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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my DH at my birthday party

133 replies

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 22:59

It's my birthday coming up - just a standard one (not a milestone). I just want a girls night and don't want my husband there or any of their husbands/partners. After being stuck in a man/boy house all this pandemic, I only like the company of my female friends and family members to be honest. Hanging out socially with my husband feels like a chore and changes the dynamic of all-female gatherings. And I want to actually have a fun birthday this year (after not celebrating the past 3 years (including my 30th) due to being in labour on my 30th and covid the past 2 years.

Would this be weird? Would you think it's strange if you were invited to a friends birthday and her husband wasn't there and she said no (male) partners allowed?

YABU - yes it's weird, your DH should be there and husbands should be welcome
YANBU - no it's completely fine, men are boring

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 12/02/2022 23:00

Nothing wrong with girls night for your birthday. You can still.do something with dh too

Cakequeen1988 · 12/02/2022 23:00

Perfectly reasonable!

sadpapercourtesan · 12/02/2022 23:01

Well, my DH would be hurt and we would both be wondering what to do about the fact that spending time together socially had become "a chore". I think that's a bigger problem than your birthday party.

Nothing wrong with an all-female night out at all, but I wouldn't do it for a milestone birthday personally.

minipie · 12/02/2022 23:05

Can’t you do something with your husband on your birthday and a girls’ night another day close to your bday?

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 23:07

@sadpapercourtesan it's not a milestone. But I wasn't sure if it's expected husbands come to all birthday parties regardless of whether it's a milestone or not, because in my friendship groups my friends' husbands are always at their meals/parties. And I also know my DH would expect to be there.

I agree about the chore aspect - we've been talking about counselling but haven't got round to it. With young children it always seems to take a backseat to all the other chaos.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2022 23:07

Hanging out socially with my husband feels like a chore

This doesn't bode well at all.

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 23:07

@minipie

Can’t you do something with your husband on your birthday and a girls’ night another day close to your bday?
I don't really want to do something separate with my husband Confused
OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 12/02/2022 23:11

Do you not like your husband? It seems quite sad that you find spending time with him socially a chore! I sometimes like to go out alone with my friends but I'd never describe spending time with my dp like that!

I would definitely expect to be invited to his birthday celebrations and he would expect to come to mine.

DiddyHeck · 12/02/2022 23:12

Is it a party or a night out for your birthday?

If it's the former then it's not weird at all. If it's the latter, I'd say slightly strange to throw a party and not invite your husband.

DiddyHeck · 12/02/2022 23:12

Oh, swap former and latter around. I'm tired Blush

MMMarmite · 12/02/2022 23:14

It's worrying that you neither want to do something alone with your husband, or as a group.

Your marriage sounds in trouble. I'd make it a priority to try to recapture shared enjoyment.

amiafreakofnature · 12/02/2022 23:15

@sadpapercourtesan

Well, my DH would be hurt and we would both be wondering what to do about the fact that spending time together socially had become "a chore". I think that's a bigger problem than your birthday party.

Nothing wrong with an all-female night out at all, but I wouldn't do it for a milestone birthday personally.

Many people have been stuck at home with their others halves for the past couple of years due to covid restrictions and feel a bit tense People don't have to live in each other's pockets and socialising with people outside of your immediate family is okay!
AlphabetStew · 12/02/2022 23:18

Is it just that the two of you have been locked up (or locked down) together for the most part of the last two years, cabin fever is hitting hard and you want some time in someone else's company? (Anyone else's company Wink) or do you genuinely not find any joy in each others company? Having young kids is hard, and relentless, there's less time to be a couple, just the two of you. So this could be just temporary burn out. Only the two of you can know the answer to that

It's your birthday, do what you like! Nothing wrong with having a girls night. It's completely up to you. I mean, you can ask your friends to attend solo and they can choose to accept or not. It wouldn't be odd to have an all-girls bash. It might be a bit odd if everyone else was in pair and your partner was noticeably absent.

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 23:19

Is it a party or a night out for your birthday?

just a night out - agree a party without him there would be super weird but wondering if a birthday night out is also weird socially.

Do you not like your husband? It seems quite sad that you find spending time with him socially a chore! I sometimes like to go out alone with my friends but I'd never describe spending time with my dp like that!

Well, he's quite a negative person in terms of outlook and I'm someone who is naturally positive but my mood is very affected by the people around me. So being locked in a home together with him for extended periods over the past 2 years was quite draining. I find that these days I only laugh and feel like the old happy me when he's not there Sad

OP posts:
aloris · 12/02/2022 23:21

When you say you live in a "man/boy" house, I assume what you mean is that you only have male children and the activities and entertainment in your home is heavily centered on topics that are typically preferred by males. I sympathise. I don't know how you should celebrate your birthday, but it sounds to me as if, for your birthday, you want to do some things YOU like, instead of things that your husband and kids like. So I would say, plan that, and then when they (inevitably) complain that your interests are boring, then you can raise the issue that you want to enjoy your birthday and not just spend your evening pretending that John Wick 6573324234 is your favorite movie.

Also, have some more in-depth discussions with your husband that your entertainment as a couple needs to be less focused on man activities and more focused on things you also like.

Whatwouldyoudo24 · 12/02/2022 23:24

You’re more than entitled to want a girls night! I love my husband to bits but love a girls night and have one semi regularly!

I’d still make plane with DH separately for your birthday but don’t feel bad about a girls night!

Sometimeswinning · 12/02/2022 23:27

I was going to say my dh would be more than happy to stay home with kids so I could have a my friends night out. But your situation is a whole other thing.

Kite22 · 12/02/2022 23:28

I would like to "un-vote" as I clicked YANBU - which is what I think about the night out but I do not want to vote "men are boring"

I agree with others, the fact you find it a 'chore' to go out with your dh is not sounding good.

However, going for a meal, or a few drinks or a dance with the gals is a perfectly normal and usual thing to do, in my world.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2022 23:29

Your marriage is in very serious trouble.

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 23:30

@aloris

When you say you live in a "man/boy" house, I assume what you mean is that you only have male children and the activities and entertainment in your home is heavily centered on topics that are typically preferred by males. I sympathise. I don't know how you should celebrate your birthday, but it sounds to me as if, for your birthday, you want to do some things YOU like, instead of things that your husband and kids like. So I would say, plan that, and then when they (inevitably) complain that your interests are boring, then you can raise the issue that you want to enjoy your birthday and not just spend your evening pretending that John Wick 6573324234 is your favorite movie.

Also, have some more in-depth discussions with your husband that your entertainment as a couple needs to be less focused on man activities and more focused on things you also like.

Yes it's all of this too! I only have boy children and my husband moans and drags his feet about anything remotely "girly" that I used to enjoy (such as shopping, romcoms, doing my hair/makeup to get ready etc). And obviously the kids take his lead and so they dislike shopping too now and girly shows like princess movies. However, when it's just me shopping alone with the kids I have a much better time than when my DH is there as at least no one is hurrying me up, asking to leave/go wait in the car every 2 minutes).

I went to get a mani/pedi last week for the first time in 2 years while the kids were at school and it felt like heaven. Definitely need to insist on doing more of the stuff I used to enjoy before getting married/ having children.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 12/02/2022 23:35

Interesting the similar was posted about the same thing other day about a man wanting to celebrate with his friends and not partner and he was called worse than shit on here. Talk about double standards!

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 23:38

Is it just that the two of you have been locked up (or locked down) together for the most part of the last two years, cabin fever is hitting hard and you want some time in someone else's company? (Anyone else's company wink) or do you genuinely not find any joy in each others company? Having young kids is hard, and relentless, there's less time to be a couple, just the two of you. So this could be just temporary burn out. Only the two of you can know the answer to that

I don't think I would enjoy his company even if we had "couple" time. It's hard to get time alone together as one of our children has a condition that requires constant medical supervision. My sister has offered to learn how to take care of that child's needs so that me and my DH can have date nights but I feel like I'd rather go out with her and leave DH at home (it would feel like a waste of a child free night). A date night with him would probably consist of him ranting about politics how the country's going to shit. I'd rather not.

OP posts:
Anniissa · 12/02/2022 23:39

I think it’s fine to want a girls night out (especially if you haven’t had much chance to do so over the various lockdowns) but I think the more important issue is that you don’t want to celebrate in any way with your husband, you find the thought of socialising with him a “chore” and you feel more yourself when he’s not there. That’s pretty telling of the state of your relationship. Being stuck spending more time than ever with partners or family members over lockdown has added strain to a lot of relationships but this sounds pretty extreme. I think you can have your girls night out but I imagine if you don’t want to spend any time with your husband he would feel a bit hurt. You need to think about whether this is a relationship you want to save and if so maybe some counselling together would help you.

sadpapercourtesan · 12/02/2022 23:40

Banana that was a major milestone birthday I think, and he wanted to go away for two nights with his pals? Not quite the same.

I think you should do what makes you happy for your birthday OP, but once that's over and things settle down post-covid, go ahead with the counselling, and talk about how to rebalance things so that you have the space to do stuff that makes you feel good. All marriages go through "meh" phases, but it does sound like you're really fed up with him and with your interests being marginalised. Nobody should have to feel like the best bit of them is being squashed out of them in their own home Sad