To give DP a deadline for the proposal

[Teqillatey]

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

@Justmuddlingalong

Blaming a traditional background to explain waiting for a man to propose is a cop out. Jeez, just have a grown up conversation.

Especially when they’re living together. Can’t be that traditional!

@CRbear

I think this thread is a classic case of people being able to represent themselves differently online. Bullshit have 90% of couples either got engaged where the woman proposed to the man or they just “decided to get married”.

I’m in a similar boat to you OP but I was open with my partner from the start about my thoughts re marriage and said, once I’d decided he was the one for me, if he moved in I expected to get married pretty quickly afterwards. I also said I wanted to get married this year. I’m currently “waiting for the proposal” too - I believe we’ve “had a grown up conversation” AND can have a special moment. I am willing to bet many women know it’s coming anyway whether they’ve discussed it or not so hardly a bolt out of the blue surprise then anyway.

My partner wants to propose. I want to be proposed to. I don’t care whether that means “we’re engaged to all intents and purposes”. I get you and I think many posters are being disingenuous if they say they don’t.

Why do you think it's bullshit? Is it really hard to imagine that other people conduct their relationships differently from how you conduct your own?

Personally, I don't really understand your way of thinking and I don't actually know what a proposal actually means in your situation. I assume it's essentially just a ritual that you feel is important for some reason, even if it might no longer have its original meaning?

In my head, a proposal is all about asking someone if they want to marry you. Raising the question of marriage, expressing that that's what you want and giving the other person the opportunity to decide if that's what they want too. Essentially, though, you have already done that when you told him that you want to get married this year, so I'm not sure what the waiting bit is about now. Is it the case that your partner has already accepted your invitation to get married and is just biding his time to carry out the engagement ritual as a kind of formality? Or is he still actually deciding whether he wants to accept your offer and the proposal (if it comes) will be his rather elaborate way of saying yes?

but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values,

I know that this was way back, but as PP said, it's such a cop out. And it doesn't make any sense. I guess you're not living together? I guess you're not having sex? What with being so traditional.

I’d have a conversation along the lines of, if a proposal isn’t forthcoming then actually what are we doing? I’m mid 30s and not waiting for many more months are you thinking of getting engaged and setting a date by then?

Don’t give an ultimatum but ask questions that have to be answered

@Westerman

You make it all sound so regimented. Is having your ideal proposal more important than actually being married?

This.

Ok so you want a proposal because you're traditional and want the special moment and are considering giving a deadline for it. But how traditional or romantic is that?

I know someone who had agreed with her boyfriend they were going to get married, she'd pretty much told him what ring she'd like and then she just waited to be 'surprised'. It's weird.
I did have a proposal which was a total surprise. It was nice and everything but I'd be just as happy with a chat and a nice day of ring shopping and lunch.

Just tell him you want to get married. If it's too soon for him then that's that. What's the 2 year thing?

Honestly, it sounds like you've watched too many Hallmark movies. I'm not judging, I have too.

@CRbear

Bullshit have 90% of couples either got engaged where the woman proposed to the man or they just “decided to get married”

That is such an odd thing to say. I have been married for 30 years. DH did not 'propose' and none of my friends who got married at around the same time had a 'proposal' either. That's not bullshit it's just a true fact about my personal experience. It would be a really strange thing to lie about.

My main point in sharing this true fact is that I am fairly sure that staged proposals are not traditional. Like big white weddings I think proposals are things which people imagine are traditional but in reality are not. They come from films and magazines.

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

It doesn't have to be either/or, OP. You can initiate the conversation with him and have your romantic proposal, if you and your partner are both on the same page.

My husband and I were together for quite a long time before we got engaged, but that was because we were in a long distance relationship. But we had talked about marriage and kids and we were both clear that we wanted the same things, just as soon as we were able to figure out a way to live in the same country.

A week after I moved to be with him, we went to his best friend's wedding. The bride said to me, "Do you think Mr Jellyfish will propose soon?" and I said, "Yes, I think so."

He did, a week later. It was a surprise in the sense that I wasn't expecting it to happen right at that moment, but also not a surprise in the sense that we had been talking about it.

Just initiate the conversation with your partner and see where he's at. You could even say you were surprised that he thought his friends getting engaged after a year together was too soon, because once they've reached a certain age most people are fairly clear in their own minds about what they want and what they don't want.

It's like buying a house. Most people visit lots of places they're not really sure about, say no to lots, maybe try to buy a couple but perhaps someone else puts in a higher offer or the sale falls through. And then one day they visit a place which ticks all their boxes and which they can afford, and because they've been looking for a while and have visited a few other places, they know it's right for them and they get in there quickly and buy it before someone else does.

You and your partner are in your 30s, you live together, and you say you both want marriage and kids. This shouldn't really be an awkward conversation. And if you bring the subject up and he seems uncomfortable or seems to be stalling, you need to find out why that is. As you rightly say, you don't want to hang around forever.

Dh and I got together when I was 36 and just out of a long marriage. We both wanted marriage before kids and time wasn't on our side. We talked about marriage early on and were married within the year.
You seem to be fixating on a special romantic proposal rather than marriage? Being engaged with no marriage plans won't change anything?

No offence to you OP, but it amazes me how these “traditional” men are ok with sex before marriage, ok with living with their partner and getting all the perks of marriage without the commitment, ok with her washing his dirty pants and cooking his dinners, but her having some agency in a proposal? No, that’s just a step too far 🙄

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

There's nothing traditional about moving in together after 6 months either, but you managed that OK. Exactly how old fashioned are you?

Either propose and see what he says or have a grown up discussion and decide to get married or not. I strongly suspect that you will be waiting a long time if you don't.

@Rainbowpurple

Don't shut up and wait out! Ask him to see if you both are on the same page. You know what you want so make sure he is the one who you can have the life you want with asap. No time to waste.

This.

Do not for a second consider compromising what you want by getting pregnant.

He either wants what you want or he doesn't.

If he doesn't fair enough but you should quickly cut your losses.

MN is full of women regretful that they had children despite wanting to be married.

Don't be strung along.

Well there are various possible outcomes here. OP is back in a few months and...

1. happily planning her wedding, I REALLY hope this happens!

1. her partner still hasn't proposed

1. She's fallen pregnant and he still hasn't proposed.

OP is back in a few years and...

1. Her kids have her husbands name because he is sooo traditional, but he still hasn't proposed and she hates having a different name to her kids and has lost out on her career and feels so insecure.

1. They've not had kids and now he doesn't want them and she doesn't know what to do because she looooves him, but wants kids. Will he change his mind?

It plays out all the time on here, every day women walking into the same traps where men get what they want and women get insecurity and/or no kids.

You really need to talk to him OP. I would love for you to be secure, happy and excited for your future. But you aren't at the moment, are you?

[quote Horological]@CRbear

Bullshit have 90% of couples either got engaged where the woman proposed to the man or they just “decided to get married”

That is such an odd thing to say. I have been married for 30 years. DH did not 'propose' and none of my friends who got married at around the same time had a 'proposal' either. That's not bullshit it's just a true fact about my personal experience. It would be a really strange thing to lie about.

My main point in sharing this true fact is that I am fairly sure that staged proposals are not traditional. Like big white weddings I think proposals are things which people imagine are traditional but in reality are not. They come from films and magazines.[/quote]
Totally agree. DH and I have been married for 22 years, together for 27. We lived together for 3 years before we got married. There was never a "proposal" as such. We had both been talking about marriage for years, working on a shared assumption that that's what both of us wanted, and then we just agreed to set a date. At that point, I did ask him to buy me an engagement ring because I liked the idea of having one so we went and bought one together. But the idea to get married felt like a mutual decision, not initiated by either party.

There is nothing wrong with a big proposal of that's what you want, but having to instruct someone to do it within a certain timeframe would totally suck any romance out of it in my view. I find it hard to get my head around the notion of the "surprise proposal" in any case, as I tend to assume that couples who are serious about spending their lives together probably discuss these things before it ever gets to that stage.

So I can only conclude that it's essentially a ritual/piece of theatre, rather than an actual question that requires a proper answer. Nothing wrong with that at all if it's important to people. It just isn't something that mattered to me.

A proposal is meaningless unless there’s an actual wedding after.

Me and my DP discussed marriage about 6 years ago. There wasn’t an actual proposal because i have a DS and we wanted him to be on board with the idea rather than just springing it on him. So we went ring shopping and got engaged.

And 6 years on we’ve still never got married. That’s fine, life has moved in different directions and marriage is no longer that important to either of us, But my point is that you could give your DP this magical ultimatum for the proposal, but it still doesn’t mean the marriage is going to happen.

It’s not unusual for a young woman to be living in a fantasy world, with notions of sweeping romantic gestures, but it’s unrealistic.

Actual marriage between two people doesn’t work like that at all. The most important traits in a good marriage is the ability to openly talk and properly listen to each other and accept graciously when a compromise is needed.

I think you need to learn how to talk to your DP before you make any final decisions.

I agree with the above. We met at 17, moved in at 22 and then started talking children at 26 at which point I said I don't want children outside marriage. He agreed and we started planning the wedding.

There was no proposal, no waiting for a ring, we just agreed that was what we would do.

Been married now 28 years so this isn't even a modern arrangement.

It’s fine to live together and still do the whole romantic proposal thing. Marriage is different to living together.

It’s bizarre to describe yourselves as ‘very traditional’ whilst you’re living together unmarried.

It’s not about a tradition here.

Op whilst l get your desire to have a lovely moment with a Proposal, what is concerning is your lack of ability to talk about issues that are fundamentally important to you.....

For most marriages to be successful it is important to openly and candidly speak about, marriage/children/values/dealbreakers/money preferably before you move in together..

Get past your reservations and say how important this is to you and you need to know if marriage is on the cards in the next year OR NOT...
Then talk about the other things.

@Teqillatey

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

So you have an itinerary based on your history. What if, due to his history, he needs longer? Are you really going shelve this because of some arbitrary self imposed timescale? Have you actually spoken to him and asked his feelings about how he sees the relationship now and progressing forward? Forget the should propose etc, you risk, imo, coming across as a bit boiler bunnyish and way too pressurising. Communicate.

Ask him then if you want it so desperately.
Stop being so overbearing. If you set him an ultimatum he might end up simply ending things with you.

Another who didn't have a proposal - we've been married 17 years. We had an adult conversation in which we decided to get married, and roughly when we wanted the wedding, and once we'd agreed we started making all the arrangements.

We went round the shops to choose an engagement ring and wedding rings together - I'd far rather that than have a ring chosen for me that I mightn't like but would feel obliged to accept.

FWIW I have received a proposal in the past and was 'engaged' for several years, but the wedding never happened and eventually we amicably parted ways.

Proposals don't mean anything.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

For you, two years is plenty to get to know whether you want to be with someone forever. It is IMO entirely reasonable that you share this view with any prospective 'husband material' otherwise how do they know ?

Share, be open about how you feel about things. Find out how he feels about it.

Not suggest that this is some 'natural law' that makes your way the 'correct' way, just how you feel.

For me, that is just how you get to know someone. If you don't know his opinion on that, how do you know whether he is right for you?

If he dies turn out to think that you should 'shut up and wait something out ' wouldn't it be better to know that as early as possible?

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I wrote the above before reading the full thread. Now I've read through and think it still stands. That doesn't often happen to me on threads like this.

Really hope you can learn to communication with this prospective husband and that it all works out for you.

@whycantwegoonasthree

I don't think you should marry at all until you work out how to communicate with each other properly.

If you can't have an honest, adult conversation with each other about your needs, hopes and wishes, then that's a much bigger deal than whether he gets down on one knee or any of that tosh.

Stop fretting about a proposal and do some work on your actual relationship if you want it to last.

I'm afraid I agree with this.

You should have a conversation about timescales because a proposal is one of many landmarks. I would find out from him how long he thinks proposal, wedding and trying for a baby would be because if he proposed tomorrow but didn't see marriage happening for a couple of years then babies a couple of years after that then it's best to know now. He might not know that you don't have the luxury of that much time if babies are a goal