DH spends hours every day playing computer games

[moggiemillie]

AIBU?

DH and I have been together for 11 years, living together for 9 years, married for 3. He's always been really into computer games but recently it has really started to bother me - he literally spends hours every day in the corner of our lounge transfixed to his PC, clicking away with his headphones on.

If I need to converse with him I have to give him notice so he can get to a 'safe' bit of the game to stop. If I suggest doing something together then he'll happily do it, but it rarely happens the other way round. If I ask him to do something around the house (why is it always on me to spot what needs to be done 🙄), then he'll happily do it, but then goes straight back to his gaming chair. It could be a glorious day outside but if it's sunny he shuts the curtains as he can't see the screen if it's too bright - and he would spend all day like that given the opportunity. I have said to him before that he does it too much but he says something like 'if I was reading books would you say if was too much', and he has a point - I probably wouldn't - but at least that would feel like a good use of time.

He's not harming me or anyone else, I just feel very irritated by it right now, so please tell me if IAMBU

I mean, I used to read loads as a child and I could easily sit in a room full of people and tune them all out. Why is gaming (and ignoring people) worse than reading (and ignoring people)?

It's not. But we're talking about adults here. And it's not just about responding to his wife, who he's supposed to actually like, it's about being proactive in their lives, not just spending time at a hobby until he's asked to do something.

If someone resented me doing something I enjoyed for 2 hours a day, I’d be pissed off.
And I think if the gender roles were reversed, the replies would be different.

I think the issue is what do you want? Are you happy? Is everything else ok?
My DP watches a niche YouTube thing for a few hours every day, it’s fun and he is happy with it even though I think he is slightly insane , sometimes he’s distracted when I try to talk with him and it can be annoying, but it really really isn’t worth fighting over, it’s hardly inappropriate.

I definitely read for that long most days, or use MN, or do my own thing online, so what’s the real difference?

I would look out for behaviours that suggest addiction, but if none are present, let it be if you are otherwise happy.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

I mean, I used to read loads as a child and I could easily sit in a room full of people and tune them all out. Why is gaming (and ignoring people) worse than reading (and ignoring people)?

It's not. But we're talking about adults here. And it's not just about responding to his wife, who he's supposed to actually like, it's about being proactive in their lives, not just spending time at a hobby until he's asked to do something.

Yes, but my point is it's not gaming that's the issue - it's the fact that he's not pro-active and doesn't want to do anything except his hobby.

That wouldn't change if he stopped gaming and started painting model figurines or something instead.

I also don’t think an ‘adult’,should have to stop reading alone or having time to themselves to annoy other pursuits. I think it is unhealthy to micromanage the people we live with and demand that they are perpetually present .

Adults need fun and down time too, to use imagination, learn, enjoy their own company and hobbies. I also think society would be much happier if it encouraged adults not to give up imagination, dreaming and playing.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts no, probably not. And I don't really think that's the point OP is making (although these threads always end up about the pros and cons of gaming and not about the actual relationship).

2 hours per day isn't excessive, if he played a sport it'd be longer. 6/7 hours when you were out all day wasn't affecting you, does he comment on the length of time you spend on hobbies?
MN has a problem with gaming, always very nasty and dismissive. I'd rather that than bloody cycling 🤣

You need to be prepared to the likelihood that you will be raising the baby little or forced input from him.

He will get to show to the world he has a wife and baby, but will make very little effort.

Don’t give him that gift.

sometimes as many as 6 or 7, or more. Yes, I have my own hobbies- for example yesterday I went into London with GFs, lunch, a show, etc. He spent all day gaming while I was out, fair enough. Then today - he's straight back to his gaming chair

He's a dullard. Leave him to his screen thats his interest.

You'll likely end up having to build a life without him unfortunately as gamers have every argument and excuse under the sun to justify checking out of relationship yet expecting partner to be around to facilitate life.

[quote UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]@fairylightsandwaxmelts no, probably not. And I don't really think that's the point OP is making (although these threads always end up about the pros and cons of gaming and not about the actual relationship).[/quote]
It's not. But we're talking about adults here. And it's not just about responding to his wife, who he's supposed to actually like, it's about being proactive in their lives, not just spending time at a hobby until he's asked to do something.

But he behaves that way because he's lazy and CBA to put any effort in, not because he likes playing video games.

It's lazy and pointless to blame video games for the issues OP is having - they're not to blame. The issue is she's married to a man who is lazy and can't be bothered to put any effort in to their marriage. Stopping him from gaming isn't going to change who he is.

Oops, I quoted one post and responded to another, sorry!

He's always been really into computer games

Rather than wondering how he would cope with his gaming time being severely restricted with a baby in the house

I would ask him to cut down his gaming now.
And if he couldn't do that and check back into your relationship I wouldn't be getting more fertility treatment or consider breeding with him.

The reality is either
A. He demonstrates he can reduce his gaming and acts like a proper, normal partner
B. you accept what crumbs he will offer and have a hold with him knowing he'll mostly be absent and at best be semi-engaged and unable to meet your child's basic needs
(eg he'll be half heartedly bouncing the baby bouncer with his foot while your baby cries because it needs its nappy changed but he won't acknowledge that as he isn't at a "safe" part of his game. And when you challenge him he will say he isn't a mind reader and how was he supposed to know...)

He wont. He thinks the games are real and will prioritise them. My xh is the same.

I left my ex when the children were 3 & 5 because of this. He worked part time to give him more time to game, and all childcare was based on my work hours, so he never had the children. He spent all the time in his games room, including eating, and no time with the family.
He then won court ordered contact and so DS has had about 7 years of weekends of spending the entire time gaming. DS has now been diagnosed with a gaming addiction, with severe issues around emotions and affecting his education.

So many stereotypes. My dh plays computer games. He is also sporty, very well-read, plays in a musical group, is a good conversationalist, a fantastic cook, is great at diy and spends plenty of time with his family. He and teenage ds also have lots of good chats about games.

Objecting to your partner spending so much time on any hobby that he neglects relationships and responsibilities is totally understandable. But sneering at a perfectly normal and popular hobby, as some posters are doing, is just ignorant and unpleasant. Hobbies don't need to have a purpose other than enjoyment. Plenty of women happily spend hours on MN, watching tv series and following loads if crap on Instagram and don't seem to feel the need for that to have a purpose.

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship and it already sounds like there's a pretty massive problem right there. You should be having second (third and fourth) thoughts about having kids with this big kid.

@moggiemillie please discuss this in counseling before having more fertility treatments.

@crazyjinglist

So many stereotypes. My dh plays computer games. He is also sporty, very well-read, plays in a musical group, is a good conversationalist, a fantastic cook, is great at diy and spends plenty of time with his family. He and teenage ds also have lots of good chats about games.

Objecting to your partner spending so much time on any hobby that he neglects relationships and responsibilities is totally understandable. But sneering at a perfectly normal and popular hobby, as some posters are doing, is just ignorant and unpleasant. Hobbies don't need to have a purpose other than enjoyment. Plenty of women happily spend hours on MN, watching tv series and following loads if crap on Instagram and don't seem to feel the need for that to have a purpose.

Well, looks as if he can't actually game all that much, if he has time for a full social life, reading, being in a band, family time etc? At any rate, he's one of the minority who can self-regulate, and say 'I'll stop now, because I want to do X.'

@Snaketime, I suppose it depends on whether you read disposable, generic Kindle Unlimited freebies which are probably the book equivalent of gaming or history, biography, poetry, or thought-provoking, beautiful novels from any era. If the latter, then, no, it's in no way equivalent to gaming.

I feel your pain and if my partner and I separated I'd never date a gamer again..I have nothing against gaming or having a hobby but it's an addiction in my partner's sense. It has got better but taken time.
We've been together 5 years, when our son was born and for the first 1.5 years of his life, my partner would play Xbox until 3am.and I'd go to bed with the baby, do all night feeds and get up with baby..he'd get out of bed at 12/1pm and I'd make him lunch whilst looking after the baby and he'd spend be on Xbox again. I know I'm the idiot in this situation. He did (and still doesn't) do anything in the house at all and would always prefer Xbox.
I basically told him that I've been a single mum in the past and can do it again. I literally stood in front of him crying that I was lonely and finding it hard on my own and said there was no point being together if he didn't contribute. In honesty, it didn't help. We had so many arguements about gaming. Like the time I ordered take away. I ordered it half hr later than he asked me to because I knew he'd still be on xbox. When it arrived I told him 3 times it was ready/getting cold (over 20 mins). When he eventually came off Xbox I was so annoyedi said I didn't want to eat. He went nuts. Screaming I was an f-ing bitch, why am I so miserable and can't I just be happy with him. I had our son in my arms and asked him not to shout and he said he didn't care, I was a bitch and even his ex wife didnt ruin his life like me. I cried and said he was scaring me and he said good, I'm glad you're scared. I was close to leaving but he cried and I didn't. Over the years of me getting annoyed with him not doing anything it's got a bit better. Our son is older so he helps more and doesn't go on Xbox as much (although probably around 7 hours a day still). He just thinks I'm hormonal and miserable. I genuinely believe his rudeness to me was because he was addicted and me interfering made him so angry.
I do find it very unattractive and feel like the mum of a teenage boy (he's 51 and I a lot younger ).

I agree that the issue is if it's impacting on him helping around the house and/or its impacting on you spending time together. Feeling second to a computer is soul destroying!

I'm laughing at some of the comments on this thread. Wild-eyed and twitchy! Wtf 🤣

And no, gamers aren't a bunch of dullards just as avid readers, crocheters, movie buffs, cyclists, etc aren't.

The problem here isn't gaming. I also find it bizarre that you have to wait until he's in a "safe" part of the game to be able to communicate. Me and my partner game but don't ever seem to encounter this problem! Sounds like he is really shit at multitasking and would be the same with other hobbies. Someone saying you wouldn't have to wait until he's at a "safe" part of the book... well I can imagine he'd probably the type who makes you wait until he's finished that page or the good bit he's on.

If he's not, he needs to pull his weight around the home more, and dedicate time to the two of you. That being said 2 hours of gaming a day is absolutely reasonable and I don't see the issue with this. You say this can extend to 7 or 8 hours which I don't think is a problem on occasion either! I guess it depends if it is more often than not closer to 7/8 hours each day, and 2 or 3 hours is more often. I think you need to get a hobby as well so you have something to occupy your time, as it sounds like as soon as he's on a game you're waiting on him so to speak, which probably makes it drag even more.

Sorry for the typos. My phone autocorrects!

*2 or 3 is less often

We don't have children, but we're about to embark on another round of fertility treatment so fingers crossed. I do wonder how he would cope with his gaming time being severely restricted with a baby in the house (he says he knows that would happen and he's totally on board), or maybe he's getting it out of his system now

You are absolutely mad to have a baby with this man. Who you see now is who he is. He will not be changing. You will essentially be a single parent with two children, not one. Please, don't bring a child into this.

He won't get better if you have a baby. In fact, he'll probably get worse because it'll be his place to retreat to when real life becomes even more hectic and stressful and he knows you won't be able to do anything about it. Take it from the women who've been there before you.

I think if anyone spends loads of time on a hobby to the exclusion of choosing to spend time with their partner they are not parent material.

Doesn't matter that he comes off when asked (eventually!)
a) You can't keep a baby waiting
b) He's still not choosing you before his game

You need a long chat and a change of attitude before parenthood

My DH and I love gaming. Between my job and having a baby, I have totally stopped for now. DH often plays for about an hour each day when I’m with the baby. But when I reappear, the console gets turned off immediately every time. The point is, gaming is fitted in around family activities not the other way around. Gaming shouldn’t be done at the expense of your relationship or work or friendships.

Another poster said that gaming is a social activity. I’d say not always. It depends on what you play, it can be hours staring at a screen not interacting with anyone else.

YANBU