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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH spends hours every day playing computer games

107 replies

moggiemillie · 06/02/2022 12:57

AIBU?

DH and I have been together for 11 years, living together for 9 years, married for 3. He's always been really into computer games but recently it has really started to bother me - he literally spends hours every day in the corner of our lounge transfixed to his PC, clicking away with his headphones on.

If I need to converse with him I have to give him notice so he can get to a 'safe' bit of the game to stop. If I suggest doing something together then he'll happily do it, but it rarely happens the other way round. If I ask him to do something around the house (why is it always on me to spot what needs to be done 🙄), then he'll happily do it, but then goes straight back to his gaming chair. It could be a glorious day outside but if it's sunny he shuts the curtains as he can't see the screen if it's too bright - and he would spend all day like that given the opportunity. I have said to him before that he does it too much but he says something like 'if I was reading books would you say if was too much', and he has a point - I probably wouldn't - but at least that would feel like a good use of time.

He's not harming me or anyone else, I just feel very irritated by it right now, so please tell me if IAMBU

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/02/2022 13:41

@WonderfulYou

It depends whether he’s lacking in other areas.

Does he work?
Do you have children that he pulls his weight with?

I would definitely speak to him about how it’s not fair that you have to ask him to do something but other than that this is his hobby and I don’t think you should dictate what his hobby is.

A lot of men do golf, bike riding etc which means they’re out of the house a lot.
I think you need to get your own hobby so you can also be busy.

Yes... But surely this completely depends on the AMOUNT of time they spend doing it...(also finances).

My partner spends probably 5/6 hours weekly biking.... Which i like... As it's healthy/and gets him away from laptops /work/tv...
But this does NOT cut into OUR time... He rides for couple of hours Sunday whilst I'm catching up with pals...

And the odd hour during the week when I'm either reading/ or out.

In sharp contrast to my DF where his hobbies had a massive impact on us /my poor mum...
Eg out 3 nights a week between 5 and midnight... Away MANY weekends, think 2 or 3 monthly....Where he was teaching /training in his niche sport...

All these hobbies were out of house... And the weekends were at a distance, so lots of 400 mile round trips at weekends. Where he was teaching /training his niche sport...

The other impact apart from his absense...

When he was at home he was permanently knackered/bad tempered... The few nights he was in monthly... He was asleep in his chair or on the phone sorting out detail about his hobbies.

This was my entire childhood/young adulthood.

Whenever my mum asked him to spend some tine with us... He always retorted... These dates have been booked for two years....'Im committed to it'.

Sadly maby years later, im not exactly sure where his commitment to his family was. Hmm

Now, years later it has really really inpacted his r/s with us (adult) kids.

He doesn't know us despite officially livibg ib the same house as us for 18+ years... His memories that he talks of often, never includes us(although he confabulates)... When i took you to x or Y.... No dad you went there with ramdom person...

housemaus · 06/02/2022 13:43

The issue isn't the games, it's that he doesn't do anything round the house or spend any time with you.

DH and I are both currently on our respective sofas with headphones on playing games and have been since this morning, and one or both of us can easily spend hours on a game. But yesterday we spent most of the day having a clear out, going to the tip, and then went out for tea somewhere nice. I never feel like our hobbies take over our lives.

(Side note: the usual boring MN lines about gaming are out in force I see.

'It's not real' - no, neither is Game of Thrones or the stories in books.
'It's childish' - considering a huge number of games are for 18+ adults, no it's not.
'It's not interesting to talk about with you' - who picks their hobbies based on that? Nor is golf or weightlifting or trainspotting.
'He doesn't do it outside' - you don't do Warhammer or vinyl collecting or board games or knitting outside either.)

Leighcloon · 06/02/2022 13:44

That's why the answer to 'Do you game?' has always determined whether I wanted to date someone. They are so often passive, dull individuals who are completely incapable of self-regulation.

Anyone who thinks it's in any way equivalent to reading really hasn't understood reading.

Leighcloon · 06/02/2022 13:45

And no, judging by friends, you can't do anything with it once you've got one. That's why weeding them out in advance is key.

WizardOfAus · 06/02/2022 13:48

That's why the answer to 'Do you game?' has always determined whether I wanted to date someone. They are so often passive, dull individuals who are completely incapable of self-regulation.

This is advice MN should pin to the top of the Relationships board.

burnoutbabe · 06/02/2022 13:48

well as well as gaming, i also love reading. When i got the new Harry Potter i sat and read it solidly that day, brief break for dinner.

Would have been equally hacked off if ANYONE had been moaning "oh come and spend time with me"

Ivyonafence · 06/02/2022 13:51

@burnoutbabe that boom came out close to 20 years ago. That's not an everyday behaviour like the OP describes.

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/02/2022 13:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
moggiemillie · 06/02/2022 13:52

@Valhalla17

What do you mean by "hours" and do you have any hobbies OP?
It is probably a minimum of two hours a day, sometimes as many as 6 or 7, or more. Yes, I have my own hobbies- for example yesterday I went into London with GFs, lunch, a show, etc. He spent all day gaming while I was out, fair enough. Then today - he's straight back to his gaming chair.
OP posts:
Ivyonafence · 06/02/2022 13:52

Book, not 'boom' lol

Original poster
moggiemillie · 06/02/2022 13:54

@VladmirsPoutine

Yanbu. Do you have children or plan any? Wrt if it were books, you'd still feel frustrated if the onus was always on you to spot what needs doing/fixing etc. Does he work?
We don't have children, but we're about to embark on another round of fertility treatment so fingers crossed. I do wonder how he would cope with his gaming time being severely restricted with a baby in the house (he says he knows that would happen and he's totally on board), or maybe he's getting it out of his system now 🤷‍♀️
OP posts:
GrapesAreMyJam · 06/02/2022 13:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Avarua · 06/02/2022 13:58

It's very dull to be in your living room sitting in a chair for hours on end. Awful for health too.

Snaketime · 06/02/2022 13:59

@Leighcloon

That's why the answer to 'Do you game?' has always determined whether I wanted to date someone. They are so often passive, dull individuals who are completely incapable of self-regulation.

Anyone who thinks it's in any way equivalent to reading really hasn't understood reading.

They are both escapes from reality. Also with today's technology gaming is actually a more social hobby than reading. I am saying this as someone who enjoys both. OP as pp's have said it isn't as much the gaming as the fact that he doesn't do things around the house without being asked and never offers to take you out. Sit down with him and talk to him about it and start with you don't mind the gaming but xyz if he tries with the reading thing again say we'll yes actually as the problem would still be xyz.
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 14:00

If you're not happy with how he spends his free time now, are you sure having children with him is a good idea?

People who are addicted to their hobbies (be that gaming, cycling, reading, gardening or whatever) rarely change when DC come along. There are loads of threads on here that are testament to that.

Momicrone · 06/02/2022 14:00

Fairylights, you can stop reading more easily than a game, in my experience of communicating with people who do both

Momicrone · 06/02/2022 14:02

Grapes aremyjam, any of those repetitive games that gives them a dopamine hit, most of them

GrapesAreMyJam · 06/02/2022 14:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Valhalla17 · 06/02/2022 14:05

You need to sit down and have a chat with him OP. Gaming is fine, but doing anything for 6-7 hrs a day simply lacks balance. In all those hours he is sitting, his body isn't moving. He needs to balance his hobby and make time for other things!

2hrs is fine and maybe 3hrs at the weekend. I game but only do about an hour on any given day, I have other things like ds to look after and I like to read, draw etc.

So tell him about the impact to you, himself and the relationship. Ask him to try a few weeks at 2hrs per weekday, 3hrs max sat/sun and see how it goes. If he's unwilling to even try that then he's a waste of space and you need to get rid!

OliviaKeeling · 06/02/2022 14:06

That's why my first marriage broke down. Because he spent every waking moment when not at work on the bloody game. Even ate his meals one handed while still playing. Absolutely refused to cut down how long he played, ignored our daughter if she wanted anything because of a poxy game.

Spectre8 · 06/02/2022 14:08

So what is acceptable in your eyes, reading books, going out seeing your friends for a meal/drinks anything but gaming right.

It doesn't matter whether you think gaming is bad for you, anti social etc. If a man came on here complaining about his wife spending hours reading a book/ seeing friends but said hey its okay if she does knitting he would be villified for trying to control what she does.

So long as it doesn't impact on your relationship or responsibilities around the house and doing stuff together whats the problem. Free time is free time to do whatever you like with.

gogohm · 06/02/2022 14:10

Yes I understand, ex is for a reason!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2022 14:11

Never in the history of women hoping men would change once the baby arrived has a single man changed when the baby arrived.

Are you absolutely sure you want children with this man as he treats you now. Because he. Will. Not. Change.

WizardOfAus · 06/02/2022 14:11

So long as it doesn't impact on your relationship or responsibilities around the house and doing stuff together whats the problem. Free time is free time to do whatever you like with

Did you miss the OP's entire first post where she states his gaming impacts on their relationship and his responsibilities around the house?!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2022 14:12

@Momicrone

Fairylights, you can stop reading more easily than a game, in my experience of communicating with people who do both
If you want to stop, sure. But a gamer who wanted to stop would do so as well. It may mean they have to re-do something but they're not being held at gunpoint and forced to continue playing.

I mean, I used to read loads as a child and I could easily sit in a room full of people and tune them all out. Why is gaming (and ignoring people) worse than reading (and ignoring people)?

Any hobby

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