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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give DP a deadline for the proposal

380 replies

Teqillatey · 07/02/2022 23:25

DP and I have been together for 18 months, lived together for a year and are both extremely happy. We’ve discussed our future a lot and both agree that marriage is important to us and something we want in our future and DP will often make references to “when we get married” and so on.

We are both in our 30s and both spent years in a bad long term relationship before we met, so I’m now at the stage where I don’t want to waste any more time and would like full commitment and to settle down. I’m of the view that 2 years together should be more than enough time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody and personally I’m not keen on waiting much longer than that for a proposal. DP’s good friend recently proposed to his partner of 1 year and DP mentioned to me how soon he felt it was, which concerns me that our expectations may not be aligned.

Would it be too pushy and wrong of me to discuss my timescales and expectations in terms of the 2 year rule or do I have to shut up and wait it out?

OP posts:
USaYwHatNow · 08/02/2022 07:33

I understand where you're coming from and also understand the whole 'wanting the guy to propose'.

My now husband is military, and when we bought our house and moved in together, I explained how keen I was to start a family. He is also pretty traditional, and wanted us to be married before we had children. We met and bought our house in 2016, got engaged in 2018 and married in 2019.

I am massively of the opinion though, that if a guy wants to get on and do it then he will, but 18 months together on paper seems like a short amount of time but when I think about it we were together for 2 years 🤔

On the flip side, a friend of mine has been with her partner for 5 years, bought a house and she has been 'hinting' for ages, to the point where she is starting to limit her expectations and its getting a bit sad

Furbulousnous · 08/02/2022 07:35

I would propose to him. But only if you thought he would say yes! Because if he says no then what? I was the one who proposed but I didn’t think for a second that DP would say no…

Takeitonthechin · 08/02/2022 07:37

Why would he want to marry you, he's got everything he needs except the the marriage certificate. You've given him it on a plate.

he may propose this Valentine's Day , you've not long to wait!
I think you're going to make this into an issue and end up ruining the relationship if your not careful

Furbulousnous · 08/02/2022 07:38

I don’t think he wants to marry you, or perhaps marry at all. At your age you’ ee been together long enough.
And giving him a ‘deadline’ to propose to you by is in itself a proposal anyway so why not just make it nicer by telling man that you love that you him and want to marry him, so would be like to marry you. You can skip the getting down on one knee bit…

FirewomanSam · 08/02/2022 07:38

OP, this isn’t the place to ask this question. MN is really weird about proposals and, as you’ve seen, people will give you facetious answers about how you’re ‘already engaged’ if you have a single conversation about how you would like to be married.

In the real world of course couples have conversations about hypothetically maybe getting married some day, and that is an entirely different thing to actually getting engaged and beginning to plan a wedding together.

In the real world many, many people live together and still do the whole proposal thing. It’s entirely normal and you’re not unreasonable to want it. Ignore those who say otherwise.

To answer your actual question, honestly I think 18 months is early to be giving your partner ultimatums about marriage. I think you can have a serious conversation where you make it clear that marriage is non-negotiable for you, and you want to be married by X date/age (say 3 years time) and does that align with where he sees things going? If he says yes and he’s on the same page and you trust him then you need to put it out of your mind and give him time to propose (since that’s how you both want to do it). If he squirms and says he’s not sure and why is marriage such a big deal… then maybe you need to have a serious conversation about whether he’s as committed as you are.

But personally I think if things are going well and you seem to be on the same page so far then I would give it another year or so and see how things play out. I think you might be jumping the gun getting worked up about marriage so early on.

Luredbyapomegranate · 08/02/2022 07:39

@Teqillatey

Appreciate your comments. I really didn’t want this post to turn in to a thread about how women shouldn’t wait for the man to propose! I’m well aware it’s perfectly acceptable either way but it’s just not something I’m looking to do personally. Whether I meet your idea of “traditional” due to the fact I already live with my partner is besides the point.
Ok so this bit is unreasonable!

If you want a big proposal moment then yes you’ll have to wait, because that’s not something you can strong arm someone into - it won’t give you the moment you want if you’ve engineered it.

But honestly you’ve been suckered by SM and romcoms here - that sort of proposal is vanishingly rare, especially for older couples who live together.

You gotta work with where you are, so do that.

DrSbaitso · 08/02/2022 07:40

I don't think women wait for proposals because they're traditional. They do it because then it feels like proof that he really wants to do it and is choosing it and is all in.

It's not a bad measure, either. Men who want to be married to a woman do tend to try to make it happen.

But you should still be able to discuss it.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 08/02/2022 07:41

Well in my immediate family:
GM and GF quick wedding as war was declared engagement of days-weeks
DM and DF married in 1971 had known each other less than 6m engagement ring bought after the wedding as they had no money
DB and DSIL- told none got married on holiday suspect planned for a few weeks, no ring no fuss
Me and DH I asked him when DS was 18m married 6 weeks later.

No one waiting around no big proposal no huge 1yr in the planning wedding.

RedRobin100 · 08/02/2022 07:42

I don’t think the OP ever said she wanted the “down on one knee Instagram proposal with the big white fluffy wedding and huge sparkler diamond ring” - she simply said she didn’t want to propose to her boyfriend, so I don’t know why so many folk are conflating her issue.

It’s perfectly possible to have the conversations about what your wants and expectations out of a relationship are, make sure you’re aligned, and then wait for the man to do the proposing (knowing that in your head you have a timeframe that is acceptable to you).

Is that not sensible for a woman in her 30s? Does there not come a point when “romance” needs to take a back seat over practicality and sensibility?

What if you’re waiting waiting waiting for the romance and it never comes? Beating in mind the OP is not prepared to do the proposing herself - which is fine, I know most women wouldn’t so BS to all those who say they it’s perfectly normal).

OP, have the frank and open conversation with him first. You’re not quite at ultimatum stage just yet - but be honest with him that you don’t want to hang about. If he’s on the same page, fab! If he explains he needs more time and his reasons are ok with you, you may have to give him that time, if you feel he’s entirely non-committal and might never get there - then You have a decision to make.

twominutesmore · 08/02/2022 07:44

I think if he wanted to do it, he'd have done it by now.

He knows you want it, he says he wants it, you've been together long enough, so there is nothing to stop him really.

But on the assumption that it's just around the corner and he's already eyeing up rings, you could always initiate a conversation about it. It doesn't have to be a deadline or an ultimatum, just a conversation to make your feelings known. If he hasn't acted in six months, he's not going to.

RedRobin100 · 08/02/2022 07:44

And apologies for the horrendous grammar..

SoupDragon · 08/02/2022 07:46

MN is really weird about proposals

It isn't - it is just real people expressing their opinion. Often with things that people wouldn't say to your face but which are nevertheless true.

Supersimkin2 · 08/02/2022 07:47

What Drsbaitso said. Men who want to marry you ask you to marry them.

Anniegetyourgun76 · 08/02/2022 07:48

Justtellhim whatyouwant, if he wants the same he'll jumpon board. My DH used to say things about us being married all the time when we got together, at 2 years in I told him we were going shopping one Saturday so he could buy me a ring (which we did) so we could be married before the end of the year (which we did). We've been married 10 years now but if I'd waited for him to get round to it I'd still be waiting xx

Suprima · 08/02/2022 07:49

I completely agree with you that 18 months - 2 years is long enough for a bloke to make his mind up. Any later and you’re fallback girl tbh, assuming you aren’t very young and waiting to get married a bit later for valid reasons.

However, you have asked for a proposal now and told him that you want to marry him. He knows he’s got you know, and you most likely aren’t going to leave him- so the dragging heels may continue.

Anniegetyourgun76 · 08/02/2022 07:52

Although I was so keen to get married I ended up choosing a ring I didn't really like on that Saturday shopping trip so DH had to take me back the following week to change it when I decided I couldn't live with it for the rest of my life 🙃😅

Mummytobe93 · 08/02/2022 07:56

If you’re both in the same page then he should know you’re ready without the ultimatum.

I didn’t have a big proposal moment, we simply talked about our plans for the future, kids etc and then it literally went like this:
Me: “when do you want to have kids?”
DP: “whenever you’re ready”
Me: “ok… what about getting married then”
DP: “same, I love you and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you”
Me:” ok then, how about next year?”
DP:”done”
That was literally it 😂we went to pick up my engagement ring couple of weeks after that and DP became DH a year after the conversation.

Did I have the “down on one knee” moment? No. Did I care? Not really, our “proposal” lacked the element of surprise I suppose, but it doesn’t matter in the hand sight. What matters is that two people understand the consequences of getting married and are ready to become husband and wife.
Some people aren’t, and it’s fine.

If you REALLY want something you’re better off laying your cards on the table now, as it MIGHT be (which obviously I hope not) that you aren’t on the same page and then you have to make a decision whether your happy to compromise and wait or move on.

VikingOnTheFridge · 08/02/2022 07:57

In the real world many, many people live together and still do the whole proposal thing. It’s entirely normal and you’re not unreasonable to want it. Ignore those who say otherwise.

I think the point most people are making isn't that there's anything wrong with living together before marriage and having a formal proposal. It's that if you are cohabiting, you demonstrably aren't that traditional. So passively waiting in the belief you're being old school is at odds with the way you're living the rest of your life.

AllOfUsAreDead · 08/02/2022 07:57

@DrSbaitso

If it's such a good relationship, you should be able to discuss it.

we both have very traditional backgrounds and values, so DP would absolutely want to be the person to initiate any proposal

This is a bit worrying, though. Every time we have this issue, everyone's suddenly very traditional...

But it's not really surprising. Look how many women come on here complaining that their husband or partner never helps with housework or childcare. Bet they are also very traditional men too that had to be the ones to propose.

It's still a fairly new thing for men to do those things, and many don't and have grown up not expecting to have to help out.

Op will be back on here in 3-5 years I bet whining that he doesn't help out. Probably doesn't now but she expects that will change when the babies arrive.

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2022 07:58

You need to talk and not set deadlines. I wouldn't be setting dates for proposal I would be having a discussion about when you would like to be married - takes pressure off proposing.

MintyGreenDream · 08/02/2022 08:01

Why would you want to reason and cajole someone into marrying you?

Lalliella · 08/02/2022 08:02

If you’re going to give him an ultimatum what will you say to him? Propose by X date or I’m dumping you? Being emotionally blackmailed into proposing - how romantic!

Crayzeefrog · 08/02/2022 08:07

These threads always turn into a pile on of people saying you shouldn’t wait for him to propose, it won’t be special as you already live together, you shouldn’t be marrying someone you cant have this conversation with etc etc. Its MN bingo.

As you’ve already stated YOU want to experience a special proposal moment and you know DP well enough to know he will be keen to do that then none of it is relevant.

I don’t think you can ‘set him a deadline’ as that takes away the special moment too. You don’t want to feel like you have rushed him into it. However when you talk about future plans for kids, buying houses etc you can say that you would definitely want to be married before considering these things so he knows what page you are on. You can also talk about wanting kids before a certain age

Marmm · 08/02/2022 08:12

shouldn’t be marrying someone you cant have this conversation with that's because she shouldnt

FirewomanSam · 08/02/2022 08:14

I think if he wanted to do it, he'd have done it by now.

At 18 months? Really? I’d understand these kind of comments if they’d been together 5 years but to me 18 months is nothing.

Everyone has different experiences though. Amongst my friends I can only think of one couple who got engaged that soon and they were very religious. Everyone else got engaged somewhere between 3 and 6 years (with the timelines shortening as we got older).