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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting with DP - AIBU to think I don't have to pay back his mortgage contributions?

157 replies

StepAwayFromGoogling · 11/02/2022 12:00

Shaking while writing so bear with me. Long back story, but me and 'D'P are splitting up - literally as of about 10 minutes ago. We've had a joint mortgage for 8 years. My parents paid the deposit which is protected. I want to stay here with the DCs and can afford to do so. I was assuming we would transfer the mortage into my name and then would somehow (by remortgaging?) release half the increase in value of the property to him. He thinks I will be forced to pay him half of the mortgage contributions from the last 8 years? So he will essentially have lived here for free that whole time? I just said to him 'I don't think that's how it works' and he lost his temper "THAT MONEY IS MINE, YOU'LL FUCKING PAY ME, YOU'LL FUCKING PAY ME EVERYTHING...". I'm scared and shaky but trying to work out if that's true? Because then I can't afford to keep the house.
YABU - yep, you'll have to pay his mortgage contributions back
YANBU - nope, just the increase in value, divided by two

OP posts:
Iamnotamermaid · 11/02/2022 12:39

Give it at least another 24/48 hours for you both to cool off and come to terms with the decision to split. Then speak to a solicitor next week to determine how best to move forward.

But no, YANBU - he does not get his 8 years of contributions 'refunded'. However, as parents the DCs need to be prioritised and you will need discussions on who pays what on top of the house & mortgage.

GreggsDoVitalWork · 11/02/2022 12:40

If he wants his mortgage payments back then he doesn’t get any equity. You don’t get to not pay the mortgage AND take an equity share.

But no, he isn’t entitled to those payments.

Troublesometooth · 11/02/2022 12:40

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Thanks all, what a mess. We have builders starting on Monday to bloody extend the place too. Funded entirely by me/my parents. But that's a whole other thread.
Then get it valued now before the work starts. Accept no further money towards the mortgage from him.

He will get 50% of the house value minus the remaining mortgage; minus your deposit.

If you do this after extending he will benefit from the work that he hasn’t paid a penny towards!

Arabellla · 11/02/2022 12:41

Call the police, get this on their radar.

WutheringTights · 11/02/2022 12:42

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Thanks all, what a mess. We have builders starting on Monday to bloody extend the place too. Funded entirely by me/my parents. But that's a whole other thread.

Might be best to cancel that or you'll be paying him half of the increase in value due to the extension too. Either way I'd get legal advice before starting improvements.

GreggsDoVitalWork · 11/02/2022 12:44

I mean, to be clear, the equity in the property will include his mortgage payments, so he is kinda getting those back. But he doesn’t get half the equity PLUS mortgage payments. They form part of the equity.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 11/02/2022 12:44

Your equity is essentially the return on the investment (house). So he can't keep the profits without actually investing any money, that's not how it works.

He probably knows this but my guess is that he knows you can afford to keep the house without him if you only pay him half the equity and he wants you to be afraid that he's going to take that away. It's a power play.

Agree speak to a solicitor but under no circumstances talk to him about it any more and make sure all your money is somewhere he can't touch it.
He can waste his own money getting his own legal advice (where he will be told he isn't entitled to his mortgage payments back).
He's just trying to rile you up by being spiteful. Google grey rock approach, it may help you.

If you're splitting up, try and get him out asap so the arguements can stop.

Unsure33 · 11/02/2022 12:44

make sure you get a family law solicitor and you should get first hour free.

dootball · 11/02/2022 12:45

After 8 years I would have thought half of the increase in value of house (likely to be somewhere around 40/50% of the original value if it's inline with the national average) and 1/2 the reduction in mortgage owed is likely to be quite a bit more than the payments he has over that time?

MILLYmo0se · 11/02/2022 12:45

I think it may be that you are both using different terms to describe what you envisage happening, if everyone was calm and rational the conversation would probably make more sense and you would both be able to properly explain what you are talking about/mean.
This split has literally just happened, emotions are raw, now is not the time for this conversation, and tbh I dont think ye should necessarily have this conversation together at all until you have both had legal advice and can broach it knowing what the legalities are and both using the same terminology and understanding exactly what they mean.

HangOnToYourself · 11/02/2022 12:46

Agree with others get valuations booked in asap and see if you can delay building work

femfemlicious · 11/02/2022 12:46

Tell him He does kind of get some of the money he put in. As he has been paying the mortgage, the mortgage balance has reduced. Now you are paying him half the increase in value as well as half the amount the morgage has decreased by. Hopefilly that will calm him down till you can get him out.

AndTime · 11/02/2022 12:46

I would put the builders back a few days and get the house valued as is by 3 estate agents or you may find you end up owing him half the raised value created by extending too!

Iggly · 11/02/2022 12:47

What on earth did he think he was paying for Hmm

And who the fuck said YABU

BuanoKubiamVej · 11/02/2022 12:47

You are quite right it's fair to give the increase in value divided by two.

If you were to repay his mortgage contributions and then deduct a fair rent for his accommodation for the last 8 years he would end up owing you more.

He just wants to hurt you in any way he can. You'll get through this.

billy1966 · 11/02/2022 12:48

OP,
If you feel even slightly unsafe, ring 101 and log in your phone number with them.
They will come quickly based on this.

He sounds very aggressive and dim.

Mayorquimby2 · 11/02/2022 12:48

"then get it valued now before the work starts. Accept no further money towards the mortgage from him."

You can't just do shit like this unilaterally.
It's a joint mortgage that's paid 50/50.

It'd be just as much a nonsense of of her came home today and said "piston heads told me to start paying the mortgage on my own so I'm entitled to stay here and I get a bigger share. I'll accept no further contributions from you to the mortgage "

And expect the op to shrug her shoulders and say "ah well, he's made his mind up at to what's happening without any agreement from me, that's that then"

CrinklyCraggy · 11/02/2022 12:49

What is the value of his equity?

Might half of the mortgage payments be a better deal for you?

MaggieFS · 11/02/2022 12:49

Definitely breathe.

And no rash decisions.

Getoff · 11/02/2022 12:49

It sound like he's an idiot. Lots of people are when it comes to financial matters. It's odd that such misconceptions always seem to work out in favour of the person who has them though. (Or, on mumsnet, they always seem to favour the partner with whom most posters are likely to identify.)

harriethoyle · 11/02/2022 12:49

@StepAwayFromGoogling

Thanks all, what a mess. We have builders starting on Monday to bloody extend the place too. Funded entirely by me/my parents. But that's a whole other thread.
I would put this on hold OP as it will increase the value of the house and then you could find yourself in all sorts of rows about what the value should be ie pre extension or point of valuation etc
Aprilx · 11/02/2022 12:49

Some financially illiterate responses on this thread. Of course you need to factor in his past contributions to the mortgage in coming to a financial settlement. Why should your deposit be protected and yet his mortgage payments not be just because they were made in smaller chunks? He has made contributions to paying for this house same as you did when you put a deposit down.

You need to sit down and do some sums as to what is fair, I would suggest you start by working out the equity in the house (current value less mortgage outstanding), take off the protected deposit and split the rest. This would effectively recognise his mortgage payments, but he is not correct to say that you need to calculate and repay all his last mortgage payments as that does not allow for interest nor change in value of the property.

Liverbird77 · 11/02/2022 12:49

Wouldn't it be fairer to sell the house, give the deposit back to your parents and split what's left?

Mayorquimby2 · 11/02/2022 12:50

"And who the fuck said YABU"

🙋‍♂️

Op's assumption of what would happen was completely unfair and looking to fuck him over.

over50andfab · 11/02/2022 12:50

At its most basic a long marriage means all matrimonial assets are joint assets (other than if protected and even then adjustments can be made depending on need).

This is regardless of who paid for what including mortgage and home improvements. The starting point is adding everything up and dividing by 2. Adjustments are then made to enable all parties to move forward with priority given to children of the marriage. This might to might not involve selling the matrimonial home.

This is what I found several years ago when going through the process. In my case I'd paid off the mortgage with an inheritance and his contribution to the house cost was 10%.

First rule of divorce, don't believe what soon-to-be ex tells you, get your own impartial advice. Also check out MCA section 25

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