Page 10 | To give DP a deadline for the proposal

AlexaShutUp · 08/02/2022 09:41

I thought I was going crazy, I and everyone else I've ever met who got married had a nice thought out romantic proposal, but literally everyone on MN seems to have told their DP they're getting married in the queue for Tesco, and yet they all 'just don't personally get it'. It's another classic MN wedding misery competition, who can have the least exciting engagement, whose wedding can be the cheapest and have the lowest number of people there.

It's nothing of the sort @Pedalpushers. There really is nothing miserable about an equally balanced relationship in which a couple can have an open and honest discussion about that they each want without the woman needing to wait for the man to make a big grand gesture.

I guess the way you decide to get married sets the tone for the rest of the relationship. Do you really want it to be the man calling the shots or do you want an equally balanced partnership? I know which I prefer.

notanothertakeaway · 08/02/2022 09:41

I think the key thing is that they're not too confident that you'll be just there all the time while they muse about a proposal. Do something new with your hair (but don't cut it into a pixie cut unless you look like Halle Berry). Start wearing makeup or more make up or less make up as applicable. Start dresssing a little more nicely when you go out. Take up a hobby on your own and be out and about. I am assuming here he is not a violently jealous maniac. I think he is just a little too sure of you. He should be reminded you are a woman with options. My mother was fond of the saying "Treat him mean, keep him keen" and men simply adored her

Jesus wept. Did I really just read this, in 2022??!!

GrendelsGrandma · 08/02/2022 09:43

If you want to be traditional, then you're going to have to leave it to your DP aren't you?

Watch out though, tradition has a knack of prioritising men's wants and needs. Because it gives all the power to men. As you are seemingly both happy and not happy to do.

If you're really traditional, you would not have moved in, and you would also believe that your partner knows best because he's a man and therefore superior to you. That's where the tradition of men proposing comes from, they have the wealth and power and they choose a wife to see to their domestic needs. It's not a union of equal partners.

scottishnames · 08/02/2022 09:44

Previous posters are right. Fancy 'romantic' proposals are a modern Hollywood/social media/ marketing/wedding industry idea. I'm from the same generation as Alexa and Horological and, like them, neither I nor my friends experienced or wanted big romantic proposals. It was just not the thing in those days. We just spoke about plans for our futures as equals.

In fact, going further back, I can remember my parents - who would both be nearly 100 if they were still alive - having a very affectionate joke about when and where they decided to get married. They did not take the idea of a big romantic proposal at all seriously way back then - nor did their friends of the same generation.

If you and your partner like the idea of a fancy dramatic 'event', then by all means go ahead. Have fun, enjoy it. But really, as other posters have said, it's got to be a mutual, equal decision. A man has no more 'right' to make the decision to marry than a woman does. Why should he? And the marriage that follows it is infinitely more important.

Zazdar · 08/02/2022 09:44

No proposal should be a complete surprise.

No, but a full romantic proposal from the least romantic man you have ever met might be.

What are the cats for?

ChristinaXYZ · 08/02/2022 09:49

You need to talk to him and forget waiting for a proposal. Your clock is ticking in your thirties. If he is going to be off with you about not being ready then he could blow your chances of having a family. That's more important than experiencing a proposal.

As to the timing. It is either right or it is not. I think this thing about having to have known each other years and years is part of the extending adolescence that the under 35s seem to push. I was engaged after a few months and married 14 months after that, all before the age of 23. Still happily married, nearly 30 years. In the war people got married really quickly - many happy, many not, but I don't think the time thing matters that much. Certainly once you get past the 12 month dating mark clocking up further years before marriage does not make any difference.

Kittromney · 08/02/2022 09:50

@ClariceQuiff

It's another classic MN wedding misery competition, who can have the least exciting engagement, whose wedding can be the cheapest and have the lowest number of people there.

No - it's a sad indictment of our image-obsessed era that people judge a wedding that is modest in size and inexpensive as 'miserable' and an engagement as 'unexciting' unless it's accompanied by instagram-worthy fanfare.

I couldn't agree more.

I couldn't feel more privileged about the fact that I never had to play games or endless mental anxiety trying to read his mind and sitting tight waiting for a ring to land in my lap.

I think it was a mark of respect to me that when I mentioned I wanted to be married early in the relationship my DP didn't bat an eyelid. 2 years later I asked him how he felt about getting married in August. We bought rings together and cooked a lovely special dinner and told each other how excited we were.

We made the decision together, and to me that gives it more validity than any bling insta proposal that I have to wait for years for while my nerves fray and a ring I don't like.

As for the OP - Tell him you'd like to marry him, ask him if that's something he'd like too, and when. And then let him know you'd still like him to surprise you with a ring and a special moment? What's wrong with that?

RestingPandaFace · 08/02/2022 09:50

Marriage is one of the biggest financial and legal commitments you are ever going to sign and if you can’t have and open and honest conversation about it you shouldn’t be entering into the contract.

Sure the window dressing is lovely, but the core of it is a legal commitment that can change the course of your entire life.

I had a massive expensive white wedding with all the frills (literally) but we also had some serious talks about how it was going to work, what we wanted from our lives and what our shared priorities were.

By all means have the traditional wedding and the traditional proposal, but don’t forget that underneath all that you are signing a legal undertaking and you need to be able to talk about all the sensible stuff too.

EishetChayil · 08/02/2022 09:50

The old fashioned proposal has no place in modern society. A marriage is a contract; it should be discussed practically. No popping the question or asking the woman's father for permission. It isn't the 19th century anymore.

Bywayofanupdate · 08/02/2022 09:52

Would you break up with him if shis schedule wasn't aligned to yours? Honestly, I'd wait it out or ask him to marry you. If you give him a deadline the pressure might put him off (it would me)

scottishnames · 08/02/2022 09:54

GrendelsGrandma In fact, in the past, and awful lot - probably the majority - of marriages were arranged by parents for their children. It was not really the man's 'choice'; quite often, he was pushed into the arrangement.

There is, however, a lot of evidence, from as far back as the Middle Ages right up to the 20th cent, of men promising to marry a women to get her to agree to have sex with them. Then the men skipped away, leaving the woman holding the baby. People have complained about this for centuries. It was/ is not the same as a modern mock-traditional 'romantic' proposal.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 08/02/2022 09:55

Why can’t you just ask him? Why all the fannying about? If he says no, then you’ll know.

LillianGish · 08/02/2022 09:56

@OnTheBenchOfDoom

You are adults living together. You don’t need ‘proposals’ - you need a conversation, to agree where you are and when you’ll get married

This in spades. Dh and I talked marriage for the future, we moved in together on the understanding that for both of us it was a compatibility test, we had already done a trial run as a house sit for my sister. It was also understood that this would lead to an engagement and then a marriage shortly after.

There was no bit get down on one knee proposal. There were conversations and agreements and plans like what we wanted from life, what kind of wedding, how many children, how finances would work. I knew how he felt about me and I about him and he said shall we make it all official and go and buy a ring. I said yes, we bought a ring we were engaged. Now we may have made up some romantic story bullshit for the parents but the truth is there wasn't one. We have been happily married over 20 years.

Movies, tv shows always portray this like the woman is completely taken by surprise, there is this big get down on one knee bit, there might even be a flash mob, friends or family involved etc. Sometimes it is an honest conversation.

What do you envisage your proposal to be? Does he know what you expect? Why do you want him to propose? You do need to talk timescales. I would go with the how would you feel about getting married next year etc.

This! In my experience those with the most spectacular proposals (and weddings for that matter) do not necessarily go on to have the strongest marriages (or even make it to the altar in one case among my acquaintances). Marriage (as distinct from the wedding) is really such an intimate thing about how you envision sharing your life together (it always amazes me when couples haven’t discussed whether or when they want children for instance and how that’s going to work). True romance doesn’t need all the trappings (though it’s nice to have some, but all the more lovely when it’s not just for show).

ChargingBuck · 08/02/2022 09:57

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

Oh dear.

So ...this proposal must come from DP, or the sky will fall down.
But it's ok for you to manoeuvre, hint, plan & engineer DP into doing it?

Just so long as the words come out of his mouth, & not yours?

& it's ok for you to give an ultimatum & force a deadline ... but the words "DP I love you let's get married"? cannot pass your lips?

ancientgran · 08/02/2022 10:00

@parietal

so you've discuss marriage & you both want to marry each other? sounds to me like you are nearly engaged.

do you expect a big 'event' proposal with a special location and a ring etc? have you got something booked for valentines day? If that doesn't happen, then yes do set a deadline and move on to planning a wedding.

a proposal really doesn't need to be a big deal. my DH produced a ring (which I'd already seen) when I was busy putting up curtains in our new flat & I didn't even pay attention to him. but we are still married.

I agree they sound like they are engaged.

I've been married twice and never had a "proposal" we just talked about the future, planned what we were going to do. It seems the adult thing to do.

wannabeamummysobad · 08/02/2022 10:04

@Zazdar

No proposal should be a complete surprise.

No, but a full romantic proposal from the least romantic man you have ever met might be.

What are the cats for?

The cats are because I felt you made a catty comment.

I just don't agree with you. What if you didn't want to marry? What if he proposed on date 2- would that have been romantic? The answer is no. Your perception gives women no autonomy so personally I think it's cringe. Each to their own I guess but as an adult fully informed woman I think I too should have a say in how my life progresses.

MulticolourTulips · 08/02/2022 10:06

it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience

It's only a special moment in films or books, or if you're not expecting it.
I don't think it's a special moment if you've contrived it yourself.

TabithaHazel · 08/02/2022 10:06

@Teqillatey

I completely appreciate that of course women can propose to their male partners and it doesn’t have to be led by the male, but we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal and it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience.

it’s a special moment id like to have the chance to experience

It's not really going to be a special moment if you have strong armed him into it. If you want to wait for a proposal then you have to accept it is on his timeframe. I do agree with you - you are in your 30s and have been together a while, so it makes sense to get married sooner than later if that's what you both want - but it doesn't seem that is what he does want as if he did you would be engaged by now.

Harrysmummy246 · 08/02/2022 10:06

@Teqillatey

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

Was 9 years before now DH and I were engaged. Had we previously talked about it? Yes. Was he ready? no. For various complicated reasons. Did I doubt his commitment? no

TatianaBis · 08/02/2022 10:07

In that case tradition necessitates waiting for something that might never come. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Pinkyantelope · 08/02/2022 10:09

@Crowdfundingforcake

Surely if you give him any kind of ultimatum the spontaneity and 'romance' goes out the window. If your DP wants to be the person who initiates the proposal and you want the opportunity to have a 'traditional' proposal then you're just going to have to wait.

Or you could just have a conversation about getting married and take it from there.

Marriage is not about romance and spontaneity though, although the wedding might be. You're talking about planning a whole future together. If you can't talk about what you want for the future, how will you talk about all the other things that come up, like children, where to live, jobs, splitting of domestic tasks, finances, all the important things that become massive once the initial romance has worn off?

AlbertBridge · 08/02/2022 10:09

If you're "really traditional", why did you move in with him after just 6 months of dating? 😬 Moving in almost always delays a proposal, and takes away all your leverage, so I can see why you're getting antsy. I'd give it another 6 months then if he still hasn't done it, I'd move out. Don't stay without a ring.

Good luck.

VikingOnTheFridge · 08/02/2022 10:10

Watch out though, tradition has a knack of prioritising men's wants and needs. Because it gives all the power to men. As you are seemingly both happy and not happy to do.

Yep!

Kelly7889 · 08/02/2022 10:13

Two years certainly isn't enough to know a person inside out and know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. It isn't until you have been through sickness, tragedy, bereavement, unemployment or similar mass upheaval together until you really know a person.

Also, if you are living together, you aren't at all "traditional".

SoManyTshirts · 08/02/2022 10:14

Like a pp I’ve been married three times and whilst technically had a proposal each time, it certainly wasn’t a big theatrical moment for any of them. One bought the ring first, and I hated it on sight.

I’m too old fashioned to live together or sacrifice my independence before marriage.