To think weekends off isn't worth 3 nights away every week?

[maminthesticks]

At loggerheads with partner over whether he takes a new job offer or not, I'm wanting to stay put, he's wanting to go for it on the basis that weekends off is worth the sacrifices

This new role would be every weekend off (he currently works every weekend) but he'd be away for 3 nights a week every week.

Will have 2 (very) young kids and would be moving away completely from my support network I have where we are currently and I just can't imagine being happy with the arrangement

AIBU to think weekends off just isn't good enough to compensate for so much time away every week?

(If seems familiar I had a separate thread last week about general logistics of moving from rural Wales to South England but wanted opinions more specifically on the working arrangement rather than the locations)

What hours does he do at the moment and what will he be doing?
You say he works every weekend but what does he actually do? How many days/hours a week and what will the new shift be?
I wouldn't be keen on my partner being away 3 days every week but if he's home the rest of the time compared to working 6 days a week (for example) it might be worth it.

The weekends in exchange for night would be enough for me but moving away from the support network changes things. How reliant are you on that network, how often do you see them, would you have no contacts in the new area etc? That to me would be more the reason a move isn't going to work.

He does 9-5 every day 5 days a week, currently has two days off but mid week. He can when our first dc is school age have most Sundays off.

He thinks reliably having every weekend off would be good enough, but 3 nights away, he'd be travelling pretty far so wouldn't see him at all in that time, it feels like it is a lot. If it was 1 or 2 I may feel differently but it's a long time for me to cope with a toddler and a newborn alone.

Have very good support system where we live now, parents, very good friends, toddler happily settled in nursery. Have a lot to lose for not much to gain in my opinion but he feels differently.

Why would you need to move if he'd still be working away?

Condition of job was needs to be based in the region he's covering, needs to get to most of the locations within 2 hours in case of emergencies, would be a lot longer from where we live here so not sustainable long term

DH weekly commutes now. Over the years we've had periods of him being away for several months, weekly commuting, away/home with no pattern, and home a lot. All have taken an adjustment. But you get used to it.

One important thing is to make sure its not "boring parent telling us to do and spoiling fun" and "fun parent who does all the great stuff". We sometimes do the fun stuff when he's not around and sometimes he'll tell them to tidy their bedrooms.

I'm not saying its easy. Its horrible when they are ill for example (DH couldn't come home for three weeks after they had a positive Covid test for example. And missed DDs birth by two weeks. He's been away more birthdays etc than he's been home). Sometimes logistically its complicated. But it can be doable for the right job.

He doesn't work away at all at the moment - he's here every morning and night just works in the day time on weekends

Thanks @Aroundtheworldin80moves that must be difficult. He doesn't go away ever really and we're so used to him being here I hate the thought of it changing so drastically. We aren't even going to be any better off for it as housing is so much more expensive. I feel very sad about the whole thing really!

If you’ve got kids who aren’t school age I don’t see the huge benefit in having weekends off (unless you’re working too so don’t see him in the week). It’s not worth moving away from your support network and having 3 nights alone every week no. The sacrifice is worth more than the benefit, especially as the cost of living likely to be much higher too

That sounds like a bad trade

I’d look for something else as there are plenty of jobs where you don’t have to work away
Most men I know who do this do it as an excuse for few days by themselves!

Why doesn’t he look for normal mid week job?

Any financial benefit?

So say you moved to Surrey he’d be away three nights in the week? Where will he be? Will he be put up in hotels? Can’t you stay where you are and he does three nights away as he would if you moved and then works from home for two days?

Is it more money in the new job? Can you still do your job in the new location? Weekends off will be invaluable when the kids start school so longer term it does look worth it.

Your support network is really important.
I wouldn’t want to move away from that. That alone would be a dealbreaker for me.

I guess it also depends on things like salary and career prospects. If you could afford to buy in help or childcare, and/or there are better prospects it might be worth short term pain - the children will quickly grow and life will become easier. I’d also think carefully about your own social supports - it could be quite isolating in a new area with him being away so how would you meet people etc?

There are lots of issues in my opinion - the thought of having to leave our lovely big detached house and huge garden for a shoebox makes me want to cry (we paid just under £250k for it - rightmove for the south was a shock!), having to quit my job and lose my maternity pay, pull toddler out of nursery and move him hours away the same month a newborn due, too much for him to go through at once etc, salary increase minimal and not enough of actually make us any better off once factor in higher costs of living. Lots lots of issues but he thinks weekends off is enough to make it worth it, I just don't. 3 nights away on top of everything else that would change.. I think it's all a bit much for me!

No. I wouldn't do it.

Most jobs get every weekend off and every night. I don't think getting the weekend off "in exchange" for working 3 nights sounds like a good deal at all.

It doesn’t sound like a good deal to me

Maybe your DH is looking for work away to get some free time to himself. He wouldn’t be the first

It clearly doesnt work for the family at all. Why does he want to do it?

@maminthesticks So he’ll still be doing 5 days each week but weekends off? And 3 nights will be spent away? Is there a lot to gain from it as a family? Much more financially secure etc? More quality family time?

I just wanted to reach out as someone who’s DH does work away. It’s difficult. If it’s not something you think you can be happy with then don’t even entertain the idea? My DH works offshore and is 4 weeks on/4 weeks off so for 4 weeks we manage with a 15/20 min FaceTime to our DC before bed. I’m here with DC, I deal with the housework, my work, childcare etc and we have very very little in the way of support locally. It can be very lonely and my days are really long. He then comes home though and has 4 weeks completely off work. He gets SO much quality time with DC during that 4 weeks (much more than any 9-5 working parent gets!), he deals with childcare, has dinner on the table for me coming home, he makes really decent money that is letting us build a (hopefully) stable future for ourselves and our DC, and everyday that I’m off work we have as a family.
He hates being away from DC and I hate him being away but we both love that he gets that quality time with DC and we get it as a family.

He'd work from home Monday, leave Monday night, be away Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and drive back for Thursday night then work from home Friday and have weekend off. He wouldn't be here for bedtime at all midweek as he'd leave before bedtime on Monday and get back after bedtime on Thursday. So only Fri, Sat, Sun. The rest of the week toddler and newborn would be fully down to me. I get that single parents do it and manage, but I'm not a single parent and don't really want to put myself through it by choice!

What does he want to do with the weekends off? You have two young kids so I don't really see how it makes that much of a difference. Are you working OP? Will your DP not having days off during the week result in having to use childcare, because if it does that cost needs to be factored into the move.

If you are a SAHP will he be doing enough childcare/housework to mitigate moving away from your support network?

There are loads and loads of jobs where you don't have to work weekends. I'm confused why he thinks he needs to relocate to get one? Does he work in an incredibly niche field (and yet high paying and therefore impossible to leave)??