@AngelinaFibres that does concern me that the pattern will continue and he'll pass on he same traits to our sons (especially since they don't really see the "fun" me much anymore).
As for the constant messaging when you do go out = controlling.
See I never saw it like that - I always seen it like he can't control/help himself from messaging. He says that if I responded to his messages he wouldn't get so worried.
If he loses his temper, does something wrong, or life/accidents happen, he'll always blame me or the kids. So he once quite dangerously gave our the wrong medication dose (triple the amount needed), but apparently was it our son's fault because our son distracted him by chattering away to DH while he administered the medication. When our other son was admitted back into hospital for malnutrition as a 2 day old newborn, his first reaction was to tell me it was my fault for choosing to breastfeed.
Thinking about it, there were a couple of red flags while we were dating that I ignored (such as DH accusing me of wanting to cheat on him with a colleague at a work event because I'd invited said colleague to head elsewhere for drinks with a group of us, and another time getting angry and shouting at me in front of his friends at a wedding, which they told him off for).
Does he ever comment on his dads behaviour, could he be made to see that's he's behaving the same way?
I think he realises that some of his dad's behaviour isn't ideal (sexist and racist/xenophobic comments) but excuses it as getting old. However the negativity and moaning, shouting and poor anger management - DH doesn't really see it. In fact, he idolises his parents and when our children are playing up, often reminisces fondly on the fact that his dad would have knocked sense into him. Sometimes he threatens to smack our DS5 and always tells me we're too "soft" on the boys (which is not true - compared to gentle parenting methods, I'm very strict and working on chilling out the discipline a bit).
That said he's not all bad - I feel like I've focused on the negatives - and I'm certainly not perfect. I zone him out most of the time now. I don't accept his offers to watch stuff together anymore (he always fast forwards through the "boring" bits of series we're watching together so I prefer to watch them alone now). I decline when he asks if I want to grab lunch with him. Generally, I actively avoid one-on-one time with him. Like I said upthread he's very hand-on with the boys and takes them on long muddy walks, plays lots with them in the garden- the boys really do love their father, even with his short fuse, as he does engage well with them and is fun with them if they're doing a physical activity.
I think I will book some counselling for myself to work through my feelings as I don't want to keep living like this.