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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my DH at my birthday party

133 replies

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 22:59

It's my birthday coming up - just a standard one (not a milestone). I just want a girls night and don't want my husband there or any of their husbands/partners. After being stuck in a man/boy house all this pandemic, I only like the company of my female friends and family members to be honest. Hanging out socially with my husband feels like a chore and changes the dynamic of all-female gatherings. And I want to actually have a fun birthday this year (after not celebrating the past 3 years (including my 30th) due to being in labour on my 30th and covid the past 2 years.

Would this be weird? Would you think it's strange if you were invited to a friends birthday and her husband wasn't there and she said no (male) partners allowed?

YABU - yes it's weird, your DH should be there and husbands should be welcome
YANBU - no it's completely fine, men are boring

OP posts:
Branleuse · 12/02/2022 23:40

Sounds like you need to rediscover yourself and start doing things you want to do. Im sorry your relationship isnt going well. I think its fine to want to spend your birthday celebrating with your girlfriends

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 12/02/2022 23:40

It's fine to have a girls night out at any time, including birthdays and most posters said the same on the other thread despite @Bananarama21pretending the opposite Hmm

But the part of your OP that is concerning is:
I only like the company of my female friends and family members to be honest. Hanging out socially with my husband feels like a chore
I get that lockdown was difficult but if you don't enjoy your DH's company and being with him feels like a chore, you need to take a long hard look at your relationship.

blackdumpling · 12/02/2022 23:40

You are entitled to feel this way
It doesn't really bode well for your relationship though
I think it's a sign that you are not in love with your partner
That you would actually be happier without them
I think deep down you know this too

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 12/02/2022 23:41

It's my sisters 40th this year and we are having a girls long weekend away.

Males completely change the dynamic.

I wouldn't be bothered if dh wanted a lads weekend away for his 40th, but he wouldn't. That's just not his scene.

Midlifemusings · 12/02/2022 23:42

@Bananarama21

I assumed this was a post to see if a woman would get the same responses. As one might expect, they are the complete opposite.

Where are all the posters from that thread who feel you must spend your birthday with your spouse or else you are a horrible person? I am sure they will be along soon!

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 12/02/2022 23:43

@blackdumpling

You are entitled to feel this way It doesn't really bode well for your relationship though I think it's a sign that you are not in love with your partner That you would actually be happier without them I think deep down you know this too
🤣🤣 bit of a leap, wanting to spend time with female friends on your birthday, to hating your other half.
justasking111 · 12/02/2022 23:44

@minipie

Can’t you do something with your husband on your birthday and a girls’ night another day close to your bday?
That's what we do, family bit then girls night out or long lunch
Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/02/2022 23:45

[quote Bananarama21]www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4478275-dh-doesn-t-want-to-spend-his-birthday-with-us[/quote]
I hadn't seen this thread but looks like this husband is going away for 3 days' worth of childcare - that's slight different isn't it?

OP posts:
gonetogroundnow · 12/02/2022 23:45

Your issue is your relationship- the celebration of your birthday is irrelevant.

I do non milestone birthdays as girls nights out and enjoy them. But equally, generally I love my husbands company and I'd never consider spending time with him a "chore".

Set the birthday aside as it's a red herring, and address why you don't want to spend time with you husband because ultimately that IS a deal breaker for everyone.

toomuchlaundry · 12/02/2022 23:48

Think people on this thread and the other thread have picked up there are issues in the relationships, so there is more to it than celebrating the birthday with friends

Lovemydoggie · 12/02/2022 23:50

HNRTFT …my husband really wouldn’t care ..he went to Nepal for his 60th I really was fine about it ..I wouldn’t have wanted to go.
I think if you are both ok then ignore the traditionalists.

Wreath21 · 12/02/2022 23:51

I think the issue might be that your H is a prick who doesn't really consider you human. All leisure activities have to suit his tastes, and anything that doesn't is just, well, there's no time for it, not really, and why should he have to put up with things that bore him (of course you have to sit through things that bore you because your tastes and preferences are just naturally less important than his.)

But the real key thing is - how is he reacting or going to react to you wanting to have a night out with your female friends while he babysits? Is he going to wave you off with an indulgent (while possibly condescending) smile or is he going to spend days or weeks berating you for selfishness and trying to change your mind?

BluebellsGreenbells · 12/02/2022 23:54

Don’t see a problem. Just issue a ladies night invite!

Go and let your hair down and have fun.

LagunaBubbles · 13/02/2022 00:00

don't think I would enjoy his company even if we had "couple" time

Well you must have enjoyed his company at one point to marry him and have children with him, what changed?

stinkycheeseman · 13/02/2022 00:01

Please just have a lovely birthday with your female friends who are going to have a good time with you. It sounds like your relationship is on its last legs, but you can kick that into the long grass till after your birthday. Just have a good time with people who will make you feel loved. CakeThanksWine

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 13/02/2022 00:02

It seems lots of people think my marriage is in trouble - whereas I just thought this might part of having young children and assumed that once the children are older and less time-consuming, my tolerance for his negativity and grumpiness would increase again.

What should I do? He's a half glass empty kind of person (e.g. if I want us to go on a day out anywhere as a family he'll insist it's too hard, the kids will play up, there'll be too much traffic etc. and then when we're there he'll be wanting to go home early). He also can have a short fuse and can be a bit shouty when he's stressed (whereas I am more laid back) - ultimately harmless but it means home life is not exactly relaxing. But he's a kind person that does lots for friends and family and he's a very hands-on dad.

For me the main thing is we never laugh together anymore - I don't find him funny or fun. When I think back I used to laugh all the time. But it was always ME making US laugh - now I'm no longer happy in his company that obviously doesn't happen anymore. And without laughter I find life such a drag. How can we laugh together again? I haven't lost the ability to laugh though. With my sisters we laugh until we cry every time we meet up, and I'm like the old me again.

OP posts:
ForeverSingle881 · 13/02/2022 00:11

That's rough, OP. It doesn't sound like a great relationship. It sounds like you did a lot of the hard work in the relationship pre-kids, you now don't have the energy to shoulder it all and you're seeing him for who he really is. The important bit to remember is he won't change. And neither will you. No amount of couples counselling will make him a fun, half-full glass kind of guy. So you need to make decisions with eyes wide open.

AnnaK163 · 13/02/2022 00:14

OP it comes across to me that you don't like your husband as a person and neither are you in love with him anymore.

You don't even sound cross with him or contemptuous of him - you just don't care anymore and want to be with other people.
My husband gets on my tits sometimes, after having lost our jobs and been stuck indoors for the best part of 2 years (for various reasons) but I love him the same as ever. It doesn't come across in your posts - the love, I mean. His downbeatness is bringing you down. I have also become downbeat about the world but try to keep quiet and DH and me still laugh together.

Teenagehorrorbag · 13/02/2022 00:16

Two things going on here. If you and DH no longer enjoy each others' company, then maybe you need counselling, or just accept that kids change things, or whatever you both feel is appropriate.

But purely in terms of your birthday - there is no reason why you shouldn't arrange a girls night for the event! Even the lovey doviest of couples could agree that if that was what the wife wanted, not an issue! I expect you and DH might do a lunch the day before, or something - or whatever works for you - but it's your day. Plus he can babysit - win/win!

We don't make a big deal of non-milestone birthdays, but usually do a lunch. If I said I was arranging a girls night, DH wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Enjoy! (and I hope you can resolve your relationship issues, as well). xx

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 13/02/2022 00:19

@Wreath21

I think the issue might be that your H is a prick who doesn't really consider you human. All leisure activities have to suit his tastes, and anything that doesn't is just, well, there's no time for it, not really, and why should he have to put up with things that bore him (of course you have to sit through things that bore you because your tastes and preferences are just naturally less important than his.)

But the real key thing is - how is he reacting or going to react to you wanting to have a night out with your female friends while he babysits? Is he going to wave you off with an indulgent (while possibly condescending) smile or is he going to spend days or weeks berating you for selfishness and trying to change your mind?

To be fair to him, I don't sit through stuff I don't like. But I don't also insist on coming/watching, which is what he does which makes the activities/shows so unenjoyable that I stop doing them because of his negative commentary and requests to go home/switch it off ruining it.

I don't really go out that much. But when I have done we have had some arguments over him checking up on me all the time. We had a huge one last year over a time I went for drinks at a friends house and he texted me dozens of times over the course of the evening, and when I stopped responding as it was ruining my night, proceeded to message and call my friends to "check if I was OK".

It's not the babysitting he'd be upset by, but the fact of not being invited - we had arguments over this when we were dating as I wouldn't invite him to some events I hosted (in the end I caved) but I know not involving him in my birthday plans would cause a similar issue. I actually went out with just one of my sisters for my birthday a few years ago and he was so moody about it the next day that it wasn't worth it.

OP posts:
blackdumpling · 13/02/2022 00:23

I think an important component of love
Is that you see the world the same way
You & your husband sound at odds with each other
Personally my pants can only be laughed off
Laughter & joy in a relationship is so important
Enjoying each other's company, looking forward to seeing them to chat about your day
It sounds like you have none of this
& just going through the motions
That deep down instead of love he just irritates you
I can totally understand wanting to treat yourself on your birthday
& doing something that doesn't involve your partner
Everyone has their own interests & they don't always need to overlap
But to be wishing your partner away for your entire birthday?
That's a very bad sign
IMO

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2022 00:26

If you don’t want to spend time with your husband; I think you need to have a frank discussion about your future. This has nothing to do with your birthday.

Original poster
ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 13/02/2022 00:31

You don't even sound cross with him or contemptuous of him - you just don't care anymore and want to be with other people.

Ohh, perhaps that's why even though I know we have issues, I didn't think they were that serious. I remember after my fist child I had PND and actively hated my husband. So now I no longer hate him it doesn't seem as problematic.

Your relationship sounds lovely. I wonder if most marriages are like yours? At this point I feel like I relate with Prince Charles' - "whatever love means" - that probably best describes how I feel about DH at the moment.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 13/02/2022 00:32

It's not the babysitting he'd be upset by, but the fact of not being invited - we had arguments over this when we were dating as I wouldn't invite him to some events I hosted (in the end I caved) but I know not involving him in my birthday plans would cause a similar issue. I actually went out with just one of my sisters for my birthday a few years ago and he was so moody about it the next day that it wasn't worth it.

Well, simply on the one level, you could "celebrate" your birthday with him, or him and extended family or him and some adult friends, and then, coincidently, "just" go out with your mates the following week.

But the bit that concerns me here is his neediness - that really is very, very odd indeed that he was calling / messaging you throughout an evening out, and I also would have found it incredibly stifling that he wanted to come to everything I went to. This would have been a big flag long before I got to marriage or having dc though.

lolly07766 · 13/02/2022 00:38

Maybe you should be thinking about a divorce party....