To make DS 14 study 5 days a week

[L0stinCyberspace]

Is our study rota too much for DS 14 on a Mon Tue Wed Sat Sunday? 1 hour study max per day, 30 mins for 2 subjects on each day.

DS is very bright but very lazy re. study. Was considered "exceptional" in Maths by a teacher 2 years ago. Crams for all exams and still comes out with high marks. DH and I have noticed DS is disengaged with homework in the last few months and seems negative about classes, apart from 2 practical subjects. Spending nearly all his time online gaming when not playing sport that we bring him to.

His recent PT meeting confirmed our observations so we came up with a rota for study for 5 days a week. He has Thu off for music lessons and Fri off to chill. What do people think?

So this is work over and above school homework?

This is very unreasonable. His studies are important, but so are other things in his life - and vegging out is not to be disregarded as unimportant.

If his homework is getting done then leave him be.

It's not really relevant whether they do something at private school, it is about the ability of the child in question. My DS is in year 10 and is bright, can pass exams easily, he is working at considerably higher level than his (very good) privately educated cousin who stuggles in Maths and science, he studies way more than DS due to the timetables of private schools, does sport on Saturday etc. But if anything he is resentful of doing that as he is an excellent football player but is forced to do all these other sports as he is a brilliant sportsman overall, he massively resents his time being micromanaged like this.

I agree though with the self motivation, my DS wants to be an Astrophysicist and this is all his own interest as we are both from Arts backgrounds. He is passionate about it so is motivated to get the grades - he is very much in command of his own destiny and that's the way it has to be I think. Guess what, to PP, he plays the guitar, football every lunchtime and goes out at the weekend as he is very sociable. Yes, he does leave at 3.15 from school but that in itself is irrelevant to his prospects.

My DS is nearly 15 and plays the guitar and plays football every lunchtime

My DD in secondary does maths everyday and any homework. She doesn’t do anything on a Friday but it’s at least an hour on the other days if not more. I have to nag her as she’s a lazy pickle !

Frankly the reason we can afford school fees now is because we studied when everyone else was at parties.

The idea of my dd missing out on a social life now so that she can waste her money on private school fees for my future grandchildren sounds absolutely horrendous in my view. That is not what I want for her at all.

No silver spoons here either, but I did plenty of socialising as a teenager and still managed to excel in my exams, go to Cambridge etc. We could afford private school fees for dd now but choose not to because we are confident that she will do just as well in state. So far, this has proved absolutely right and she is thriving. Excels academically and in her extracurricular activities, while also doing lots of socialising on the side. She's 16 and that kind of balance is what I want for her. Not some weird regimented life without any time to just be.

I think study days on both Saturday And Sunday at that age is a bit mean. Better for him to choose one of those days but double time- so same amount but not spread. That way he gets a full day at weekend when he doesn’t have to think about work.
How’d you like it being made to think about work or be in work 7 days a week?
As he gets older he may need to step up to 7 days for brief periods before exams etc ,( I did 10 hours/7days for 10 weeks prior to my end of year exams at uni ) but working 7 days a week is not a healthy habit, and certainly not at this age.
Instead try to also get him to go out for exercise r face to face time with mates rather than gaming

@TheJoyOfCats

I was "made" to study from age 13 to 18 for 30 hours per week on average. I physically sat in the room I was supposed to be studying in but mainly day dreamed:) not much work done

This. You can’t make a child of any age “study”. If you do they’ll go to their room but they’ll still day dream, doodle, listen to music or whatever- and if pushed they’ll lie about what they’re doing. Result is you’ll never know how much studying they do. Better to say that he has to have x amount of time without gaming on these days . Let him decide what he does with that time. Spend your time rewarding him verbally when he does study and encouraging it, ask him what his study plans are, sure, provide advice on how he might do that. But do not kid yourself if he’s at his desk, even looking at books, he is automatically studying

And yes, it's true that you can't make a kid study. One of dd's friend's parents did this during the GCSE years. They even locked his phone away to "help him focus". He just used his laptop to communicate with his friends instead.

I would have reacted very badly to being forced to sit down and study for an arbitrary length of time. It would totally demotivated my dd now too if we did this.

What will he study though? Will you provide the materials? You’ll need a pretty in depth knowledge of his subjects if you want to start providing further reading etc.

AlexaShutUp totally agree, I would also prefer my DCs didn't value studying and high exam grades over being a well rounded and sociable person. This is so so important to get on in life.

DS1 plays lots of sport, one in particular that takes up a huge amount of time. Is a working musician, again which takes up a lot of time but is also motivated at school. He will do well at school and is a well balanced lad so far.

DS2 has learning difficulties, autism and ADHD also, he will have to study more but whilst academically he is capable of 5-7 grades we will be concentrating on him getting 4/5 grades in order to get on the college course he wants. I don't want him spending all his spare time studying.

If I was employing someone in my team at work I would want a well rounded, sociable individual who works hard, has motivation, common sense as well as the required qualifications. People who are micromanaged by parents will often only have the latter.

That last paragraph refers to young adults going into work, I understand that an older adult with more maturity that won't necessarily apply to.

@MintJulia

YANBU. My ds is 13 and had the same issue. Now we have an evening routine.

In from school, change, snack, homework until it's finished. Absolutely no gaming/internet beforehand.

At the weekend, we agree what needs to be done on Saturday morning. Agree when he will do it. I set an alarm on my phone. If he doesn't do it, the router goes off.

No negotiation.

Your poor son when it comes to GCSE time.

@MintJulia

YANBU. My ds is 13 and had the same issue. Now we have an evening routine.

In from school, change, snack, homework until it's finished. Absolutely no gaming/internet beforehand.

At the weekend, we agree what needs to be done on Saturday morning. Agree when he will do it. I set an alarm on my phone. If he doesn't do it, the router goes off.

No negotiation.

I know you aren't feeding him glass or making him wear shoes two sizes too small but that's genuinely awful. What an existence. plus he's going to be completely under prepared for times in the not too distant future when he has to take responsibility for his time management.

MintJulia sounds like good parenting to me.

Assuming the child is able there are some low standards on here.

You all know that a good education, good grades means better prospects and choices in life. So many threads on MN wondering how people can earn more money, get on the housing ladder, save towards a pension. If it’s too late for you then look to your kids and encourage more homework less gaming and social media. They must have down time too of course but they will enjoy it more when they have done their hour of homework/study.

Raise your standards. Let your kids (again assuming they are able) feel what’s it like to be in a top set or get a A in a subject they enjoy.

Sounds about right to me OP.

Also a bit at the idea that an hour's study would stop you being well rounded and sociable. For my two it would just mean a hour less of farting around on line and have no impact on their social lives at all.

@Porcupineintherough the comments re not being rounded/sociable were in response to the poster saying her and her DH can afford private school for their DCs as they didn't go out partying like their peers and studied instead!

“Our study rota” ??
He’s 14 ! Far better to have a rational chat about life choices and opportunities.

Nachos2 - My DS1 is able and also got top grades in his mocks. I didn't make him study for an hour a day. He has been in top sets throughout his schooling. I just value other skills equally rather than forcing him to study all the time. Being able to do lots of things rather than just get 9s at GCSEs is way more important.

DS2 struggles as has a processing issue. To force him to study more is very stressful. He knows what he wants to do at college and what he needs to get there. He is very determined however we do not want him to study too much over his quality of life. He should pass all his exams but if he doesn't he can retake. There is plenty of time.

Getting As does not equal being a high earner!

Getting As does not equal being a high earner!

There's a pretty strong correlation bw educational attainment and future prosperity, esp if you control for inherited wealth.

Also one of the best things he can do when he’s old enough is to get a part time job. Having to be responsible for time keeping and working for someone else actually affects all areas of life.
Mine was a kitchen porter at 15 and he quickly realised that although it was good for pocket money, for some people it’s a full time job, and it made him work harder at school.

If he's so bright that he does his homework on other classes because he's bored, and prefers to study hard in advance of exams, I'd prob consider a tutor or a group that could provide more stimulation once or twice a week.

I'm not sure what the purpose is of your current approach? If he's getting good results, what are you trying to gain?

How old is he? Why have you devised a study rota - he's lazy, work on that. You can't force him to study he could just be staring blankly at the page.

How do you make a child study ?
How do you make sure he's doing something meaningful rather than sitting at a desk and doing something too easy or pointless so that he can tick it off as done ?
Are you able to keep up monitoring him in all subjects? I'd have no idea if MFL learning he was doing was the right difficulty or something aimed at year 7s,
What would you do if he said no?
Would you make sure he wasn't wasting time getting a drink, going to the loo, looking for the "right" pen etc ?

It sounds like your heart is in the right place but not sure you can force it.

OK, so my DS1 is able to get 8s and 9s in his GCSEs if he studied more, he'll likely get 7s and 8s. I don't believe it'll make any difference to him at all.

I am not disagreeing that doing well at school doesn't help with earning more, in most cases it will, I am talking about not sacrificing everything else for the best possible grades. I don't believe that helps you become a high earner. You need to be self motivated etc to do that, not micromanaged.

For me, teaching/showing my kids how important it is to work hard at school/college/work and how that has direct results is the most important thing. They both play instruments and work hard at their sports too, this does help with proving that hard work pays off.

There is a lot of research to show that playing an instrument or doing sport helps improve results also, this is due to how practicing these things shows a very obvious result. My DS is 15 and already being paid as a professional musician to a reasonably high level. He works extremely hard but I only ever remind him that he probably needs to practice X/Y/Z today, he chooses to do it/how hard he works at it.

If you look at the education system in the states the children who seem to do well are those involved in many different areas. My friends DS studied over there for university. He was at a top school and they push them to do lots of extra curricular stuff but also insist they achieve good grades. They have to be extremely motivated on their own. He is very successful and was never pushed to just study, he played lots of team sports etc also during GCSEs and A levels.

@Nachos2

MintJulia sounds like good parenting to me.

Assuming the child is able there are some low standards on here.

You all know that a good education, good grades means better prospects and choices in life. So many threads on MN wondering how people can earn more money, get on the housing ladder, save towards a pension. If it’s too late for you then look to your kids and encourage more homework less gaming and social media. They must have down time too of course but they will enjoy it more when they have done their hour of homework/study.

Raise your standards. Let your kids (again assuming they are able) feel what’s it like to be in a top set or get a A in a subject they enjoy.

You're of course bang on about good education and good grades but that is by no way guaranteed just by saying "right, do one hours study now or no internet later". Massive difference.

Also I would add that being a high earner is not the most important thing in life. I want my kids to do something they love. DH and I have high paid jobs but it's not something we 'dreamed' of doing. We chose a well paid career.

Our DCs have things they are passionate about , if they can work in those areas and earn a decent living I would much prefer that than them being 'high earners'.