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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are there so many scared woman drivers ? Woman up and learn how to drive !

753 replies

unfeelingwife · 12/02/2022 10:11

I've seen so many posts about scared women drivers.

What's that all about ? Why can't women drive confidently ? Is it because men are arseholes on the roads ? I know a few women in real life who won't drive on motorways or when it's dark etc.

Why ?? Why are there fewer men who are scared to drive ? Or is that just in my circle ? I drive everywhere, including long road trips to different countries, with my babies and I'm just not scared. I know women who just refuse to drive and their husbands drive them around....

Ive been in a few accidents, by the way. It hasn't put me off. Everyone is different of course, but is it men who've put women off driving ? With their shouting and insults/ road rage ?

OP posts:
Cheekypeach · 12/02/2022 15:38

Look some of you are taking this wayyyyy too personally. OP could’ve posted ‘AIBU not to like Jaffa cakes?’ And someone would’ve posted ‘Jaffa cakes were the last gift I received from my relative before they vanished without a trace, thanks for pissing all over my last memory of them’ etc etc

Seriously this offended top trumps is getting ridiculous

linmanuel · 12/02/2022 15:40

@THisbackwithavengeance

Because their DHs do the real driving on the big roads and they just pop to the shops, do the school runs, and occasionally drive home when the DH fancies a drink.

So they lose any confidence they had in themselves in the 1st place and their skills become diminished due to lack of practice.

I agree OP. It irritates me how the default position in most couples is for the man to drive.

This right here
Icenii · 12/02/2022 15:41

Sounds like you think we should be amazed at how very capable you are for driving all over the world. But you're not really a leader are you? Not when you pull others down to make yourself shine.

LolaLuffnagal · 12/02/2022 15:41

@Cheekypeach

Look some of you are taking this wayyyyy too personally. OP could’ve posted ‘AIBU not to like Jaffa cakes?’ And someone would’ve posted ‘Jaffa cakes were the last gift I received from my relative before they vanished without a trace, thanks for pissing all over my last memory of them’ etc etc

Seriously this offended top trumps is getting ridiculous

Well no because calling someone pathetic and saying they need to "woman up" over a fear they have no control over isn't the same as having opposing views on biscuitsHmm
Original poster
unfeelingwife · 12/02/2022 15:43

@Cheekypeach

Look some of you are taking this wayyyyy too personally. OP could’ve posted ‘AIBU not to like Jaffa cakes?’ And someone would’ve posted ‘Jaffa cakes were the last gift I received from my relative before they vanished without a trace, thanks for pissing all over my last memory of them’ etc etc

Seriously this offended top trumps is getting ridiculous

Yeah typical
OP posts:
Cheekypeach · 12/02/2022 15:43

@LolaLuffnagal OP is clearly not referring to people with complex mental or physical health issues that making driving difficult or impossible. She’s talking about the many women out there who see driving as other people’s jobs because they’re too nervous/lazy/stubborn to do it

sanbeiji · 12/02/2022 15:44

@Mosaic123

If someone isn't confident to drive everywhere, but is happy to drive locally is that such a bad thing? (Me).

I know someone who was overconfident (she passed on her tenth driving test) and she killed someone in the car coming towards her by overtaking and not seeing the oncoming car.

Before this accident and any knowledge I was driven by her and vowed never to do it again. She was a reckless driver.

So I'm saying it is better to know your limits and not to drive if you are not up to it.

That should be admired not looked down upon.

But the choice isn't between reckless driving or knowing your limits. Overconfidence is also bad. I'm not saying that people should drive 300 miles the day after passing. I myself plan journey carefully, avoid certain roads for now etc as I'm a new driver. And I won't carry any passengers expect DP on familiar roads, or one of my driver parents. Not for several months at least.

It's about deciding you have 'limits', for no reason. Confidence comes with time. We're lucky now that there's so much advice online, navigation apps. Easy to build your confidence slowly, by practicing at quiet times, different types of roads etc. It may take you 2, 3 years. So what? Go at your own pace.

Again I'd like to reiterate that it's obviously someone's personal choice. If someone says 'I drive only to X Y Z' fine, none of my business unless they asked me for a lift. But I wouldn't be happy with a child of mine behaving this way.

A final note ; everything depends on experience. I remember the dark days of lockdown, single and stuck at home with no car.
Everyone else going to pretty parks, getting nice takeaways, etc.
Pre-covid always having to run for the train while everyone else (who had driven in) was happily chatting, having a nice time, and even went out for dinner after. That's what kept me going although Covid made learning v expensive.

Before this I lived in London and never felt such a compulsion to drive. Where I live you'd miss out on a lot with limited driving. Most people I know don't manage without it. They just rely on someone else.

Autumnalblooms · 12/02/2022 15:45

@unfeelingwife probably will lol but i am proud of my strenghts , i have my weakness too .Too right , i don't always get in first time might take a second attempt but bear in mind i passed my test at 21 i am 51 now had 30 yrs of practice .My sister is a nervous driver never been on the motor way we are all different.

SquirrelFan · 12/02/2022 15:46

The question is why more people aren't afraid! As pp have pointed out, it's a skilled activity performed at high speed, with your life and those of others at stake, with an expensive piece of equipment to boot. Of course it's terrifying! It's like asking why someone is afraid to mountain climb or ski. It's an unnatural activity. Some people who like that adrenaline rush enjoy it, but I don't see why anyone else would.

OnaBegonia · 12/02/2022 15:47

I think OP has read another thread where there are women unable or unwilling, someone's DM
is now 'isolated and marooned' because her DH has died and she won't go on motorways! also wishing to take DC on day trips but again won't go on motorway, I find this ridiculous.

Original poster
unfeelingwife · 12/02/2022 15:49

@SquirrelFan

The question is why more people aren't afraid! As pp have pointed out, it's a skilled activity performed at high speed, with your life and those of others at stake, with an expensive piece of equipment to boot. Of course it's terrifying! It's like asking why someone is afraid to mountain climb or ski. It's an unnatural activity. Some people who like that adrenaline rush enjoy it, but I don't see why anyone else would.
I think you're dramatising it. That's just my opinion. I just don't feel like that about it. It's not THAT common to kill people while driving. Stick to the rules and be careful. Be patient when behind vehicles and always expect others to pull out and act stupid, or for a child to run out in front of you.
OP posts:
Original poster
unfeelingwife · 12/02/2022 15:50

@OnaBegonia

I think OP has read another thread where there are women unable or unwilling, someone's DM is now 'isolated and marooned' because her DH has died and she won't go on motorways! also wishing to take DC on day trips but again won't go on motorway, I find this ridiculous.
It's really sad when people are ruled by fear
OP posts:
ldontWanna · 12/02/2022 15:51

@Cheekypeach

Look some of you are taking this wayyyyy too personally. OP could’ve posted ‘AIBU not to like Jaffa cakes?’ And someone would’ve posted ‘Jaffa cakes were the last gift I received from my relative before they vanished without a trace, thanks for pissing all over my last memory of them’ etc etc

Seriously this offended top trumps is getting ridiculous

Nope. It's more like

I love jaffa cakes, I eat loads and as many varieties i can.

People(women) who don't are pathetic and need to grow/woman up.

SquirrelFan · 12/02/2022 15:51

Well, that last sentence alone is enough to persuade me never to get behind the wheel!

sanbeiji · 12/02/2022 15:52

@LolaLuffnagal I'm sorry you feel personally attacked, clearly if you have such big issues driving is the least of your worries and you should be focusing on healing.

I will say however that my own initial fear of driving was thanks to my first driving instructor attempting to rape me. He also took pleasure in seeing me scared when forced to speed up although not ready. It took a lot of work to overcome, and I almost didn't make it, but here I am.

It's not 'pathetic' (wrong choice of words OP), and again this is not directed at you personally. But there's so much masochism around driving that mental barriers aren't really discussed and people just give up. In a way while the OP raised a good point the dismissive judging of people r.e. driving doesn't help anybody open up.

MN passing driving test threads are v inspiring. Also Conquer Driving did a good video about a lady who had anxiety, took her 4 years to pass but he was v encouraging about it.

SquirrelFan · 12/02/2022 15:53

Sorry that last post was meant to quote the OPs sentence that you should always expect a child to run out in front of you!

Herja · 12/02/2022 15:54

@amusedbush, it's funny you say that! My DS is exactly the same as me, I did have him assessed for dyspraxia - he's not dyspraxic (though does have a proprioception disorder), just has appaling balance and coordination. I fell over in the assessment room and they suggested it was possibly genetic Grin.

When we all (GP and school included) assumed dyspraxia, I did consider seeking assessment for me too. I decided not to bother when it appeared as a family we are just brutally uncoordinated (my grandad is the same), but I do wonder sometimes...

kitkatsky · 12/02/2022 15:54

Are you not scared of anything OP?

Ilkleymoor · 12/02/2022 15:57

My dad and brother question my sister's driving, even though neither of them have ever even taken lessons. It's a reflection of society and misogyny I think.

Spongecakeandcoffee · 12/02/2022 16:00

I'm a bit of a nervous driver 🤷‍♀️ the reason is because of the ye maniacs on the roads who tailgate, road rage you, don't follow the rules of the road. I still do drive, and in a major city, but I don't enjoy driving outside of my comfort zone.

So what? I'm not 'super pathetic', there are loads of things I'm really good at and confident with. Some things I'm good at you're probably shite at, so maybe you're pathetic?

DeeCeeCherry · 12/02/2022 16:00

YANBU

I have friends who will use car for short school runs and shopping, but wouldnt dream of driving on a dual carriageway or motorway. Whenever that need occurs, someone else has to drive.

It used to be me having to drive in that case but I've stopped.

Onionpatch · 12/02/2022 16:00

I am one of these pathetic, nervous prople who lack confidence and limits myself as to where I will drive.

The thing is I am a hesistant, not assertive person in everything i do and Im easily intimiated - so its hard to have a personality transplant just for driving.

Skill wise, i find judging whether there is enough space to merge with fast moving traffic hard so basically joining a motoway is very difficult. Its not easy to practice as the roads are too busy to be cautious and build up the skill over time. the weight of traffic on A3 and M25 which are my closest roads is too much for a hesistant person unsure of gaps. Judging by the number of crashes at the junctions on the a3 round me, there are plenty of people not getting this right either.

sanbeiji · 12/02/2022 16:01

@Ilkleymoor

My dad and brother question my sister's driving, even though neither of them have ever even taken lessons. It's a reflection of society and misogyny I think.
So many of these as PP commented we need to tell them to STFU. Leaving them by the road is a brilliant suggestion
BABAHOTEL · 12/02/2022 16:03

Drives me mad (pun intended)

BABAHOTEL · 12/02/2022 16:04

@Ilkleymoor

My dad and brother question my sister's driving, even though neither of them have ever even taken lessons. It's a reflection of society and misogyny I think.
Walking is their best option!