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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

999 replies

DijfunvKd · 11/02/2022 12:19

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 12/02/2022 19:47

@LGBirmingham my friend is a carer to her parent with dementia - how do you think compares?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 12/02/2022 19:49

The OP has not stated whether she is child-free, on purpose. For all you patronising posters know, she's got 16 year old triplets.

saraclara · 12/02/2022 19:51

It's absolutely impossible to know how hard work it is with a baby until you've had one. There is literally nothing you can compare it to that you will have experienced.

So you know that OP doesn't have children?

And have you actually read that IT'S THE FRIEND THAT PLANS THESE NIGHTS OUT. It's not OP. The friend insists on a grown up meal out, and then at the last minute, brings the baby and just wants a drink at Wetherspoons.

Please PLEASE at least read the OP's posts before commenting.

Wam90 · 12/02/2022 19:53

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread so this may have been covered but could you go to her house maybe? At least then the baby can go to bed and you can enjoy a drink with her.
My little girl is 8 months old and until she was 6 months and we started weaning her she would not be settled back to sleep by anyone other than me. She screamed until either I fed her again or she was taken downstairs and distracted that way. She won’t take a bottle no matter how hard we’ve tried. I made so many plans with different friends and often had to change them to coming to my house instead.
I agree that it’s annoying but as a mother you’re trying to do your best for everyone - you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your friends and you feel guilty for wanting to stay at home with your baby. It’ll get better, and really all your friend needs is a friend to stick by her while all this is happening.

LGBirmingham · 12/02/2022 19:54

[quote Movingonup22]@LGBirmingham my friend is a carer to her parent with dementia - how do you think compares?[/quote]
Completely different I'd imagine. The two are completely different scenarios and I wouldn't be arrogant enough to assume I knew anything about caring for someone with dementia.

LGBirmingham · 12/02/2022 19:55

Wow I didn't know what I was getting myself into here. I'm out. Enjoy your evenings all.

Wam90 · 12/02/2022 19:56

@Movingonup22 I think that’s on another level.

sjxoxo · 12/02/2022 19:59

Haven’t read all the replies but honestly when you have a baby it’s like an extension of your own body.. I’m 5 weeks in to being a mum and especially if you’re breastfeeding frankly baby comes… I think for now you are better to meet her in the day and refuse the evenings. She could maybe leave baby for a couple of hours but any more if baby is under 6 months is very tricky xo

beeflin · 12/02/2022 20:03

I blame the patriarchy! Her husband indeed behaves as if nothing's changed, but she is correct in responding to the profound change that has happened. Unfortunately we are not told to expect this, so she didn't know until it happened.

RachelGreeneGreep · 12/02/2022 20:05

@ToykotoLosAngeles

The OP has not stated whether she is child-free, on purpose. For all you patronising posters know, she's got 16 year old triplets.
And twenty year old quads. Wink

If only the OP had not sent that money poem in the wedding invitation...

BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/02/2022 20:07

Fuck me, has some sort of bat signal gone out? The thread is suddenly full of the hard-of-comprehension-skills wanging on about the need for OP to be a "good friend" and how babies need to be with their mother if they're being breast fed (really, I don't think anyone knew that before you so generously educated us all Hmm ).

Garnish all that with yet more "You'll finally understand when you knuckle down to motherhood in a few years, you thoughtless flibbertigibbet" and, well, you hear that whooshing noise? That's people spectacularly missing the point and piling in with their own agenda probably because they behave as shittily as OP's Flaky Friend and don't want to admit it.

To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?
BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/02/2022 20:09

@sjxoxo

Haven’t read all the replies but honestly when you have a baby it’s like an extension of your own body.. I’m 5 weeks in to being a mum and especially if you’re breastfeeding frankly baby comes… I think for now you are better to meet her in the day and refuse the evenings. She could maybe leave baby for a couple of hours but any more if baby is under 6 months is very tricky xo
@sjxoxo then maybe you could try just clicking the OP's posts and scrolling through those so that you can check that by 800-and-something messages you're not just adding the same trite nonsense that other people have...
LianneCL · 12/02/2022 20:11

My baby is 10months and won’t go more than an hour or so without me so she may well intend to see you without her but it might not be possible
Maybe you could ask her (supportively) how weaning is going (if baby is over 6months) and if she’s good for other people… might be a more positive way of establishing if baby settles

Of course it could be your friend who doesn’t like to be without the baby for more than an hour or so

Also I wasn’t sure from the OP if your friend has someone local to you that she can leave baby with…? If not she’ll have to factor in travel time to time left without baby… even if baby is good with others her boobs might be ready to pop by then!

RachelGreeneGreep · 12/02/2022 20:12

I think the OP's other thread is worth linking here at this stage.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4478797-To-think-there-is-an-appalling-lack-of-comprehension-on-these-boards

Domino20 · 12/02/2022 20:19

YABU simply because after it happened a couple of times you really shouldn't have been entertaining those requests when you clearly know what's going to happen.

GAHgamel · 12/02/2022 20:20

Initially I thought that on balance OP was being unreasonable, but further details are definitely pushing me the other way. Yes, it's tricky to socialise when you're breastfeeding, but friend bailing on agreed plans at the last minute so that friend's DH can take up a last minute invite isn't on.

Kizzyma · 12/02/2022 20:22

I’ve got two children and am
totally on your side . Why would she think you want to spend an evening out with her child ? Totally selfish . I would still see her but I would only see her with the baby at lunchtimes. Everytime she says she needs to bring the baby in the evening I would cancel and say I will see her another time.

saraclara · 12/02/2022 20:23

[quote RachelGreeneGreep]I think the OP's other thread is worth linking here at this stage.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4478797-To-think-there-is-an-appalling-lack-of-comprehension-on-these-boards[/quote]
Indeed. But I fear that you're hitting your head against the same brick wall as me.

saraclara · 12/02/2022 20:24

@BrightYellowDaffodil

Fuck me, has some sort of bat signal gone out? The thread is suddenly full of the hard-of-comprehension-skills wanging on about the need for OP to be a "good friend" and how babies need to be with their mother if they're being breast fed (really, I don't think anyone knew that before you so generously educated us all Hmm ).

Garnish all that with yet more "You'll finally understand when you knuckle down to motherhood in a few years, you thoughtless flibbertigibbet" and, well, you hear that whooshing noise? That's people spectacularly missing the point and piling in with their own agenda probably because they behave as shittily as OP's Flaky Friend and don't want to admit it.

Thanks! I've saved that image for further use.
Fluffykins2020 · 12/02/2022 20:26

Because us as mums miss the things we did before we had babies (not that we regret having them and wouldn't change it for the world) and we now want to include socialising with friends with our children. Also for me personally its a little to do with fomo. This is my opinion anyway. Ps I'm a mum of a 7 month old boy.

newbiename · 12/02/2022 20:28

@username1293948

I assume you don’t have children?
Don't people with children ever go out without them ?
BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/02/2022 20:29

Because us as mums miss the things we did before we had babies

So it's OK to mess your child-free friends about then, in the same way OP's friend has which you'd know if you'd read the full thread and you don't care what said other friends feel about socialising having to involve your little darlings?

phishy · 12/02/2022 20:31

@Fluffykins2020

Because us as mums miss the things we did before we had babies (not that we regret having them and wouldn't change it for the world) and we now want to include socialising with friends with our children. Also for me personally its a little to do with fomo. This is my opinion anyway. Ps I'm a mum of a 7 month old boy.
Socialise by boring your friend to tears by refusing to talk about anything but your baby?
Eve76 · 12/02/2022 20:32

I don’t think your being unreasonable I think your DF should ditch going to the pub with a young baby though , naturally you would assume it would be a let your hair event

RightsHoardingRaptor · 12/02/2022 20:33

When dd was that age I was in denial that my life had changed so I would arrange things and then fail. Repeatedly. Fail to leave her. Fail to cope. Fail to recognise that my life had shifted to an unrecognisable degree. Maybe she's struggling to adjust too and is being unrealistic.

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