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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad to stop telling me about my brother?

30 replies

TonksInPurple · 05/02/2022 21:11

I am no contact with my brother as is my dad, but he has friends who hear everything that is going on in b’s life. He insists on telling me all about b regularly and I find it really hard b is a high earner, big house lots of extended family, life of luxury. I am a single parent of one, low earner, no friends not how I thought my life would end up, brother is a narcissist and all round horrible person yet has this wonderful life. It crushes me every time I have have to hear about him. I know DF will kick
Off if I ask him not to share the gossip. I usually put every one else first but feel like I need to put my foot down on this.

OP posts:
Iamanicepersonreally · 05/02/2022 21:15

I think it entirely depends on why you think he's a horrible person. Could you give a little more context?
Unless he has done something really terrible, I think it's entirely understandable that your dad wants to talk about him and that he chooses to talk to you

Original poster
TonksInPurple · 05/02/2022 21:18

He’s a bully made my childhood hell, turned friends against me, I struggled with my mental health all through my teens because of him anything good I had he’d either make sure got taken off me & would tell me what he was doing. Parents never believed me as I was the angry one while he was cool and calm.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 05/02/2022 21:22

No I absolutely don't think you would be wrong to tell your father you don't want to hear anything of your brother. Clearly he isn't comfortable with his nc decision and is hoping to change yours by keep bringing it up. Is he nc with bro because of your or was it a separate decision?

You may have to consider going vlc or even nc with your father if he won't leave it alone if it affecting you badly.

XelaM · 05/02/2022 21:23

My (much) younger brother is a a very high earner and lives a life of luxury travelling the world with his friends whereas I'm a single mum with endless responsibilities. I'm actually very proud of him and always tell everyone about how clever my little brother turned out to be. I think your reaction is weird.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2022 21:24

No her reaction isn’t weird because her brother isn’t exactly like your brother. They’re different people. HTH. Plus read her latest post.

Graphista · 05/02/2022 21:26

I am nc with my sister. My parents used to keep talking to me about her but I kept repeating not to and if they persisted I ended the conversation

Eventually they stopped - I say eventually it didn't take a huge amount of time a few months maybe but when you're regularly conversing it can seem a long time.

Politely persevere and it should work

ThinWomansBrain · 05/02/2022 21:28

Just say that your not interested in hearing about him - if you wanted to you would get in touch with him directly.
If father persists, make it clear that you'll cut contact with him as well.

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 21:30

I don't think you need to put your foot down or it needs to be a confrontation.

Can you just explain to your dad, that while he feels he needs to share its really difficult and he needs find someone else to talk to about it if he must spread the latest information?

thefourgp · 05/02/2022 21:31

He’s not in your life and you shouldn’t have to hear about him. Hearing about his life (what outsiders see of it which isn’t the full picture - you often don’t know what struggles a person is going through even when their life appears rosey from the outside) is having a negative impact on your mental health. Your father should respect your request not to discuss him. If he wants to talk to others about your brother that’s his choice, but it’s unfair to pressure you to do so when it brings you pain.

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 21:33

@XelaM

My (much) younger brother is a a very high earner and lives a life of luxury travelling the world with his friends whereas I'm a single mum with endless responsibilities. I'm actually very proud of him and always tell everyone about how clever my little brother turned out to be. I think your reaction is weird.
Why are you NC with him then?

Or are you in contact with him? In which case it's not even vaguely similar to ops situation, so entirely irrelevant that you are proud of a brother you get in with.

Hydrate · 05/02/2022 21:33

I would just say "Dad, stop. Not at all interested. I am in no contact with my brother because I do not want anything to do with him. I don't even want to hear his name. You may feel differently, but that is how I feel and you will need to save your news about brother for someone who is interested."

thefourgp · 05/02/2022 21:34

Explain you don’t want to hear about him and if your father brings him into the conversation, don’t sit politely and wait for him to finish the story. Say I’m not discussing him and leave the room. Every single time until he accepts your decision.

Whatinthelord · 05/02/2022 21:36

If you don’t want to hear about him then just tell your dad that. It’s fine to put in boundaries. If your dad knows you are no contact he should understand you dont need to hear about him either.

Why does your dad talk about him so much if he is NC with him too. Is it negative stuff?

Original poster
TonksInPurple · 05/02/2022 21:56

@LittleOwl153

No I absolutely don't think you would be wrong to tell your father you don't want to hear anything of your brother. Clearly he isn't comfortable with his nc decision and is hoping to change yours by keep bringing it up. Is he nc with bro because of your or was it a separate decision?

You may have to consider going vlc or even nc with your father if he won't leave it alone if it affecting you badly.

Thanks for replying that interesting, df is nc because b cut him off when he split up with our mother. My mother and brother and like two peas in a pod but b blamed the separation on df even though he’d put up with decades of terrible behaviour from her but in b’s mind that’s normal.
OP posts:
Original poster
TonksInPurple · 05/02/2022 21:56

Why on earth are you nc if your so proud of him?

OP posts:
HeckinMiffed · 05/02/2022 21:57

yanbu. im in a similar position with my sister. she's a bullying narcissist, only my dad really speaks to her, the rest of us have gone nc after threats, sulking, lifelong bullying/belittling and for me treating my kids the same awful way she treats me.
My dad I love him but he can be a real gasbag/s**tstirrer. He does this to me. oh, sis said she saw you out walking your dogs. Sis cannot understand why you havent bought a house. sis saw such and such.

Honestly, I dont care what she says or thinks (She thinks shes some sort of oracle and we should kowtow to her), she's still just trying to get a reaction and dad is her willing flying monkey.

It hurts but I just say thats nice. Or, well I walk my dogs. then change subject. I refuse to be drawn on the subject. He tries occasionally but I just say Im not interested and chat about something else.

You cannot change how someone treats you, the only thing you can change is how you react to them.

Check out the Stately Homes threads in Relationships and look at grey rock.

Summerfun54321 · 05/02/2022 21:58

Expecting your father not to talk about his own son is a step too far in my opinion. I’m sorry you don’t like your brother, but it sounds like you need your relationship with your father so you aren’t totally alone.

Original poster
TonksInPurple · 05/02/2022 21:59

@Whatinthelord no it’s always good stuff I hear the latest was about his giant wedding. Makes me so sad my DD has no family as df has no family but him and m have this huge family
On my mothers side. Sorry it’s all a mix of me feeling sorry for myself and him being so lucky despite being an unbelievably horrible person who will always put himself first.

OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 05/02/2022 22:03

I'm NC with my sister, yet she's all that my parents talk about.

To be honest, I don't want to hear it but I've perfected a technique of tuning out and changing the conversation.

It's easier than yet another confrontation and "it's really upsetting me that you don't talk" conversation.

Whatinthelord · 05/02/2022 22:09

You mentioned that df will “kick off” if you ask him not to talk about your b. Does he kick off a lot if you try to put boundaries in place.

Surely he knows you don’t want to hear about him if he knows you dislike him and have no contact. This leads me to think your df is either a bit vacant and dim OR he’s purposely mentioning your b.

HelloFrostyMorning · 05/02/2022 22:11

YANBU @TonksInPurple It is very hard when you have cut someone from your life, but someone (who is still in your life) has contact with them. I don't think the relationship with your dad is going to be very successful, and you may need to go low-contact, if he isn't going to stop babbling on about your brother.

Unfortunately, going 'no contact' with a family member can sometimes mean losing the wider family as well. Especially if you have gone NC because that person was abusive.

It is very difficult and painful to hear a family member (or friend even,) blathering on about the person you have gone NC with, (as you have found them so abusive and awful that you have had to cut them from your life.)

mummykel16 · 05/02/2022 22:19

You need to do what's best for you no one else knows what that is, in my opinion yanbu but I don't have to live with the consequences of talking your df to stop it.

Anonymouseposter · 05/02/2022 22:39

I would say to your father that you understand that he misses your brother and wants to talk about him but that you find it upsetting to talk about him and would like him to stop discussing your brother with you. No need to be aggressive about it or threaten to cut your Dad off( if you get on with him) but just remind him if he refers to your brother that you have asked him not to and change the subject.
If your Dad does "kick off" when you approach this sensitively leave and refuse to argue.
It sounds like it would be helpful to focus on yourself and improving what you can in your own life. I am wondering whether your Dad is leaning on you a bit emotionally because his other relationships have gone wrong.

Thehop · 05/02/2022 22:47

God this is me! My brothers life has golden sun shining on it and he’s the worst person I’ve ever met.

I sound about 5, but sometimes I want to stamp my feet and shout “not fair not fair”

I absolutely sympathise op

WonderfulYou · 05/02/2022 23:10

Why on earth are you nc if your so proud of him?

Because he loves him and misses him.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than not seeing my child and just because they’re NC doesn’t mean you can’t be proud.

I actually don’t like hearing about other people lives from someone else it feels like gossip to me. But if this is what makes him happy then I’d sit and listen to it knowing he’s not got many other people in his life.