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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to borrow some money?

158 replies

dogaibu · 10/02/2022 19:01

Feel like I might BU but I want to check.

My dad died in Feb 21 and I received an inheritance of around 20k. Since then, it appears I've been footing yhr bill for everything. I have Ds11 and he has dss9 and dss12 and it seems that every time they need anything- clothes, bedding, computer games, anything at all- I've been paying for it. We have a dog and a cat and the cat had cancer recently- I footed the entire £1,000 bill.

The house desperately needs painting, the carpet needs shampooing, the deck outside needs power washing, the boys need some new bedroom furniture. It's looking like I'm to foot the entire bill again.

Dh has very little spare money as he pays nearly £450 a month for his Dc, child maintenance, our rent is also pretty high. I obviously have more money than him due to my inheritance but AIBU to ask him to either get a bank loan or use his credit card to pay half of all these household expenses?

OP posts:
Silvershroud · 11/02/2022 08:11

Why not use the 20k towards a deposit and buy a house? A mortgage is cheaper than renting.

stuntbubbles · 11/02/2022 08:13

@Silvershroud

Why not use the 20k towards a deposit and buy a house? A mortgage is cheaper than renting.
Repairs aren’t, though. If they can’t afford to clean the carpets without dipping into a one-off inheritance, what happens when the roof blows off or the boiler conks out?
Merryoldgoat · 11/02/2022 08:13

@MichelleScarn

How is it £5k a month?

A) £50k pa is £4166 per month gross, not £5000 and you need to deduct tax, NI pension

B) that’s joint income - not just one person’s.

Without knowing how earnings are split no one can comment accurately.

endlesssighing · 11/02/2022 08:23

You need to sit down and talk about this.

Tell him there's X amount left and you're putting it in trust for the children. You've spent XYZ that you're willing to write off (or not).

Now, the carpet needs shampooing, the children need new furniture, the deck needs spraying etc. How are we going to save for that?

If it gets thrown back that you've got savings, you shut him down with - no, that's not mine. That's my childrens'.

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2022 08:25

@Merryoldgoat was from a pp. "You did also say in a previous thread that jointly you earned approximately £50000 joint".

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2022 08:27

Most when talking about earnings talk about take home pay, and is this thread not about how earnings/income is shared not about split?

Clarefromwork · 11/02/2022 08:38

It depends how long you have been together, are your married etc but I think you have to remember it will set a precedent so if you use the money for your son and pay for only half the cost of the home
Improvements with it then you need to be ok that he may do the same if he comes into a lot of money in the future.
I personally would rather have all money as family money as I think it makes it easier but I think it can depend how happy you are in the relationship generally.

jimmyjammy001 · 11/02/2022 08:44

You shouldn't be subsidizing his children's costs, if he can't do that then he needs to reorganise his finances, that is money you could be spending on your children, but if you have decided to become a blended family then all costs should really be shared otherwise like now it is causing resentment for yourself and no doubt if you bring it up you will be branded selfish for not sharing your own money

Cocomarine · 11/02/2022 08:55

You need to stop being such a sap.

If your cat gets sick and neither of you have savings, then yes of course that money needs to come from your inheritance.

But the rest of it? I struggle to understand how they needed bedding. They’re only with you 50/50 - my 14yo has had 2 bedding sets her whole life. Sounds to me like there’s wants here rather than needs.

  • give me some of your inheritance to buy new computer game for my child
  • no, that’s ear marked as rainy day money, regular spending needs to come from our regular spends
  • but I haven’t got any money
  • then save up, go to CEX, swap games with a friend, wait for his birthday, or just accept that we’re not a household that has new games

And please… consider regular name changing. I often search names where I think it will help me to understand situations better. What I saw wasn’t relevant to this, but you’ve made yourself very identifiable and linked information to that, that you really shouldn’t.

Cocomarine · 11/02/2022 08:57

@Silvershroud

Why not use the 20k towards a deposit and buy a house? A mortgage is cheaper than renting.
A search says the inheritance was £45K and they’ve offered on a house. Perhaps the £20K is what’s left after a deposit? It’s all a bit odd.
skyeisthelimit · 11/02/2022 09:03

YANBU in wanting to save the inheritance, but I am another one asking how you managed before you got the inheritance and how will you manage when its all gone?

That would be a short term fix without fixing the actual problem. I wouldn't be encouraging him to get into debt, but if you can't manage on 2 salaries, you really do need to look at your finances. They don't need computer games etc. I can understand bedding if say a 7yo is still under Peppa Pig and wants something a bit older, but aside from that, if you buy something without branding on, you shouldn't need to buy new bedding that often.

You need to do a proper budget, Money Saving Expert has a good one here: www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

you can list all your income and expenses and work out what you can cut back on, and how much you need to live off each month, which includes paying for anything annual such as birthdays, christmas etc and also saving some for emergencies.

I would put whatever inheritance is left in Premium Bonds so that you stop dipping into it. You can access it if you needed to for say a vets bill but can't access it the same day. I invested a small inheritance of £7K and have won £25 seven times in 2 years so personally have had a good return from them

StrawberryLollipops · 11/02/2022 09:05

Treat the inheritance as separate from the household money.
First thing put it in an ISA or NS&I or a fixed deposit - so it doesn't get eaten into.

Then decide what you want to do with it.
Savings/necessities/luxuries etc.

SockFluffInTheBath · 11/02/2022 09:18

it seems that every time they need anything- clothes, bedding, computer games

They don’t need computer games. How did you pay for this before? If your DC is 11 are you already working to help with household finances or will there be a drip feed? If you’re not working then it’s fair you contribute financially but ffs don’t pay for work on a rented house..,

Rosscameasdoody · 11/02/2022 09:30

Is his take home pay £29k ? A quick calculation - your rent is £12k and his cm is £5400 - that’s just under £17k a year. What does he do with the rest, and do you work ? You need to work out a budget so things are split fairly, otherwise your inheritance isn’t going to last long. I’m with others - a loan or credit card for routine expenses is not a good idea and if you’re on a tight budget, the repayments would leave you with even less.

Babyroobs · 11/02/2022 09:32

Do you work op ? Just asking because depending on household income you may qualify for universal credit with a rent that high. However you would only qualify once your savings drop below 16k so it may not hurt to spend a little of it reasonably. Definitely worth a check with CAB or similar.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/02/2022 09:36

I would also say, surely the landlord should pay for works fo the house? It’s dead money to you, he could decide to sell up at any time.

I’d ringfence that money and keep it for a house deposit - it’ll all be gone in not time at this rate. You need something concrete to show for 20k. I think (easier said than done!) thst you both need to look at reducing expenditure rather than him borrowing money - or someone needs to earn more.

LuaDipa · 11/02/2022 09:43

If he’s always paid his share before then yanbu. You are supposed to be a team. I agree with a pp, put the money in your dc name and if his kids need anything it’s on him.

girlmom21 · 11/02/2022 09:56

Do you work?

It sounds like your inheritance is pretty much already gone tbh.

SC215 · 11/02/2022 10:03

You had 45k in inheritance in December. Where has 25k gone in less than 2 months?! Are you not buying a house anymore?

Rosscameasdoody · 11/02/2022 10:05

@Babyroobs

Do you work op ? Just asking because depending on household income you may qualify for universal credit with a rent that high. However you would only qualify once your savings drop below 16k so it may not hurt to spend a little of it reasonably. Definitely worth a check with CAB or similar.
Good point. But be careful how you spend the money because it could be seen as disposal of assets in order to qualify for benefits.
Rosscameasdoody · 11/02/2022 10:07
  • Silvershroud Why not use the 20k towards a deposit and buy a house? A mortgage is cheaper than renting.*

Repairs aren’t, though. If they can’t afford to clean the carpets without dipping into a one-off inheritance, what happens when the roof blows off or the boiler conks out?

They would contact the landlord to deal with it.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/02/2022 10:08

@SC215

You had 45k in inheritance in December. Where has 25k gone in less than 2 months?! Are you not buying a house anymore?
The inheritance was 20K not 45K.
AllOfUsAreDead · 11/02/2022 10:09

@SC215

You had 45k in inheritance in December. Where has 25k gone in less than 2 months?! Are you not buying a house anymore?
What the hell?

What's the actual truth here op?

redastherose · 11/02/2022 10:13

If you have separate finances then obviously the his money your money thing is relevant for all those people saying otherwise.

Don't paint the house - never do expensive work on a rental property that is the landlords job. Buy a pressure washer and do the deck yourself and hire a carpet cleaner - neither of these things are particularly expensive. The cat expenses can't be helped.

Don't buy any further things for the DC that you wouldn't have paid for previously. You have already been generous but presumably that was because you wanted to get things for your DC and felt you couldn't. None of the children will be deprived if you don't buy them a computer game your own DC included.

Put the remaining money in a savings account which isn't instant access and tell him that those monies are for your DC for university or whatever and then don't touch them.

He can start paying for anything for his DC in the same way that you pay for yours going forward. Don't be guilt tripped into dipping into the savings anymore.

TokyoDreaming · 11/02/2022 10:13

I think the OP is telling porkies but either way there's no way I'd ask my husband to get into debt just for every day living expenses.