To think weekends off isn't worth 3 nights away every week?

[maminthesticks]

At loggerheads with partner over whether he takes a new job offer or not, I'm wanting to stay put, he's wanting to go for it on the basis that weekends off is worth the sacrifices

This new role would be every weekend off (he currently works every weekend) but he'd be away for 3 nights a week every week.

Will have 2 (very) young kids and would be moving away completely from my support network I have where we are currently and I just can't imagine being happy with the arrangement

AIBU to think weekends off just isn't good enough to compensate for so much time away every week?

(If seems familiar I had a separate thread last week about general logistics of moving from rural Wales to South England but wanted opinions more specifically on the working arrangement rather than the locations)

@maminthesticks

It sounds as if your life situation now vis a vis area and support is currently pretty much as mine was when DH worked out of town. Childcare , income, family support, and social contacts are all 'there' for us. It was just that DH was now gone part of the week. Your DH wants you to give it all up so he can have weekends off rather than 2 weekdays off. Not a change from unsociable hours or split days off. Just two 'different' days off. Does he have no idea of how many people never get weekends off?

In exchange you give up your job making you dependent on him financially and the family poorer, give up your support circle (parents, etc), move to an area where you will have to 'create' a new social circle as well as new care providers (Dr, dentist, etc), new childcare/nursery with no local friends to recommend. All so he can be off work Sat and Sun.

In your situation, no, I wouldn't want to move. There is just no incentive for the whole family in this, only for him. And all for two different days off a month? He has plenty of time with the DC on his weekdays off and when they start school he still will have time. Many parents aren't able to be with their children on weekends either due to workdays or child access arrangements. I think your DH needs to look harder in your area or possibly widen his 'commute area' to encompass more places.

The reason my DH took his out of town job is because he lost his job in our area and there were no other jobs in his field locally. Rather than disrupt the family he rented a room and stayed near where he worked. We were hoping the job situation where we were living would get better. After 2.5 years we decided to move where he worked. But we'd had a chance to get to know the area and like it better than where we were living. By then we'd made a few local friends and DH had a local doctor and dentist. I also had a job that allowed me to transfer to an office nearby. So when we relocated, I didn't give up 'everything' and have to start over from scratch. My parents ended up relocating to be near us about two years later as my dad's health was failing.

I think you're right to be worried. But you don't sound worried enough about the fact you'd be leaving your job. There are no certainties in life, and certainly not in marriage. Don't disadvantage yourself financially (think LONG TERM - pension, NI, changes in circumstance e.g. divorce), especially not for a set up that won't even make you happy short term, and will take you away from your friends and family.

The onus should be on your husband to explain why this is even remotely a good idea.

Why does he have to wait til your kids are school age to get sundays off? That is really random!

Maybe he should tell these directors that he has a new job offer and see if they can move rotas around enough to keep him. Recruiting new staff is such a pain that it’s definitely worth a try. Of course they could say no which could be awkward if he doesn’t take the new job

And absolutely no way should you leave your life behind for this job. It would have to be a massive salary increase for it to be worth that level of disruption to all of you. Not you being stuck completely alone in a new area, no job of your own, no family or friends nearby. Fuck that!

Hi OP,
I would urge you not to move for your partner to take this job.
The way I see it:

Pros:
Weekends off
Your partner seems to want to take it - pleasing him

Cons:
Losing the support of family and friends
Your child moving nursery
You/your children losing your lovely home and garden for a small home that you feel disappointed to move to.
Losing your job
Being alone all midweek as partner away in addition to no friends and family
Being stuck at home/alone with two small children. I think it would be almost impossible for you to hold down a job completely alone (no local family or friends as well as no partner). No one to help cover childcare for sick children. I think my 4 year olds attendance at nursery is running at about 50% this year with sickness. If I had to be off work every time I was off I would have lost my job or at least had to take unpaid parental leave. For 2 children a day's nursery in the south would be over £100 I would think. No one to help with drop offs or pick ups.
Worse off financially - if you lose your job and are unable to work I'm guessing you will be around 20K down. Your partner will be getting paid more but it isn't enough to maintain your lifestyle. If it was you would be looking for large houses with gardens in the south also. You have stated you are worried about keeping up your lifestyle in other ways such as holidays.
If you can't afford a bigger place in time you will eventually have 2 teenagers and then young adults living in your "shoebox". If you can't afford to move up the ladder you might want to relocate "home" meaning the children have to leave their friends/schools in the south. As young adults your children will struggle to buy even a shoebox unless they are extremely lucky. They will quite possible have to live at home/rent forever or re-locate.

I would urge your partner to look for a job that he likes the look of/likes the hours close to home. It sounds like he earns 60-65K but I guess (from your description of your house price and lifestyle) you could manage if his salary were to drop to 25-30K. If he halves his salary he will not halve his take home pay due to the steps in the tax system e.g. first 12k tax free. You would also become entitled to child benefit. I think you would have a much nicer lifestyle staying put and accepting a drop in your husbands wages - perhaps making a few sacrifices like foreign holidays, which if you move to the south you might have to sarifice anyway due to the higher cost of living.

(from Salary calc website but no pension/student loan etc)
On 60K take home of £3620
on 30K take home of £2003
plus an extra £140 odd in child benefit for 2 children
= £2143

If your husband can get Sundays off when your children are older any chance he can negotiate Sundays/weekends off for a proportionate drop in pay? (he is probably paid an incentive for weekend work and if he won't do it someone else would need to be paid the incentive e.g. time and a half or double time.)

If he really wants to take the job I think it would be better for you if he lodges away Mon-Fri. I think it's better for you to be without him Mon/Fri than without anyone at all and leaving everything behind to see him an extra day or two. But it sounds like it would end badly as you would get sick of caring for your family alone while he spends a fortune on commuting and lodgings.

Whatever you decide OP - good luck.

Don't be sad. Just don't do it. If you do, you will certainly regret it.

You need to be firm, your dh is thinking clearly.

Yes, other people cope with this kind of set up but that doesn't mean you would. I wouldn't.

Resolve not to be coerced into giving up your job, home and settled environment for your toddler and the weight will lift from your shoulders.

Doesn't seem fair to you , you get 3 nights of having to look after too young ones on your own
Whilst They arE still young weekends don't matter , when at school yes but maybe another job will turn up by then
just doesn't seem worth it at this moment in fime

If hes staying away most of the week and wfh the other days why do you have to move ? Can he not speak to them and explain thats a bot of a dealbraker

If you do decide to go could you rent for the first 6 months so if you hate it you have options to go backto

I don't see how there's any benefit in this at all for you. By the time he gets home (presumably late) on a Thursday evening, you'll be in no position to enjoy these amazing weekends off he's so desperate for. And asking you to leave your job AND your support network seems massive selfish and lacking in insight TBH.

This sounds like a rubbish plan. Is he a hands on dad? Does he know how much energy babies take?
I would not move. He has another 2 or so years to find a different job with weekends off for when your toddler starts school.
What is it that he can’t do on his midweek days off that he could at weekends?

Is there any career benefit to the job change? Is it a promotion or valuable experience? If that was the case then I would let him go, but stay where I was. If it's just a lifestyle choice, it sounds as though it wouldn't work for the family, so no.

I wouldn’t with the dc so young, I couldn’t cope without dh coming home at night and would absolutely refuse this unless it provided enough extra money to fund 3 hours home help every evening he was away, which it doesn’t. Nothing about being home weekends would balance that out for me when they are that age unless i got to sleep and take the whole weekend for myself while he solo parented, and that’s not possible if you’re breastfeeding.

There are too many negatives to make this change viable. The only benefits are to him, just having w/e's off. However, I think he's being crafty and putting the wrong spin on it on purpose, he actually wants to work away 3 days/nights a week?
I think you need to do your research and write a list of pro's and con's and present that to him with a big fat no.

DH has lived in Scotland 18 years mainly Mon-Friday. We are in the UK. He's away a lot too. I stayed home where my family are. Kids miss their dad but they have family around them. Although I've not known any different so it's easier.