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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tracking teenagers

410 replies

glittergrrl · 11/02/2022 21:27

Am I the only person not doing this or to find this really odd ?

OP posts:
solbunny · 13/02/2022 01:52

@Angrymum22

DS17 and friends are so used to being “visible” on Snapchat that being tracked by their parents is a convenience rather than intrusive. DS just tells me to use find my friends when he wants a lift. They are also capable of switching it off if they want. My niece, who are at uni, like to know my DSis is safe since she lives alone and often walks her dog alone. I have a habit of putting my phone onto silent at work. If DH needs to get hold of me he can ring the landline if he knows I am there or at home. We don’t use it to constantly track. Just to locate if we are struggling to get in touch. When I’m driving home through the lanes the signal is very intermittent, if DH can’t reach me tracking lets him know I’m on my way but maybe in a black spot.
Oh yes a good point about Snapchat - the Snapmap came out when I was at uni and Jesus the amount of people I added in freshers week that proceeded to have my location for years following is ridiculous 🤣 so that probably desensitised me pretty well to tracking. I don't use the snapmap (or Snapchat at all tbh) anymore as I don't really want all and sundry knowing my every move, but I'm perfectly happy for friends and family to see.
cuno · 13/02/2022 05:34

Oh yes a good point about Snapchat - the Snapmap came out when I was at uni and Jesus the amount of people I added in freshers week that proceeded to have my location for years following is ridiculous 🤣 so that probably desensitised me pretty well to tracking.

That's awful, don't know how you can find that funny. I'll certainly not let my daughter think this is normal or okay. Can't say the same for people who from an early age are used to them and their entire families being tracked though. Hmm

solbunny · 13/02/2022 05:39

@cuno because I don't really care! If you do then that's absolutely fine, you can live your life accordingly. My use of technology doesn't affect you so no need to be so short!

garlictwist · 13/02/2022 05:52

@Bitofachinwag

We all track each other for transparency, it's not about control For transparency? That sounds like you don't trust the people you are tracking.
I completely agree. Tracking people does not tell you they are safe - only where their phone is.

If you really want to know their location for a specific purpose, such as meeting them at the shops - hardly something that occurs multiple times a day - just ask them.

What if they don't have their phone with them? I regularly leave my phone in the car or at home if I'm not going to be out for long.

I hate the thought of being tracked.

liveforsummer · 13/02/2022 06:00

That's awful, don't know how you can find that funny. I'll certainly not let my daughter think this is normal or okay. Can't say the same for people who from an early age are used to them and their entire families being tracked though.

But you're daughter will think it's normal because all her friends will have apps that do it. As teens their peers are a huge influence, more so than anyone else and what they see as a stuffy parent lecturing them about not doing things makes little difference. We already know that because teens get up to all sorts with their mates despite being advised or not allowed.

scooterbear · 13/02/2022 06:45

My dd got spiked and assaulted just before Christmas. We had no idea where she was and the police wouldn't help because she hadn't been missing long enough. I didn't track her but fortunately her sister could see her in snap maps. We found her stumbling down a random street and we were able to get her to a and e. Frankly the worst experience of all our lives. But if we hadn't been able to track her god knows how much worse it would have been.

She is 14. Walked to Asda at 8.30 at night. 5 minute walk. Got chatting to a few boys she knows from school, took a sip of a drink from some older boy that was there with them-and ended up missing for 3 hours and assaulted. We live in a well to do town where this stuff rarely happens. Until it does. So my views on tracking have obviously changed. And so have the DD's, because now they want us to do it to keep them safe.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 13/02/2022 07:16

@Blackwidow47

Well I’m 49 and my kids are 32 &30 and we all track each other! One even lives inAmerica. I also track and have shared personal tracking with 5 girlfriends. It’s a safety thing and nothing controlling about it. We love it. I went travelling round Europe for 2 months last year and my friend caught me visiting Mcdonalds 🤣
How is it a safety thing when it doesn't keep you safe?
Angrymum22 · 13/02/2022 08:24

I think the pp who claim to be horrified that others use the tracking facilities in their phones need a reality check. If we use a mobile phone we are being tracked by someone or something.
My phone know when I am going to work and tells me how long it’s going to take me to get there. It pings this information to me as I leave home or work. I have never set the phone up to do it, it has learned my routine. My phone is a smart phone it is programmed to learn and apply, it’s what we pay for.
If you use any of the social media platforms/apps you are being tracked, you may have switched off the sharing of your location but the app will still use it. Many apps just can’t be used without your location.
Being able to track your children is hardly intrusive when the world and his wife can see them on Snapchat, or they use any number of apps that require their location.

feb21 · 13/02/2022 08:44

I think the point is that tracking doesn't have to be a huge red flag.

My 17 year old went out to a party after school on Friday night. I didn't look at Life360, I didn't track, see or speak to him for 24 hours, I didn't wait up. I trusted him to get himself home. Tracking doesn't have to equal curtailing their freedom or not giving them the space to sort their own arrangements out.

But it's useful on occasions. Some nights he has 45 minutes at home before sports training so it's a quick dinner and back out. I could call him. But he's a fairly new driver and I'd rather he was concentrating on driving than chatting on the phone. I suspect he sees the app as less invasive than me texting or calling him.

If he wanted to turn it off, that would be totally fine with me. Snapchat shows their location to all sorts of random people. A family Life360 used for specific purposes isn't a big deal for us.

feb21 · 13/02/2022 08:49

Nor do I follow them or view their posts on FB, Insta, Snapchat or whatever else they use.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 13/02/2022 08:53

I think the pp who claim to be horrified that others use the tracking facilities in their phones need a reality check. If we use a mobile phone we are being tracked by someone or something.

Many people turn off their locations and never share where they are via any apps.

There's also a difference between Google/Apple knowing that you go to Tesco every Saturday and having your every move and location tracked by your partner.

SkyDragon · 13/02/2022 09:05

I think you either get it it you don't. If you think it's invasive or untrusting or 'red flag' I would suggest you might have some trust issues.
For us, sharing our locations IS trusting each other, none of us have anything to hide, we don't avidly study each others location, it's just there if we need to find each other.
And the 'safety' thing is that it's an extra tool that might help find someone if anything untoward happens to them.
But like I said, you either get it it you don't.

BuddhaAtSea · 13/02/2022 09:17

I’ve tracked my DD since she started Secondary. And she is tracking me.
It’s not controlling, it’s a mutual agreement. We have a code, if we text each other an X, the other looks up the location and starts moving towards it, and call. If no reply, we call the police.

I was never allowed out as a teenager. I have never ever told my DD you can’t go to the party/camping/shopping in the next town. I let her go to Pride at 13 with a group of friends, I let her go to festivals, to London, it’s really not a problem. I just need the tracker so I know how to find her quick in an emergency.
For my side, I do trail runs, I walk the dog on my own, I go abroad on my own etc. She has my back.

I don’t use it to see where she is on a day to day basis, it’s not that interesting and I can always ask and she’d tell me. But why would I?

Lightning020 · 13/02/2022 09:21

I would have hated to be tracked when I was a teenager so I am certainly not going to track my 16 year old ds. He always sends me a whatsapp as to expected time of return and has never messed me about.

twinklystar23 · 13/02/2022 09:21

Reading these, I felt initially that if it's done with openness and transparency and if someone does t want it then that's fine. Though really then concerned that this is normalised, so wide open to abuse. Mine are young adults one just 19 and living in central london. I do just ask for a text/ call to know hes back in London ok, usually met by an eye roll. Reminds me of bad education when the mother had her son chipped Grin

Angrymum22 · 13/02/2022 09:22

I like the reassurance that if I am taken I’ll while out and about my family will be able to locate me.
Most modern cars now have the facility to alert emergency services if you have an accident. My car has a tracker that is activated when it is moved without the ignition key. It works, it had to be taken by low loader to the garage recently and the tracking company phoned me within minutes.
Tracking does not have to mean 24/7 GCHQ style tracking, for some families it just a way of checking in without the need of a phone call or text.
I remember my grandmother going into full panic mode if my mum didn’t phone her at the usual time for their Sunday evening phone call. This was well before mobile phones. My GM would phone the whole family to alert us and try and create panic, Mobile phones and tracking would have been brilliant for GM along with social media she would have been able to be involved in our lives and less isolated.

JustLyra · 13/02/2022 09:45

The “keeps them safe” thing is completely wrong and gives a false sense of security.

When my DD has someone track her we all knock and acknowledge that it’s something that helps after something has gone wrong with her narcolepsy.

It absolutely does not keep her safe, it just helps track her down afterward. Those are not the same things and pretending that it keeps someone safe doesn’t do anyone any favours.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 13/02/2022 09:47

I think you either get it it you don't. If you think it's invasive or untrusting or 'red flag' I would suggest you might have some trust issues.

Not at all, I just don't see the need for my partner (or anyone else) to know where I am 24/7.

I would actually say it shows a huge lack of trust to need to know someone's location 24/7. Why do you need constant transparency? Can someone not want to
go off by themselves for a while without someone else knowing their every move?

DeckardK · 13/02/2022 09:56

@solbunny

Not a parent of a child that age yet so can't comment much there, but I do always find it interesting to see such a wide range of opinion on location tracking.

Personally I have my husband, mother, and about five friends on my find my friends. It all started just with a "hey let's add each other on this" with no hidden anxieties or whatever as suggested by other posters. I mainly use it if I've got a busy evening and want tea out on the table and done with asap - DH leaves work at different times each day and I'm buggered if I can keep up with his timetable so I just use it to see when he sets off. I look at my friends' for amusement really. We often ask each other "what were you doing at X?!" which sounds intense I realise but it's only ever asked in a jokey way. Back before COVID lockdowns turned me into a home bird, it was very useful on nights out I have to say. A few of my friends have a tendency to wander off and it's useful to figure out how to get everyone back in one place for our taxi home 🤣

I do totally understand why other people aren't comfortable with it, but it's just never even been a second thought for me and my circle.

Wow. That is so beyond the realms of normality for me, I find it utterly bizarre. I'd be so disturbed to know that a) my friends had tracking for me and b) looked at it to see where I was for 'fun' - it's bad enough the people claiming it's for safety.
RedToothBrush · 13/02/2022 10:12

@JustLyra

The “keeps them safe” thing is completely wrong and gives a false sense of security.

When my DD has someone track her we all knock and acknowledge that it’s something that helps after something has gone wrong with her narcolepsy.

It absolutely does not keep her safe, it just helps track her down afterward. Those are not the same things and pretending that it keeps someone safe doesn’t do anyone any favours.

This.

If people want to use these things then each to their own. To a point.

However we really should be 'more transparent' and 'honest with each other' about where their use is healthy, what it actually can and cant achieve and where it may leave you vulnerable and open to abuse.

And thst includes conversations about whether your children are genuinely in a situation where they can freely consent or whether due so out of a sense of obligation or misunderstanding about the 'safety' the app can really offer. I wonder if asked by a neutral third party whether you would get such positive responses from children as the parents seem to suggest. (I'd love this to be properly studied)

This is where i have more of an issue. Its the dismissal and hand waving about the legitimacy of the need for this conversation.

It is about the lack of conversation about why normalisation might put you at risk and why you maybe should not be using them in a relationship thats really concerning. The denial about it being used for control is worrying.

If you admit its helping manage anxiety rather than keeping anyone safe, i take slightly less issue with it but still challenge how else you are taking steps to address that other than with a phone. What happens if you lose phone or something strange happens? You need to think that aspect through and im not convinced many are doing that. Its the reliance on the app alone thats troubling.

It certainly isn't about me 'not getting it'. I get it. I get the attraction. I just think the negatives out weigh the benefits and don't think the negatives are properly being considered by huge numbers of people because its easier to ignore this side issues.

Its about statements about 'keeping safe' being trotted out thoughtlessly, time and time again and the lack of consideration about how it might not be all you think it to be and may cause unintended harms.

I am always dubious of the 'but i have nothing to hide' phrase too, because of where that statement has a habit of ending up if things do go bad. You don't have any thing to hide until you need to or until there is an error that you can't them explain. 'The technology doesn't lie' you see, except when theres a banking error for example. Or if you need to do something to protect yourself or others without it being picked up (eg you are in an abusive relationship). Its naively and willingful innocent as a thought process - which if you are saying to children is potentially putting them at risk.

I think there is massive deliberate and willful ignorance going on, which should be highlighted and spoken about a lot more.

I would love some journalist to properly investigate the whole subject tbh.

velvet24 · 13/02/2022 10:15

No i would not do this, its disgusting !

U2HasTheEdge · 13/02/2022 10:32

@Angrymum22

I think the pp who claim to be horrified that others use the tracking facilities in their phones need a reality check. If we use a mobile phone we are being tracked by someone or something. My phone know when I am going to work and tells me how long it’s going to take me to get there. It pings this information to me as I leave home or work. I have never set the phone up to do it, it has learned my routine. My phone is a smart phone it is programmed to learn and apply, it’s what we pay for. If you use any of the social media platforms/apps you are being tracked, you may have switched off the sharing of your location but the app will still use it. Many apps just can’t be used without your location. Being able to track your children is hardly intrusive when the world and his wife can see them on Snapchat, or they use any number of apps that require their location.
My settings are quite strict. I have a few apps that use location and it is set to only use my location when I am using the app.

There is a world of difference between an app tracking me and family members.

Tulips21 · 13/02/2022 10:50

@hihellohihello

Erm no I don't. However, if they were going out late it might be an idea to know they were on their way home ok. Would discuss it with them though. Equally I might enable tracking if I were travelling late by myself.
Same. Dc is 18 now and Ive tracked phone, Dc#2 is 14 & I wont likely track either- However, if late out on own ect then I would with their agreement. Dc1 has only really just started going out though and Ive never had the need to track before
RedToothBrush · 13/02/2022 11:04

I'd like people to ponder the following :

You have a 14 year old daughter who you track.
She is mugged and her phone is stolen. Or she otherwise loses her phone.
You are out and about and contactable via your mobile.

Does she know you mobile phone number by heart thus giving her the ability to call you when she needs you in the absence of her phone?

I suspect its actually a surprising number of people who don't know the mobile number of any one but themselves by heart.

Fedupsotired · 13/02/2022 11:06

@RedToothBrush

I'd like people to ponder the following :

You have a 14 year old daughter who you track.
She is mugged and her phone is stolen. Or she otherwise loses her phone.
You are out and about and contactable via your mobile.

Does she know you mobile phone number by heart thus giving her the ability to call you when she needs you in the absence of her phone?

I suspect its actually a surprising number of people who don't know the mobile number of any one but themselves by heart.

Both my children know mine and dh's mobile number, they have done for years.
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