AIBU to ask if you sleep trained your baby

[babyjellyfish]

What approach did you take, how old was your baby and how successful was it?

Looking for a range of views and experiences.

Thank you.

Utter rubbish saying you are not teaching them a life skill!! Of course you are, they wont feel rejected or unloved or be mentally scarred for life ! Controlled crying done right is not cruel in any way, id rather do that for 3-4 nights than years of sleep deprivation for the entire family.

@velvet24

Utter rubbish saying you are not teaching them a life skill!! Of course you are, they wont feel rejected or unloved or be mentally scarred for life ! Controlled crying done right is not cruel in any way, id rather do that for 3-4 nights than years of sleep deprivation for the entire family.

What “life skill” are you teaching them ? @velvet24

@Bizawit

Agree so much with everyone you’re writing.

It’s funny how I didn’t have to “teach” my 3 year old to sleep through, he just learnt around 2-2.5 after 2-2.5 years of feeding to sleep and cuddling (and being an awful sleep). Funnily enough they “learn” by themselves without having to leave them to cry for 49 mins as one PP did!

Yes. Best decision I ever made and I find the general aversion to it on certain sections of this site utterly perverse. It must have needlessly put off lots of parents who desperately needed it,

No . I don’t think it’s what best for my children or me.

My first born started sleeping through the night consistently by 10 months . My second born , who is 15 months, is very up and down with his sleep still. We on again off again coslept for the first year and he’s now transitioned to his crib . When he wakes up and cries I go in and nurse him or rock him. Sometimes he sleeps through the night. It’s been happening more and more recently🤞

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Bizawit

Agree so much with everyone you’re writing.

It’s funny how I didn’t have to “teach” my 3 year old to sleep through, he just learnt around 2-2.5 after 2-2.5 years of feeding to sleep and cuddling (and being an awful sleep). Funnily enough they “learn” by themselves without having to leave them to cry for 49 mins as one PP did![/quote]
@Giraffesandbottoms

2.5 years of sleep deprivation would break some people.

If cuddling him to sleep throughout the night worked for you, great. That doesn't make it wrong that other people do it differently.

I think if you've spent 2.5 years of sleepless nights, you're inclined to think it must have been necessary and valuable, because otherwise why do all the extra work? In truth, they all sleep better eventually but sometimes it's worth giving them a nudge in the right direction.

Yes.

DS was 9 months old and I had been following my instincts, feeding on demand and had rarely had more than 2hrs continuous sleep since he had been born.

I figured that since he had been on solids from 6 months he was not waking because he was hungry so I decided to go for controlled crying. First night I went in to reassure him the first time he cried and then I left the room quickly. Then I doubled the number of minutes each time before I went in again. It took about 2 hours before he went to sleep…but he slept all night. The next night it took 30 minutes. The 3rd night he didn’t cry at all.

That first night was absolutely horrible but to be honest the whole thing saved my sanity. I wish I’d done it a bit earlier.

There is no way I could have coped with a year of sleepless nights, let alone 2.5 years.

Many on this thread have no idea of how sleep training can work. Our consultant stayed with us for three nights when DT’s were seven months. It was very calm and no crying to sleep. She was training DH and I how to perfect a routine. 100% worth everyone trying it.
When you’re back at work you have to have proper sleep!

Just on the day Vs night, we found that once night was sorted, days worked afterwards and sorted themselves.

www.mybabysleepguide.com/2013/02/average-sleep-charts-by-age.html?m=1&fbclid=IwAR0bLCT6fcV3fH9pmM_-JQSo7SMtvM6tcjlYu8io_xywd2V6_MYrIfvzleE

We used this as a guide for dropping naps etc and found it really helpful.

I'd echo what everyone else with experience says- consistency is key. We literally wrote down our plan and agreed we'd stick to it for at least 5 days- otherwise any crying was 'wasted'. Neither of ours were left for more than 7 minutes at a time and both were sorted within 3 nights.

OP, your thread title asks a very simple question: 'AIBU to ask if you sleep trained your baby?'

I didn't. You requested a range of experiences, so I briefly posted a response, with an equally brief explanation as to why not. Had circumstances changed, perhaps with a 3-year old who still didn't sleep, then things would have been different. To me, SIDS was a legitimate concern pre-one.

That's all. I wasn't criticizing you, or conflating cry it out with other forms of sleep training which might not be as damaging. I followed precisely the brief you gave in your post: no more, no less.

@babyjellyfish maybe ask @mnhq to change the “if” in the title of your thread to “how”.

Yes, we did some form of sleep training with ours. After 7 months I night weaned them first (they were already napping in their cots at this point) and then did shushing and patting and gradual retreat.

It took one night with the first and was off an on with the second as she was an ill baby.

I never rocked to sleep much either. fed to sleep yes but not rocked. I was too unwell to start so didnt.

[quote Piglet89]**@babyjellyfish* maybe ask @mnhq* to change the “if” in the title of your thread to “how”.[/quote]
Good idea. Posters like me would then have skipped the thread: apologies that I haven't added anything particularly helpful.

@babyjellyfish I just downloaded the wonder weeks app (I'll need it soon as new baby was due last sat...) and can see that 10 months is slap bang in the middle of leap 7, and it started a couple of weeks ago, which fits with the start of the night parties. That's what all this is, once baby is out of the leap the night parties will stop. Learning to crawl will also be contributing but having seen you're in a leap I really think that's what it is and it will end in a few weeks (yes, not fun thinking this will continue for a while, but a definite light at the end of the tunnel.) Remember this is a sudden change - baby knew night from day before, which suggests something else is going on, and from experience I'd say it's developmental.

The naps thing is tricky because for some babies not getting enough day sleep means higher cortisol levels which means restless sleep. I see baby has 3.5 hrs currently. I'd be inclined to cap the total time at 3 hours with 4.5 hrs of awake time before going to bed. I really wouldn't try 1 nap at this stage - the last thing you want is to be sleep deprived AND have to deal with a tired, grumpy baby. If you get to a few weeks past the end of the leap and things are still awful then I'd look at reducing the total nap time slightly.

The beyond sleep training group on Facebook is really good for advice on nap tinkering.

Yes. It was never about leaving baby to cry for hours on end. Sometimes babies cry because they are over tired and want to be left alone. 10 minutes was my limit. If they were still crying I went to them. Obviously not when they were tiny. Good sleep habits are a life skill. I don't understand why anyone would want to have broken sleep for years and I can't imagine how waking up in the night can be good for a young child. And yes my DC have very different personalities but both slept through by 7-8 months and do not seem to have suffered any ill effects. It also meant that we could have more time as a couple occasionally as we knew we could leave them with family and they would fine.

@kritigirl

Nobody WANTS to have broken sleep for years: it’s just the best option for some people/what they feel most comfortable with/what they think is best for their children. That’s it.

My advice is get rid of all sleep props. You don't want DC to be reliant on anything to get to sleep, cuddles, milk, music, white noise. Otherwise DC will continue to cry out for you to provide that thing every time they wake up.

Make it as dark as possible. No night light.

DC in his cot in his own room, doors closed. If he wakes up but not distressed, don't go in. If he is distressed, check he doesn't have a poo, then repeat your chosen phrase: sleepy time/time to sleep or whatever.

Then go out and close the door. Set a timer and time how long he cries. It feels like forever when you are listening to it but may not be as long as you think before he goes back to sleep.

We had a sleep consultant who urged us not to go in as this would "reset" her and make the crying longer in duration. So stay out, if you can, and just commit to giving this a go for 2 or 3 nights.

Rinse and repeat every time he wakes.

On the first night of doing this, my DC went down to 2 awakenings. Sleeping 12 hours solid after 5 nights. Worst episode of crying was maybe 50 mins, but that was only once. By the end of the 5 nights it was 2-3 mins crying when put down. And afterwards she went to no crying at all, just happy babbling when you put her down in the cot.

He likes being in your bed. He is going to complain when he doesn't get into your bed. There is going to be some crying as that's his only way to complain. That doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing.

@ScrumpyBetty

It's not about leaving a baby to cry alone in a room though We sleep trained DS when he was 18 months old and we never once left him to cry it out. We did 'gradual retreat' and I was always there talking to him and reassuring him that I was still there but that he had to go to sleep.

Personally I think not having slept for more than 2 hours a night and being on the brink of a nervous breakdown was barbaric on me and I could not be a good mother to DS being so sleep deprived. When I started getting some actual solid sleep I'm sure I became a much more responsive, healthy and better mother.

Completely agree with this

Yesterday he only napped for half an hour in the morning and an hour and a half in the afternoon (from 2pm to 3:30pm). He was exhausted but still in a fairly good mood for his dinner and bath. Then we put him to bed on his cot mattress on the floor of his bedroom and I slept on another mattress next to him. He woke up a few times in the night but went back to sleep easily when I stroked him. I didn't feed him or even need to offer him water during the night. He made it through until about 6am and we are all feeling much more rested this morning. The room was dark and we had the white noise on all night, and he had fewer layers than usual. (Thanks for the reminder about Room temperature etc, I think maybe he has been too hot at night.)

I think we will do this for a week or so until we've got a better idea about his nap routine and he is used to sleeping at night again, then we'll have a go at putting his mattress back in his cot.

This is only the second time he's ever made it all the way through the night in his own room, and we've all had much more sleep than usual, so even though we are a long way off him sleeping through the night independently, last night still felt like a big improvement.

By the way, despite me not being very clear in my thread title, I have actually had some really useful advice from a range of people, including some of the people who might not have commented otherwise, so thank you all for your replies, it's been really helpful.

Oh that’s fantastic! Long may it continue.

That's great news! I'm glad you're feeling a bit more rested. Fingers crossed it continues!

No, I just followed her routine.

@londonrach

No, I just followed her routine.

Super helpful 🙄

I was lucky that she followed her routine... I honestly think some children sleep some don't.