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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS 14 study 5 days a week

142 replies

L0stinCyberspace · 05/02/2022 10:25

Is our study rota too much for DS 14 on a Mon Tue Wed Sat Sunday? 1 hour study max per day, 30 mins for 2 subjects on each day.

DS is very bright but very lazy re. study. Was considered "exceptional" in Maths by a teacher 2 years ago. Crams for all exams and still comes out with high marks. DH and I have noticed DS is disengaged with homework in the last few months and seems negative about classes, apart from 2 practical subjects. Spending nearly all his time online gaming when not playing sport that we bring him to.

His recent PT meeting confirmed our observations so we came up with a rota for study for 5 days a week. He has Thu off for music lessons and Fri off to chill. What do people think?

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 05/02/2022 21:13

It’s not something I’d want to force on my DC.

Unless he’s studying for specific exams right now, I’d just make sure he’s done his set homework and talk to him about the importance of putting effort it. At the end of the day if he’s being lazy he’s only failing himself. Hopefully he’ll see that.

Mischance · 05/02/2022 22:39

The more you press him, the more he will disengage.

Gentle encouragement; statements that you have faith in him to make the right decisions; letting him know you are there to help if needed - this is enough.

The message you are sending out to a boy who is doing just fine academically is that he cannot be trusted to manage his own revision. You need to hand him some responsibility and most importantly trust, rather than hover over him micromanaging his studies.

A young relative of mine did no homework (he said it was easier to do the detention than do the homework), achieved sufficient GCSEs to get on a college course from which he went on to university, where he is top of his year. He made his own decisions and has been proved right - he did not want his free time cluttered up with what he felt was unnecessary homework. We gave him our thoughts but trusted him to know his own mind. He has been proved right.

Now I am not holding this up as what everyone should do, but trying to demonstrate that there are different ways of getting there. We could have pressured him and made his life a misery, but chose to trust him.

jgjgjgjgjg · 05/02/2022 23:38

An hour of homework is pretty much what they are expected to do at private school at this age. As well as starting earlier and finishing later than the state school day.

FunnyGoingsOn · 06/02/2022 09:12

It depends on the child but I think it's much better to leave them to decide for themselves if you can. Ultimately they are working for their own good and their own future. I supported them
and facilitated their studies (nice environment etc) but the thought of forcing them to study never crossed my mind. I didn't do guilt tripping or anything either.
Maybe I was lucky but my kids all did well. Maybe one of them could have done better at A levels if he had worked harder but he ended doing a PhD so it was all ok. They went to a normal comp.

The reason I prefer this approach is that it makes the kids realise it's their life and that they are working for themselves and not because they are told too.

It also means they respect me as I didn't spend their teen years nagging them.
Obviously it didn't always run perfectly - we were a normal household.

goodbyestranger · 06/02/2022 15:45

It seems astoundingly unreasonable to me. I've had DC who were pretty focussed on things other than school work but something imposed on them would have never have worked, even had I had the inclination to interfere. I would leave your DS to it OP. If it's going to come good, it will, but it will come from him more easily if he doesn't resent you prescribing what he does with his time. Could backfire massively.

Scarlettpixie · 06/02/2022 16:19

It sounds unreasonable to me. If he is getting all his work done what is the problem? Having a music lesson after school isn’t a day off and Friday eve should be for chilling as he will be tired after the week at school. I think he needs a full weekend day off really at the very least. It also feels a bit like you are micro managing. He needs to learn for himself what work he needs to do to get the results he wants. Finally nothing wrong with cramming for exams so long as he gets the results. It works well for some people (I was one of them).

Poetrypatty · 06/02/2022 16:23

Why are you getting involved? This kind of over interfering in teenagers lives never seems to go well. Trust in him and leave him to it.

RocketFire7 · 06/02/2022 17:03

I don’t see any issue at all with your rules. In an ideal world, of course we’d want DC to be self-motivated. But 14 year old boys are not known for their long-term thinking skills.

All of my DC have study regimes in place and have to do a certain amount of study per day, which is age dependent.

I see it as my responsibility as a parent to do my best to make sure all achieve their potential. This won’t be straight A*s necessarily, but I do believe that all DC should be pushed to work hard and try their best. In some cases that will mean achieving all 9s and in others Cs would be a great result.

goodbyestranger · 06/02/2022 18:54

Well good luck with that RocketFire7. Bad call, I reckon.

goodbyestranger · 06/02/2022 18:54

We've had plenty of parents like that at school. Tends not to end well.

LemonsGreen · 06/02/2022 19:07

goodbyestranger gosh, how rude are you! It’s been such a sensible thread with alternative opinions politely expressed until you stormed in!

goodbyestranger · 06/02/2022 19:16

This thread is in AIBU, where opinions expressed directly are ok. If RocketFire7 doesn't want to lay herself open to direct responses, she should stay clear!

RocketFire7 · 06/02/2022 19:24

@goodbyestranger

What tends not to end well ime is parents burying their heads in the sand and thinking their DC can wing their way through their exams. It results in DC getting poor grades and not being able to make the future choices they want.

It’s our role as parents to push our DC to work hard and achieve the best they are capable of in all areas of live.

All DC should have a focused age-appropriate study routine in place and parents should be ensuring this is followed rather than allowing lots of screen time.

Poetrypatty · 06/02/2022 19:26

It’s our role as parents to push our DC to work hard and achieve the best they are capable of in all areas of live

I disagree. I think our role is to love and accept them for the people they are.

goodbyestranger · 06/02/2022 19:35

RocketFire7 please don't tell other parents what their role is. I have eight DC who are either at uni or out the other side. Too late for me to learn from you I think, but I'm quite content with having ploughed my own lazy furrow along the lines Poetrypatty suggests.

I didn't interfere in screen time or xbox time at all. Their choice, their future.

RocketFire7 · 06/02/2022 19:35

@Poetrypatty

That’s not parenting. DC should be pushed and expected to work hard.

goodbyestranger · 06/02/2022 19:37

Yes it is the essence of decent parenting.

goodbyestranger · 06/02/2022 19:37

DC should be encouraged but never, ever, ever pushed. Not in a million years.

Poetrypatty · 06/02/2022 19:55

DC should be encouraged but never, ever, ever pushed. Not in a million years

Agree. Mine are older too. Looking at their pals these pushy parents did no favours.

PugInTheHouse · 06/02/2022 22:50

DCs definitely shouldn't be pushed, encouraged, of course, but not pushed. This teaches them no skills for later in life.

Not being pushy is not just allowing DCs to wing their way through exams, it's giving DCs the tools to figure it out themselves and find the right way for them. Enforcing a study plan isn't helpful as they won't learn for themselves.

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 06/02/2022 23:34

@JBEM4 my expectations for his GCSE's would be to just match his general pattern of results as they were up to recently. If he was capable of a maximum of 40% and he achieved that I'd be delighted. But his recent exams had his Maths drop 2 grades to average which was the first time ever.

OP posts:
RocketFire7 · 06/02/2022 23:34

@PugInTheHouse

I do find this argument specious. Of course we ultimately want DC to be self-motivated and organised, but ime this tends to come naturally as they mature and have a firmer picture of what they want to achieve.

14 year olds doing GCSEs in most cases don’t yet have the maturity or motivation that will come later, so it’s our role as parents to step in and do what we can to push and support at this stage.

Original poster
L0stinCyberspace · 06/02/2022 23:42

@RocketFire7 I'm glad you agree! I'm definitely going to continue to ask my son to study and I see this as my parental duty. He would spend all day every day playing online in his PJ'S if he could! Just as I ask him to do some basic housework (chop vegetables, sweep kitchen, hang out clothes, empty bins) because He needs to learn, DH and I both do all these things too and I don't want DS to end up one of these useless men we read about so often on MN. That default laziness DS can have (hopefully) won't last forever but I won't let him slip into lazy habits with study.

OP posts:
violetmonster · 06/02/2022 23:43

This type of thread is so interesting to me, my parents never made me study or were particularly involved in my homework/studying - think they believed in natural consequences and it worked really well for me! I learned how to self manage and ended up doing a degree where I had to self study most of the time.

The same approach didn't work quite so well with one of my siblings, but even when my parents tried to make him study he pushed back harder, still did well but definitely not as well as he was capable of

Not sure what the right answer is, just interesting how we're all different!

Wintersun · 06/02/2022 23:57

My dcs have done similar and have thrived just by doing that little bit extra. I also see it as my duty to help my dcs do well at school and get the best exam grades that can. They know education is important and will give them choices.
It’s only a bit extra daily and they have plenty of time to hang out, have hobbies, help out and relax on screens.
Carry on op.

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