To think weekends off isn't worth 3 nights away every week?

[maminthesticks]

At loggerheads with partner over whether he takes a new job offer or not, I'm wanting to stay put, he's wanting to go for it on the basis that weekends off is worth the sacrifices

This new role would be every weekend off (he currently works every weekend) but he'd be away for 3 nights a week every week.

Will have 2 (very) young kids and would be moving away completely from my support network I have where we are currently and I just can't imagine being happy with the arrangement

AIBU to think weekends off just isn't good enough to compensate for so much time away every week?

(If seems familiar I had a separate thread last week about general logistics of moving from rural Wales to South England but wanted opinions more specifically on the working arrangement rather than the locations)

@maminthesticks

Condition of job was needs to be based in the region he's covering, needs to get to most of the locations within 2 hours in case of emergencies, would be a lot longer from where we live here so not sustainable long term

Why does he have to be away three nights a week if he's living in the region he's covering and it's only a two hour drive to get anywhere?

Don’t move away from your support network, you’d be insane to.

Good luck op 💐💐💐

@maminthesticks just seen your update. I wouldn’t do it OP. It doesn’t sound worth it to me at all

I'd rather dh was away 3 nights during the week and had weekends off. But I wouldn't move away from my support network, nor would I give up a job and a big house to move to Surrey. There's too much sacrifice.

That’s 4 nights a week not 3. You’d have probably got more helpful replies if you put more of the info in your OP. I don’t think it sounds worth it with your updates, Relocation with no benefits isn’t worth it.

@UrsulaBursula

It doesn’t sound like a good deal to me

Maybe your DH is looking for work away to get some free time to himself. He wouldn’t be the first

That what my first thought. He will just be around at the weekends. No school / nursery runs, childcare issues. He just gets the relaxed days at home.

Have you spoken to him about nursery runs / sick days / appointments when youve moved and he is working away? Does he expect that to all fall on you?

Is he asking you to completely sacrifice you career, future earning potential and pension? For what in return?

That’d be a shit deal for you.

IMO your DP is being selfish.

If you’re not married don’t quit your job or do anything to compromise your personal earnings that your DP wouldn’t do.

@maminthesticks

There are lots of issues in my opinion - the thought of having to leave our lovely big detached house and huge garden for a shoebox makes me want to cry (we paid just under £250k for it - rightmove for the south was a shock!), having to quit my job and lose my maternity pay, pull toddler out of nursery and move him hours away the same month a newborn due, too much for him to go through at once etc, salary increase minimal and not enough of actually make us any better off once factor in higher costs of living. Lots lots of issues but he thinks weekends off is enough to make it worth it, I just don't. 3 nights away on top of everything else that would change.. I think it's all a bit much for me!

Just saw this update, he's nuts and totally not thinking about what's right for the family. Have a look at nursery fees in the south east if you want even more of a shock.

Like fuck would I be agreeing to that! Moving you away from your family and everything so he can have weekends off? Which he'll no doubt spend cycling or playing golf or sitting in a pub but is spinning to you as the potential for wonderful family time. Nope.

There is absolutely nothing in it for you

@WorriedGiraffe

That’s 4 nights a week not 3. You’d have probably got more helpful replies if you put more of the info in your OP. I don’t think it sounds worth it with your updates, Relocation with no benefits isn’t worth it.

Leaves Monday evening so away Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday night. He gets home Thursday night but probably not until after kids in bed so 3 nights really but would be 4 in kids eyes!

Yes sorry to whoever said it sounds like a million drip feeds but tried to word it in the way it was about the nights away specificallly as that's what it all comes down to in his eyes. He acknowledges all the other issues but keeps saying weekends will be so important when kids in school. So wanted opinions on that aspect. Sorry if made it confusing!

Him even arguing for this set up would make me question the whole relationship.

I think you need to look at the finances of it as well, it slides alot of pressure to you even though you get weekends. His current set up of 2 days (and sundays) when the kids start school to me would actually be better they get Dad taking them in and picking them up 2 days and its that time that I think is better

Absolutely no way. Your DC aren't as school so week days off is actually better plus being around mornings and evenings.

He seems to want to opt out of family life

He acknowledges all the other issues but keeps saying weekends will be so important when kids in school
Schooling is important for children. Children need support through school. He just wants fun down time. Tell him he is their father, not their uncle.

Fuck that for a game of soliders!

Tell him that he can take the job and be divorced. And look up jobs where you can be ‘away’ four nights a week.

Cheeky fucker

@maminthesticks

He'd work from home Monday, leave Monday night, be away Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and drive back for Thursday night then work from home Friday and have weekend off. He wouldn't be here for bedtime at all midweek as he'd leave before bedtime on Monday and get back after bedtime on Thursday. So only Fri, Sat, Sun. The rest of the week toddler and newborn would be fully down to me. I get that single parents do it and manage, but I'm not a single parent and don't really want to put myself through it by choice!

I absolutely would NOT do it, based on what's in this post. Even if it was in the same area, all midweek on your own with a toddler and a newborn would be a big ask to justify.

Can you not simply explain your reasons and say no? My DH and I have moved around a lot including overseas, and our rule was that each of us had a veto on any job moves we weren't happy with. We would discuss it at length but at the end of the day both partners need to be happy with a big change like that.

If your kids were older I'd say it's worth it. My son in law has to work every weekend day and has two days off midweek, and I do wonder what family life will be like once my DGD starts school. And yes, it's more well paid than anything else he could get with his limited qualifications.

But with a toddler and a new baby in a new location, the timing all seems wrong. Is this a promotion within his present company? Is it something that might still be available if he delays for a couple of years?

This isn’t a fair deal at all. Can you cost out everything, including new house, nursery fees, commuting costs, accommodation costs etc. to compare? Maybe seeing it side by side will show it doesn’t make any sense.

Hard no from me. I'd divorce before agreeing to that. My husband works Saturdays, we both have Sunday off. It's perfectly do-able and I don't think anyone feels hard done by (kids 10 and 14, husbands always worked Saturdays).

No way!
You'll lose your support network and cost of living is ridiculous in the south.

Don't mean to make him sound bad, not the sort of dad to deliberately try and get away or not be around on weekends, if he's not at work he's at home constantly, gets up with toddler every morning, spends all time off or leave with them, he's very hands on and everything has always been very 50/50 which is partly why I'm so scared I can't imagine coping with a newborn alone. I'm crap when I'm tired so he did more than his fair share of night feeds and gets up every morning, I wouldn't get the luxury this time around! He's just always worried about working weekends, of course there are lots of jobs where you don't work weekends but he has experience in this one area and where we live in rural Wales there aren't loads of jobs around, especially ones that pay over £60k, he's been interested in leaving his industry for years but it would always be such a big pay cut that we power through, and then got told can have Sundays once kids school age so figured that was good enough. I think he's just latched on to the thought of weekends suddenly being an option when they normally aren't.

So he wants you all to move away from your home, family, friends, nursery and job, while he would work away from the new home 3 full days and nights just so he can have weekends off?
So basically turn your life upside down completly so he can have two different days off in the week?

What exactly does he think he'll be able to do on those days off that he can't do now? It's not like he'll have family and friends around to see?
This sounds very suspicious. Does he do child care on his days off, is he hoping that having the same days off as you will free him up to do his own thing?

You have a couple of years before the kids are in school, an opportunity may present itself in that time which doesn’t mean you losing your job, and mat pay, leaving your support system and downsizing your house - there’s no plus side to this for you at all. I’d be saying no.

You'd be better not moving and him working away five days instead of three. At least then he'd have weekends off with you, and you'd still have your local support network during the week. I would be saying that and insisting that even if he took the job, the family home stays put.