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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to borrow some money?

158 replies

dogaibu · 10/02/2022 19:01

Feel like I might BU but I want to check.

My dad died in Feb 21 and I received an inheritance of around 20k. Since then, it appears I've been footing yhr bill for everything. I have Ds11 and he has dss9 and dss12 and it seems that every time they need anything- clothes, bedding, computer games, anything at all- I've been paying for it. We have a dog and a cat and the cat had cancer recently- I footed the entire £1,000 bill.

The house desperately needs painting, the carpet needs shampooing, the deck outside needs power washing, the boys need some new bedroom furniture. It's looking like I'm to foot the entire bill again.

Dh has very little spare money as he pays nearly £450 a month for his Dc, child maintenance, our rent is also pretty high. I obviously have more money than him due to my inheritance but AIBU to ask him to either get a bank loan or use his credit card to pay half of all these household expenses?

OP posts:
Crimesean · 10/02/2022 20:05

If you hadn't inherited, what would he do? Say no! Put it into an account in your son's name (that he has no access to!) and tell him that's it.

TracyMosby · 10/02/2022 20:11

Stop wasting your inheritance on day to day living. And stop making home improvements on a rental.

Whats your income? Can you instead put this towards a house deposit?

marqueses · 10/02/2022 20:16

What do you mean that it appears you've been paying for everything? Have you just found out/realised, has he been lying about where the money was coming from.

What would have happened otherwise?

Overthebow · 10/02/2022 20:17

Why are you doing home improvements when you’re renting? They are either essential in which case you’re landlord pays and not you, or a nice to have in which case no one should be getting into debt for.

Wnikat · 10/02/2022 20:18

Is he the sole earner?

Blossom64265 · 10/02/2022 20:31

He shouldn’t be going into debt for non-emergency expenses. Ideally, you shouldn’t be spending the inheritance on them either. If you didn’t have that block of money, you would just need to go without or make compromises.

IncompleteSenten · 11/02/2022 06:15

Until your inheritance, what was your financial contribution to the household?

Could you not invest the inheritance and go back to your previous financial split then look again at what to do with it in a year or two?

You say you're renting is that private or local authority/housing association. If private then just my opinion but I would rethink spending money on it. if its HA then ignore that advice. Put the money where it's needed most. I lost a family member last year and received an inheritance that I spent on my mum in law.

cuno · 11/02/2022 06:44

Sorry but I think YABU. I don't know how you can even begrudge paying for the vet's bill, would you really have expected your husband to take on debt to pay for that when you had money sitting in the bank from an inheritance? Please for a moment imagine if a woman posted on here about her husband gaining an inheritance and him not sharing that with her and forcing her to take on debt for things like that.

How much do you earn? I think you both need to go through all finances together and budget properly to avoid too much reliance on the inheritance money for day to day things. By all means put some money away into savings for your son if you want

Fwiw I have recently come into the same amount of money (currently waiting for it ro land in my bank account... it's not an inheritance but money I won). I'm not married but I have a partner and we have a child together, and I don't even see it is my money, I've been talking about it as our money, and we have been discussing together as a couple about how it is going to be used and what can we put into savings from it etc.

BABAHOTEL · 11/02/2022 06:49

YABU!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/02/2022 06:53

How were you managing before the inheritance? If he can't afford to buy clothes for his DC then he needs to be doing something about that.

You don't mention if you work or not? If you aren't working and you're struggling as a household then it's not unreasonable that you will have to use some of the money for day to day expenses. If you don't want to use it then you need to get a job. Not expect your partner to take out a loan.

IncompleteSenten · 11/02/2022 06:59

[quote honeylulu]@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

I just twigged - they are renting. So why on earth would they invest in expensive renovations? Madness![/quote]
Depends if it's private or local authority. I wouldnt spend a penny on private. In fact, you aren't even allowed to bang a nail into a wall in some.
Local authority/ha is a different kettle of fish. It's a secure home for life. Or at least it was. Not sure about new tenancies.

I live in a ha property and we've done loads to it including having an extension to create an extra bedroom. Housing association agreed to it on condition it didn't cost them anything.

(Very complex situation. Disabled facilities grant. Big back story)

2DogsOnMySofa · 11/02/2022 06:59

Put some money away for your dc in an account you can't get to, or even better that your dc can only access at a certain age.

whywouldntyou · 11/02/2022 07:14

What you need to realise is that as you are married it isn't your money! You may have inherited it (I am in the same situation) but it is now joint money. You may not have joint finances but if you split it would be deemed you do. You married him knowing he had maintenance to pay so why are you surprised he has no money. He must get over 2k net a month, so should have money left over after rent and maintenance so combine that with your salary and start thinking about it as household money, not yours and his.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 11/02/2022 07:33

@dogaibu

I resent paying for EVERYTHING. I want to keep some of the money aside for my ds.
So you resent paying for his dc but you think he should get into debt ? . I’m confused wouldn’t you want to use the money for home improvements? Yes I get the console etc as you don’t want to frit away the money on frivolous things but bedroom furniture is fair a wardrobe and drawers from ikea won’t debt that much into your inheritance. You need to discuss what this inheritance money is for , the future , house, but not games consoles .
BillyCongo · 11/02/2022 07:38

Do you ever sit down together and work out or discuss your finances, make spreadsheets of your spending? If not I suggest you start. Your DH taking on debt if you don't have to is madness and if you are married it is joint debt anyway. You need to budget to the income you have and try and preserve your inheritance. I'd be treating that as start of house deposit not day to day spending money if possible.
The house hold improvements are not urgent if you are that skint. Even if you did want to do the work, you could be more cost effective about it. For example you should ask landlord to re paint anyway as it's not your property. You could hire a carpet cleaner from B&Q and clean it yourself or just spot clean it for now. Same with decking, detergent, hot water and scrubbing brush broom. Hard work but cheap.Furniture for kids could be found second hand. Long term your high rental costs appear to the issue. What can you do about that?

Winter2020 · 11/02/2022 07:38

Hi OP,
I'm sorry I think YABU.
I'm not sure if you are implying you want to pay tradesmen to do the work to your home or not? Otherwise why even dip into your 20k - why not both/either of you pay from your income?

Carpet - hire a rug doctor or buy a second hand vax- £40-£60 including the shampoo. If you do buy you will have it for next time.
Paint a room - again £40 for paint (you don't need to buy Farrow and Ball!)
Kids furniture- follow eBay/Facebook marketplace. (Just buy new mattresses) or get something new but sheepish Ikea/Argos etc.

I think the 20k is making you feel richer so you are choosing to splash out more on your expenses than you would otherwise and you are cross when your husband can't keep up. If your husband had inherited the 20k surely you would struggle to keep up - if not use general income. If you want to save the 20k lock it away in a bond/invest in a stock market tracker (putting money at risk) or buy premium bonds. If you want to save it stop spending it and blaming your husband.

If your husband takes a loan then the next time you want to buy or do something his outgoings will be even higher and he will be less able to help. You will be listing loan repayments as well as CMS.
Put the money away so you both have to cut your cloth accordingly.

TabithaTittlemouse · 11/02/2022 07:39

What are you planning to do with the inheritance?

cultkid · 11/02/2022 07:44

Its family money not your money

Inspectorslack · 11/02/2022 07:46

How did things get paid for before you inherited the money?

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 07:51

I think there are two different things going on here

  • it’s crazy to go into debt over house repairs rather than use your inheritance. So YABU there.
  • but I can understand you don’t want to be spending it on presents your husband couldn’t otherwise afford.

A thousand in rent and 450 on child maintenance is a lot on 29k. It doesn’t sound like you earn that much?? It does sound like the pair of you might need to look at your finances overall.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/02/2022 07:52

Oh - hang on - if you are just renting why are you paying house repairs at all.

Shouldn’t this money go into a deposit, or do you have other plans for that?

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2022 07:58

@WabbitsAndWeasels

In one of your previous threads you said you inherited approximately £45000, did you decide to go forward with the new build with £25000 deposit or has that money been spent on the little stuff you talk about here?

If you still haven't purchased a house I'd definitely be plugging for that. It would be a better inheritance for you DS and the SS (of course protecting your invested but joint investment goes to all) in the long term. As others have said debt is a terrible idea if there's already money in the bank and money is tight otherwise.

You did also say in a previous thread that jointly you earned approximately £50000 joint, why are you struggling so much? Are you actually living within your means or at the limits of your means if you can't afford to hire a carpet cleaner or pressure washer?

Wow, 5k a month, the cm only £450 out of that isn't that much!
SummerWhisper · 11/02/2022 08:07

Put £15,000 into an account for your son. End of. His kids have 2 parents. He's taking the piss and sees you as a cash cow for his kids' items that he wouldn't normally be able to afford, so he gets to be Disney Dad while your child loses every chance of having some money put aside for him. He's clearly prioritising his own kids over yours. Time for you to do the same.

Bagelsandbrie · 11/02/2022 08:08

If you want your son to have some of the money I would separate some of that now and put it into a trust fund or separate savings account so it doesn’t get touched.

stuntbubbles · 11/02/2022 08:10

How much is now left of the £20k? Whatever’s now left, I’d consider a house deposit as pp said, or if that’s not feasible, stuff it into pensions, LISAs and a JISA so it’s not an option to spend it. Lock it away and live within your means.

Repainting and carpet shampooing aren’t needs, they’re wants, and while you’re right not to want to waste an inheritance on them, you’re wrong to want to get into debt for them. Some financial honesty and budgeting needs to happen.

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