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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think weekends off isn't worth 3 nights away every week?

114 replies

maminthesticks · 10/02/2022 19:20

At loggerheads with partner over whether he takes a new job offer or not, I'm wanting to stay put, he's wanting to go for it on the basis that weekends off is worth the sacrifices

This new role would be every weekend off (he currently works every weekend) but he'd be away for 3 nights a week every week.

Will have 2 (very) young kids and would be moving away completely from my support network I have where we are currently and I just can't imagine being happy with the arrangement

AIBU to think weekends off just isn't good enough to compensate for so much time away every week?

(If seems familiar I had a separate thread last week about general logistics of moving from rural Wales to South England but wanted opinions more specifically on the working arrangement rather than the locations)

OP posts:

WutheringHeights66 · 10/02/2022 19:54

Well I wouldn’t give up my job, my house and my support network for any job weekends or otherwise. DH has always known that. He works away three days a week, but pretty much has always worked away since we were early twenties. It’s fine. He’s not away in the for three months a time.

Moving your life and him working away from home is a joke. What’s 8n it for you? A weekend? Woo hoo

ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/02/2022 19:54

Nothing in it for you, at all. DS is 3 and currently waking up at 4am so DH and I are splitting the shit sleep, but there is no opportunity to do this for you. You'd be covering absolutely everything when it came to illness and the difficult behaviour stages.

Put it this way - one of my friends has a 4 and 2 year old with a DH who works away and they are quite close to splitting over it.

OwlNoises101 · 10/02/2022 19:56

Nope. Don't do it. You loose your home, job, support network and the presence of your DP.
Absolutely not. Hard and flat no.

Concestor · 10/02/2022 19:58

It sounds awful! Why does he want to do it when the salary increase isn't much?

My DH before lockdown had to work away 2 days a week and I hated it. I can't see this being any good for you or the children at all.

converseandjeans · 10/02/2022 20:03

Do you think he's trying to get time to himself as if he's away Tues-Thurs he's guaranteed a good night sleep & a lie in. It's quite common for men that are able to work away to up their nights away once a baby arrives.

I think that it's pointless if increased salary has to cover staying away costs.

Do you mean that if you move to new area you can all be together all week? I don't think I would uproot a toddler the same time a newborn was due. You don't know for sure new job will work out. Also you would lose your job & support network. I think I would trade the nights alone for staying put.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2022 20:06

The being away 3 days a week wouldn't bother me. DH worked out of the area and was gone from wee hours Sunday morning 'til Wednesday early evening and the DC and I managed just fine day to day. And I was working full time so had to manage with nursery and school runs on my own.

BUT being in a new area and having to get used to 'the way things are' there AND not having a support system would bother me! I was in a familiar area where I knew where everything was and how things 'ran' and I had my parents and PiLs if I needed help although I very rarely had to use them for anything.

I guess a big question for me would be exactly what does he plan to do on these weekends off?

Original poster

maminthesticks · 10/02/2022 20:06

His big reasons are more opportunities in the South for kids growing up and being around more when they are in school, both valid in a way but the first is counteracted by the fact it's so bloody expensive to live there and the second by the fact he's away so much in the week! We're not rich by any means but for where we live we are comfortable and have a combined salary of £85k which for this part of the world means we are very comfortable and can afford nice house, abroad holidays, nice car, little luxuries etc and don't have constant worry over money. The loss of my salary even temporarily and the extra cost of living would mean we'd be quite significantly worse off. I think we'd be poor in the south, he thinks I'm being overly dramatic but have said he will get quite the shock at how much our standard of living would change. I grew up with parents who were declared bankrupt multiple times, the difference in childhoods my kids can have to that is enough for me to not want to risk doing anything to change it

OP posts:

RealBecca · 10/02/2022 20:08

To clarify...he gets weekends off and you get 3 full days of childcare? With no back up if you are ill because him and the family arent around? Sounds great...for him!

CastleCrasher · 10/02/2022 20:09

In itself the set up is one thing, but combined with moving to a new area (with less space, smaller house etc) and zero support network, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

In your DHs shoes I'd be looking closer to home for a change in job that provides better work life balance of the current job isn't doing that, even if that means taking a bit of a hit financially.

DrWhoNowww · 10/02/2022 20:09

I wouldn’t agree to it, he’s basically opting out of family life in the week in return for mythical family weekends.

If he absolutely must take this job, tell him to get a Monday-Friday let local to the office and he wfh in wales Monday and Friday and commute to local to the office on the Monday night.

Or what is it that he thinks he’s missing out on during the weekends when he’s at work? Do you take DC out on lovely days out that he always misses? Or does he spend the two days a week he has off midweek doing housework/life admin/general shit that means he feels he doesn’t get a “proper” weekend?

Original poster

maminthesticks · 10/02/2022 20:10

Thing is as well I have a very family friendly job where we are which pays well for what it is, I've worked my way up as I don't have any qualifications to fall back on apart from GCSES - pretty worried with their being so much competition for jobs in the South and nothing special on my CV that after taking a few months for unpaid maternity that I could really struggle to actually find anything. Which would be more financial strain. I really don't want to go back to worrying about money all the time!

OP posts:

CastleCrasher · 10/02/2022 20:11

Also, is your childcare currently provided by family? Even if not, make sure to look at the difference in cost for that- it's likely to be considerably more expensive than what you pay now!

Thewoolmill · 10/02/2022 20:12

It would be a no from me. I can see why weekends off would appeal but you’d be doing the lion share of childcare, no support network, an expensive area and you’d have to give up your job. It wouldn’t be as simple as getting another one if for most of the week your husband was away. I’d stay put, tell him to work away in the week and come back to Wales. Why do you need to move if he would be away most of the week?

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2022 20:15

I'd refuse to go op.

Dream job, huge pay rise, increase in standard of living etc maybe. MAYBE.

worse house, no support, brand new baby, toddler in top and barely any difference in income. Not a chance.

Surely two days off in the week if great for childcare when they're younger and you'll have all your mat leave not noticing what those two days are (can you cut nursery in those two days?). Meanwhile he's got months to find something SUITABLE

parrotonthesofa · 10/02/2022 20:17

Sounds like a terrible idea.

If he really had to take the job why couldn't you stay where you are and he come home at weekends?
At least you'd have your support network / nice house that you like / nursery for dc 1 etc.

But it sounds like the best option would be just for him not to change jobs. Is he desperate to do this job? Is it a great opportunity for him?

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 10/02/2022 20:19

YANBU. It's not the right job in my view.

the most important factor - you don't want to move. You shouldn't have to. If ever there's options for a family, that effect more than just one person, then it's a joint decision which means either party can ultimately say no.
giving up your job?! Wouldn't that make you worse off? Now and in the future?
I have three young children. I absolutely wouldn't be happy with my partner leaving me alone to do everything half the week. It would be lonely and bloody hard work.

I think he's crazy to consider it. I would keep looking personally.

Glamping1234 · 10/02/2022 20:20

This does not sound good for you at all! You seem to have massive reasons for not going. You say once your oldest is in school he can have Sundays off too? Surely that will be a major plus.

Do not underestimate how important a support network is. Even if he was getting a bigger salary up rooting from everything you know (and love) is hard and it sounds like you would resent the move. My husband has always worked away offshore and I have needed my mam etc when he has been away.

Shoutingintothewind · 10/02/2022 20:23

@maminthesticks

Condition of job was needs to be based in the region he's covering, needs to get to most of the locations within 2 hours in case of emergencies, would be a lot longer from where we live here so not sustainable long term

But then he's still away overnight, within the region?? This just doesn't make any sense.

Or is the point that on his Monday/Friday WFH days he needs to be able to get to a specific location in his patch in an emergency?

It all sounds bizarre. It's nuts that he's basically suggesting you move hundreds of miles so you can actually see him less....

Original poster

maminthesticks · 10/02/2022 20:23

Toddler goes to paid nursery on the days where my partner and I are both at work, we're all home together then on my partners mid week days off as they are the same as mine (except I get weekends too as I'm part time) he absolutely loves his nursery, it took us 3 different settings before finding one where he was happy, as a covid baby he really struggled but he's come on so well there and is so happy and talks about his friends all the time and I'd absolutely hate to pull him out when he gets so excited to go and has so much fun. He really struggled when we moved in to our current house last year, really really struggled with the adjustment and that was moving half hour down the road to a much nicer house and nothing else changing. The thought of moving him again so soon, and him losing his nursery and little friends, no longer regularly seeing grandparents and then having a newborn arrive and his dad disappear a lot - I think it would just about break him! People keep telling me they are so adaptable when they are young but I think they still have limits of what they can cope with

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/02/2022 20:24

Geez please don't move your DS needs to stay where he is!

Michellexxx · 10/02/2022 20:30

I wouldn't agree to this. Can he just go and stay in the region for 3 nights and you stay where you are, near family?
Do not give up your job/life for his weekends off...

saraclara · 10/02/2022 20:30

Why does he want to do it when the salary increase isn't much?

Having to work every Saturday and ever Sunday is crap. From a social point of view you miss out on loads. Extended family events are almost impossible to arrange to include everyone. Lots of events are on weekends and you miss them all.

Having watched my son in law (and by extension often, my DD) miss out on these things it's something I'd never want to do. And like OP's DH I'd be grabbing opportunities to do something else. I just think he needs to wait a couple of years.

Hexuba · 10/02/2022 20:30

@maminthesticks

Something you've left out from your original post, what is the split between your income? That'll help us understand if you are BUR or not!

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/02/2022 20:30

I can imagine him being away all week and then needing weekends “to relax” because he’s been so busy being away, leaving you with the lions share of work at the weekend too. Such a big change you need to be confident it’ll improve your quality of life, and be comfortable with the impact of the changes on you and the kids. You don’t sound comfortable with it at all and on that basis I’d be saying no.

Cakeandcardio · 10/02/2022 20:30

I wouldn't give up a really strong support network to be alone. No. You sound really sad in your posts. I don't have a strong support network and it's lonely. I miss what I've never had and I have a husband wfh every day who helps with bathtime etc. You would miss what you already have even more. Don't be pushed into sacrificing yourself for this. Have you had the conversation around you not wanting to go? Our weekends off together are pretty boring anyway as DS is so young. How does he imagine weekends will be better than midweek days off? I actually prefer when my DH has a midweek day off and we go out as a family. Everything is quieter and more enjoyable! Your feelings are valid too. Plus it's good for children to have family nearby.

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