To ask what you’re doing awake post-midnight? Part 2: Insomnia Strikes Back

[5YearsLeft]

Bit awkward to start this in the middle of the day, but I wanted to be able to link it on the old thread before it completely fills. Meanwhile, even though right now it’s not post-midnight, if you’re having a day-after hangover from insomnia, feel free to post. Whether it’s from poorly children or babies or pets or OHs, whether it’s grief or fear or anxiety or other losses, whether it’s work stress or home stress or just LIFE stress, we get it. You’re not yelling into the void; you’re sharing with people who have been stuck wide awake, too.

@ScrumptiousBears
My son was admitted to hospital and had to have surgery for constipation so I’m really relieved she’s ok bless her!

Deepest sympathies to those who get migraines. I'm lucky enough not to get them, but I know they are really debilitating. I'm awake, worrying about the coming week. I have hospital appointments every day this week and 2 on Tuesday. I had my hair cut short because I thought it would be easier to manage whilst I have chemo, and I hate it! I have my NHS wig but it is a bit itchy to wear and I keep thinking it will fall off! Actually, I'm thinking of accusing the wig department of breaking the Trades Description Act, because they've called the wig Raquel Welch, and let me tell you I look nothing like her. When I'm wearing it! I'm certainly not about to expose my body in a fur bikini for all the world to see - I don't think it would recover from the shock!

@Confusedmeanderings

Oh bless you, both of my parents had cancer, my dad had chemo and I don’t know what I was expecting but he was buzzing! He took CBD oil as well and was bouncing off the walls bless him. I hope it effects you similarly and doesn’t leave you feeling worse.
The appointments are awful, I went with my dad to quite a few and found them exhausting even though I was just there to support him and take notes.
I don’t think I could have coped had it been me, I hope they all go well

Constipation at any age is no fun, no wonder you are relieved (sorry about the pun 😂) @ScrumtiousBears !

@5YearsLeft I want to wrap you in a big, gentle, long-as-you-like hug xx

I finally went to sleep (according to my FitBit) at about 5.30am this morning. Not ideal, but some sleep is better than no 😴….

Now it has gone 2am and I’m yawning away but awake. Maybe it’s time to get back under the duvet and have another go at getting some zzzzzzs.

@Tallisimo
Hope you get some sleep

Sometimes I wake up really comfortable and try to remember exactly how I’m positioned but inevitably it’s never comfortable when it’s time to actually try and get some sleep!

@Chichimcgee thank you. I've been surprised at how well I've coped with it all mostly. But I am a bit anxious about this week. I'm glad the CBD oil worked for your Dad.

@Confusedmeanderings Oh god, I have had that week! With hospital appointments every day! I’m so, so sorry you’re going into it, especially whilst on chemo - I know it’s just exhausting and by about Wednesday noon, you want to go home and sleep for a week. If you want to complain to Trade Standards, I will 100% back you up (I don’t need to see you; I trust ya ). Those bastards shouldn’t be able to get away with this! I mean, if your hair doesn’t look like it can star in a remake of One Million Years BC, what the hell’s the point??? And I’m so sorry you hate your short haircut. In truth, it probably is or will be easier to manage, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it. Fortunately, it WILL grow back, though I know hair growth can feel like it takes a lifetime, and especially during chemo.

Also, with regards to feeling like your wig is going to fall off, are you just placing it directly onto your head? A lot of cancer patients use a soft liner or cap in between because then: 1. It’s not so itchy, 2. You can pin it to the cap so you can use pins but the pins aren’t digging into you. Sorry if you’re already using a cap and you mean it’s itching around that!

@Tallisimo You're so kind! Sigh, I’m so sorry to hear it was gone 5:30am; while you’re right about some sleep being better than none, I know we all keep hoping it’ll hit before 5:30. I know it’s gone 2am now, but I’m hoping maybe the duvet will use its magic to help you sleep before 5:30 tonight. Hey, even if you hit 5:00, that’s an improvement!

@5YearsLeft I haven't tried a cap. I might give that a go. To be honest, I don't really need the wig just yet, I'm practising for when I do!!

Thanks for the advice. Dr has prescribed medication to move things along. Personally I think she needs to drink more. They are only allowed to drink at certain times at school and she forgets. She's 5. It doesn't happen in school holidays when we are there to remind her to drink. She also doesn't like the school toilets so I think that's another reason she doesn't drink so she doesn't have to use them. This maybe quite common as it's one of the questions the GP asked her when I took her in.

She's sound asleep now.

@Confusedmeanderings Oh yes, wigs can be hell without either a liner or a cap. And especially if you’re trying to put them on short hair. If you ever watch someone who has short hair or is bald putting on a wig for performing, such as drag queens or the like, they always have a wig cap or a wig liner or something. Also, this may be a strange question, but have they assured you that you’re definitely going to lose your hair with chemo? I only ask because my mother lost her hair, but then her neighbor didn’t lose hers and they both had chemo at the same time! I do think it may dependent on the type and frequency of chemo, and perhaps your hair has already started falling out (Sorry!!!) or maybe they’ve told you to DEFINITELY expect it, but I was surprised that it’s not 100% guaranteed since I really took it for granted.

What surprised me when my dad had chemo was his hair grew back a completely different colour.

Ive been waiting for my 22 yr old to come home after a night out. Now she is back I can have more drink.

@ScrumptiousBears I would agree with you. Only being allowed to drink at certain times sounds a bit ridiculous. I could understand squash or milk, but most schools now seem to allow students to always have water bottles with them during the day. Could she not get a note allowing her to have a water bottle with her? But then, I do see what you’re saying - if she dislikes the school toilets, then it’s not a whole solution. Is there any way to discuss what she dislikes about the toilets and whether it can be overcome? If she’s scared of doing a poo in them by herself for some reason, maybe she can use the toilet in the school nurse’s office for that? 5 is still the very youngest at a lot of schools so I’m sure it’s all a bit scary maybe. I would just hope there must be workarounds, as it must be so difficult to deal with for you both and you must be so worried seeing her in pain.

@Chichimcgee now that would be interesting! I chop and change my hair colour anyway, so I would like that. Although I suppose it will come back grey. I have no idea how much grey I actually have because i colour it so regularly!
@5YearsLeft they haven't said I definitely will lose it, but I'm expecting it because I've decided against the cold cap.
@vodkaredbullgirl more drink is definitely the way to go!!

Just been s crap day. Been a crap inattentive mum, a crap wife and a crap daughter. And I've long stopped caring about being s crap employee or a crap friend. It's just been one of the hose days. I can feel the depression loom over me like a dark inescapable cloud and I wonder how did it get to this? How did suddenly everything turn to crap? So quickly? Just a few months ago we were fine. My parents kind of do this to me. Can I say that? Is it fair? They are so freaking negative and such s constant presence in my life that I feel it's fair. Or maybe it's not fair but it's true. And it makes me so sad, apart from being depressed, because I know that's not what they want but they can't see it and if they can see it maybe they can't change. I need to change but I can't either. I'm not resilient. I've tried for decades and I'm just not cut out for life. The self loathing is strong tonight. My little indulgence. That's what's keeping me awake. My pity party for one. (And the baby crying his head of course.. )

@vodkaredbullgirl Beats being on one of your regular night work shifts! Enjoy your evening and glad your DD is home safe!

@ScrumptiousBears I used to teach and it is definitely not unusual for children to dislike school toilets and to avoid using them. It doesn't seem to be because they are horrible, more that they are just so different from at home. And children do make up stories about them to frighten each other. Nearly every school ghost I've ever heard about inhabited the toilets!

@Confusedmeanderings he went from all grey/white to black! Took us ages to get used to it!

@ForksAndSpoons I’m so sorry you’re struggling, a few months ago you were fine and you will be again. If parents are causing issues can you talk to them or reduce contact? Try and take it a day at a time

@ForksAndSpoons it sounds like you’re really going through the wringer. As for whether you can say that about your parents, it sounds more like whether you can be honest about your parents. If they’re a negative presence in your life, then that’s what they are. You don’t have to pretend it isn’t so; that’s just even more exhausting for you. But not somehow playing into whatever their cycle of negativity is doesn’t make you a crap daughter. Or on the other hand, not being able to pull out of it and starting to be negative toward them yourself wouldn’t make you a crap daughter either. It sounds like you would really benefit from maybe reduced contact with your parents if they make you feel more negative about everything. You do NOT owe it to them to let them be a constant presence in your life. You don’t owe anyone that, except your children who need your care and DH (if you have a good, non-abusive relationship with DH and want to continue it). You’re in what sounds like a terrible slump and you don’t owe anything to anyone that makes it worse. I don’t know if you’ve considered talking to your GP, or if you’re already on medication, but it may be that you need some short term help for depression, which is natural at times. Also you mentioned the baby screaming his head off; if it really was fine a few months ago, this could easily be PND, exacerbated by your parents. Maybe think about calling the GP? You deserve to feel so much better.

@Confusedmeanderings The cool cap is a tough decision. Yes it works… for 2/3rds of people, so it might not work anyway. And it’s a tough call to want to sit around for two hours after chemo when you just want to go home and collapse into bed and be alone (or possibly with DH, depending). I know a few people who haven’t lost their hair anyway, a few people who have lost it and determined hats were about 100% easier than wigs, and then a few who found drawing their eyebrows back on was the hardest part, ha.

5, please don't reply. You obviously put a lot of thought and effort into your replies and I don't want you to do that for the drivel I have written above. I'd love to hear something else though. Maybe about the kind of music you like. I'd love to listen to serenade by Schubert right now but I can't because I've got no idea where my headphones are and I can't wake the baby who has finally fallen asleep again. I'm not a huge fan of classical but there are some pieces that are just beautiful and no one does beautiful music better than Schubert. I always tell myself that some day I'll learn to play Ave Maria on the Piano. Liszt's transcription for the piano. It's ridiculously difficult. It's as if his aim was to make it so difficult to Play that onls those who are worthy can master it.

[quote Confusedmeanderings]@ScrumptiousBears I used to teach and it is definitely not unusual for children to dislike school toilets and to avoid using them. It doesn't seem to be because they are horrible, more that they are just so different from at home. And children do make up stories about them to frighten each other. Nearly every school ghost I've ever heard about inhabited the toilets![/quote]
Oh this made me laugh about the school ghosts

@ScrumptiousBears thinking about school toilets and school ghosts made me remember .... Many years ago, in one school I worked at, the ghost was called Nancy. She lived in the girls toilets and the children said that she was horrifying to behold. If you were the teacher on duty, the last job of the day was to check there were no children in the toilets before closing and locking the playground door. At the time I taught the older pupils and didn't have much to do with the infants. Anyway, one day it was me on duty, and there was one of the infants still in the toilets when I checked them. She took one look at me, screamed "It's Nancy!" and ran for her life. I'm guessing I was not looking my best that particular day!

Colic watch. Big horse had vet out at midnight, treating til 1.30 observation until just now. Just put him to bed for few hours hoping to get some sleep soon!

Hah you've already replied. I kind of do owe it to my parents though. I mean they are my parents. All these years when they were fit and healthy I've let them (and by them I mean my dad) stay however long they want so how can I abandon them now when they need me?

Yes dh is a good one I think but my parents continued presence is ruining our marriage. It happens every year when they are here. At this point I don't even kn9w if our relationship is repairable. Just last year we had so much fun and now we qre so distant I can't find vrn give him a hug when he's in pain. And he's in so much pain but no one can figure out what's wrong.

The baby rarely cries by the way. He's such a calm and happy baby. Dh and me always wonder who he gets it from as we are both pretty miserable fuckers.

I need to get out of this slump. I know why I can't abandon my parents. I've just seen them too unhappy and my mum suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. I've always felt it was ms job to make her happy and I failed at it. I know I can't make her happy because she's depressed but that doesn't change the fact that I always feel bad that I haven't even tried. Does that make sense?

Anyway I know I need to get out of this slump because I can't do the same to my kids. Can't let my depression affect them.

Tomorrow. Reminds me of that song "Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow, I'm going to start a new life. And if not tomorrow then day after tomorrow....".