DH spends hours every day playing computer games

[moggiemillie]

AIBU?

DH and I have been together for 11 years, living together for 9 years, married for 3. He's always been really into computer games but recently it has really started to bother me - he literally spends hours every day in the corner of our lounge transfixed to his PC, clicking away with his headphones on.

If I need to converse with him I have to give him notice so he can get to a 'safe' bit of the game to stop. If I suggest doing something together then he'll happily do it, but it rarely happens the other way round. If I ask him to do something around the house (why is it always on me to spot what needs to be done 🙄), then he'll happily do it, but then goes straight back to his gaming chair. It could be a glorious day outside but if it's sunny he shuts the curtains as he can't see the screen if it's too bright - and he would spend all day like that given the opportunity. I have said to him before that he does it too much but he says something like 'if I was reading books would you say if was too much', and he has a point - I probably wouldn't - but at least that would feel like a good use of time.

He's not harming me or anyone else, I just feel very irritated by it right now, so please tell me if IAMBU

I find some of the responses here baffling.

OP outlines her concerns about her DH not pulling his weight around the house, expecting her to organise their lives, barely communicating due to the fact he's regularly gaming.

Cue 50 posters gleefully screeching that they or their DH game for HOURS every day and it has no impact on them, their health, or their relationship. Gaming is GREAT.

How do comments like that help the OP? Are you trying to suggest she lighten up and ignore the fact her partner's absent behavior makes her upset? And why can't you understand your personal positive gaming experience has no bearing or relevance to how the OP feels in her own relationship?

No one cares if YOUR husband games for 20 hours a day, but still cooks, cleans, does laundry, goes for a bike ride and hikes. Your husband is not in a relationship with the OP.

@GrapesAreMyJam

I think regardless of his hobby it would be an issue.

If it's affecting you and the relationship then he needs to cut back a bit. But it would be the same no matter what hobby he has.

I'm the gamer in the family. When it's just me in the house for the weekends or a day, it's all I do. My friends are in different countries but we talk and spend time together gaming. I only ever go on in the evenings if it's clear that we have no other plans, or DP wants to go out and do something with his friends.

Gaming isn't as antisocial as people think and reading isn't a better use of time. Gaming (most games anyway) you still follow a story, immerse yourself in the story.

In many games there are stories to follow, as DS 14 does this. It's as worthwhile as reading a book.

@PorpoiseWithPurpose

People are just pointing out that it's not the hobby that's the issue - it's the fact that her 'D'H appears to have totally checked out.

@Momicrone

Cuno, glad you find my description of how my kids get when gaming so hilarious

Well yes, because it's so ridiculous and exaggerated, and only on Mumsnet do people say such bollocks.

OP, have you had a serious conversation about what his expectations are around gaming when the baby arrives?

Does he expect to continue on with his hobby with no change? Or does he understand that new parents don't get to spend hours a week indulging themselves in a hobby at the expense of the other parent? Have that argument now before you are pregnant and it's too late.

And I don't agree with PPs comparing gaming to reading a book or watching TV. It's well documented that the brains response to gaming is more intense than those activities. It's well documented that it's can be a serious form of clinical addiction, in a way that reading books (in the centuries our brains have been dealing with them) have never become.

It's like drinking, if you can have the odd glass of wine and enjoy it and the rest of your world and relationships are operating as they should- good for you. It doesn't mean that everyone has a good experience with alcohol, or that alcohol isn't dangerous and destructive to many.

Cuno, oh no I say it in real life as well, it's not bollocks if it's true

He's currently willing to help out when he's asked and that's well and good for now (as I think the frequency of you asking him is probably quite low). Once you have children, a very young newborn in the house, that frequency will increase and he can't make you wait till he reaches a safe bit in the game either.

When he realises it's 'eating into his daily 'me time' he will do his share begrudgingly and resentfully. He will struggle to give up his gaming hours and will take his frustration out on you. I have nephews in their 20s who are gamers and while they're very pleasant young men I've seen them over the years being grouchy and moody when things haven't gone quite to plan in their gaming world 🙄.