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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to borrow some money?

158 replies

dogaibu · 10/02/2022 19:01

Feel like I might BU but I want to check.

My dad died in Feb 21 and I received an inheritance of around 20k. Since then, it appears I've been footing yhr bill for everything. I have Ds11 and he has dss9 and dss12 and it seems that every time they need anything- clothes, bedding, computer games, anything at all- I've been paying for it. We have a dog and a cat and the cat had cancer recently- I footed the entire £1,000 bill.

The house desperately needs painting, the carpet needs shampooing, the deck outside needs power washing, the boys need some new bedroom furniture. It's looking like I'm to foot the entire bill again.

Dh has very little spare money as he pays nearly £450 a month for his Dc, child maintenance, our rent is also pretty high. I obviously have more money than him due to my inheritance but AIBU to ask him to either get a bank loan or use his credit card to pay half of all these household expenses?

OP posts:

Electriq · 11/02/2022 12:38

OP, Put the money away that will be for your DC and then say the inheritance is gone.

ivykaty44 · 11/02/2022 12:42

I resent paying for EVERYTHING. I want to keep some of the money aside for my ds.

then put some money aside in a savings account that you can't touch and don't spend it.

endlesssighing · 11/02/2022 12:44

@fucknuckle

my charmer of an ex-husband forced me into £22k debt as he refused to consider our joint income as family money. he earned 5 x my salary. are you not a family? extra expenses such as video games etc need to be discussed and budgeted for or they don’t happen. you don’t have to piss £20k away on frivolous spending, but you really need to think about whether you see this money as ‘yours’ and are genuinely expecting your husband to go into debt while you have money in the bank.

having been on the other side of this, i can say definitively that it contributed to breakdown of our marriage and subsequent divorce. in the end i had to get legal action taken to force him to buy me out of our house and i managed to pay my debts off. not a pleasant experience.

Of course they're a family. But this isn't joint income this is HER inheritance, half of which seems to have been frittered on the family.

But she is not unreasonable to want to reserve late father's inheritance for her children as opposed to spending it on computer games for her step children whilst their dad contributes naff all.

She's not inherited hundreds of thousands of pounds, she's inherited 45, half of which has gone, again, on the ENTIRE FAMILY.

The rest should go into trust for her children that she could access if needed. She's not a money pit that absolves her husband of financial obligation to her own children.

If they break up what? She's lost everything her Dad left to provide things for her step kids? Bollocks to that. She should be protecting her interest with what little remains.

endlesssighing · 11/02/2022 12:52

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

It's a terrible idea to use debt to pay for day to day expenses. You need to sit down together and look at your income and outgoings, and see what you can afford and what you need to cut.

I appreciate you want to keep some of your inheritance as savings for your DS.

Also this.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

You've treated the children from the inheritance (I would have at the outset said - 'I want to treat the kids each to £500 or a family holiday somewhere really nice or whatever, £2000 on the house but once it's gone it's gone.' That money NEEDS investing in something substantial. A house deposit, an investment account etc. Don't just spend it on every day things, you'll kick yourself in ten years.

The kids need new bedroom furniture? Buy it from Facebook Marketplace once you've saved up for it or come up with a payment plan that uses the inheritance money but YOU BOTH pay it back.

It seems that you want to buy an entirely matching new set.... don't do that. It's a false economy, especially when you're the one footing the entire bill.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 11/02/2022 13:13

*You've lost a grand a month of income in there - isn't it £3400 net between them?

If he's paying £450 a month in maintenance (and presumably he has shared care as well) then he (you) shouldn't need to be paying for anything else for them (except food etc while they're with you). If he has the money spare then fair enough, contribute towards school uniforms etc, but it doesn't sound like he does have money to spare at the end of the month.

But most importantly, you need to sit down together and make a budget plan between you.*

Yes I think this poster lost 1k. £3,400 combined income. £2,400 after rent. £1950 after child maintenance. The issue may well be a budgeting one. How is nearly 2k not enough to live off for an adult, 1 child and 2 children which are with them less than half the week? There should be no need to dip into inheritance if they don't want to.

endlesssighing · 11/02/2022 16:06

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

*You've lost a grand a month of income in there - isn't it £3400 net between them?

But most importantly, you need to sit down together and make a budget plan between you.*

He’s not lavishing them in golden robes. He should provide clothing and things for them to do at his house.

Why shouldn’t he buy computer games etc? £450 a month does not provide EVERY need for a child. He should provide for them the time he’s with them.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/02/2022 14:11

@TakeYourFinalPosition

So if you amalgamate the information from your threads; you had a £45k inheritance. You earn £21k, and he earns £29k. Your rent is £1,000 a month; and he pays £450 a month in maintenance.

So he's taking home around £1,900 a month; and you take home around £1,500; so £2,400 all together. Rent takes that down to £1,400; his maintenance to £950.

What other costs do you have that are using that?

Has the missing £25k gone on a house deposit; or has that already been spent on other things, and you're trying to protect the remaining £20k?

If it has gone on a house deposit, is the painting/carpet cleaning for the new house, or to make the current one look better before you move out? To be honest, either of you could easily clean the carpets, and I'm not sure you'll need to paint the house unless you've caused a lot of damage to the paintwork - in which case it might be possible to touch it up?

I thought the inheritance was 20k not 45k. Have I missed something ?

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 13/02/2022 16:34

*He’s not lavishing them in golden robes. He should provide clothing and things for them to do at his house.

Why shouldn’t he buy computer games etc? £450 a month does not provide EVERY need for a child. He should provide for them the time he’s with them.*

I'm not sure if you meant to quote me as that doesn't appear to relate to my post? If you did mean to quote me does it relate to my saying that they have 2 children with him half the week? The implication clearly is that he pays for their needs half the week in addition to the £450. 2K way more than enough for half of 2 children's needs and the full needs of 2 adults and 1 other child (inc clothes and computer games). Most families are living off a lot less than that.

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