To ask him to borrow some money?

[dogaibu]

Feel like I might BU but I want to check.

My dad died in Feb 21 and I received an inheritance of around 20k. Since then, it appears I've been footing yhr bill for everything. I have Ds11 and he has dss9 and dss12 and it seems that every time they need anything- clothes, bedding, computer games, anything at all- I've been paying for it. We have a dog and a cat and the cat had cancer recently- I footed the entire £1,000 bill.

The house desperately needs painting, the carpet needs shampooing, the deck outside needs power washing, the boys need some new bedroom furniture. It's looking like I'm to foot the entire bill again.

Dh has very little spare money as he pays nearly £450 a month for his Dc, child maintenance, our rent is also pretty high. I obviously have more money than him due to my inheritance but AIBU to ask him to either get a bank loan or use his credit card to pay half of all these household expenses?

Get that money in an account that can't be touched for 2year whilst you figure out what you want to do with it and get yourselves back on your feet in terms of spending.
Set up insurance for the cat.

Or you will have nothing left this time next year and you'll massively resent your dh.

@OnaBegonia

You shouldn't be buying for his D.C., they have two parents to do that.

This 100%.

@Rosscameasdoody

* Silvershroud Why not use the 20k towards a deposit and buy a house? A mortgage is cheaper than renting.*

Repairs aren’t, though. If they can’t afford to clean the carpets without dipping into a one-off inheritance, what happens when the roof blows off or the boiler conks out?

They would contact the landlord to deal with it.

Not if they're buying which is the suggestion

I'm afraid I have to take a different line ot other posters and say that OP, your inheritance is YOUR money - not your husbands. Wages, benefits etc are all joint money but inheritance was meant for YOU.

I've been where you are. He will slacken off and expect you to pay for everything, then when all the money is gone, he will sulk. He won't be grateful.

Please please ringfence this money that was left to you, and your father probably worked very hard for it to leave it to you. Your DH'd maintenance payments are his own problem - he brought his children from a previous relationship into the world and he should pay - not you.

If you foot the bill for his share of household costs, what will happen when your inheritance runs out - will he suddenly step up? No, he won't.
He needs to get sorted now and if he can't pay his share he needs to get a better job or do some self-employed work on top.
That inheritance will be pissed up the wall in three years and you will look back and think "What have I done? That's was Dad'd money meant for me!"
I could be wrong, but it happened to me, and my DH had always been great with money, but he saw the inheritance and suddenly, he expected me to pay for everything until it was gone.

There’s a lot going on in your post.

You shouldn’t be using your savings (inheritance) to pay for day your day things for DSC.

Your landlord should be responsible for repairs and maintenance (including decorating) to the house.

Most of all, your household budget should cover everyday spending without needing to go into debt. I can’t believe you think that’s a good idea!

If you want to save for your DS, lock some money away in a bank account for him.

Then have a sensible discussion about day to day spending.

Do you work?

Put some/all the money in a hard-to-access savings acc for your DCs and then it won't be up for discussion? YABU to ask him to go into debt though. Defo sounds like you both need a chat about finances. Blended families are hard so I feel for you

@dogaibu

I resent paying for EVERYTHING. I want to keep some of the money aside for my ds.

Tbh you shouldn't have got married then, did you ring fence any funds for your child?

Also OP - The house needs painting, the deck needs power washing and the carpets need shampooing? I do all that myself and I am an old woman - so your husband can do it! It costs hardly any money - just labour.

@RedskyThisNight

So who paid for things before you had your inheritance?

I'm interested, like several others on here to know this. Op seems coy to help us out with any answers. As for the dss I take they have a mother to facilitate their requiremnets at home, so why have you paid for the non essential computer stuff ?

Your husband pays £450 a month, that's for maintenance, so why is he paying for all this extra stuff?

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Your husband pays £450 a month, that's for maintenance, so why is he paying for all this extra stuff?

Because he still has to clothe and entertain his children when it's his contact time ffs. What kind of question is this?!

Can't be doing with all this his and hers money. If you want some of the inheritance for ds put it in a trust and then the rest in the family pot.

I wouldn't expect him to use credit cards or get a loan but I would expect him to contribute from his normal wages.

Surely he must have been contributing before you inherited?

YANBU. Your dad didn't leave you money so you could buy clothes and computer games for your stepkids!

Put the money away in an Isa or something where you can't touch it.

So he's bringing home around £1950.00, what I suggest you do, is put some of that money away in a savings account for your son and decide what needs doing first. Ask the carpet company if they have 'off cuts', they will have reels of cheaper carpet that's been left over from other bigger jobs, this will be cheaper.
Can you not paint the house yourselves.
And STOP paying for DSS's, it's his and his ex partners job to pay for them, your dad left the money to you not them.

Do you work?

I agree with PPs that the money is shared and the things you are spending it on are reasonable. Reframe your thinking. When I received a similar inheritance. I got a lot of pleasure seeing how far it could go to redecorate the house, renovate the garden, buiy some new things for DC, and give us a few family treats - a holiday and a couple of nights out as a family.

I totally appreciate you want to set some aside for your DC - why not set up an ISA for each of them with a grand in. And I think you should spend a grand on yourself too. Something that will have a big impact on your life or happiness. I spent a grand of my inheritance on a personal trainer and it transformed my life. I now work out regularly,. before I was very overweight.

So deduct the ISAs and a grand for you from what's left and I would definitely also give your DH a treat too, then spend the rest as it is needed and thank you dad for giving you that financial break so you don;t feel ill with worry when the vet bill comes in etc.

Painting,carpet cleaning and jet washing the deck can be jobs for your DH to do.

Borrow or hire a carpet cleaner;borrow a pressure washer or alternatively you can pick up second hand ones off eBay etc but absolutely don't pay for labour when your DH has hands to do it the lazy sod.

@WabbitsAndWeasels

In one of your previous threads you said you inherited approximately £45000, did you decide to go forward with the new build with £25000 deposit or has that money been spent on the little stuff you talk about here?

If you still haven't purchased a house I'd definitely be plugging for that. It would be a better inheritance for you DS and the SS (of course protecting your invested but joint investment goes to all) in the long term. As others have said debt is a terrible idea if there's already money in the bank and money is tight otherwise.

You did also say in a previous thread that jointly you earned approximately £50000 joint, why are you struggling so much? Are you actually living within your means or at the limits of your means if you can't afford to hire a carpet cleaner or pressure washer?

£45k is a lot more than the £20k the OP now says she inherited! I don’t feel so sorry for her after reading this. I think the OP has to clarify where the other £25k gone. That’s if she comes back to the thread! Hopefully it hasn’t been frittered away on the little things she is talking about!

Plus, £50k is definitely a decent income, much more than most families have to live on. If they are dipping into her inheritance, with those wages, they are definitely living beyond their means! However, I don’t think the OP should have to subside her dss’, it is up to their parents to pay for them! I doubt their dm would cut the amount of CM she gets if she came into some money.

Please don't put it in your children's name! That is money from your Dad left to YOU. It's your insurance money - your fall back.

I don't think you should be spending a lot on a property that is not yours (will there be a risk of the landlord wanting higher rent/new tenants?).
Try to keep the remaining inheritance as a back up and not spend it for something unless it has a very tangible benefit (eg getting you on the property ladder as you pay a lot in rent). Try to live within your earnings.
I do not think your DH should take out a loan for everyday living if not necessary (it could risk your chance of a decent mortgage if badly managed etc).

@Chilledchablis1

£20,000 won’t last long if you pay for everything.

Isn't the MN mantra that within a marriage it's family money or is that just when the man inherits money? Her's can be ring-fenced as 'ruinniong away' money presumably.

@dogaibu

He's on 29k but our rent is a thousand pounds a month

Obvious isn't - use 20k for a house deposit! You two will never be wealthy if you keep paying for a rental.

my charmer of an ex-husband forced me into £22k debt as he refused to consider our joint income as family money. he earned 5 x my salary. are you not a family? extra expenses such as video games etc need to be discussed and budgeted for or they don’t happen. you don’t have to piss £20k away on frivolous spending, but you really need to think about whether you see this money as ‘yours’ and are genuinely expecting your husband to go into debt while you have money in the bank.

having been on the other side of this, i can say definitively that it contributed to breakdown of our marriage and subsequent divorce. in the end i had to get legal action taken to force him to buy me out of our house and i managed to pay my debts off. not a pleasant experience.

@Heidi451

Also OP - The house needs painting, the deck needs power washing and the carpets need shampooing? I do all that myself and I am an old woman - so your husband can do it! It costs hardly any money - just labour.

Why are you doing all of this if it's a rental OP?!