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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about changes to DPs stag

654 replies

Mizanined · 04/02/2022 14:55

Name changed for this in case the people involved are on here! :D

So DPs stag do before our August wedding is planned for Easter, his two best men booked a dozen of them in an AirBnB at the seaside for a weekend, about an hour from where most of our group (bar one couple G and B) live and grew up.

About two years ago G moved away up to Newcastle to be with his gf B who is from there. Just after the booking was made B messaged the best men asking if the venue could be moved as seaside town was a long way for G to travel, and hard for him to get home from quickly if needed (they have an 18mo DS). DP wasn't really bothered as hes just looking forward to having everyone together in one place for the first time in ages, and is keen to just drink and play video games etc. As a group theyre not massively into big nights out etc so in the end the best men agreed to move it. However the only comparable accom. available was in the next town along from us, where the boys all went to college and where DP currently works.

In the last week B has started messaging our main group chat; it transpires her and the baby are also going to drive down and stay somewhere locally for the weekend. Bit weird but fine! One of the best men who lives in the stag town even offered her his house to stay in for free for the weekend (he lives alone).

B has now messaged the group saying she has booked a place for herself - essentially the annex of the place the boys are staying! It is seprarate to their cottage but sharing a driveway and possibly even an entrance! She has now somehow got herself added to the boys group chat and is heavily pushing to be involved in events, including asking if their meal on the Saturday can be moved forward so she and baby can come (which would involve moving the one big outdoor activity they have booked), and oh if I'm coming we may as well invite Mizaninded and all the other girls as well!

Understandably the best men are getting a bit pissed off. DP to his credit is trying to be nice and just saying its fine, why not just turn it into a big group holiday etc but this just doesnt sit right with me for a few reasons:

  • The moving the venue to be easier for G is bollox because its barely 40 minutes difference
  • The new cottage does look lovely BUT its only the next town over from our home - seaside town would at least have been somewhere new to explore, opportunity for pubs / eating out etc but now if they want a pub etc it will basically the local places DP goes to all the time so won't be particularly special for him - AND to cap it off the new cottage is literally in the shadow of DPs work so it won't exactly feel like a holiday!
  • The boys won't exactly be taking cocaine and partying with strippers etc but a gf and baby just through the wall will totally change the dynamic!
  • Now starting to feel guilty about my own hen, which is about 3 weeks later and involves a beach weekend in a foreign country. Most of the guys gfs / wives etc are coming to this and the guys are all sucking up plans to solo parent etc for that weekend without complaint.

I guess I'm just feeling gutted for DP that this event, which is supposed to be special for him, has basically been completely taken over and am also a bit pissed off with B. I know its nothing to do with me really but AIBU?

OP posts:
Vloggamammy · 04/02/2022 18:42

@fruitbrewhaha

Is it too late to change the booking to the seaside house? How much would they loose in deposit? I think I'd suggest they change it back and tell G he can travel that bit further or not come. Then tell B to wind her neck in.
This.
Figgygal · 04/02/2022 18:42

She is massively overstepping
Does she have no social awareness at all?
At least her oh has recognised its not on

Gilly12345 · 04/02/2022 18:45

She is a cf and sounds needy.

The organiser should of spoken up earlier about her coming, perhaps she should be told it is a blokes/stag weekend and she should make her own plans and leave the men to their stag activities/meals out.

She really should get a life.

Crimeismymiddlename · 04/02/2022 18:45

This is bonkers. Her boyfriend needs to stop it, and it sounds like he knows that she is mental and will shut it all down. She obviously has used the fact she got the venue to change as permission to release the crazy.
The whole vibe of your DF stag will be ‘women who brought boyfriend on girls night’ It’s bad enough that she is basically staying in the same house and glomming on to your friends. I bet she complains the noise is disturbing them!
I feel bad she is going on your hen.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/02/2022 18:46

@Vloggamammy

yes was just about to say ive re read - ok I still dont know what G's gf has to do with OPs DH stag. If she doesn't want him going why doesnt she just say instead of trying to control someone elses stag.
Well it is completely baffling, isn't it? Goodness know what she is thinking.
Glenthebattleostrich · 04/02/2022 18:48

WTAF? Can one of your hens who doesn't really know her ask in the hen group what she is doing in the area? Cos it would be a bit bat shit crazy to be following her bloke on a stag do lol?!

AlternativePerspective · 04/02/2022 18:49

If this was a man insisting he stay next door for the woman’s hen do people would rightly be saying that he was clearly controlling and she should run for the hills.

It sounds as if G is in an abusive relationship here tbh and if any of the other blokes are particularly close to him I’d be wanting to have a chat with him to make sure he’s ok.

As for B, I would post a reply in the hen group chat saying “no, of course we’re not free, it’s a stag do, and obviously we wouldn’t crash that any more than we would want them crashing ours. Go and have a nice weekend on your own.

Your DP needs to grow a backbone over this, cancel the whole thing if need be tbh, but regardless of what he does, I just wouldn’t tolerate her involvement and would uninvite her from the hen do.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2022 18:53

Well, all I can say is that DH's BFF had a gf (now wife) that sounded exactly like B. Get ready for the hurricane is all I can say.

The 'guys' (DH, BFF, and 5 others) met up a few times a year in connection with their shared sport. It usually involved camping or a hotel depending on location. None of the wives/gfs went as they enjoyed the 'guy time', were gone all day, and all the wives/gfs had 'me time' (separately, we didn't live near each other).

After they married she started coming to the sport meetups and sticking to her DH like glue. Then she started 'organizing' which parts to the meet he would be participating in and 'activities' for the two of them during that time. Then she started reserving a hotel room for her and him, regardless of whether or not the group was camping and in a separate hotel if they weren't. Then she started having them either arrive at a later date or leave before the events were over. Throughout it all she was alienating his friends by little 'comments' to them or dripping poison about them, generally being 'bossy', and eventually lying to her DH about them. This eventually spread to every part of her DH's relationships with his friends. It ended up with the friendship group having to 'drop' him because she was causing too much havoc.

Early on, the wives/gfs tried to be friendly with her, but she pretty much did the same thing with us. Increasing bossiness and then the lies and trying to alienate us from each other and us from her DH. We never could figure out what made her tick. After awhile, we no longer cared.

Not saying this is inevitable with 'B'. Just keep your eyes open.

Myinsidevoice · 04/02/2022 18:54

She sounds very insecure. She might be worried about staying home alone but seems to be the idea of 2 other women being at the meal that has perhaps made her paranoid.
I’d maybe message her and say that it’s a stag do and for your partners friends only.
She’s clearly not close to any of the guys and taking a baby just seems completely inappropriate. I’d be polite to her about it but state the point that she isn’t to attend any of the events. I can imagine her partner staying with her in the annexe rather than with the guys!

Batoutofhell70 · 04/02/2022 18:59

@Itsalmostanaccessory

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2998359-AIBU-You-dont-bring-a-toddler-to-a-hen-do?postsby=whyhastherumgone&fromid=70954237

@SecretKeeper1
@Tiredmummyof3

I think this is it. Goes on to a second thread at least.

Woweee this is fantastic
Blahblahblah40 · 04/02/2022 19:05

@Mizanined

DP and best men have just had a text from G basically saying really sorry this has escalated so quickly and hes going to sort it out. Will keep everyone posted...
Poor bloke has probably been at work all day and come home to this shit show. 😂
theleafandnotthetree · 04/02/2022 19:16

@MrsTerryPratchett

Does anyone actually know her well and can have a frank conversation? This could be anything from anxiety, long term PND, controlling partner (in either direction), he's cheated on a stag before, or just plain batshittery. And without talking to her, there's no way to tell exactly how unreasonable she's being.
But no matter which if any of those it might be, she doesn't get to ruin someone elses stag weekend! This is not some emergency situation, it's a planned and looked forward to social gathering which it is WILDLY inappropriate for her to attend.
Electriq · 04/02/2022 19:29

You know exactly what will happen if she goes, she will just weed her way in to everything, in their place, out for drinks, she will be there, this needs to be nipped now.

The comments in the group chat are snipes about it being a stag do, she should be removed.

whynotwhatknot · 04/02/2022 19:29

What a weirdo-is she going on your hen

why is it ok for he to go abroad and he cant go up the road for the stag

Original poster
Mizanined · 04/02/2022 19:30

Ok so BM1 has sent her a nice but firm message in the group basically saying how ridiculous this is getting. She hasnt replied BUT has been posting in my hen chat venting about what dicks the guys are being (in her view). BM1 has also actually removed DP from the stag chat basically saying you shouldnt have to worry about all this, which is sweet but also annoying cos now I have no idea what is being said! Also just had a look and original seaside place no longer appears to be available on their dates :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Mizanined · 04/02/2022 19:33

Meanwhile all my hens are being uncharacteristically quiet...

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 04/02/2022 19:36

Hens are sitting on their hands but wait till the Friday night wine goes down...

BitterTits · 04/02/2022 19:37

They prob have a new thread to protect you.

This doesn't bode well for G in the future.

MrsTimRiggins · 04/02/2022 19:37

How on earth has no one actually just asked what the fuck she’s playing at? Being polite and overly nice certainly hasn’t worked out in this situation. This is so unfair on your DP, you only get one stag do, she’s being awful trying to ruin it.

FirstTimeSecondTime · 04/02/2022 19:42

Why haven’t you said to her, on your WhatsApp group, that you would like for your dh to have the stag do he deserves. Not in a place, next to his work?

TheFuckingDogs · 04/02/2022 19:44

Ooh just signing in for the drama to develop, you all sound like a lovely bunch of people OP, hope your partner gets the stag he deserves

Sally872 · 04/02/2022 19:44

Sounds like BM1 has it in hand, but I would also really wish I could see that chat! Hopefully all resolved soon.

TolkiensFallow · 04/02/2022 19:45

I think the hens have a side chat. I think you should text the most outspoken and moot calling her out in the hen chat.

RedToothBrush · 04/02/2022 19:45

@Mizanined

Meanwhile all my hens are being uncharacteristically quiet...
Just say it.

"Wind your neck in, and let the boys do their own thing and we'll have our own"

RedToothBrush · 04/02/2022 19:46

@MrsTimRiggins

How on earth has no one actually just asked what the fuck she’s playing at? Being polite and overly nice certainly hasn’t worked out in this situation. This is so unfair on your DP, you only get one stag do, she’s being awful trying to ruin it.
This.

Just be direct. Then its her choice as to whether she can shut up.