To make DS 14 study 5 days a week

[L0stinCyberspace]

Is our study rota too much for DS 14 on a Mon Tue Wed Sat Sunday? 1 hour study max per day, 30 mins for 2 subjects on each day.

DS is very bright but very lazy re. study. Was considered "exceptional" in Maths by a teacher 2 years ago. Crams for all exams and still comes out with high marks. DH and I have noticed DS is disengaged with homework in the last few months and seems negative about classes, apart from 2 practical subjects. Spending nearly all his time online gaming when not playing sport that we bring him to.

His recent PT meeting confirmed our observations so we came up with a rota for study for 5 days a week. He has Thu off for music lessons and Fri off to chill. What do people think?

My children have to do whatever work is set and that's it, I wouldn't be forcing them to do an extra hour a day. They need time to relax and I like us to have time as a family as well.

@RocketFire7 that fair, you know your DCs. All I can go on is my experience and my DCs of that age do sports, music and also do well at school. I have never had to manage their study time as they are motivated themselves. Surely the point of this is for us to share our experiences and opinions. Doesn't make me wrong just because you feel differently, and vice versa.

Obviously I check they are up to date on homework etc and guide them, its not like I ignore them and let them do as they please though!

PugInTheHouse I never checked anything to do with homework. They weren't given any in primary anyhow and once they get to Y7 they need to take charge independently. The school would have picked up on homework not done. That's for the school, not parents. That doesn't mean I had no interest in my DCs' education, and it also doesn't mean that were all focussed at all times by any means - all DC go through waves of disruption or disinterest, fair enough - but it's not really for parents to check homework daily. Life's too busy for most people. What I definitely did do was make sure my DC could read in reception or Y1 or whatever it was and once that was done, over to them.

I do agree that parents need to make decisions with their own children in mind. It's easy to say that kids should be self motivated if you have a child who is capable of doing this. Perhaps if my child was very lazy or lacked the maturity and drive to motivate herself, I might feel differently. Though I do think that taking responsibility for their own stuff is one way in which they develop that maturity and drive, so it's a bit chicken and egg.

I only know that it would have been completely counterproductive to push my child when she was capable of managing her own workload effectively. It would have done more harm than good.

I haven't checked on homework since primary school either. I trust dd to do what she needs to do. If she didn't do it, then I guess she would need to deal with the consequences of that, but her teachers have always raved about her positive attitude to learning so I guess it all gets done!

No, not at all.

DD is in Y10 and the school expect them to do 90 minutes per day which may include homework if something is set.

So, she has a revision schedule for each weekday, the weekends are free at the moment unless she has assessment week looming.

DD is earmarked for grade 7 all round with some "may get an 8". But last report showed that she needs to do more to achieve this and she can do it.

I had one DS in particular who was a tearaway in Y11 and left him to it (the school got seriously exasperated with him). I told him once or twice that he was clever and about to waste his future (quite crossly: fed up with conversations with the school to be honest) and after about a year of messing around he settled down fine. Requiring him to sit down and work would have been completely unenforceable and might well have ended in a complete breakdown in our relationship. It's water which needs to be trodden very carefully.

My son’s homework was checked by me during primary school, he sat at the kitchen table while I made dinner so I could keep an eye on him. No biggie. After primary that was pretty much it. He’s doing A levels now and I think I and his Dad asked to check his UCAS form before he sent it and gave him the odd nudge (Cactus Junior have you sent that form yet? x4) as he started it in September and eventually sent it in early December. He is pretty motivated at this point but certainly not age 12. It does come as they mature but I wouldn’t like to have left him to his own devices earlier as he would have fallen behind.

Daughter is driven and wouldn’t dream of not doing a homework so hands off with her other than keeping her calm before exams and keeping up with her stationery requests.

goodbyestranger of course you didn’t check homework or make a study timetable or police the gaming, you have 8 children! It wouldn’t be possible, I imagine you just counted them in and out every day. Hats off to you but it does call for a different style of parenting. My Dad was one of 10 and the eldest 3 were in charge of the youngest 3, my Dad was one of the youngest and his sister Christine got him.

Yes Thecactusdidit fair point about time being stretched but I'm not at all clear that dictated a particular approach. If it did, then the result was appreciated by my DC who were full of the horrors of various micromanaging parents at their school (including the one who insisted on her DC running around a field every morning before school and fifteen minutes silent revision on the morning of any day with an assessment). Many of those DC resented their parents and arguably underachieved through boredom if nothing else.

My DC didn't parent for me.

I'm not offended by the comment incidentally, just stating my position as a matter of fact. A lot of people make false and rude assumptions about parents of large families being neglectful; I'm inured!

@goodbyestranger my post was badly worded, I don't physically check homework, I usually chat to the DCs and ask what their plans are, do they have homework, are they going out etc. General chat and provide help if they need it. My DS2 has various learning difficulties plus autism and ADHD so he sometimes needs help but he will usually ask if he needs it . He generally is very independent luckily.

I was just saying I haven't suddenly decided that I have no interest in their education, just that I let them do what they deem necessary. If they choose not to do homework then the school will soon be in touch. I definitely believe in them taking responsibility themselves in many aspects, ie I provide them with the correct school uniform/PE kit however I expect it to be put in the wash each week so I can wash it etc, I also tell them that by Sunday night that they need to ensure its all there ready for Monday. If they don't then they have to deal with that at school on Monday morning (their school is mega strict on uniform). Also DS1 pushes the boundaries with his skin tight (too short) trousers !)and white socks but he'll have to deal with the punishment if they notice. I don't forbid him to wear it. It's all part of their learning once in secondary school.

goodbyestranger apologies, didn’t mean to imply that but can see it reads that way, I got caught up reminiscing about my Dad’s huge family. They had a small farm and the system worked well for them, I think it was the norm in those days. For my Dad and Christine’s part it was a happy arrangement.

I do think kids find their level and parents have to accept that, but I am glad I kept an eye on my sons homework when he was younger and glad I tested him in spellings once a week. I thought this was the minimum and everyone did that. I am a Dubliner though and mums in Ireland are all over everyone’s business. If you watch the mum in Foil Arms Hogg sketches on you tube it’s like that!

I have noticed the English (don’t know about Welsh/Scottish) are very keen on children being independent. Quite right of course, they have to leave the nest, that’s a parents job. But every stage seems a bit early to my mind. It seems a race to get them talking, a race to get them to wipe their own bottom, a race to get them in school age 4, then it’s when they can do joined up writing and get a pen license . I digress.

In my family leaving an average 14 year old boy to his own supposed self motivation to kick in would be a crazy notion. A 17 year old yes of course. I have a Korean friend, an Indian friend and a Ukrainian friend (here in the UK) and my parenting is loosey goosey compared to them. My Ukrainian friend is of the school of, no piano practice for 20 mins, no dinner and my daughters ballet teacher makes her cry every week she is an excellent teacher. The kids are fine btw don’t worry anyone!

Right, I’ve rambled on, housework to be done.

Yanbu. Wish my parents had implemented something like this. Wasted potential just about sums up my life.

@Thecactusdidit in primary I thought the minimum expectation was to do spellings/reading etc. I definitely ensured DS2 practiced several times a day (otherwise he would have got 0 as was undiagnosed at that point with a processing disorder) and we read every day with both DCs. Homework never late in and TBH both boys would have been upset to get in trouble at that age. At secondary school age they are independent but both want to do well. I found that my looking at potential college courses in Y9 and the requirements etc really helped DS2 to focus. He finds school very difficult but really wants to do well bless him. DS1 finds it easy but likes to get high marks so works hard at exam time.

It works for us, it won't work for everyone.

The cactusdidit absolutely no need for apologies but thank you anyway.

You may well be generalising from the particular on the Ukrainian front (my father came from Lwow, and spent no time ever checking our homework - he spent much more time feeding urban foxes, shooing away cats, building elaborate guinea pig pens and other animal related activities which I think is much more a common feature of Ukrainians/ Poles than checking homework).

@Grumpsy

Going what seems to be against the grain here but I don’t see a problem with it. It’s setting expectations of focus and attention, and I think it will put him in good stead when he does have exams he needs to revise for.

Yep me too 🤷🏻‍♀️