To not want DF to bring her baby everywhere?

[DijfunvKd]

My friend lives a few hours away from me, and visits the area I live in fairly often. She had her first baby last year. When she visits, it's always with her DH.

Now she's had the baby, she will contact me asking if I want to meet her and the baby for coffee or lunch, and I always go. She will also ask if I want to go for a drink or nice meal one evening, and so I find a date on which I'm available. However, I then get messages to say she'll have to bring the baby because she'll need breastfeeding, or there is no one else to look after her etc. So we end up having a quick coke in a child friendly pub, or they both come to my house.

I don't mind the lunches with the baby, and do the expected 'isn't she cute?' (she is), 'is she eating/sleeping well?' small talk, but I find it extremely boring and do it to be polite and supportive. I don't want to repeat the same conversation on the evening.

DF will always say 'baby will be no trouble while we're out, she's very placid', but it inevitably becomes DF talking to the baby while I sit and make the expected cooing noises, and then she needs to leave early to get the baby to bed. If she had no option but to bring the baby to socialise then that would be one thing, but her DH goes off for hours with his friends, child free, well into the night, and I can't understand why she can't do that. If it was because she simply didn't want to leave the baby, then why ask if I'd like to go for a drink or nice meal in the evening?

During her pregnancy she was claiming nothing would change, that she'd still be going on holiday with friends and leaving the baby with her dad, and I thought she was deluding herself with that, but now that the baby has arrived she's swung hard the other way, which is her prerogative, but AIBU to think that her expectation that she brings the baby every time we see each other is ridiculous?

For information, the same happens when I visit her too, although that is less often because she visits friends and family where I live and stays with her parents.

'I think I have been extremely accepting, with good grace, of limitations'

I agree, you have, but you have your limits, just like everyone

Why do you think she's still so determined to see you, despite not showing much interest in you when you are together? Is it just to show off the baby?

Hi OP I’ve had a sorta related thread going related in part to a friend having a baby but I didn’t get as much crap as you’re getting!

I solved my issue by making a new friend this morning 😁 I’d be declining all future invites with friend myself.

This is what it’s like when I meet my friend and her toddler, for a ‘catch up’.

Me: lovely to see you, I feel like-

Df: STOP IT! STOP IT! Take your coat off NO NOT ON THE FLOOR yes Wheelie, I know, I feel so out of touch with everyone these KIND HANDS KIND HANDS

Me: Shall we get a cake, we can share a-

Df: DO YOU NEED THE TOILET? You do. Yes you do. Mummy will take you to the toilet sorry Wheelie what were you saying, how’s the situation with NOW! WE ARE GOING TO THE TOILET NOW

Me: well yeah, all a bit of a mess really, I-

Df: NO! THAT’S NOT YOURS!! Where’s your Ella’s Kitchen? PEAR!!! NO IT’S PEAR
sorry Wheelie do you know what he’s a nightmare today so I’m going to shoot off, thanks for the catch up though so lovely to see you COAT ON COAT ON

And I love her but Christ alive, it’s totally wearing. Some people just don’t want get it.

To take your baby with you is good parenting, just what babie needs.

*don’t want to get it

@neverornow

Sounds like she has good intentions. She's still trying to maintain the friendship despite the fact that she has a baby who needs her (more than you do...) Fair play to get for suggesting evening/dinner/drink dates. That's a lot more than I'd have been able to commit to. Be grateful that she's willing to make such an effort with you.

Be grateful that she’s willing to hold court and give OP the blessing of watching her talk to her baby for hours, for six months, whilst not asking a single question about OP or OP’s life? Be grateful that she’s willing to suggest evening dates, which she never keeps, mucking OP around in the meantime?

Who wouldn’t be grateful for such a fulfilling experience? Some mums are in another world.

@neverornow

Sounds like she has good intentions. She's still trying to maintain the friendship despite the fact that she has a baby who needs her (more than you do...) Fair play to get for suggesting evening/dinner/drink dates. That's a lot more than I'd have been able to commit to. Be grateful that she's willing to make such an effort with you.

What effort am I meant to be grateful for?

OP, I think I would be straight with your friend.

"DF, you know I love to spend time with you. But it would be really great if, just once in a while, we could have an adult evening without DB. We always plan to do this, and you say your DH will look after DB. But then every time, the plans are changed at the last minute. What's really going on here? Does your DH not want to take his turn looking after DB so you can have some adult time? Or do you not want to be separated from DB? If you're not ready to leave DB at home, that's fine, but let's stick to planning lunches until you are ready. It's a shame to keep planning a proper adult night out and then end up having a lemonade in Wetherspoons before you take DB home for bathtime and bed. If you do feel ready to leave DB at home but your DH isn't doing his share, can you talk to him about it? Because it's really not fair for you to have to keep changing your plans just because he has something he would rather be doing that night. Talk to me. What's going on?"

I understand how you feel. I have friends with a baby/child or children.
She has made plans more than once to meet up in the evening to go to X place and then turns up with the baby. So you end up giving up your evening.
I think you need to say to her at this stage we can meet up for coffee or lunch until the baby is a bit older as it suits you better. Your not dropping your friendship and you still their for her. Perhaps suggest that you both can to a posh restaurant for a meal to celebrate something within the next few months. Say that X her partner can mind the baby then. In a few months time she might have the baby taking a bottle and having solids so she can be baby free for a few hours.
Its important as her baby gets older that she has some child free time for her own sake. She also needs to realise that you don't want the baby their every time you see her and that other people can only put up with so much baby talk.

@DijfunvKd - You posted this:
'DB is going to have to come with me tonight. Is that okay? Otherwise I can only stay an hour'
And your reply should be "Oh, that's a shame, I really wanted to just catch up with you.

'You can't take a baby to x?'

'Yeah I know! I'll cancel the booking. Do you fancy going to [local Wetherspoons] instead? DB is never any bother there. Or I could come to yours?'
and your reply should be "No, I wanted to go out to X with you. Staying in doesn't suit as I've been at work all week and need to get out for a bit

'Is DH not looking after her? I thought he was?'
'Yeah he was but Rob text him to say the lads are going [to city drinking] ( which we were meant to be doing ) and I've told him to go. He's been at work all week and it's just as easy for me to take DB with me so no point in him missing a night out'.
*and your reply should be "Well, why is it ok for you to miss a night out but not your DH?" or "Ah well, that's a shame. Another night out for us girls missed. I will contact Mary or Jane or Sarah and see if they want to go out instead."
See what she says to that sort of a reply to her comments.

You are not being unreasonable but I'd try and deflect and agree to meet her during the day but night times are for adults only (for the moment). You're allowed to have girls nights out sans baby.

@WheelieBinPrincess I completely agree and that is exactly why I never take my children with me when I meet friends! Though I do find in practice that means that I see my friends less often (and have sometimes encountered some annoyance about this) - but it's a much better quality interaction!

I wouldn't be your friend anymore if I was her. Life's too short

That is so frustrating! She has no problem changing plans at the last minute to suit her, you need to show her that’s not acceptable anymore. Say you were actually fancying X and not Wetherspoons (again 🙄). Completely cancel and tell her you’ll meet for a coffee or lunch another time. If she keeps on arranging evening meet-ups just say no.

I agree with babyjellyfish.

it sounds like you've built up a lot of resentment against your friend and that's not going to do the friendship any good. Either step back, or just speak to her honestly as suggested above.

Otherwise why should she change anything? You just keep going along with it and pretending everything is fine.

@EverydayIsPJday

So just don't meet up with her 🤷 it sounds like you're mighty annoyed, not enjoying her company and are not prepared to do it again...so don't. Go out with your other friends when you want to. Just understand that she will then probably drop wanting to see you too when she gets to the point she's comfortable going out without her baby (which could be anytime between now and whenever, it's her choice).

Fwiw she probably thinks your being really supportive and enjoying your company so it's a shame she will realise that's not the case and lose a friend because she has a small child that she's not ready to leave yet (and that's totally reasonable).

She will drop me because I don't want evening plans changed last minute to entertaining a baby?

She doesn't have to leave the baby. She is quite free to not make plans involving leaving the baby. I don't know how many times I can say this.

@WheelieBinPrincess

This is what it’s like when I meet my friend and her toddler, for a ‘catch up’.

Me: lovely to see you, I feel like-

Df: STOP IT! STOP IT! Take your coat off NO NOT ON THE FLOOR yes Wheelie, I know, I feel so out of touch with everyone these KIND HANDS KIND HANDS

Me: Shall we get a cake, we can share a-

Df: DO YOU NEED THE TOILET? You do. Yes you do. Mummy will take you to the toilet sorry Wheelie what were you saying, how’s the situation with NOW! WE ARE GOING TO THE TOILET NOW

Me: well yeah, all a bit of a mess really, I-

Df: NO! THAT’S NOT YOURS!! Where’s your Ella’s Kitchen? PEAR!!! NO IT’S PEAR
sorry Wheelie do you know what he’s a nightmare today so I’m going to shoot off, thanks for the catch up though so lovely to see you COAT ON COAT ON

And I love her but Christ alive, it’s totally wearing. Some people just don’t want get it.

This, I felt this one. It’s not just when babies/ children are there either, if I go out with two friends who have children, the amount of times i get talked over is ridiculous. I have distanced myself from a few because of this.

For me with baby friends it’s generally this:

DF1: Molly, how’s things, how is work, you got a new job!
Me: Yes, I love it, it’s -
DF2: Omigodddd DF2 did I tell you, ‘CHILD’ did a green poo today it was so funny.
DF1: Omigodddd realllly?? That is funny!
Conversation moves on and repeat, repeat, repeat.

I wouldn’t mind so much if these conversations were directed at everyone there but without fail they are ALWAYS directed at the other baby friend.

YANBU. Your friend shouldn’t be making plans she can’t stick to. Also, hate to tell you this Op but this may not just be a phase. One of my friends insists on her 10 year old son coming to all our group meet ups. No special needs and a good kid but it does change the dynamic. She spends most of the time fussing over him, will cut off conversations mid sentence to focus on him and there are some things we wouldn’t talk about round him. He doesn’t seem to enjoy it that much either tbh. I have started to make myself less available for meet ups as I find it all a bit rude and boring.

@babyjellyfish

OP, I think I would be straight with your friend.

"DF, you know I love to spend time with you. But it would be really great if, just once in a while, we could have an adult evening without DB. We always plan to do this, and you say your DH will look after DB. But then every time, the plans are changed at the last minute. What's really going on here? Does your DH not want to take his turn looking after DB so you can have some adult time? Or do you not want to be separated from DB? If you're not ready to leave DB at home, that's fine, but let's stick to planning lunches until you are ready. It's a shame to keep planning a proper adult night out and then end up having a lemonade in Wetherspoons before you take DB home for bathtime and bed. If you do feel ready to leave DB at home but your DH isn't doing his share, can you talk to him about it? Because it's really not fair for you to have to keep changing your plans just because he has something he would rather be doing that night. Talk to me. What's going on?"

I think that's good, but I also think she needs to tell her that she finds it annoying when she has to cancel or change her plans to something she'd rather not do. What you've said leaves it open to her friend just saying "Oh I don't mind if our plans change and I have to bring the baby"

YANBU but if I was her and saw this thread and knew how you really felt, I'd not want to meet up with you at all. I struggle to believe you could have had children yourself if you really find her child this dull and boring and feel you don't really care about the child at all. That's a really weird perspective to have if you have had children yourself, and actually like this woman. It sounds like neither of those things are true.

Why can't you go out after you have some baby friendly time with her? I highly doubt she's staying out past 8pm with a 6 month old. Go out after? Surely at least one of all the invites you had to decline for her would still be a possibility last minute?

Her husband definitely sounds like he's constantly getting his own way and she bends her life to him, but you never know - she might just want to be with her baby. I was like that for the first year with mine. She might be making an excuse for her own choice. Or he's selfish.

But either way it does sound like you're struggling to accept her priorities have shifted and it's building resentment. Maybe you're just not compatible at the moment. I'd cool off seeing her and wait for her to reach out to you when baby isn't at the hip. Friendships ebb and flow when everyone starts building families, doesn't mean you won't go back to old times at some point.

I'm sorry @Mollysocks - I'm really laughing at that post! Those green poos.

I'm picturing the scene between your friends and those of @WheelieBinPrincess if they should ever meet up! Hours would be spent chatting yet nothing would ever be discussed

@username1293948

I assume you don’t have children?

I can almost hear you saying this in a haughty, smug voice.

YANBU but if I was her and saw this thread and knew how you really felt, I'd not want to meet up with you at all. I struggle to believe you could have had children yourself if you really find her child this dull and boring and feel you don't really care about the child at all. That's a really weird perspective to have if you have had children yourself, and actually like this woman. It sounds like neither of those things are true.

I have two children and think the evening that the OP describes with her friend sounds unbearable and I wouldn't be doing it twice!

YABU. Unfortunately it's one of those things that you can't really judge on until you have a baby.

The fact she sees you regularly despite living hours away should be enough. If you put pressure on her, she is likely to stop wanting to see you.

Also, I don't understand why having the baby there makes a difference to what conversations you have. Until they reach toddler hood and are watching around etc it's quite easy to take a baby out and still have decent adult conversation.