To make DS 14 study 5 days a week

[L0stinCyberspace]

Is our study rota too much for DS 14 on a Mon Tue Wed Sat Sunday? 1 hour study max per day, 30 mins for 2 subjects on each day.

DS is very bright but very lazy re. study. Was considered "exceptional" in Maths by a teacher 2 years ago. Crams for all exams and still comes out with high marks. DH and I have noticed DS is disengaged with homework in the last few months and seems negative about classes, apart from 2 practical subjects. Spending nearly all his time online gaming when not playing sport that we bring him to.

His recent PT meeting confirmed our observations so we came up with a rota for study for 5 days a week. He has Thu off for music lessons and Fri off to chill. What do people think?

My Y9 (13) does an hour of school stuff - home work or some BBC bitesize or a bit of a maths app Tues to Fri but he decides for himself what to do. I think it's a good habit to be in and it means he doesn't spend all weekend doing homework

Good for you OP, yes he might only be Y9, but time goes fast and the sooner he gets into a study routine the better. Lockdown has meant that our children have lost over 2 years of education in real terms. I ask my DS2 to do 2.5 hours of schoolwork every day before he’s allowed to game. We live across from the school so he’s home by 2pm on Tuesday and 3pm the rest of the week, so I do not think this is unreasonable, as he spends an equal amount of time gaming afterwards. Each child is different so what is fine for one child will not work for another, as mothers we make that decision as we know are children best. My DS1 is doing his A levels and I have never had to get involved in his study routine or constantly check if he’d done his homework, revised etc as he is far more conscientious than his DB and much more organised.

Don’t micromanage him like this- you’re storing up trouble. He’s got to want to learn for himself. By all means encourage him and point out the benefits of getting decent exam results where appropriate but I’d stop at that.

Nachos2, that approach is not setting them up for excelling in anything- that drive and passion for something has to come from within.

@Eightiesfan

Good for you OP, yes he might only be Y9, but time goes fast and the sooner he gets into a study routine the better. Lockdown has meant that our children have lost over 2 years of education in real terms. I ask my DS2 to do 2.5 hours of schoolwork every day before he’s allowed to game. We live across from the school so he’s home by 2pm on Tuesday and 3pm the rest of the week, so I do not think this is unreasonable, as he spends an equal amount of time gaming afterwards. Each child is different so what is fine for one child will not work for another, as mothers we make that decision as we know are children best. My DS1 is doing his A levels and I have never had to get involved in his study routine or constantly check if he’d done his homework, revised etc as he is far more conscientious than his DB and much more organised.

People aren't necessarily disputing that, just think the routine is excessive and as the child has had no input into it will not comply with it as much as OP thinks depending on his personality. Also, my own thoughts are it needs to be a joint effort to put together something for engagement and so the kid learns about time budgeting and prioritising. Ironically I think saying "do x amount of homework or the router goes off" is lazy parenting.

@cherryonthecakes for every child who refuses to study there are another 9 that kind of want to, that mean to, but find it hard to get down to, or dont know how to do it effectively. These children you can help. Things I do with my kids are:
-Provide them with a suitable space to study (for ds1 this is the kitchen table, for ds2 it's his room).
-Talk to them about what they need to do an when they are going to do it.
-Remind them when it's time to get down to it.
-Test them on what they've revised or stuff like French vocab.

• teach them effective ways of revising
• keep an eye on school books and teacher's comments so I can see if it's starting to go wrong
• talk to them about particular pieces of work they are struggling with, or help them identify sources of support
• encourage them to evaluate their own work and effort.

So not rocket science but not just leaving them to it either. Although these days, after years of the above, I can leave it more and more to them.

I hope the OP is finding the thread helpful. I think the general view seems to be the 14yr old does his set homework and anything else is up to him. It’s a polite non name calling thread on the whole .

I am texting in the freezing cold watching a C team hockey match. Occasionally I dutifully shout “go again” to encourage a second tackle. I am largely ignored by the other mums as we don’t ski / shoot / didn’t go to school with their grandparents in 1847 etc. I don’t care, it gives me more time to daydream and their kids are nice to my kids so big picture it’s fine.

My two kids are v different, one is soooo laid back and needs encouraging (you may call it pushing) the other is extremely determined and academic and I am frequently taking books off them and saying that’s enough, watch something funny on YouTube.

If they are happy kids and stay off drugs we are doing ok, but 15 mins extra maths every evening might make all the difference to their prospects!

I can’t understand how people think this is weird or in anyway wrong. If your own parents don’t think you have it in you to make something of your life, how can you believe it? He needs to learn to self regulate though and take more pride in his own work.

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

Not lazy parenting at all, and the router does not get turned off. I have asked him to do something and most of the time he does. If he doesn’t spend the time, he tells me and will make up the time at the weekend.
My DS2 has ADHD so struggles to focus unless it is something he’s engaged with in which case he’s hyper-focussed. As I’ve said all children are different, my DS2 needs that routine, he’s very black and white so unless he is told to do something he’ll take it as being optional, and this includes some homework. If this after-school study time did not exist he would without a shadow of a doubt spend all his time gaming - that would be lazy parenting!

Isn't that what pretty much everyone is saying though? Self regulation and motivation is the key. Giving DCs the tools to do this and showing them the results you can achieve by working hard. This is different to insisting a child does a specific amount of work at this specific time. Sometimes the requirement could be working on something specific for over am hour, sometimes this could be just 15 mins of finishing homework.

If he crams for exams and does well Id leave him to it. Forcing him to study will only cause arguments. Plus hes likely to lie to say yes Ive studied when really he hasnt.
Very important he finds his own groove, his own willingness and motivation to crack on with whatever he needs to, to get the grades he wants. If he does badly in whatever tests he has coming up he will probably realise he needs to do more........ meantime Id leave him to it.

@AlexaShutUp

Frankly the reason we can afford school fees now is because we studied when everyone else was at parties.

The idea of my dd missing out on a social life now so that she can waste her money on private school fees for my future grandchildren sounds absolutely horrendous in my view. That is not what I want for her at all.

No silver spoons here either, but I did plenty of socialising as a teenager and still managed to excel in my exams, go to Cambridge etc. We could afford private school fees for dd now but choose not to because we are confident that she will do just as well in state. So far, this has proved absolutely right and she is thriving. Excels academically and in her extracurricular activities, while also doing lots of socialising on the side. She's 16 and that kind of balance is what I want for her. Not some weird regimented life without any time to just be.

Excellent post.

Lots of naturally bright kids do the minimum that they need to do, and get to good universities, without missing out on socialising. I understand if you're not someone that finds academic stuff easy, you might have to work really hard all of the time to get there, but that's certainly not the case for everyone.

You can't "make" someone study... on top of which, not everyone learns or studies the same way. Hours spent does not always equate to quality learning/studying. I wish my parents had realised this and actually bothered to understand me, how I think and how I work. Similar to another PP I had to sit in a room in silence and do over 20 hours a week of study from age 14-17. I don't work like that and my only saving grace was that no one bothered to check what "studying" I actually did... which was just as well as I spent most of it writing stories! Oh and I did fine in my exams and am now in a successful, professional career.

@UnderTheSea20k

I can’t understand how people think this is weird or in anyway wrong. If your own parents don’t think you have it in you to make something of your life, how can you believe it? He needs to learn to self regulate though and take more pride in his own work.

But he isn't learning self regulation at all?

[quote Eightiesfan]@ChateauxNeufDePoop

Not lazy parenting at all, and the router does not get turned off. I have asked him to do something and most of the time he does. If he doesn’t spend the time, he tells me and will make up the time at the weekend.
My DS2 has ADHD so struggles to focus unless it is something he’s engaged with in which case he’s hyper-focussed. As I’ve said all children are different, my DS2 needs that routine, he’s very black and white so unless he is told to do something he’ll take it as being optional, and this includes some homework. If this after-school study time did not exist he would without a shadow of a doubt spend all his time gaming - that would be lazy parenting![/quote]
My example and your example are at both ends of the scale and both are lazy parenting. There needs to be a joined up approach to this to get the kids to buy into it - especially as in this instance it's not his set homework, it's extra stuff.

I'm on teenager no 3, she is now 14.

I owuld say that the amount of study is excessive, and you are mocromanaging.

BUT you obviously have an issue aorund homework and him getting work done.

More effective would be to have some off line time every day.
Decide when and how much is reasonable, and then the internet goes off. So for example, come in from school at say 4 pm. Can play online till 6. Dinner at 6, no online after dinner.
Or the onternet goes off at 8pm.

But relax that at weekends.

All of mine are exam crammers, and to be honest, so was I. If you are an exam crammer, then you do all the work last minute and come out with straight good marks.
You can't make him be somethign he isn't, but you can give him sone structure and support

@steppemum

I'm on teenager no 3, she is now 14.

I owuld say that the amount of study is excessive, and you are mocromanaging.

BUT you obviously have an issue aorund homework and him getting work done.

More effective would be to have some off line time every day.
Decide when and how much is reasonable, and then the internet goes off. So for example, come in from school at say 4 pm. Can play online till 6. Dinner at 6, no online after dinner.
Or the onternet goes off at 8pm.

But relax that at weekends.

All of mine are exam crammers, and to be honest, so was I. If you are an exam crammer, then you do all the work last minute and come out with straight good marks.
You can't make him be somethign he isn't, but you can give him sone structure and support

This is a good approach and one my parents did with me. I was involved in a couple of sports at the weekends so evenings were a critical time for homework as I was home alone 4-6 after school most days although tended to not do much during that time.

As such we knew evenings were critical so we cross referenced my homework diary with social calendars and at times even the Radio Times if there was something significant on TV like a family film or sport event to make sure every thing got done (it always did) and yet I never felt like I was sacrificing anything to study so was happy to do the studying. If there was a blanket rule of when I had to do the homework with punishments if I didn't I wouldn't have done as well as I did at GCSE's and I thought I took that skill even more into A-Levels where I was very productive with my free periods.

Wasn’t sure whether to hit U or NU as I think there’s nothing wrong with having a study schedule as such, but I do think both weekend days is harsh.

I was a procrastinator who was good at exams. My parents thought I worked hard cos I spent a lot of time in my room mooning over posters of fit men and writing stories. I spent a lot of time at 14 on my mega drive.

I think good careers advice is more important. I outperformed most of my friends at gcse and a level, then ended up earning less than them because I didn't really know what sort of career to go for. The friends with more clued up parents chose more wisely.

OP they need to work out for themselves the correlation between work and the best grades . They need to want it themselves . I nagged my son a lot about working harder , in reality it needed him to be disappointed in his own results in tests and report to start working hard . I’m still waiting for my younger one to wise up . You are right to worry but not to micromanage

I totally agree, careers advice is so important, I had no idea what I wanted to do, got really good results and essentially could have had my pick of A levels, I was given no advice but I wanted to do music, when the course got cancelled last minute I had no clue what to do so I ended up doing leisure and tourism. I actually found one tiny bit of the course really interesting and did professional exams in that afterwards through work. I was lucky as I got a really good public sector admin job at 18 then manage to do the exams whilst being funded by them.

With DS2 (Y9) he has looked at the course he wants to do already and knows what he needs to get for it. Maths, Eng lang and Science. Science is a week subject for him overall but since looking at the course he is now revising for his end of unit tests and managed 1 mark off a 5 this time which is much better than last unit. He needed to find his own motivation.

Thank you very much for the replies.

It's interesting that the majority feel it's counterproductive, with a few saying it's OK and a few others saying modify approach or timing.

DH and I discussed it and are going to halve the time. We gave DS the option of 5 x 30 mins study sessions, however he wants to space them per week, until Easter. This means he'll have the weekend off completely. Then maybe back to the existing plan, nearer end of year tests.

I take the point that it is ineffective to just have him revise, so we're going to source videos online to support his learning and mix the approaches up a bit more, as well as teasing stuff out and testing him.

A few of you were asking why I pushing him for high marks. This isn't to do with me wanting to have an academic career path. If he wants to do a trade or other work that's totally ok but we are trying to get him to learn how short study done regularly actually commits to memory in a way that cramming doesn't. His teachers at the recent PT meeting also felt he had disengaged and needed to do more, because his potential previously been high. If he was a pass level student I'd want him to reach his potential based on that level too, iykwim.

Lots felt how would he ever learn how to study unless he worked out the need and motivation for himself. I do have a different viewpoint there! To me that's a bit like asking how will he ever learn how to wash himself on a daily basis unless I let him stink because that definitely would happen, unless I asked him to shower!!

Really was glad of the replies and advice, thanks.

Not sure the shower analogy works OP, that usually changes once hormones kick in properly. I couldn't persuade my 2 teen boys to not shower every day if I tried now.

Lots felt how would he ever learn how to study unless he worked out the need and motivation for himself. I do have a different viewpoint there! To me that's a bit like asking how will he ever learn how to wash himself on a daily basis unless I let him stink grin because that definitely would happen, unless I asked him to shower!!

No, the correct analogy would be to explain to him what happens if he doesn't shower - his friends and potential gf's/bf's wouldn't want to hang out with him and would probably make nasty comments to him. It would be a painful lesson but he'd learn to shower regularly. If he doesn't do the correct level of studying then there's potential for a disappointing outcome too.

Seems a productive day all round though and to echo a pp earlier, seems a very well balanced and well debated thread all round. Unusual for AIBU I guess

What are your expectations when it comes to his GCSE's?

Will you expect the highest grades possible or enough to allow him to progress to A Levels?

Never understood the pressure placed on kids to get high grades across the board at GCSE level especially if C grades are enough to progress to A Levels.