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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
Bel1991 · 12/02/2022 21:51

As a first time breastfeeding Mum, I can certainly to your friend. I'm also not ready to leave my baby worth someone else for long but am longing to resume more outings with my friends.
I understand that's it's harder for you to enjoy the usual activities like a drink at the pub with a little bubba tagging along.
Maybe you could have a gentle convo and just say, it seemed a bit hard last time- why don't we go to the cafe/park instead.
I imagine it's her attempt at getting back to normal life as much as she can whist including her little baby

Insanelysilver · 12/02/2022 21:54

She’s breast feeding which does make it harder to leave the baby but also she probably just can’t bare to he parted from her at the moment. Baby’s still very young. In a years time she will probably be a lot easier for your DF to leave the child snd she’ll be desperate for a few hours break.
In the mean time, when you meet her in the evening, plan to meet another friend later once she’s gone home to put the baby to bed lol

Noisyneighneigh · 12/02/2022 21:55

@Frozentoes2

So tempted not to bite.... but.....

The “you won’t understand until you have one” comment I made (gasps how terrible and outrageous, what an insult to every woman everywhere) is true! It was for me anyway.

I personally didn’t have a clue that a 6 month old baby would need to be breastfed every couple of hours, would REFUSE to take a bottle even if it was expressed milk, or that my baby would cry inconsolably if Dad tried to feed them a bottle of expressed milk whilst i was out. To all those who were breastfeeding and baby experts before they had their own, well fucking done but believe me, not everyone is. And to be honest it doesn’t sound like OP was from her opening post or she’d maybe be a little more sympathetic.

It's true and it's not a put down. I would be surprised if the OP had kids because she wondered why her friend couldn't stay out into the night like her husband. Tbf I have no idea why her friend wants to go the pub in the evening with a small baby and I get the OP's frustration. I just stuck to day meets and seldom went out at night until baby was older. As much as I loved a drink or 5 without the baby, the expressing prep felt like a military operation and often was just too tired.
Boombastic22 · 12/02/2022 21:55

Honestly, your lives are in different places. I wouldn’t bother going.

It’s perfectly possibly to have expressed and given baby a bottle from very early days but a lot of women like to have Velcro babies and don’t make expressing/having a life a priority.

anon12345678901 · 12/02/2022 21:58

@CloR86

A person can't be away from their breastfeeding baby so you are being unreasonable.
You are joking right? I breastfed my son and was away for an evening. I pumped beforehand so I could. Not all women cannot be away from their breastfed child.
Feetupteashot · 12/02/2022 21:58

She loves you and she loves her baby!

stairgates · 12/02/2022 22:01

Hope you had a great night OP!

EarringsandLipstick · 12/02/2022 22:02

My baby is 10months and won’t go more than an hour or so without me so she may well intend to see you without her but it might not be possible

10 months! 10 months! And can't go more than an hour without you? That's really not usual.

Many women are back at work when their babies are 10 months (I was). How do you think they manage?

I'm astounded by the amount of women here unable to leave their babies.

echt · 12/02/2022 22:04

@Boombastic22

Honestly, your lives are in different places. I wouldn’t bother going.

It’s perfectly possibly to have expressed and given baby a bottle from very early days but a lot of women like to have Velcro babies and don’t make expressing/having a life a priority.

In that case, the OP's friend needs to stop making child-free arrangements and then changing her mind at the last minute and bringing the baby.

Every every time.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 12/02/2022 22:26

I’m with you OP. How dull. And I have two kids (from the point of view of boring others). I have way less patience than you and would be yawning and downing vodkas if I had to listen to that in a Wetherspoons on a Friday night. You’re a saint for wading through the rubbish on here.
She’ll probably come round so don’t wreck it now, all I’d say. And pray she doesn’t have a no. 2 ! 🙂

Frozentoes2 · 12/02/2022 22:30

10 months! 10 months! And can't go more than an hour without you? That's really not usual

Who the hell are you to say whether it’s usual or not!!!? Sounds perfectly normal to me - all babies and mums are different.

Just because you made certain choices don’t try and convince someone else that their baby is not normal - that’s really low.

Oh and don’t bother to pretend you’re “astounded” by others choices either. You’re not really astounded because it’s not that shocking - you’re just judging those who parent in a different way to you.

JessieLongleg · 12/02/2022 22:31

@13Tessabelle74

Totally get what you saying but either way formula or breast milk I still want my husband to be able to feed. I have multiple back problems so some days I just have to stop. Know I know about all my health problems I'm going to see my knee speclist and maybe have a operation on my knee where I will need 3 nights in hospital and leg up for 6 weeks. I will hire a wheelchair to get around the home. So either way friends or health my put is my baby needs to feel comfortable feeding from him. It's not a excuse. My friend who don't talk to me who is never willing to leave the babies with the dad as don't trust him with then. Couldn't manage breast feeding. What upsets me is they are 2 now starting to understand more than people thing young ones can I would like to talk about what's going on. Firstly I think it would be quite scary for a young child especially if their mother is concerned. Even when children get older they can have big mouths and let secrets away. We all need a bit of time to be ourselves as well as family time. In fact my mum said one of the things about lockdown she missed was both her and husband coming home telling stories about their on adventures and friend as well as the extended family time together.

T00Ts · 12/02/2022 22:36

Jesus Christ. If one more presumptuous dolt who cannot ‘read all’ of the the OP’s posts comes on here, I swear, I shall become very unpleasant.

Max14165 · 12/02/2022 22:38

Have you ever thought that whilst it may seem husband / partner seems to be able to jaunt off with his pals .. that maybe he doesn’t want to have the baby to look after when she goes out .. maybe he’s a selfish SOB who doesn’t reciprocate with the family childcare … maybe she makes these plans in the hope the may step up to his fatherly child minder role then let’s her down when he doesn’t see it’s his job to … speaking from personal family experience here …..

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/02/2022 22:40

@DilyteGelyte

YANBU to not want DF to bring her baby, but YABU to not expect her to want to/bring her baby.
Plus since when it’s it a thing that mothers WANT to be with their baby 24/7?? Surely a couple probably hours off over a weekend to catch up with a friend and relax etc would be a welcome break conducive to mothers mental health etc
ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 22:45

@Max14165

Have you ever thought that whilst it may seem husband / partner seems to be able to jaunt off with his pals .. that maybe he doesn’t want to have the baby to look after when she goes out .. maybe he’s a selfish SOB who doesn’t reciprocate with the family childcare … maybe she makes these plans in the hope the may step up to his fatherly child minder role then let’s her down when he doesn’t see it’s his job to … speaking from personal family experience here …..
It's entirely possible this is the case. Given that when the friend is in the local area she stays with her parents, she has been spectacularly unlucky that none of the three adults she is staying with have been free for a single time she was having a child-free meetup. When I visit my parents 200 miles away they don't normally stack their social calendars.
85sarah2004 · 12/02/2022 22:48

So maybe she keeps making plans with you because she's lonely, she wants to spend time with you, because you are her friend? She probably misses going out for drinks & her old loife, & seeing you gives her a little connection to that. I don't think you are unreasonable to want child free time with her... But I don't think she is unreasonable for needing to keep her breastfeed baby with her at such a young age. My youngest is one and she's only been left with her dad of an evening once, and I was home by 10pm to find her screaming as he attempted to rock her back to sleep. Your friend is probably having a tough time, but if the friendship means a lot to you, try & cut her a bit of slack.

BlackeyedSusan · 12/02/2022 22:49

She needs to stick to baby friendly stuff and not promise a night out that turns into an hour early evening. If she wants an early evening drink. Tell op that. Arrange that.

Jobsharenightmare · 12/02/2022 22:50

So much hate for women who can't/don't want to express on here! (Not from OP).

I didn't want a break from my first baby. When you've waited years and years for them maybe it's different. I wouldn't have made plans in this way though and think your response was fine OP.

Some of the thread police are in force I see. People don't have to read all the updates, as much as it infuriates some posters.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 22:56

People don't have to read all the updates, as much as it infuriates some posters.

If they're going to stick the boot in and call the OP selfish, a bad friend, and unable to understand how it feels to be a mother (when she hasn't stated either way if she has older children), they really should.

Canaloha · 12/02/2022 22:58

Some of the thread police are in force I see. People don't have to read all the updates, as much as it infuriates some posters.

Its bloody annoying, especially as many people don't seem to have even read the first post!

Daphodils · 12/02/2022 23:01

@ToykotoLosAngeles

People don't have to read all the updates, as much as it infuriates some posters.

If they're going to stick the boot in and call the OP selfish, a bad friend, and unable to understand how it feels to be a mother (when she hasn't stated either way if she has older children), they really should.

Not on AIBU - it's about asking a question and people judging you. Put all you shit in the first post!
ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 23:06

I didn't want a break from my first baby. When you've waited years and years for them maybe it's different.

I can't believe you wrote this.

milkyaqua · 12/02/2022 23:07

Oh, come on. People barely (mis) read the title before forming an opinion and posting, let alone read the full opening post.

BadNomad · 12/02/2022 23:13

I just want to know if you bought the dress?

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