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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tracking teenagers

410 replies

glittergrrl · 11/02/2022 21:27

Am I the only person not doing this or to find this really odd ?

OP posts:
Franticbutterfly · 12/02/2022 20:45

We all share our locations, none of us mind. It helps to know which house we have to pick our DD up from.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 12/02/2022 21:21

@savehannah
It’s really harsh that someone has said that you have failed at parenting on this thread.

Apparently some people have raiesed or are raising trusting, independent children while they themselves lack the common decency not to make harsh and unfounded sweeping generalisations about the totality of someone’s parenting abilities based on a few paragraphs of conversation.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 12/02/2022 21:27

@megletthesecond

bit I won't know for 20 mins or so if I wait for the school. If I can see her phone is at school at 8:20 I know I don't have to panic. I don't want her "missing" for 20 mins if she hasn't arrived. We're in CAMHS and self harm hell at the moment.
@megletthesecond Your situation sounds very difficult. I hope that things improve soon. Waiting each day must be very stressful. Flowers
RedToothBrush · 12/02/2022 21:36

@Fedupsotired

My daughter asked for me to track her so that when she was testing out a walk to a potential new college she felt safe and knew I could find her. It's all about why you do it I think
But its nothing more than a security blanket to Mum!

It doesn't make her safer.

Does having it mean she will make different, more risky decisions because she feels safer with the app rather than relying solely on her judgment of the situation she's in? Thats the danger.

Look up the theory of 'Risk homeostasis'. Its fascinating.

HoppyHop · 12/02/2022 22:22

@Landlubber2019

I track my mum, as a widow, I like to know that when she is out and about she is at least well. I like to know that when she has driven home, she has arrived home safely.

We all track each other for transparency, it's not about control.

Exactly this for me too. My DC also have trackers but it's their choice, they can remove them if they don't want them. I hardly ever use them apart from arranging to pick them up (as they seem unable to learn road names Hmm).
RedToothBrush · 12/02/2022 22:28

Why do you need to be transparent about where your mother goes, and to check up on whether shes out and about or not?

Why not have a conversation with each other and trust each other.

Not about control my arse. Its a security blanket for the anxious, of course thats about control.

JustLyra · 12/02/2022 22:33

as they seem unable to learn road names

I think that’s one of the big dangers. What if they have no signal? Or their battery dies?

Being totally dependent on technology isn’t a good idea and it makes people, especially young people, complacent

Wherearemymarbles · 12/02/2022 22:47

At the end of the day we all make our own parenting choices

What’s normal for some is weird for others. I could list a 100 things that other parents do that i think are weird or piss poor parenting yet my views might get me hung drawn and quartered on MN

There is absolutely no right or wrong on this topic

BuddhaForMary · 12/02/2022 22:56

Not about control my arse. Its a security blanket for the anxious, of course thats about control.

Completely agree @RedToothBrush

Bouledeneige · 12/02/2022 23:00

I never did it and don't approve. I would rather build trust and openness with teens.

Ironically now my DD21 is at university and I live alone we share find my phone for security. But I'm not tracking her and she's not tracking me.

ClareBlue · 12/02/2022 23:41

And a very sinister development. I've just read about women finding apple tracking devices in their cars without their knowledge. Aparantley Apple tell them if it is a device not connected to their phone but partners can easily connect it to their partner's phone and collect data on their phone without the person knowing. This is a new level of concern.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 12/02/2022 23:56

@ClareBlue

And a very sinister development. I've just read about women finding apple tracking devices in their cars without their knowledge. Aparantley Apple tell them if it is a device not connected to their phone but partners can easily connect it to their partner's phone and collect data on their phone without the person knowing. This is a new level of concern.
And has nothing to do with the original post.
solbunny · 12/02/2022 23:58

Not a parent of a child that age yet so can't comment much there, but I do always find it interesting to see such a wide range of opinion on location tracking.

Personally I have my husband, mother, and about five friends on my find my friends. It all started just with a "hey let's add each other on this" with no hidden anxieties or whatever as suggested by other posters. I mainly use it if I've got a busy evening and want tea out on the table and done with asap - DH leaves work at different times each day and I'm buggered if I can keep up with his timetable so I just use it to see when he sets off. I look at my friends' for amusement really. We often ask each other "what were you doing at X?!" which sounds intense I realise but it's only ever asked in a jokey way. Back before COVID lockdowns turned me into a home bird, it was very useful on nights out I have to say. A few of my friends have a tendency to wander off and it's useful to figure out how to get everyone back in one place for our taxi home 🤣

I do totally understand why other people aren't comfortable with it, but it's just never even been a second thought for me and my circle.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 13/02/2022 00:00

I never did it and don't approve. I would rather build trust and openness with teens.

Tracking apps don’t preclude trust and openness. One can utilise tech and even tracking tech and maintain an open and trusting relationship with their teens.

Blackwidow47 · 13/02/2022 00:03

Well I’m 49 and my kids are 32 &30 and we all track each other! One even lives inAmerica. I also track and have shared personal tracking with 5 girlfriends. It’s a safety thing and nothing controlling about it. We love it. I went travelling round Europe for 2 months last year and my friend caught me visiting Mcdonalds 🤣

RedToothBrush · 13/02/2022 00:10

@Blackwidow47

Well I’m 49 and my kids are 32 &30 and we all track each other! One even lives inAmerica. I also track and have shared personal tracking with 5 girlfriends. It’s a safety thing and nothing controlling about it. We love it. I went travelling round Europe for 2 months last year and my friend caught me visiting Mcdonalds 🤣
Again. A tracking app can't keep you safe! Its an anxiety security blanket!

What is it with this myth that a tracking app can somehow mysteriously keep you safe from harm in the real world?

What is it that makes people unable to see this is an app to manage and control your own anxiety?

Its absoluetely fascinating to see person after person trot this out.

HOW does it PHYSICALLY keep you safer than if you didn't have it?
It what way isn't it purely about you make you FEEL less scared of the world around you?

Big big difference.

Its all psychological.

Doratheexploret · 13/02/2022 00:20

Mt daughter has Life360, she’s 15. I rarely use it unless she’s on her way home in the dark or something and I check to see if she’s close. She has no problem with it. My 14 year old son doesn’t want it so doesn’t have it. I can see where he is on snap chat of I need to. It’s not weird or a red flag.

U2HasTheEdge · 13/02/2022 00:27

I think it is awful. It is scary how normal it has become.

I do worry at times when my older teenage son is out clubbing. There would maybe be some sense of security to be able to track that he is still in the club, or on the way home in a taxi, but I know that this is not fair to him, and safety behaviours like this are rarely good for managing anxiety.

It's all well and good to say your teen can just turn it off, but they are not going to want to alert you to the fact that they don't want to be tracked. That is likely to come with a few questions!

I do not want to teach my children that it is OK to be tracked for their 'safety', or other people's convience. It really isnt OK.

I also wonder how many teens freely consent to being tracked, and how many go along with it to keep the peace, or because their parent's anxiety has rubbed off onto them and they now feel unsafe without it.

If my husband wanted to track me so he knew when to put dinner on, I would wonder what the heck is going on with him. A text message has always sufficed if he really needs to know where I am for some reason.

NoneOfYour32Potatoes · 13/02/2022 00:33

I went travelling round Europe for 2 months last year and my friend caught me visiting Mcdonalds 🤣

It can be fun, can’t it! It’s really nice to read your post.

RedToothBrush · 13/02/2022 00:40

I also wonder how many teens freely consent to being tracked, and how many go along with it to keep the peace, or because their parent's anxiety has rubbed off onto them and they now feel unsafe without it.

Whats the MN much used acronym?

FOG.

Fear Obligation and Guilt.

All this business about 'im safer' certainly is pandering to that.

Angrymum22 · 13/02/2022 00:59

DS17 and friends are so used to being “visible” on Snapchat that being tracked by their parents is a convenience rather than intrusive. DS just tells me to use find my friends when he wants a lift. They are also capable of switching it off if they want.
My niece, who are at uni, like to know my DSis is safe since she lives alone and often walks her dog alone.
I have a habit of putting my phone onto silent at work. If DH needs to get hold of me he can ring the landline if he knows I am there or at home.
We don’t use it to constantly track. Just to locate if we are struggling to get in touch. When I’m driving home through the lanes the signal is very intermittent, if DH can’t reach me tracking lets him know I’m on my way but maybe in a black spot.

Siameasy · 13/02/2022 01:01

I didn’t know you could do this and I find it disturbing and controlling

Jeyesfluid · 13/02/2022 01:02

Tracking apps don’t preclude trust and openness. One can utilise tech and even tracking tech and maintain an open and trusting relationship with their teens.

Absolutely.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 13/02/2022 01:38

I just don't understand the "putting dinner on" argument. I've been late home from work plenty of times. My husband usually calls me if he wants to refine timings for food, and we ... speak.

If I'm really running late, he leaves a plate of food for me to microwave and serves himself and the kids.

solbunny · 13/02/2022 01:48

@iCouldSleepForAYear it's just what works for us. Everyone's different. The type of evenings where I'm concerned with getting dinner out as quick as possible are usually the type of evenings where I value speed, and clicking on an app and just seeing his location is a lot quicker than phoning or waiting for a text back!

Also, it's not really an "argument" for tracking, I'm just giving one example of how we use it. I didn't one day say "oh DH, please can I track your location so I can accurately time dinner". We just decided to use the app for no real reason and without much thought, and eventually I found it useful r.e. dinner timings.