Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends hours every day playing computer games

107 replies

moggiemillie · 06/02/2022 12:57

AIBU?

DH and I have been together for 11 years, living together for 9 years, married for 3. He's always been really into computer games but recently it has really started to bother me - he literally spends hours every day in the corner of our lounge transfixed to his PC, clicking away with his headphones on.

If I need to converse with him I have to give him notice so he can get to a 'safe' bit of the game to stop. If I suggest doing something together then he'll happily do it, but it rarely happens the other way round. If I ask him to do something around the house (why is it always on me to spot what needs to be done 🙄), then he'll happily do it, but then goes straight back to his gaming chair. It could be a glorious day outside but if it's sunny he shuts the curtains as he can't see the screen if it's too bright - and he would spend all day like that given the opportunity. I have said to him before that he does it too much but he says something like 'if I was reading books would you say if was too much', and he has a point - I probably wouldn't - but at least that would feel like a good use of time.

He's not harming me or anyone else, I just feel very irritated by it right now, so please tell me if IAMBU

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 15:03

If you don’t have children and he chooses to spend his free time playing then I’d say that’s absolutely fine.

If he took up golf would that be better?
Is it the time he’s doing with his hobby or the type of hobby you have a problem with?

FFSFFSFFS · 06/02/2022 15:07

It’s an addiction like any other addiction

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2022 15:07

@fairylightsandwaxmelts we are not disagreeing. It could be gaming, stamp collecting, tiddlywinks or growing vegetable marrows. OP is unhappy, her H doesn't care and just wants to be left alone to his hobby while she runs their live for them.

dreamingbohemian · 06/02/2022 15:18

I don't think the situation is hopeless, if he's always happy to step away from gaming when you want to do something or things need to be done around the house. That's very different from the posts you see on here where men refuse to step away from gaming at all.

But, I think it's understandable that you feel resentful that you are the one always having to prompt him to step away. So my advice is to change that dynamic by:

  1. Having regular days/times of the week where you always do things together (e.g. Tuesday night dinners, Sunday afternoon walks)
  1. Do a cleaning rota and perhaps even a regular time of the week where you blitz the house together

If this doesn't improve anything then maybe do some serious thinking about the relationship.

dreamingbohemian · 06/02/2022 15:23

I always find it hilarious that MN is so anti-gaming and then you see huge threads devoted to Real Housewives and reality TV bullshit and mindless chick lit series, not to mention clearly some people spend hours a day on here.

Meanwhile some of the most popular games are far more creative and intellectually stimulating than probably 80% of pop culture. But people never bother to learn this because it's easier to just generalise that all gaming is stupid and mindless.

DoubleGauze · 06/02/2022 15:30

I don't think 2 hours a day doing something you enjoy is too much. I can easily watch 2 hours of TV in the evening , or do two hours of sewing.

I do think you need to talk to him about having him plan dates and days out for the both of you though. If he lacks the motivation to do these things for you I'd question whether he can cope with doing things for a child without prompting.

And I agree with pps that have said that the word gaming can be replaced with any other hobby. A cyclist is no more exciting than a gamer!

Tsuni · 06/02/2022 15:33

@CyberNan

oh gawd... it must be like having a big child in the house...

it may not be harming you or anyone else but it is certainly holding you both back... computer games are such a waste of time.. a bit like posting on MN i guess, but i do this once every three months, not several hours every day...

Is watching TV also a waste of time?
coodawoodashooda · 06/02/2022 15:54

But if you watch tv you are still present in the room.

TinySaltLick · 06/02/2022 16:02

The average amount of TV watched per day by adults in the UK is over 3 hours, so no I don't think it is an excessive amount - especially for something interactive

D0lphine · 06/02/2022 16:03

I'm really in 2 minds about this.

On one hand you guys are child free for the time being and so 2 hours per day doing something you enjoy doesn't seem unreasonable provided he is doing household chores / work and is spending some time with you.

Also video games are a pretty harmless stress relief activity- fertility treatments can be so stressful. It's better than other vices is what I'm saying!

Also you knew he was a gamer when you married him and I guess that's kids of what you signed up to.

On the other hand having to wait to speak to him is a bit much! I would find that a bit disrespectful. He also needs to spend time with you too!

Could you speak to him, and ask for regular full day when you go on a day out at the weekend? Or "book in" some time to go on a date night?

So for example you could say on Sundays you'd like to spend all day on a walk / day out/ brunch and movie and then every Wednesday you'd like to cook together with no screens and sit and eat a nice dinner together at the table?

M0RVEN · 06/02/2022 16:08

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Never in the history of women hoping men would change once the baby arrived has a single man changed when the baby arrived.

Are you absolutely sure you want children with this man as he treats you now. Because he. Will. Not. Change.

Wise words
Snaketime · 06/02/2022 17:17

@Leighcloon I read actual books that I hold in my hands and turn the pages.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 17:26

@coodawoodashooda

But if you watch tv you are still present in the room.
Are you?

I vividly remember growing up with a dad who wouldn't let you interrupt his evening TV time unless your leg was hanging off.

Any hobby can be immersive and addictive and can take you away from family life - it's really not something that's unique to gaming.

Momicrone · 06/02/2022 17:30

Cuno, glad you find my description of how my kids get when gaming so hilarious

Momicrone · 06/02/2022 17:31

Grapesaremyjam, I don't know what rpg or open world means

Momicrone · 06/02/2022 17:32

Sitting in a room with someone reading a book is a lot more pleasant and chilled than some playing a game

burnoutbabe · 06/02/2022 17:48

@Momicrone

Sitting in a room with someone reading a book is a lot more pleasant and chilled than some playing a game
My poor boyfriend then, after posting in this thread i decided 2 hours of master level reading was enough so spent 3 hours playing assassins creed :D with him coding / Doing some important business work in the background.

Mlost games you can pause at any time to discuss something with your partner. But then some games you can not, online matches mostly. You'd be killed if you just stopped playing/let down the team.

But then I imagine most of us also wouldn't like someone coming up to us during a tense tV show - the final 10 mins of Line of Duty and demanding immediate response to some question about the bins.

crazyjinglist · 06/02/2022 18:03

Sitting in a room with someone reading a book is a lot more pleasant and chilled than some playing a game.

I quite like it Grin. I'm sitting here knitting (and occasionally MNing) while dh appears to be fighting some kind of giant spider. his armour looks pretty cool. Oh... he died. He doesn't have the sound up very high, so it's not particularly intrusive.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/02/2022 18:19

@burnoutbabe

well as well as gaming, i also love reading. When i got the new Harry Potter i sat and read it solidly that day, brief break for dinner.

Would have been equally hacked off if ANYONE had been moaning "oh come and spend time with me"

Yed but presumably you're not obsessively reading a new book every minute of the day?
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 18:20

@Momicrone

Sitting in a room with someone reading a book is a lot more pleasant and chilled than some playing a game
In your opinion, maybe.

For many people, there's no difference either way.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/02/2022 18:25

@sparklyponies

I left my ex when the children were 3 & 5 because of this. He worked part time to give him more time to game, and all childcare was based on my work hours, so he never had the children. He spent all the time in his games room, including eating, and no time with the family. He then won court ordered contact and so DS has had about 7 years of weekends of spending the entire time gaming. DS has now been diagnosed with a gaming addiction, with severe issues around emotions and affecting his education.
This...

If youre serious OP about havubf kids woth this man...

Get him to severely limit his gaming NOW.... If he can't di this, how do you think he'll do it wheb a baby is here?

My guess is... He's already addicted to gaming?

OnaBegonia · 06/02/2022 18:31

@crazyjinglist
Me too, I read and DP plays with headset on, doesn't shout, perfectly compatible hobbies.

Mummytobe93 · 06/02/2022 18:37

My DH loves his gaming, and I don’t mind as long as he doesn’t get too worked up over FIFA(getting angry at opponents, commenting etc). I’m scared the neighbours will think he’s talking to me! 😂

He does his share of housework, cooking etc And if I need his attention or want to watch something together he priorities me over the game so I can’t really complain. If he plays for hrs when I’m not there then so be it

coodawoodashooda · 06/02/2022 20:01

The computer game is designed to keep you there.

likeafishneedsabike · 06/02/2022 20:44

I know next to nothing about gaming. No one in my family games so I can’t really comment. What I will say is that when you have children, you end up in your house together a lot and depend on eachother for company to a large extent. There isn’t the freedom to go out socialising in the same way. Unfortunately, it does sound like this man could be a bore to be at home with. Chilling at home with the baby/babies can be lovely but not if the other parent inhabits a different world.