To ask what you’re doing awake post-midnight? Part 2: Insomnia Strikes Back

[5YearsLeft]

Bit awkward to start this in the middle of the day, but I wanted to be able to link it on the old thread before it completely fills. Meanwhile, even though right now it’s not post-midnight, if you’re having a day-after hangover from insomnia, feel free to post. Whether it’s from poorly children or babies or pets or OHs, whether it’s grief or fear or anxiety or other losses, whether it’s work stress or home stress or just LIFE stress, we get it. You’re not yelling into the void; you’re sharing with people who have been stuck wide awake, too.

@Tallisimo thank you for your kind words. I’m sure I’ll get there eventually and in no small part due to the kindness and support of everyone on here and other threads

@MrsGlum Argh! So close! But! That’s an hour of natural sleep. So maybe (as much as we’d miss you) you really do need a few days of an anti-insomnia routine to try to “catch” your now possibly very small natural window (I’m sure everyone on the thread has just rolled their eyes so hard they’ve done themselves an injury, but we all know the score - no caffeine after noon, nothing at all to drink for an hour before bedtime, no blue light from computers or TVs or phones for two hours before bedtime, and then take whatever it is you’re going to take, if it’s the propranolol, 30 minutes before you go to bed with just a sip of water; of course this thread is full of people for whom these things make no difference BUT if you were able to get asleep for an hour, or you’re able to occasionally doze, then it could mean you still have some natural melatonin in there trying to “get out,” ha, so maybe it could work?). Of course it’s not fair at all, since some people seem to have a natural window that lasts all night and they can just roll over and go back to sleep even if a fog horn goes off inside the bedroom (cough cough my DH cough), but we try to make the best of what we’ve got. I’m wondering if you falling asleep tonight maybe means that you’re making progress back toward natural sleep?? Which is why I’m thinking it might be worth trying the anti-insomnia routine again, even if it was a failure for you a few weeks ago. I give it a try for three or more days every month or so to see if I get any difference, but… no luck, so far. I can drink 0 cups of tea or ten; no difference.

@MrsGlum If it doesn’t work, the thread’s here all night. If it does work, you can leave messages here during the day. After all, @Wallywobbles brings us lamb updates as and when (for which we’re very grateful!), so we’re definitely an all-hours thread.

I made a mistake at work and I’m agonising over it. Also now worried as I have to drive tomorrow and am exhausted.

@StaplesCorner Oh no. While I don’t know the mistake, things often seem so much bigger at night, when you’re alone with your mind. Maybe you can rectify it tomorrow, or maybe it won’t be too large of an issue? I can understand how it makes it feel like you just want to hide under the duvet instead of going back in though. BUT. Once you go back in, it’ll be over and done with. And while I can understand the worry over being exhausted, don’t give up hope yet, as there’s still a few hours left to get more sleep.

Well here I am again!! Hope everyone is okay. I am actually able to toss and turn which is a miracle! Just not very sleepy- I was a bit of an insomniac before all this!! Hoping to be allowed home tomorrow. Some leg pain but it’s sooooo much better and I am almost upright. @Tallisimo it was a spinal decompression/discectomy. Life changing. Good luck with your packing @5YearsLeft!!

@Coroico97 Nobody can sleep in a hospital, anyway. You’ll probably sleep like a rock once you get home (hopefully). So glad the surgery seems successful!

@5YearsLeft I had to give in and use a sleeping tablet! I got myself all worked up about my guilt around how the having taken the AD medication has ruined my life and my family’s. If I’d never started on it I’d not have got the side effects and joint
damage, and by coming off suddenly I’ve given myself insomnia and anxiety. I am worse off for having used them.
I did get 5 hrs sleep but sadly not natural snd have woken up feeling very sad snd low

Good morning everyone 

@5YearsLeft sorry to hear about the high CRP , that must be making you feel very rough (been there with my crohns - Dr seeing bloods and sending me straight to hospital 'oh, you must be feeling quite poorly', erm, yes actually , or less politely, 'no shit Sherlock' .). How you are so cheery and coping with your move is quite miraculous. That said a new place will be quite exciting!

@StaplesCorner that's tough. You just end up,going in circles with your thinking when you feel,like that. I used to catasrophise, right through to imagining us being evicted for not paying the mortgage as I'd been sacked, only to get to work the following day to realise that no-one really cared or that it didn't really matter at all. It's because your are conscientious and good at your job that your worry. And the old (very true) adage is that the only people who don't make mistakes are the people who do sod all. I know who I'd rather work alongside. I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning.

@Tallisimo so chuffed that you are moving so well.

Fat 🐈‍⬛ purrs and wishes you all a peaceful Friday.

@MrsGlum Oh no. The night is just the worst for this. Have you ever struggled with this before in any area of your life? I mean the self-recriminations. I mean, obviously, you’re going through these very real symptoms that are part of overcoming the ADs, but then you’re adding this terrible mental punishment that you’re putting yourself through. Usually, I find that people who mentally punish themselves excessively when they feel they’ve “made” a wrong choice, who ruminate on things they can’t change (no matter who’s responsible - you, the doctor, someone else - absolutely no one can go back and change it now), it’s not usually a one-time behavior (and I know this because I do it, ha). You can absolutely drown in guilt; it’s a dangerous thing. Most of our thought patterns become engrained in us when we’re so young. So maybe take some time today and thing about whether in other areas, in the past, you’ve punished yourself with repetitive thinking. Because it can definitely steal your peace and contribute to stealing your sleep as well. Of course, having some regrets is normal and human, but it should usually feel like… they’re at the bottom of a box of your feelings, and the rest of your feelings are “on top” of them. If it feels like your regrets are at the top of the box, that’s when you start to feel terrible and low.

@catwomando Yessssss about that. No blimmin idea how I’m going to manage to ever get packed if I can’t get out of bed, but DH has managed before and I trust him to manage again. He’s never let me down before. I completely forgot to mention that my doctor started me on Humira to try to bring my inflammation down, maybe stop my veins from being so under attack, so yesterday, I injected both the Humira for the first time AND my immunoglobulins, so that might not be too great, as far as side effects. But I needed to do it as soon as possible before the move. Argh.

@5YearsLeft oh yes, I've always been one to self-recriminate and obsess over bad decisions etc. but the creation of the circumstances over many weeks which led up to me taking the AD meds and then the fallout from going cold turkey off them has been absolutely the worst thing I have ever done. It has affected the lives of so many people I love and who love me. It has tested all my relationships to the brink. It has quite possibly impacted mine and my family's lives for ever. I am trapped in that prison of the past and because I have too much time to think, these horrible regrets and "what if's" are sitting right at the top of my 'box of feelings' all the time. It's torture.
I do actually have a counselling session today which may help, but what I really need is to be able to get back to my old life, where I slept properly, worked, socialised, supported my family and generally engaged in society. I feel as though all that is so impossible to reach right now and it's all of my own making.

But this all sounds so indulgent when I know you are facing health & life challenges far greater than mine. Your ability to comfort a poster in distress and say absolutely the right things to ease their pain, despite all of yours, is remarkable. Thank you.

I hope the new meds help with your inflammation and bring you some relief from your symptoms. Good luck with the packing! It sounds like your DH is a gem!

Sun’s way up and the thread is shut, though you can leave messages during the day as necessary so we’re never really shut.

@MrsGlum Good luck with the counseling session! Maybe they can give you some ideas of what will help you “stop” when you start to spiral into that guilt. Sometimes it can be a word or a phrase that you need to say to yourself repeatedly, or I know someone who put blue dot stickers in places they were likely to see them (edges of mirrors, next to inside car door handle, etc) to remind her. But yes, in addition to the (unfortunately) slow amount of time it takes for all your physical symptoms to veeeeery gradually go away, part of your recovery is going to have to be forgiving yourself.

Well hello. Reporting in before I attempt sleep and to share that I attended a gong bath this evening. Apparently they are brilliant in helping people to sleep

If I'm back on in the wee smalls you'll know it didn't work

Hope everyone had a good day and is getting some Zeds

Can I play? Newborn DD is cluster feeding for the third hour in a row and both my nipples and I are in absolute bits. She was born yesterday morning in the car on the way to hospital! I think I had two hours sleep the last two nights and am on my knees here. When will she stop?!

Ah yes welcome to the after midnight thread, slightly late edition. Everyone is always welcome, regardless of what keeps you up.

@blackfriars Oh no! I know some silly arse will say something about the miracle of life, but I’m sure it doesn’t feel too miraculous when you’re in your knees with exhaustion. Have you not been able to get any sleep after she “fills” up, due to other DC or because she’s feeding round the clock? Unfortunately, if it’s cluster feeding, you really will just have to grab sleep whenever you possibly can for right now, and even try telling DH you’re staying in bed and he needs to just hand DD to you. Whatever it takes to get a little extra sleep. But yes, if she’s pushing all her feeds together now, then the only hope (big fingers crossed!!!) is that she’ll go down for a longer sleep. But at only two days old, all bets might be off. So sorry, and I do hope it gets better!!!

@catwomando Am Googling gong baths. I’m never going to be packed by Monday. We’re just going to have to leave everything behind except: my pyjamas, my medications, my platypuses.

Bother. I’m here again. Legs playing up particularly badly tonight! Can’t think what I’ve done to trigger this - haven’t done anything very unusual or different during the day. Have come downstairs to eat snacks to take my mind off it!

@blackfriars congratulations on your new born and welcome to the group we're all trying to leave! I have no sage words of advice unfortunately.

@Tallisimo Oh bother. Sometimes they just act out, like your muscles have suddenly decided to be a bunch of Kevin the Teenagers. It can be completely inexplicable. Might as well just have tea and a cracker while the sensation makes up its mind about sodding off so you can get some rest.

@Confusedmeanderings Glad to see you here, but as always, sorry to see you up!

Well, here I am again. Had a bit of a crisis today over my situation and needed to be pulled back from the brink of complete insanity by two good friends. I keep going round in a destructive loop of regret about taking the AD meds then going cold turkey and what they have done to my life. One friend told me I was now doing myself more harm by being in this state than the meds did. So I’ve tried to be busy and positive for the rest of the day but come bedtime all the despair just hit me full on again. I managed maybe an hour of fitful sleep before being jolted fully awake by my mirtazapine damaged brain and body. I’m determined not to keep taking sleeping tablets as I don’t want to develop an dependency on those (probably too late!)
I’m so miserable and terrified that I’ll be like this forever…

@MrsGlum no, you won’t be like this forever. You’re caught in a cycle of blaming yourself - quite unnecessary as you did what you thought was right at the time. Ok, so it doesn’t seem to have worked for you, but you’re now taking different steps. It’s going to take a while but things will get better.

@5YearsLeft love the Kevin the teenager analogy, made me smile. I’ve been sitting in the lounge eating toast and marmite, while reading .Mumsnet threads and my latest e-book.

@Tallisimo I’m sitting here sobbing my eyes out for the life I feel I’ve lost. I’m so scared…

Sat here, listening to a tawny owl, the baby girl who is blowing raspberries in her cot and counting DH's breaths; he has some longish pauses now and I sit here scared to touch him in case I remind him to breathe again.

[quote MrsGlum]@Tallisimo I’m sitting here sobbing my eyes out for the life I feel I’ve lost. I’m so scared…[/quote]
Oh sweetie, have a virtual hug. You’ve not lost anything, and in front of you is clean sheet of paper which you can write on and make a whole new story! That sounds so cheesy, but it’s true. We can change the past but we have the chance to make tomorrow better x

can’t

@5YearsLeft thank you. No sleep yet as I think I’m just wired from the birth! I think she MAY be settling now, here’s hoping.

Going to RTFT now so I can fill myself in on your platypuses.

@Confusedmeanderings thank you!

Here’s hoping we all get some sleep soon…