Why are there so many scared woman drivers ? Woman up and learn how to drive !

[unfeelingwife]

I've seen so many posts about scared women drivers.

What's that all about ? Why can't women drive confidently ? Is it because men are arseholes on the roads ? I know a few women in real life who won't drive on motorways or when it's dark etc.

Why ?? Why are there fewer men who are scared to drive ? Or is that just in my circle ? I drive everywhere, including long road trips to different countries, with my babies and I'm just not scared. I know women who just refuse to drive and their husbands drive them around....

Ive been in a few accidents, by the way. It hasn't put me off. Everyone is different of course, but is it men who've put women off driving ? With their shouting and insults/ road rage ?

Because objectively it is frightening. You could kill someone or be killed driving, you are entirely reliant on strangers in control of vehicles, which may or may not be functioning properly, to behave in a safe and logical fashion. You are also reliant on your reflexes and attention remaining sharp, and your own vehicle to be functioning properly.

Women are "allowed" or socialised to vocalise that fear and act on it (refuse to drive at night, or in cities, or motorways or whatever), men are not. So women become the half of the partnership that doesn't get enough practice to overcome that valid fear, and we wind up in a situation where mum "can't drive on the motorway" or whatever.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Not my experience. Confidently driving with no bumps for 30 years 🤷‍♀️

50 years this year, never caused an accident, been bumped once and vandalised twice (barstewards!). My OH of 50 years, who actually taught me to drive for free, died at the start of the first lockdown so it was a long tome before I met more than immediate family and I was amazed at how many other women of my age asked if I could drive. They would comment on how useful that must be, not knowing that I am the one who always drove if there was a deadline to meet or we were in a strange place!

How old are you OP? I used to be a confident night driver, but now I'm older my ability to see at night is not as good as it was, so I'm reluctant to drive after dark, especially on fast roads where your reactions need to be sharp. It's not a confidence issue, I just can't see as well as I used to in poor light.

I do wonder if men are less likely to admit to these physical limitations.

I have driven fine since the age of 17. Now 58. As I get older though I really dont enjoy driving in the dark or bad weather if it is evenings.

I have never found it an issue to drive on the motorways.

My mum was Belgian and could drive confidently on the other side of the road with no issue when we were visiting my grandma growing up.

I could never drive on the other side of the road now. Had I done so when younger then maybe it would have been a lot easier.

I used to live in London but I would only drive up to zone 2 on my own. Inner London I had to have a passenger in the car to help navigate my way!

I think a lot depends on if you push yourself when you are young.

The driving instructor's POV:

I see pupils week in week out that I know will struggle in this regard, it's very common. And I would say that a sizeable majority are women not men, although it isn't that unheard of amongst men.

The primary reason when you really get into this isn't one of lack of confidence or over anxiety per se. It is one of over analysis - leading the the classic paralysis by analysis. The inability to take a clear decision then leads to problems developing, and the end result is a lack of confidence and the person then regarding themselves as 'not a good driver'.

The reality is that almost always their first thought is correct (or at least a perfectly valid course of action), but they then cloud the situation. Sometimes this can be resolved easily by empowering the learner to make decisions (sometimes it is caused by them relying on my presence to correct things - but they soon learn that I am pretty hands off and they'll have to start getting themselves out of any scrapes unless my vehicle is in serious danger...). Other times this over analysis comes from a deep seated fear of making the wrong decision (which is fine if you are having trouble deciding whether to have pasta or a jacket potato for tea, less good when you are heading towards an artic head on), and that is very hard to combat.

It will be unsurprising that I often get asked whether men or women are 'better' drivers by pupils. The answer is, of course, very nuanced and depends very much on what is 'better'. Generally if it is a high level of technical skill controlling a vehicle you are after, you're more likely to find it in men than women. If it is safety you are after (and that doesn't mean fewer accidents, it means better outcomes from any accidents you are involved in), then women are better than men on average.

Overall I would say (and it is of course a massive generalisation based on averages of ten years as an instructor) women are more likely to be in the bottom 25% and the top 25% of pupils in terms of how easy they find driving as a learner, men more likely to be in the middle. Women who find driving easy make excellent learners, men are more likely to be hamstrung be excess confidence, but when women find driving hard it seems to be harder for them to overcome the obstacles on average.

@viques It is also bizarre to me to suggest that the only way women can keep themselves safe is to not travel on public transport and to avoid leaving their homes even in broad daylight.

No it's not the only way women can keep themselves safe by not travelling on public transport. That's a ridiculous suggestion.
Everyday millions of women travel this way. And leave the house in day light. No one is suggesting that here.

There are however women who have a genuine fear through their own experience or experience of those close to them to be impacted by this. The fear is real wether you agree with it or not is irrelevant.

So you're judging people for not having exactly the same mindset as you? I can't drive because I have no spatial awareness, can't tell left from right and have issues with sequencing. It's OK that I can't drive. The roads are a lot safer without me on them.

It's OK for people to feel nervous driving, it's ok for people to decide that driving isn't for them. Being unable to listen to someone and understand their point of view shows a lack of empathy and understanding. I know a few people who don't drive and listened to their reasons, all different. And I accept it.

@viques well exactly. Women get attacked in their homes by their husbands, in the street in broad day light by strangers, at work, in parks, everywhere

There's just about nothing to be done to completely keep yourself safe from the potential risk of violence so I don't judge anyone for doing their own personal risk assessment.

I do take public transport just about everywhere and confidently but I've definitely felt uncomfortable in situations and I don't blame other women for not wanting to be in similar positions

I bet women who have been murdered in the street in daylight didn't think they would be a statistic but they were

@ButterflyBitch

I know so many men who are scared of spiders. Why don’t they man up? Why can’t they confidently face a teeny tiny spider? Who the fuck are you to judge what other people are afraid of? What a judgemental horrible post.

Her husband can't even help around the house without passive aggressively head in hands moaning. Hardly Mrs Modern Independent Woman so confident in her car. His misogyny has obviously rubbed off. I'd be more scared of living like that.

Come on @unfeelingwife, woman up! I'd never put up with that so no doubt you'll find it oh so easy to leave him and do as well as I am! So straightforward now someone has pointed out how silly you are, no?

[quote Sprucewillis]@viques your misogyny is showing [/quote]
Not at all. I happen to believe that women are entitled to the same rights as men to occupy physical space wherever and whenever they want to , with the proviso that some female only spaces are sacrosanct and should be protected .

I find it very worrying and distressing that so many people seem to take pleasure in trying to frighten women into staying in smaller and smaller spaces by using scare stories, that while horrifically tragic for the people concerned should not be seen as normal experience.

@Confusedtraveler

If only being a confident driver translated as being a GOOD driver...

No, it doesn't but a nervous driver is almost always a liability and I'm not referring to a cautious driver but a ditherer, the one who can't confidently negotiate a roundabout or a complex junction. I would not want to be operated on by a surgeon who took 12 tries to pass the exams for the job yet the driver who passes at the 12th, 20th attempt can go out and buy a very powerful car.

@viques I already said I get judged everyday ! I'm not perfect in any way shape or form. I just think it's sad when men have put women off driving and that's how I see it.

I'm terrified of spiders. It's so pathetic ! You can judge me all you want on that and on my relationship and life. It is what it is.

I've driven for 40 years , used to drive for my job. I have confidence in my technical abilities and don't think twice about long distances, motorways, towing, snow etc. I know and maintain my car well.

However in the last 10 years I have been on the receiving end of three road rage incidents. One when for no reason I could see, a driver chased me sounding his horn, flashing his lights, driving very close, eventually nudging me. I drove to the local police station car park, to get rid of him. The second, I had broken down in an awkward place and a man pulled over and yelled at me.

The third, I was parking in a supermarket car park, pulled in, handbrake on, and a man (total stranger) attacked my car. trying to smash the windscreen, trying to pull the mirrors and wiper blades off. He was very drunk and very aggressive.

So now when I drive, I don't make eye contact with anyone in a queue, I keep the doors locked, phone charged, have installed dash cams, front and rear. There are a lot of stressed, drugged and drunk people out there and it can be unnerving.

I have a female friend whose husband used to criticise her (perfectly good) driving. She got so fed up with it one day she told him that he could drive from now on then. Now whenever they go anywhere, he has to drive, long distance, nights out (no drinks for him) everywhere. My friend is a perfectly confident driver and will happily drive anywhere, anytime. Just not with him in the car. I bet he wishes he'd kept his mouth shut

There's all sorts of reasons - is it that much of a stretch for you to imagine that everyone has different circumstances?

I've been driving 30 years. I don't like driving at night due to astigmatism giving the lights a horrible glare but for most women its probably because men are arseholes on the road.

My mum and mother in law are like this - they refuse to drive at night, won't go on motorways and their partners will always drive if they are out together. I once drove 4 of us to Brighton which is a 40 min drive, my MIL asked if I liked driving (I think she wanted to know why I was driving over my husband). I said not particularly. It would never occur to me to get my husband to do all the driving just because he's a man. Maybe it's a generation thing.

a nervous driver is almost always a liability and I'm not referring to a cautious driver but a ditherer, the one who can't confidently negotiate a roundabout or a complex junction

Nervous drivers are not a liability - they are annoying but ultimately most accidents caused are likely to be due to other peoples' impatience around them.

I also think you need rather more skill to be a surgeon than a driver!

And I am one of those "annoying" women who don't like motorway driving or driving in the dark and so avoid both to the extent possible. That doesn't make me a dithery driver on other roads, I am competent and confident on other roads.

Everyone is different of course,

You've answered it yourself.

Are you good at everything?

I agree and have quite a few friends like this. Common denominator is they have husbands to drive them. I have one friend who won't go anywhere she doesn't know in case she gets lost despite me explaining that because we live on an island it's not like she is going to end up in Italy. I have a husband too but I'd much rather drive myself than have to go somewhere with him all the time.

I used to be confident but an eye condition and losing a large amount of sight combined with mental health problems now means I am not confident on busy roads or in the dark. No amount of "learning to drive" as you put it will bring my sight back or cure my mental health problem but that said I manage as I have no option or "man" to drive me. Many peoples problems are wider than the basic mechanical skill.

Can I ask how old you are OP?
I have driven confidently for 30 years (no problems abroad, DH often praised my driving etc.), but as soon as I hit the menopause, I'm full of anxiety and I don't know my arse from my elbow. I've had a couple of near misses (my fault) in the last 6 months which has made me extra cautious.
Covid probably hasn't helped, I've gone from 100% in the office with some overseas travel, to 100% WFH.

I just think it's a shame when women let men put them off, that's all. Just go for it ! If it's another reason, like some sort of phobia, OK. But don't let the judgement of others thinking you're a bad driver, put you off. It's a shame.

Again, my opining and generalising. Like I've said about all my posts !

I am a great driver with great spatial awareness. I park better than most men I know and I can squeeze my car through tiniest spaces. I drive at least 50 miles a day that’s included motorway, country lane and city roads. I won’t let men bully me on the road. I can sense their anger towards me and I daren’t look them in the eyes at the traffic lights. I never scroll my windows down anymore when they ask me to, no matter how nicely they ask. As I know I will be called a bitch/cow/c**T if I dare to engage.
But I almost always ‘win’ so…Jokes on them!
I honk back if they dare to honk at me because I know I haven’t broken any rules.
Once a man was hurling abuse at me and I pointed and laughed, funnily enough he shrank back and hid immediately. Road rage cowards.

*there have been occasions where plans have been unable to go ahead or had to be very inconveniently altered because women were scared to drive. That's just annoying"

how often does that actually happen though? There are lots of things people can't do because their friends or family don't like it - eg cycling because they can't ride a bike or are too scared to go on the roads, or crossing a high bridge or going up a high building because they are scared of heights. You just have to find alternatives.

I've driven for many years in many cities, various countries, lots of different roads and a few different cars... And I've never been called a c**t. Maybe you're not as good a driver as you think you are and a little more caution may not be a bad thing?