To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

Always find it odd when women propose a proposal as surely that takes away the element of surprise/ being swept off your feet. It’s an overly romanticised notion we’ve learned from films and books etc. I’d just say ‘I’m ready to get married, how about September?’

@CRbear oh my gosh thank you! I thought I was going crazy, I and everyone else I've ever met who got married had a nice thought out romantic proposal, but literally everyone on MN seems to have told their DP they're getting married in the queue for Tesco, and yet they all 'just don't personally get it'. It's another classic MN wedding misery competition, who can have the least exciting engagement, whose wedding can be the cheapest and have the lowest number of people there.

OP, I think it is perfectly normal to have 'discussed' marriage in a 'would you like to get married someday' hypothetical way which is what I imagine you did. It is nothing like an actual engagement or promise to marry. That said, PPs are right that if you want him to initiate a proposal then you can't give him a deadline! You can make it clear that it is a priority for you but after that I'm afraid you're going to have to wait if that's how you want to do things.

I think you'd be reasonable to set your cards out but if you go down the route of giving him a deadline or ultimatum you need to be VERY clear in your head what you do if he doesn't conform to your demands.

@Teqillatey I was in a similar position to you. In my 30s been with my boyfriend (now DH) for just over a year when we started discussing marriage- he thought "normal" was being together a few years and living together for at least 1 😮. He also said only wanted to try for kids after we were married (I interpreted this as not getting married until he was in his mid 30s/me late). We met when I was early 30s (him 29) so I explained what that timeline would mean for us and why it wasn't acceptable to me.

We had a few more detailed conversations about our stances then I laid down my non negotiable. Said I wanted to be pregnant in the year of the ox (he countered pregnant but not given birth 🤣).

In the end, he proposed in lockdown 2020. We got married last year and I got pregnant our first month trying. Our #1st baby is due in a few weeks 🥰.

I say all this to say it's about your wants and needs as well as his. If he's the right person for you your stating your wants won't scare him ( he'll use it to propel himself down to a jeweller to lock it down) - if he can't/won't meet in the middle then he's not the man for you.

Look just talk to him!
Tell him you want to discuss your future. With timescales. How you'd like things to happen and when. Does that match his hopes and plans. Are there any things that need to be compromised? Is anything a show stopper?

You should be able to talk freely to him. And yes if he can't meet your needs you may have to end it. But hopefully you're on the same page and you can sort things out.

I got the full romantic proposal too. It was a complete surprise.

It really annoyed my best friend who, like the OP, had a strict life timetable and had to give her long term boyfriend a deadline.

He walked.

I say all this to say it's about your wants and needs as well as his. If he's the right person for you your stating your wants won't scare him ( he'll use it to propel himself down to a jeweller to lock it down) - if he can't/won't meet in the middle then he's not the man for you.

Exactly!

OP I wouldn't even call it a deadline or ultimatum but having clear expectations and boundaries.

I would have the discussion as more like planning out the rest of the year. You'd plan out holidays as well as other things you want to accomplish this year so why not find out how he feels about getting married this year.

Approach it like that as a talk about planning the future together.
Doing it like that you can still get the proposal.

You can ask him what his thoughts are about getting married this year and ask him if he has a preference of season to do it or place.
That way you're not proposing but you're starting the conversation and asking his input on it.

I think you'll know right away how he feels about it from his willingness to engage in some ideas about it or not.

My DH has a sense of humour and jokingly suggested Halloween and we could dress as Morticia and Gomez. We didn't do that, but it got the conversation going and had a fun time instead of being some dire heavy talk.

You are giving him all the power: the power to waste your time, the power to marry you or not, the power to use up your childbearing years.
Traditional or not, think about the agency you actually have in this situations alongside your life goals.

I think you just need to be honest and ask him if he wants a family together or not. No relationship needs deadlines but you both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet to have a future worth investing years into.

If he's not sure.... then you have some decisions to make.

Is it that you would like a 'performance proposal'

My thoughts too.

I'm old, back in the day you got a proposal ,(or proposed) and assuming the answer was yes, you were engaged. Then came the "planning to get engaged" thing and now it's all about the performance proposal.

Glad I'm happily married already

It's weird you don't want to ask him because you are traditional, but pressure him by giving the deadline?
Isn't that really a same thing?

It's another classic MN wedding misery competition, who can have the least exciting engagement, whose wedding can be the cheapest and have the lowest number of people there.

No - it's a sad indictment of our image-obsessed era that people judge a wedding that is modest in size and inexpensive as 'miserable' and an engagement as 'unexciting' unless it's accompanied by instagram-worthy fanfare.

I wouldn't put a hard deadline but a conversation where you explain how you're feeling and your wishes around proposal would be sensible. Could it be that he doesn't know? I personally would not consider marrying someone I'd only been with for 18 months, so maybe he doesn't realise that you are very keen for this to happen.

@Zazdar

I got the full romantic proposal too. It was a complete surprise.

It really annoyed my best friend who, like the OP, had a strict life timetable and had to give her long term boyfriend a deadline.

He walked.

Good. She didn't waste any more time on a man who didn't love her and was left free to find someone who did.

Men don't let the woman they love and want to keep forever go like that.

(Insert disclaimer about the men who didn't know their feelings until they lost her or thought they'd lose her. Point is, if men think they're on to a good thing, they don't let it go. That's why I say that it's a good measure. )

@ClariceQuiff

It's another classic MN wedding misery competition, who can have the least exciting engagement, whose wedding can be the cheapest and have the lowest number of people there.

No - it's a sad indictment of our image-obsessed era that people judge a wedding that is modest in size and inexpensive as 'miserable' and an engagement as 'unexciting' unless it's accompanied by instagram-worthy fanfare.

Do people really think this? On a wide, cultural level?

You are adults living together. You don’t need ‘proposals’ - you need a conversation, to agree where you are and when you’ll get married

This in spades. Dh and I talked marriage for the future, we moved in together on the understanding that for both of us it was a compatibility test, we had already done a trial run as a house sit for my sister. It was also understood that this would lead to an engagement and then a marriage shortly after.

There was no bit get down on one knee proposal. There were conversations and agreements and plans like what we wanted from life, what kind of wedding, how many children, how finances would work. I knew how he felt about me and I about him and he said shall we make it all official and go and buy a ring. I said yes, we bought a ring we were engaged. Now we may have made up some romantic story bullshit for the parents but the truth is there wasn't one. We have been happily married over 20 years.

Movies, tv shows always portray this like the woman is completely taken by surprise, there is this big get down on one knee bit, there might even be a flash mob, friends or family involved etc. Sometimes it is an honest conversation.

What do you envisage your proposal to be? Does he know what you expect? Why do you want him to propose? You do need to talk timescales. I would go with the how would you feel about getting married next year etc.

Good. She didn't waste any more time on a man who didn't love her and was left free to find someone who did.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out like that. To keep to her timetable, she married the very next man that came along, had two children (to the timetable) and were acrimoniously divorced less than three years later. That wasn’t in the timetable.

it's a sad indictment of our image-obsessed era that people judge a wedding that is modest in size and inexpensive as 'miserable' and an engagement as 'unexciting' unless it's accompanied by instagram-worthy fanfare

Totally agree.

DH and I didn't have an an engagement, an engagement ring, a performance proposal or a big wedding. However, it did not occur to me to think this was miserable because nobody else did that either! It is NOT traditional to perform everything and throw money at things. My friends did not do that, parents did not do that and neither did my grandparents.

Our decision to get married, our wedding and our marriage have all been amazing and I am still happily married. I regard myself as really lucky, privileged in fact, not miserable because DH did not go through some performance he copied from youtube. I think of myself as very fortunate because of the quality of our relationship rather than the photos I can share on SM.

Do people really think this? On a wide, cultural level?

I don't know - it would be interesting to do a proper study. I'm basing my comment purely on what I see online about proposals that practically require a movie director and production crew; and 'bridezilla' dominated elaborate weddings.

@Zazdar

Good. She didn't waste any more time on a man who didn't love her and was left free to find someone who did.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out like that. To keep to her timetable, she married the very next man that came along, had two children (to the timetable) and were acrimoniously divorced less than three years later. That wasn’t in the timetable.

I'm sure it wasn't, but that's a separate issue. Either way, it's about the consequences of marrying, or staying tied to, a person who doesn't really want to be there.

@Zazdar

I got the full romantic proposal too. It was a complete surprise.

It really annoyed my best friend who, like the OP, had a strict life timetable and had to give her long term boyfriend a deadline.

He walked.

🐈 🐈 (not sure if that was your intent) 🤣🤣🤣🤣

No proposal should be a complete surprise. Surely you've talked about what you want from the future otherwise it's a bit presumptuous.

You can have a romantic proposal even after discussing timelines/expectations. Ultimately until you are engaged it will be a surprise as you don't know when it's coming.
I knew I wanted to get married, I didn't know when/if it was going to happen. We were in lockdown had been out in the morning/early afternoon. I went to meet a friend and in the time I was away he'd decorated our house, picked up my 💍 (he had designed it himself unbeknownst to me) and cooked a 3 course meal. I didn't know it was happening that day. I walked through the door could smell food so went directly to the dining room where he was waiting on one knee. Tears and cuddles followed. I forgot everything he said for all my blubbering.

I don't think my proposal was any less romantic because I knew I wanted to marry him. Instead it was everything I wanted and matched our relationship to a tee.

OP I think you can have a chat about timescales and also have a lovely proposal. I did! It was very obvious we were going to get married so would have been a bit silly to pretend otherwise, we actually put a deposit on a venue prior to the proposal, as we knew it would disappear before he got a chance to get things in order (I can't be bothered to explain this, but he had to get some stuff sorted before getting engaged) ANYWAY the proposal was still a surprise and still lovely and emotional.

My grandparents were the most traditonal couple I ever knew. When they were young they would meet in passing on the way to work and this led to 'courting'. One day, as they met and chatted my grandfather said "I suppose we ought to get married then" and my grandmother replied "Yes, I suppose we ought". So they did .

Not only do I think the simplicity of that story is the most romantic thing I ever heard, it was followed by decades of happy, loving years together.

I don't want to tell anyone what they should or should not want - but I sometimes thing the romance industry around weddings sets up expectations that are not like real life and make us think grand gestures are something they are not.

The engagement and wedding are not nothing, but the real importance are the years together, building and sharing a life. If it takes an ultimatum just to get the first bit, then is there much chance of the latter?

@ClariceQuiff

Do people really think this? On a wide, cultural level?

I don't know - it would be interesting to do a proper study. I'm basing my comment purely on what I see online about proposals that practically require a movie director and production crew; and 'bridezilla' dominated elaborate weddings.

Well, the only people you see who do a big photoshoot on social media will be the ones who wanted to. If that really is a majority of the people you're friends with, it might be more of a sign of your circle than anyone else. But is it?

I've never seen anything more than a picture of a hand showing the ring, or maybe a cute couple shot. Never seen the actual down-on-one-knee moment or anything like that. Actually I hear more people complaining about it than I see people actually doing it, like the infamous Mumsnet chicken or spa day.

I'm not on Instagram though.