To think weekends off isn't worth 3 nights away every week?

[maminthesticks]

At loggerheads with partner over whether he takes a new job offer or not, I'm wanting to stay put, he's wanting to go for it on the basis that weekends off is worth the sacrifices

This new role would be every weekend off (he currently works every weekend) but he'd be away for 3 nights a week every week.

Will have 2 (very) young kids and would be moving away completely from my support network I have where we are currently and I just can't imagine being happy with the arrangement

AIBU to think weekends off just isn't good enough to compensate for so much time away every week?

(If seems familiar I had a separate thread last week about general logistics of moving from rural Wales to South England but wanted opinions more specifically on the working arrangement rather than the locations)

"Have a lot to lose for not much to gain in my opinion but he feels differently"

With kindness herein lies yr problem Op. I suspect the one earning the money to support the family, all things considered, wants to move for work and personal betterment. If you want to stay put and retain your betterment, you need to be able to fund that largely yourself. You cannot preclude him no more than he can preclude you.

You refer to a support network. A support network should not impede on the decisions on your own whole family life. Your family life decisions seem based solely on your own personal circs. With kindness it looks like you rely heavily on others in your family.

Less reliance on others, will free you to consider your partners work choices, your own work opportunities and possible new independent future with your DP and children as a family somewhere new.

Absolutely do not move for this man. I did that once in similar circumstances to you. Bitterly regret it. Being happy where you live is so important for quality of life.

It does sound like a shite deal for you, and the kids.

I don't rely lots on others just have grandparents that live locally and are very involved, they don't provide childcare but my mum will come on days out with us a lots and they are very close. Same for I have lots of great friends some with similar age kids and some who are also pregnant. Got neighbours who are lovely and pop over with kids for a cuppa. It's just nice, I have lots of people around me which is what I mean by support system. No one provides childcare (bar a random day or night here and there) over than my partner, me or nursery. Maybe I'm using the term support system wrong.

But yes my partner is the higher earner by a long shot admittedly.

Don’t move he’s unreasonable he needs to wait for a better more local job.

Equally can you get a better paid job to greater share the load?

"There are lots of issues in my opinion - the thought of having to leave our lovely big detached house and huge garden for a shoebox makes me want to cry (we paid just under £250k for it - rightmove for the south was a shock!), having to quit my job and lose my maternity pay, pull toddler out of nursery and move him hours away the same month a newborn due, too much for him to go through at once etc".

With kindness Op i think the obstacles here are yours. Largely centred around your own fears. Do you have someone impartial to talk to?

Sorry if I've missed this but if's he's going to be away for 3 nights a week would it not be possible to stay where you are (so you keep your job/ support network etc) and he works away for 3/4 nights a week?

Why do you have to move so he can still not be there most of the time?

An absolute no from me.
Don't uproot yourself from your support and your own job for what honestly sounds like a risky crazy idea from your DH
In your shoes I'd still try to appear like I was 'thinking' while making pro v con and expenditure lists so he can see in black and white - in the hope that it will dawn on him that he's batshit!
If not then I'm afraid I'd be telling him that I was staying put.
If it was a role where you didn't uproot and stayed where you were but he went away a few days a week then yeah as a compromise I'd try that out.

I don’t understand why you can’t stay where you are and he get digs in the south east?
Monday wfh then drive to SE
Tues/weds/thurs away in hotel
Drive back to Wales Thursday night or Friday am, wfh Friday

That way you get your support network

OP I agee with you. That support network is really important.

Can he not negotiate that he does the Monday and Friday from your current home and the rest he travels as planned. Without anyone moving?

This is a completely terrible suggestion. It'd actually be better for you all if he got a worse paid job that didn't include weekend working. So why not just focus on getting any job (even if not better paid) that doesn't include weekends? I'd point blank refuse to this proposed set up, it makes no sense at all.

My husband and I have a similar set up and I find it works ok, BUT in his line of work there isn't really a more family friendly option, and if there was we would probably take it.

Also we moved to our current home whilst I was pregnant with our first, so we had some time to get out and about making friends and putting down roots. So now my children are here, although I technically have no support network from family and old friends, I do know enough people here that I can call someone in a childcare emergency and, perhaps more importantly, I can meet up with my other friends who have similar aged DC which makes the whole thing much more pleasant. Bad days when you're alone with the kids never seem quite so bad when you have a friend to vent to.

God absolutely not!
With such young children he wants to stay away 3 nights a week?
Why does he want weekends off so bad if you get time off together during the week anyway?
Everything is quieter during the week if you want to go out etc.

So the proposal is:

1. Move away from where your boys are settled
2. Move to an area where you either have to have a higher mortgage or a smaller house or a higher mortgage and a smaller house
3. Move somewhere where you lose your job and therefore overall you decrease the family income in spite of his pay rise
4. Move away from your family and friends who you don't currently rely on because your partner isn't working away but would need to because he would be working away and then wouldn't be able to.
5. Switch having 2 days off per week together and 2 where you are on your own, for 5 days on your own including 4 evenings and 2 together.

How anyone could conclude this was a good idea is beyond me!

Stay put.

This is a terrible idea.

My DH is not here 4 nights a week every other week. We have no family nearby so when he's away, it ALL falls on me, with no backup, no matter what else I have going on myself or with my own job.

I need to do ridiculous nurseries (plural) pick-ups from 4pm, then home, dinner while juggling two hungry cross tiny people. Then bedtimes, alone. Then I'm stuck in the house. Can't nip out to get milk, can't talk to friends on the phone in case I wake DC. Can't do anything for myself. Just stuck.

You think you rely on your support system now, but you will need them SO SO much more when your baby is here.

Do not isolate yourself in a new place, with no support, a new baby, a disrupted toddler, a tiny house that you're stuck in, and a DH who is missing half the week, all so your DH can have two different days off.

This is utter madness. Your DH is being horribly selfish. You only get negatives with this. Why would he even think this is reasonable? Especially because in a year or two he'll have Sundays off.

Dreadful idea.

This is crazy. There are more than 2 jobs in the world available to.him. why does he think he has to stay where he is and work weekends, or uproot you all to a highly expensive place to.lige and fuck off for 3 nights a week.
Your dc are still small, it makes no difference to them whether he's home at weekends or in the week. You have years to sort this out, why the hell are you (as a family) giving this job any consideration at all?

I know there are many factors to take into account but I have to say I think your DH is being a bit selfish. To move away from your family and support network is a major upheaval, especially as you will be alone with two little kids 3 nights a week. My DH travels with work and can be gone a week or two at a time. I hate it. It can be very stressful if kids are sick etc, and it’s lonely when you’re used to having their company every evening.

If it’s no advantage financially, I just can’t see the justification of the move simply so DH can have weekends off?! I really feel sorry for you. It’s a crap position to be in with your DH. Is there any way he can alter his hours in his current job?

Just reading some more posts. You are self-sufficient. You are using the term 'support network' correctly and if that means having your mum on days out with you, then that's fine. You are lucky! Not too reliant on people. In addition, don't believe the nonsense that because he earns more, he's entitled to strong arm you into doing what he wants. His money should be family money and everyone should be happy!! Is he maybe autistic and is fixated on this idea of weekends off and can't stop thinking about it? Or did he have weekends off before DC and doesn't realise they would be different than they were before?

3 nights away for weekends, good deal. Uprooting you from your support network with young DC, giving up your job and all that entails. Hell no. Too much sacrifice on your part. HE thinks the weekends are the clincher here because for HIM it is an improvement. But it is not ENOUGH of a plus for you to counteract all of the other negatives. Not unless it came with a HUGE freaking salary as well.

So the points are:
No extra days with DC currently than what he currently is
1 extra day a week in a few years time
Smaller house
Less disposable cash
Less family contacts/ emergency care
You losing a job
Losing current maternity pay
You becoming a solo parent for 4 nights /3 days a week
DS being uprooted from his current setting, only to have EVERYTHING change- in one move, he will lose his nurser workers, his grandparents, and his dad for 4 bedtimes a week.

All of that, for 1 extra day a week with DS in a few years time?

You need to write down all of those negatives and tell him to come up with a few more positives for the full family, as it sounds like a completely selfish decision from the outside.

He wants weekends because he hates the thought of (when the time comes) spending his days off with the kids in school most of the day and then when they are with me on weekends him being stuck in the office that's all, he doesn't go out drinking with mates or have hobbies he swans off to if that's the impression people are getting it's all about time with the kids, and we do have time before that's an issue but it's just the fact he's worried another opportunity wouldn't come up beforehand. He thinks that he will get more quality time with kids if he's home on weekends as we can do more in that time then he could in the mornings/evenings he'd miss being away. I do get it from that aspect but just feel we're giving up more than we are gaining. I've said I'm not comfortable at this point and he's said that's fine, he doesn't disagree about living costs being too high, or that toddler will be unsettled or that quitting my job when heavily pregnant is risky etc he has acknowledged every issue and on that basis said he is happy to turn it down, but I know he does believe he gets more quality time with kids in this role so I guess I wanted to make sure I'm being fair to him rather than just shutting it down if it perhaps was worth it. I think he's so convinced he's going to miss out on so much down the line that he's panicking and considering a job that isn't actually a good enough offer really. Almost a resounding agreement that it isn't however, so I think that answers that. I think when the time comes and kids are school age and he gets Sundays off in his current job like has been agreed with directors he will realise that it's better to have that, and every morning and evening then it would be to lose so much.

It might not be quality time the same, but I'm pretty sure most kids will have a closer relationship with the parent who puts them to bed every night, and is there to pick them up from school and ask them how has their day being, did they play with xx on the playground. That is honestly the time that matters. It's brilliant to have both, and I've worked weekends before for a large portion of my eldest childhood- it sucks. Really sucks. But you miss out on so much of their lives when you don't do the day to day stuff. I could never work away regularly.

No. Stand your ground OP. You might not have had to do this before but you need to fight your corner - and that of your children. If he can't see why it will be a bad move for you and the DC in so many ways then I am afraid you have a DH problem. If he keeps on insisting then I would be questioning the relationship. And if things started to go wrong between you, you'd be stuck with no job and no support. Once the kids start school it will be hard to move back to Wales. And if you split up then you might not be able to take the kids 'back home' to Wales so easily as it would be too far from their Dad. Then you'd be stuck down there as a single parent. Sorry to be glum but it needs considering. Frankly, you're the one looking after the kids most of the time so you should get a big say in what you need to be able to do that (decent house and garden, same nursery DC is happy at, DC friends, your friends and family etc).

No. Stay near your support network.