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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends hours every day playing computer games

107 replies

moggiemillie · 06/02/2022 12:57

AIBU?

DH and I have been together for 11 years, living together for 9 years, married for 3. He's always been really into computer games but recently it has really started to bother me - he literally spends hours every day in the corner of our lounge transfixed to his PC, clicking away with his headphones on.

If I need to converse with him I have to give him notice so he can get to a 'safe' bit of the game to stop. If I suggest doing something together then he'll happily do it, but it rarely happens the other way round. If I ask him to do something around the house (why is it always on me to spot what needs to be done 🙄), then he'll happily do it, but then goes straight back to his gaming chair. It could be a glorious day outside but if it's sunny he shuts the curtains as he can't see the screen if it's too bright - and he would spend all day like that given the opportunity. I have said to him before that he does it too much but he says something like 'if I was reading books would you say if was too much', and he has a point - I probably wouldn't - but at least that would feel like a good use of time.

He's not harming me or anyone else, I just feel very irritated by it right now, so please tell me if IAMBU

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 06/02/2022 13:00

He prefers playing games to spending his free time with you.
YANBU I would feel awful

DoubleGauze · 06/02/2022 13:03

I guess it depends what you mean by 'hours' and also , if in enjoying his hobby so much he's checking out of family life and letting you do most of the household stuff.

How do you think he'd react to agreeing on each having your own hobby time in the evening after dinner and washing up is done? But I'd only suggest this if he is genuinely unable to self regulate though.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/02/2022 13:05

My partner is not a game devotee... But left to his own devices he's welded to hus laptop... Bloody antisocial.

We dealt with it by having a time limit.... And then literally timetabling time for him to 'mess around on the computer' (fun stuff rather thab work). Im completely ok with 5 mins of checking news on his mobile... But not... 'Im spending every waking minute plugged in.'

When they cant be trusted to linit their asocial games... You need to agree a limit!

firstimemamma · 06/02/2022 13:07

Yanbu that's frustrating! Do you have children? If so then it's even more unacceptable. I know you have tried speaking to him but I'd just keep trying. Sometimes men just need to be told it straight! My dh used to enjoy dates but it was always me who initiated things and it really affected me (not the same as your problem I appreciate). I really laid all my cards on the table and made it very clear we should really take it in turns to ask each other out and now at last the balance has been restored and I'm so much happier. Your dh has to be the one to listen to you and try to change and that's the tricky bit though - there's only so much u can do.

CyberNan · 06/02/2022 13:09

oh gawd... it must be like having a big child in the house...

it may not be harming you or anyone else but it is certainly holding you both back... computer games are such a waste of time.. a bit like posting on MN i guess, but i do this once every three months, not several hours every day...

SC215 · 06/02/2022 13:09

You've basically described my teenage nephew, he's 14.

YANBU. Sounds like a miserable way to live, tiptoeing around to wait for a break to be able to speak to him, and having to prompt him to do stuff around the house.

Everyone needs a hobby, but spending hours on it at a time would make me feel like he preferred to live in a fantasy world rather than with me.

T00Ts · 06/02/2022 13:13

How grim to have to apply the methods you’d use to limit a child’s screen time to your husband…

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/02/2022 13:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 13:16

I don't think the issue is the video games, as such. It's that he doesn't do anything without being asked, like a lazy teenager.

I imagine if he chose to spend some of his time doing quality things with you, and made the effort to get his share of the housework done before playing, it wouldn't bother you as much.

FabriqueBelgique · 06/02/2022 13:17

My DP is like this, except will do his jobs first and he has chronic pain so I can’t really moan - but I still feel like I have a child for a partner when he’s excited about “Achievements”. I can’t get my head round it. They’re not bloody real! All seems pointless to me.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 13:21

It depends whether he’s lacking in other areas.

Does he work?
Do you have children that he pulls his weight with?

I would definitely speak to him about how it’s not fair that you have to ask him to do something but other than that this is his hobby and I don’t think you should dictate what his hobby is.

A lot of men do golf, bike riding etc which means they’re out of the house a lot.
I think you need to get your own hobby so you can also be busy.

Ivyonafence · 06/02/2022 13:24

If he was reading books:

  • he could hear what was going on
  • you wouldn't need to wait for a 'safe' part to speak to your own husband
  • he wouldn't be sitting in the dark on a sunny day
-he could do it outside, on a park bench among other more social activities -he could do it on his commute instead of it eating away at your family time
  • he could do an audiobook and Hoover or do the dishes at the same time
-it would be a different book every few weeks and he'd have something potentially interesting to talk about with you- not just clacking away at the same game.

Furthermore if he was obsessively reading books and not bothered to participate in his own marriage and home then it would be a problem!

I could go on.

I bloody hate these man-children who game and then act like their victims of discrimination because people don't rate their hobby.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/02/2022 13:27

Yanbu. Do you have children or plan any? Wrt if it were books, you'd still feel frustrated if the onus was always on you to spot what needs doing/fixing etc. Does he work?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 13:29

I bloody hate these man-children who game and then act like their victims of discrimination because people don't rate their hobby.

Where is he asking OP to "rate his hobby"?

Valhalla17 · 06/02/2022 13:30

What do you mean by "hours" and do you have any hobbies OP?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 13:33

FGS, don't have kids with him. Aren't you bored to death of him?

Ivyonafence · 06/02/2022 13:34

@fairylightsandwaxmelts he's implying her concerns aren't valid because she wouldn't complain if he was reading books. Hes suggested she's being treated unfairly because it's gaming not reading.

That's how I interpreted the OP, happy to be corrected if I'm wrong

Momicrone · 06/02/2022 13:35

To the pps who say its no worse than books, that's bollocks, my kids don't come out of a session of reading looking wild eyed and twitchy. Just because you're playing with your mates, its not sociable to the people you live with.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2022 13:36

He just sounds dull and uninterested in you. I'd suggest a trial separation, see what life is like without living with someone who (a) ignores you for most of the time and (b) doesn't have to be allocated tasks like they are an employee in their own lives.

Kuachui · 06/02/2022 13:36

okay i agree too much BUT why on earth would reading a book be worth more time than playing a game, atleast alot of the time in a game your socialising.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 13:38

[quote Ivyonafence]@fairylightsandwaxmelts he's implying her concerns aren't valid because she wouldn't complain if he was reading books. Hes suggested she's being treated unfairly because it's gaming not reading.

That's how I interpreted the OP, happy to be corrected if I'm wrong [/quote]
But that doesn't mean he's forcing her to approve of his hobby, does it?

He's just saying that if he spent the same amount of time doing something more "wholesome", OP probably wouldn't be moaning, even if it took up the same amount of time.

The problem (to me) seems to be that he doesn't offer to do anything with OP and doesn't do his fair share of housework unless he's asked first, but that would be an issue regardless of what his hobby was.

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/02/2022 13:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

burnoutbabe · 06/02/2022 13:40

thats me this weekend. I have a new game i REALLY WANT TO PLAY and am itching to get back to it.

But i do need to study for my masters.

(I am 48)

If my partner said i needed to spend more time not gaming and just being with them, i'd wonder what on earth they wanted me to do. get your own hobbies! (and he seems happy to go out when you suggest things etc)

So this is what he wants to do. Either accept it or leave him.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 13:40

@Momicrone

To the pps who say its no worse than books, that's bollocks, my kids don't come out of a session of reading looking wild eyed and twitchy. Just because you're playing with your mates, its not sociable to the people you live with.
Reading isn't sociable to the people you live with either, though Confused
WizardOfAus · 06/02/2022 13:41

'Men' like this are so dull.

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