the fact that the husband here appears to think of his wife as a domestic appendage.