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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about changes to DPs stag

654 replies

Mizanined · 04/02/2022 14:55

Name changed for this in case the people involved are on here! :D

So DPs stag do before our August wedding is planned for Easter, his two best men booked a dozen of them in an AirBnB at the seaside for a weekend, about an hour from where most of our group (bar one couple G and B) live and grew up.

About two years ago G moved away up to Newcastle to be with his gf B who is from there. Just after the booking was made B messaged the best men asking if the venue could be moved as seaside town was a long way for G to travel, and hard for him to get home from quickly if needed (they have an 18mo DS). DP wasn't really bothered as hes just looking forward to having everyone together in one place for the first time in ages, and is keen to just drink and play video games etc. As a group theyre not massively into big nights out etc so in the end the best men agreed to move it. However the only comparable accom. available was in the next town along from us, where the boys all went to college and where DP currently works.

In the last week B has started messaging our main group chat; it transpires her and the baby are also going to drive down and stay somewhere locally for the weekend. Bit weird but fine! One of the best men who lives in the stag town even offered her his house to stay in for free for the weekend (he lives alone).

B has now messaged the group saying she has booked a place for herself - essentially the annex of the place the boys are staying! It is seprarate to their cottage but sharing a driveway and possibly even an entrance! She has now somehow got herself added to the boys group chat and is heavily pushing to be involved in events, including asking if their meal on the Saturday can be moved forward so she and baby can come (which would involve moving the one big outdoor activity they have booked), and oh if I'm coming we may as well invite Mizaninded and all the other girls as well!

Understandably the best men are getting a bit pissed off. DP to his credit is trying to be nice and just saying its fine, why not just turn it into a big group holiday etc but this just doesnt sit right with me for a few reasons:

  • The moving the venue to be easier for G is bollox because its barely 40 minutes difference
  • The new cottage does look lovely BUT its only the next town over from our home - seaside town would at least have been somewhere new to explore, opportunity for pubs / eating out etc but now if they want a pub etc it will basically the local places DP goes to all the time so won't be particularly special for him - AND to cap it off the new cottage is literally in the shadow of DPs work so it won't exactly feel like a holiday!
  • The boys won't exactly be taking cocaine and partying with strippers etc but a gf and baby just through the wall will totally change the dynamic!
  • Now starting to feel guilty about my own hen, which is about 3 weeks later and involves a beach weekend in a foreign country. Most of the guys gfs / wives etc are coming to this and the guys are all sucking up plans to solo parent etc for that weekend without complaint.

I guess I'm just feeling gutted for DP that this event, which is supposed to be special for him, has basically been completely taken over and am also a bit pissed off with B. I know its nothing to do with me really but AIBU?

OP posts:
Sally872 · 04/02/2022 19:48

Text your closest hen with a parter in the stag chat for update (sorry I am too nosey)

Also like PPs idea
Wind your neck in, and let the boys do their own thing and we'll have our own

LoisLane66 · 04/02/2022 19:48

NRAT but doesn't she have family in Newcastle to keep her company? I think it's a massive cheek to muscle in on someones STAG do. If it's only moved to the next town to you, it couldn't be far from the original seaside booking so why change it?
I think she just wants to keep an eye on proceedings. An 18 month old child isn't difficult for her to look after for a weekend fgs. I'd knock her ideas on the head. She's not in charge.

drpet49 · 04/02/2022 19:49

** If this was a man insisting he stay next door for the woman’s hen do people would rightly be saying that he was clearly controlling and she should run for the hills.

It sounds as if G is in an abusive relationship here tbh and if any of the other blokes are particularly close to him I’d be wanting to have a chat with him to make sure he’s ok.**

^This

19lottie82 · 04/02/2022 19:55

She sounds absolutely batshit!

Orchid876 · 04/02/2022 19:57

It's unfortunate that noone has told her she's being out of order already on the hen chat. If she doesn't let up complaining, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to tell her, out of concern for your DP. I'd check with him first, how he thinks G would respond etc, but you aren't really her friend. Your hens might not want to overstep if they don't know her, but, unfortunately, you're the common link between all of them on your hen chat. You can tell her, and know it's not you being unreasonable, she's being a crack pot. What's the worst that could happen? You and her fall out, so what, who cares, she's no loss anyway! It sounds like G knows she's barmy, so wouldn't be too put out by a bit of intervention from you.

YellsiBabs · 04/02/2022 19:57

Utterly ridiculous that it’s been let go this far already. Tell B no and remove her from the group. Also rebook accommodation.

Does anyone actually know her well and can have a frank conversation? This could be anything from anxiety, long term PND, controlling partner (in either direction), he's cheated on a stag before, or just plain batshittery. And without talking to her, there's no way to tell exactly how unreasonable she's being. ok then G doesn’t go, sorted.

Hawkins001 · 04/02/2022 20:00

Pickles, you need a new source of intel op

LoisLane66 · 04/02/2022 20:01

B is saying that she 'can't afford' to cancel the annexe booking as she wouldn't get her money back which is pure nonsense. If she actually STAYED she wouldn't get any money back so she needs to stay at home in Newcastle with the child and amuse herself. No texts or calls to G and no spoiling his fun just because she has issues from her past.

I can't see G&B's relationship lasting if she's so controlling.

YellsiBabs · 04/02/2022 20:03

@Mizanined Meanwhile all my hens are being uncharacteristically quiet...

Get rid of her, she is absolutely ruining the dynamic of your hen. She’s completely railroaded your DP stag and she’ll do the same to your hen do. Make an excuse or have a bridesmaid message her privately and suggest she stays at home with her 18m old as neither the arrangements of the stag or hen do can be tailored to her specific requirements.

She’s a grownup, you can’t let her issues become your problem.

BobHadBitchTits · 04/02/2022 20:04

"No you can't join in the stag do you crazy bint"

Vloggamammy · 04/02/2022 20:05

@fruitbrewhaha It is baffling - imagine trying to control another persons stag. It would be bad enough if it was her own partner but to do this to someone else, to try to control a bunch of grown men, who lets face it from what OP is saying they weren't exactly going to go wild just some pubs and video games - what exactly is her problem. She could go anywhere else with her baby and enjoy some quality mom and baby time. Some people baffle me.

erinaceus · 04/02/2022 20:07

This saga could be a BBC3 made-for-TV drama. Or at least a Radio 4 afternoon play.

To OP's DP -- I do hope that you enjoy your stag do, whatever the fallout from the practicalities.

MaChienEstUnDick · 04/02/2022 20:14

I would literally become your new BF for the chance to get on that hen chat and tell her where to go. I've had a rough week and am spoiling for a fight. If anything, it would be a favour to my perfectly lovely DP...

Ewock · 04/02/2022 20:16

In your position I would message on the group that actually no they aren't being dicks and id appreciate it if She didn't insult my dp. I'd also tell her stag dos are for the stage not their wives and babies and ask how is it ok for to go on the hen by herself but her dh can't attend the stag without her?

MsTSwift · 04/02/2022 20:16

This thread is giving me flashbacks to the thread about a nutter that brought her toddler to an all woman weekend break despite being specifically asked not to. Was epic hence why I remember it years later!

Vloggamammy · 04/02/2022 20:17

Just had a thought, if B is not nipped in the bud, every time one of the guys has a stag she'll be butting in and controlling them too. This sets a precedent for her. It will be - well it was fine before when I came with the baby . Then she'll have another baby and before long the stag parties will turn into kiddy fun days. She has to be stopped. Nightmare she sounds like. I'd say poor G is really embarrassed by it all.

Vloggamammy · 04/02/2022 20:20

@Ewock

In your position I would message on the group that actually no they aren't being dicks and id appreciate it if She didn't insult my dp. I'd also tell her stag dos are for the stage not their wives and babies and ask how is it ok for to go on the hen by herself but her dh can't attend the stag without her?
Unless she's planning on bringing the baby and and G to the Hen too - who knows what she's planning by the sounds of her.
Original poster
Mizanined · 04/02/2022 20:21

Ok 2 fairly bonkers things have just happened in quick succession:

  1. Text to DP from G saying basically sorry but i probably cant come
  1. Text to ME from BM2, saying the restaurant for the saturday have texted him - thanks for amending the booking, which they can now confirm has been moved to 5pm rather than the original 8pm, and confirming extra guest and extra high chair. BM2 asks do I know anything about this?

Sorry if this makes no sense but FUCKING HELL

OP posts:
Itsalmostanaccessory · 04/02/2022 20:26

Oh no.
He needs to call the restaurant back and set them right and tell them not to allow any amendments.

And they all need too send a message to G telling them they love him and they're there for him when he is ready but that they cannot allow B to get this involved in anything so need to cut her out. He cant come if it involves her at all.

Pirate009 · 04/02/2022 20:27

Omg she’s utterly crazy!!! I cannot believe she has changed the meal. Who actually does that. She cannot have anyone to talk to about this otherwise her mates would be telling her it’s abnormal and that she can’t do what she’s already done. Surely G cannot be onboard with this? It seems he’s trying to stop it and the ultimatum is it’s her way or not at all.

Flowersandbread · 04/02/2022 20:27

Wow, that's crazy of her. No way in hell my dh and his friends would have put up with that. Will be best for all if G drops our

Womencanlift · 04/02/2022 20:27

The best men need to tell G to tell his girlfriend to back off. Then they need to rearrange as much as they can without telling G. If he comes then they tell him the details on the day

Oh and if I were you I would be telling her to back off or she will be disinvited from your hen. To be honest I would disinvite her anyway but guess that may cause more issues especially at the wedding

Oh there is a thought, what details on your wedding day will she want changed to suit her?

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 04/02/2022 20:27

You need to step in now on behalf of your DP and say in the hen chat that she has to back off

MaChienEstUnDick · 04/02/2022 20:28

Christ on a bike, she moved the restaurant booking??

BM needs to call them right back and get it moved again. Grown men on a stag do sitting down to their tea at 5pm. Sakes.

MaChienEstUnDick · 04/02/2022 20:28

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet is right though, someone has to step in here.

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