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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are there so many scared woman drivers ? Woman up and learn how to drive !

753 replies

unfeelingwife · 12/02/2022 10:11

I've seen so many posts about scared women drivers.

What's that all about ? Why can't women drive confidently ? Is it because men are arseholes on the roads ? I know a few women in real life who won't drive on motorways or when it's dark etc.

Why ?? Why are there fewer men who are scared to drive ? Or is that just in my circle ? I drive everywhere, including long road trips to different countries, with my babies and I'm just not scared. I know women who just refuse to drive and their husbands drive them around....

Ive been in a few accidents, by the way. It hasn't put me off. Everyone is different of course, but is it men who've put women off driving ? With their shouting and insults/ road rage ?

OP posts:
LolaLuffnagal · 12/02/2022 16:06

[quote sanbeiji]@LolaLuffnagal I'm sorry you feel personally attacked, clearly if you have such big issues driving is the least of your worries and you should be focusing on healing.

I will say however that my own initial fear of driving was thanks to my first driving instructor attempting to rape me. He also took pleasure in seeing me scared when forced to speed up although not ready. It took a lot of work to overcome, and I almost didn't make it, but here I am.

It's not 'pathetic' (wrong choice of words OP), and again this is not directed at you personally. But there's so much masochism around driving that mental barriers aren't really discussed and people just give up. In a way while the OP raised a good point the dismissive judging of people r.e. driving doesn't help anybody open up.

MN passing driving test threads are v inspiring. Also Conquer Driving did a good video about a lady who had anxiety, took her 4 years to pass but he was v encouraging about it.[/quote]
That's so awful what you went through Flowers. You are an amazing person to over come it and not let it stop you driving, that's seriously impressive Smile

I do get the points about mysongy, I just think op could have raised it in a way that doesn't undermine and judge other people's fears and lack of confidence. The they worded it was very unkind.

LolaLuffnagal · 12/02/2022 16:07

misogyny, and they way they

lololololollll · 12/02/2022 16:08

I'm not scared but I'm really really shit at it. Nothing to do with womaning up, I try and I'm crap. I lack coordination and spacial awareness but I'm good at other things, it's not a big deal

lololololollll · 12/02/2022 16:09

Jesus, just read your update, gosh aren't you a nasty thing

Katie2017 · 12/02/2022 16:19

I have poor eyesight, corrected as far as it can be but find I can't see too well at night or as well as people with perfect vision. My mum is the same and will avoid driving at night if possible, nothing to do with being scared. People who have perfect vision have no idea.

I actually would prefer driving at night as there is much less traffic but do struggle. Also the lights can be very bright and dazzling for some people. The men in my family have 20/20 vision so it's not a problem for them but I assume other men might struggle the same as women with poor eyesight. I've never once factored men's behaviour into my driving, not had any problems and it wouldn't occur to me!

Longcovid21 · 12/02/2022 16:27

Just out of interest OP, what is your age and gender?

Longcovid21 · 12/02/2022 16:27

Kids or no kids?

Original poster
unfeelingwife · 12/02/2022 16:28

@kitkatsky

Are you not scared of anything OP?
Of course I am. And some of you would probably find it pretty pathetic. In fact, I've written about some stuff on here in the past and people were very unkind and called me pathetic as well. It is what it is.
OP posts:
Original poster
unfeelingwife · 12/02/2022 16:30

@Spongecakeandcoffee

I'm a bit of a nervous driver 🤷‍♀️ the reason is because of the ye maniacs on the roads who tailgate, road rage you, don't follow the rules of the road. I still do drive, and in a major city, but I don't enjoy driving outside of my comfort zone.

So what? I'm not 'super pathetic', there are loads of things I'm really good at and confident with. Some things I'm good at you're probably shite at, so maybe you're pathetic?

I will definitely be pathetic to lots of people, yes. It's life. Many people on here think I'm pathetic for what I've said. But I can live with that. I can generally live with negative unkind judgements of myself, even if they're around some fear I have or abuse I've suffered. Not everyone can understand and have compassion and understanding for everyone and everything, 100 percent of the time.
OP posts:
fenellastripe · 12/02/2022 16:31

@unfeelingwife when people have irrational fears the kindest thing is to try to work with them until they overcome their fear, not shame them as it'll make the fear worse.

Anxiety about driving may not always stem from irrational fears. My friend has more anxiety about night driving because she can't see as well in the dark as in the daylight.

Ohwhere2021 · 12/02/2022 16:33

Crazy!
I regularly drive between Hampshire and Midlands to see family. It would severely restricting if I didn’t. I’m also a car person.

iklboo · 12/02/2022 16:40

I think it's super pathetic to be honest to not be able to drive properly. I do judge people who can't.

Since I have unexpected blackouts I don't think the DVLA would be keen on me getting behind the wheel. 😂

I do agree women who can drive shouldn't listen to men who tell them they're rubbish - when most likely they're not.

HotPenguin · 12/02/2022 16:43

I don't think men are less likely to be nervous of driving, they are just less likely to admit it. I know two men who hate driving. One doesn't drive at all.

I do drive, but not on motorways. As I've got older I've realised I have sone kind of processing issue which makes it hard for me to drive. My son has autism and dyspraxia, both conditions can make driving difficult, so I wonder if I have some similar traits.

Its rude to label people as pathetic when they may have a hidden disability or just a differently wired brain that means driving is hard for them. I'm better at maths than most people but I don't call people pathetic if they struggle at maths.

scarpa · 12/02/2022 16:45

@KalaniM

Who designed roads, road signs, cars and who evolved the micro and macro aggressions of driving culture?

Is it a female/ mother/ mother and child/ mother and children - friendly experience?

Do garages feel welcoming to women? Are there lots of women mechanics ?

Is Top Gear a gender neutral tv programme…

Etc

Biscuit

What about driving roads is unfriendly to women specifically? Also, I don't know any aerospace mechanics but I still go on planes...

I'm not saying there isn't sexism in how women drivers are perceived and therefore in 'driving culture' (as you put it) generally, but I don't think we can blame road signs for being unfriendly to women for women being less confident drivers.

Confusedtraveler · 12/02/2022 16:46

@Cheekypeach

Look some of you are taking this wayyyyy too personally. OP could’ve posted ‘AIBU not to like Jaffa cakes?’ And someone would’ve posted ‘Jaffa cakes were the last gift I received from my relative before they vanished without a trace, thanks for pissing all over my last memory of them’ etc etc

Seriously this offended top trumps is getting ridiculous

The OP didn't say "AIBU to LIKE driving" and to tell myself I am an amazing driver

the OP abused and called others pathetic because they make different choices that are none of her business, and that have no effect on her whatsoever.

If nothing else, less drivers means less traffic on the road . Bit weird if the OP is crying for traffic jam, is she scared by speed and empty roads or something?

Confusedtraveler · 12/02/2022 16:51

Not everyone can understand and have compassion and understanding for everyone and everything, 100 percent of the time.

clearly

but still a step to actually start a thread to mock them. Goady and bullyish, what's the point of doing it?

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 12/02/2022 16:52

I think the pattern you describe is accurate, but in our house we're both confident drivers, will drive anywhere including abroad etc, I have a much better sense of direction, to be fair DH is the better parallel parker although I think at 6'4 he has a visual advantage.

My dad however is a much more cautious driver than my mum he's nearly 70 she's 63, he says it's worse since he got older, retired doesn't drive far very often now, but actually he's never been the most confident driver over long distances especially those he doesn't know (although did used to drive 300 miles mainly on motorway to collect me from uni). If we go out together now we either take my car or he throws me his keys most of the time. My grandma is 84 and very active, she still drives all over the country!

Spongecakeandcoffee · 12/02/2022 16:53

@unfeelingwife what I would say is that it's sad and unfortunate that a lot of people aren't confident drivers especially when it's restricting their life.

But I think it's spiteful to ridicule people for their fears. Better to encourage people and build them up rather than knock them down.

It's actually more pathetic the way a large proportion of road users drive like aggressive maniacs, speeding, tailgating, beeping over nothing.

I've had drivers road rage me for stopping for a lollipop lady ffs then dangerously swerve around me nearly knocking over the children crossing. It's not the driving as such that makes me nervous, it's the crazy drivers.

TatianaBis · 12/02/2022 16:53

There are a surprising number of women on these forums who don't drive and are thus dependent on their partner for lifts, particularly if they live rurally and the public transport is poor. It's often cited as a factor in limits of employment options. And a common scenario is that the poster or one of their kids is seriously ill, they don't drive, DP's not home and the hospital is 20 miles away.

So I would encourage all women to have lessons when they're young if they can afford it (appreciate that it is very expensive to learn). If they nervous drivers it is really important to practice driving a lot because that is what will make them more confident.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 12/02/2022 16:56

@KalaniM I love topgear, I can change my own tyre, oil, water etc, I know the basics of older engines the new computerised type are more difficult. I feel quite comfortable in a garage talking to a mechanic because of this, so maybe because it's a deficit in your knowledge don't assume it is for all of us.

Confusedtraveler · 12/02/2022 16:58

So I would encourage all women to have lessons when they're young if they can afford it (appreciate that it is very expensive to learn). If they nervous drivers it is really important to practice driving a lot because that is what will make them more confident.

very strongly encourage parents to get lessons for their kids as soon as they are old enough! And ideally have a car where said kids can drive from day 1.

Spongecakeandcoffee · 12/02/2022 17:01

Agree about having lessons while you're young. Think you should get straight out there with motorway driving too. Leave it and you fear it.

Driving a high up car has helped me so much, feel much safer and less vulnerable.

Hairbrush123 · 12/02/2022 17:01

I totally agree. I helped push my friend out of her comfort zone by going down the motorway after avoiding it for years. She now prefers the motorway to back roads and her commute is 20 quicker each way!

I would say I am a competent driver and I rarely detour from routes as I quite enjoy driving

Fandangofran · 12/02/2022 17:02

I love driving, I'm a confident driver and will drive anywhere and everywhere - that's why I learnt to drive in first place so I could go wherever I wanted without relying on anyone else.

My husband will drive to work out of necessity but he's not a great driver and being his passenger is terrifying - when we're together I drive us everywhere.

My auntie has just had a mild stroke so she's not able to drive - her husband is so terrified of driving that she's having to get her daughter to take her everywhere because he won't.

It's not only women who are scared of driving - we just don't often hear about the men who are.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/02/2022 17:04

[quote fenellastripe]@unfeelingwife when people have irrational fears the kindest thing is to try to work with them until they overcome their fear, not shame them as it'll make the fear worse.

Anxiety about driving may not always stem from irrational fears. My friend has more anxiety about night driving because she can't see as well in the dark as in the daylight.[/quote]
I don't think any of it is irrational. Driving is pretty risky. You can harm yourself or others or even kill people.