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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be driven nuts by these shopping habits?

177 replies

pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 14:53

This is very much something I think my grandparents have passed on and it's slowly pushing me over the edge. My DM is ok financially but refuses to pay more money than she absolutely has to for anything.

She likes to get different things from different supermarkets. She doesn't drive and she spends her weekend going between Sainsbury's, Aldi, Asda, M & S and Tesco to do her full shop. This involves many bus trips.

I will happy take her by car to do her shopping but I can't cope with the multiple shops. She wanted a specific bar of chocolate and in Asda it was £1.50 and she refused to get it as 'its only £1 in Tesco'. She would rather check out, drive to Tesco (or get the bus if she was by herself) and go into another supermarket on the off chance they had it, to save 50p.

I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag. I get her an online delivery for heavier items but she seems to sort of revel in this hunter/gatherer role. During the pandemic when you were meant to limit outings she was constantly roaming different supermarkets and wasn't going to let a pandemic get in the way of 'I prefer Aldi brand of XYZ'.

Is this an age thing? Should I be more accommodating? She expects me to do it to and when she's rummaging in our fridge (!) tells me I've overspent by £2 by getting whatever from this one shop instead of shopping around.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 04/02/2022 16:19

Is she a bit short of cash? Is she claiming her state pension done everything she can to reduce her outgoings?

Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 16:19

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

My parents are 66 and 70 and not elderly. They are both fit and healthy and spritely. Far from elderly.
Good for them. But you can be fit and elderly. Average age of death for men is 79 and for women 82.
Georgeskitchen · 04/02/2022 16:20

We're she or her parents brought up in WW2? My mum was a wartime child and she learnt that absolutely nothing was to be wasted, which is absolutely not a bad thing BTW!!
She has always been very prudent with money, but nowhere near OPs mum. I have certainly taken on some of my mother's waste not want ways (again, no bad thing)
I think OPS mum.is a bit extreme however.
But I would just let her get on with it if it makes her happy!!

LuaDipa · 04/02/2022 16:20

My mum does this and I’m ashamed to say I have hidden tendencies too! Thankfully the fact I don’t have the time to be traipsing from one supermarket to another saves me from myself, but I do find myself making a mental note to buy it next time I’m in the other shop when an item is more expensive.

My mum also prefers to use the bus with her free pass than the lovely car sat on her drive and hates having the heating on at a temperature that you can feel. She’s not actually hard up, in fact she’s relatively well off for a pensioner, she just hates spending more than she has to on essentials. Funnily enough this doesn’t extend to posh coats or designer bags.

It’s just her little quirk. She has the time and she enjoys it so I leave her to it. If I take her we visit one shop only so it doesn’t affect me too much (aside from having to listen to her, which I can cope with).

CurryLover55 · 04/02/2022 16:20

I’m only 12 years off 68 & don’t appreciate the term “ elderly “ for any age actually!!

Flyinggeese1234 · 04/02/2022 16:22

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

My parents are 66 and 70 and not elderly. They are both fit and healthy and spritely. Far from elderly.
I agree it sounds inappropriate but I think technically’elderly’ is over 65. Just a terminology thing.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/02/2022 16:22

Actually yeah
Elderly is a loaded term. People in their 60s and 70s are 'older'. That's it. Elderly for me is anyone above the average age of death!

mafted · 04/02/2022 16:22

I do this! It's come from having to do it when we were really skint and now we're not I'm finding it hard to break. I have a maximum price on my head for everything and struggle to go over it.

Deux · 04/02/2022 16:26

I really don’t think you should discourage her. All that moving around is passive exercise and really good for her health.

EdenFlower · 04/02/2022 16:30

My PIL are like this. They are retired, and every day they go to a different supermarket. I can't understand why they want to spend their days doing this- they never go out for the day. If i was retired I would want to spend my time doing all the things I never have time for due to work and child commitments. I'd visit pretty little towns, have coffee and cake, go to art galleries, museums, countryside walks, the cinema, the theatre, the seaside etc. They do none of this- they spend their days at the supermarket and making their tea- MIL is so bored she starts cooking each meal two days ahead- chopping the veg for tea at 9am...I just don't get it!

Original poster
pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 16:36

@Ponoka7

"I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag"

I see someone has beat me to it, but Let her? It isn't up to you and she doesn't have to alter her behaviour because you feel guilty. She isn't asking for lifts. She's keeping fit. What else is she going to be doing?
She isn't elderly, she's got ten years yet. She sounds like my Mum, who was still doing this until her late 70's. She was well until she died, no care home etc needed. I've got people in my life who keep offering lifts but it cuts down on what I can fit in, so I reject the offers and I'm healthier for it.

I meant let her get the bus rather than offer lifts. She's not asking for lifts but she never turns them down and I know she finds it easier when I take her.
OP posts:
TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 04/02/2022 16:38

My gran and MIL both did this. They got a lot of pleasure from it. Like other pps have said, just leave her to it. She wouldn’t go if the journey or weather bothered her.

Original poster
pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 16:38

FWIW I did google the definition of elderly before I used it and its 65. Over 60's have a free bus pass and qualify for concession at attractions.

OP posts:
Crepusculum · 04/02/2022 16:43

Oh OP! Just read that she's only 68 Shock. I definitely don't consider the average 68 year old to be elderly.

She can do what she wants! I can't say I agree with her logic but if she enjoys it and doesn't expect you to do it for her/get involved with driving her then I can't see the problem.

KittyTail · 04/02/2022 16:44

Yes, definitely generational. She would have started grocery shopping for herself in the 1970s when most people were on a very tight budget. Very much like where where we are heading now. The cost of living for most was very high. I’m 52 so I remember the oil strikes and how tight things were. I think it’s just a habit that no one will be able to change. All you can do really is be as supportive as you can. Sounds as though she’s pretty independent and actually traipsing round by foot and bus will keep her healthy and active. Smile

Hawkins001 · 04/02/2022 16:48

When I need to go to x shop, usually i already know the sections I need the items from.

Chewbecca · 04/02/2022 16:48

Over 60s don't get a free bus pass outside London and Wales btw - it is state pension age now which is 67 for a man turning 60 this year.

redbigbananafeet · 04/02/2022 16:48

@pumpkinsquish1

This is very much something I think my grandparents have passed on and it's slowly pushing me over the edge. My DM is ok financially but refuses to pay more money than she absolutely has to for anything.

She likes to get different things from different supermarkets. She doesn't drive and she spends her weekend going between Sainsbury's, Aldi, Asda, M & S and Tesco to do her full shop. This involves many bus trips.

I will happy take her by car to do her shopping but I can't cope with the multiple shops. She wanted a specific bar of chocolate and in Asda it was £1.50 and she refused to get it as 'its only £1 in Tesco'. She would rather check out, drive to Tesco (or get the bus if she was by herself) and go into another supermarket on the off chance they had it, to save 50p.

I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag. I get her an online delivery for heavier items but she seems to sort of revel in this hunter/gatherer role. During the pandemic when you were meant to limit outings she was constantly roaming different supermarkets and wasn't going to let a pandemic get in the way of 'I prefer Aldi brand of XYZ'.

Is this an age thing? Should I be more accommodating? She expects me to do it to and when she's rummaging in our fridge (!) tells me I've overspent by £2 by getting whatever from this one shop instead of shopping around.

What's the harm in it? Is she retired? How would you rather she spent her time than doing something she enjoys and sees as important?
lottiegarbanzo · 04/02/2022 16:48

Think of it as her hobby.

She knows she can order online or go to one shop. She chooses not to.

TatianaBis · 04/02/2022 16:50

She's only 68 OP, she obviously likes her little trips or she wouldn't do them.

FoamBurst · 04/02/2022 16:51

I know someone who does this to save 2p from shop to shop. Walks. Not short of money.
Routine is leave home. Lidl poundland sainsburys tesco. Write prices down then go back to each shop for what she needs.

It takes a good 4 hours and to save maybe 50p in total.

Original poster
pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 16:52

@Chewbecca

Over 60s don't get a free bus pass outside London and Wales btw - it is state pension age now which is 67 for a man turning 60 this year.
They do in Scotland.
OP posts:
SamphiretheStickerist · 04/02/2022 16:52

@pumpkinsquish1

FWIW I did google the definition of elderly before I used it and its 65. Over 60's have a free bus pass and qualify for concession at attractions.
Out here in NotLondon we don't get many conversations at all at 60.

And your mum is now the age I will be when I reach retirement age. Old but not elderly.

Definitions have to change with life expectancy.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/02/2022 16:53

It’s her choice. She could shop online or use one shop. If you are being kind I’d offer to take her to x shop but be clear it’s not supermarket tour time.
Her choice.

Wexone · 04/02/2022 16:59

My mother does this, we driver her wrong joking that she will drive 4 hours to save 50 cents on a carton of milk. Also she spends her lunch break going to different ships every day. Where i am one shop, same shop every two weeks for the big shop, stick rigidly to the list. Cant bulk buy as i don't have the space. If we need milk or something we use the local shop for it during the week, but that is only once a week mostly. They think they are saving money when in the long ruin its cost them more in time, fuel cost plus whatever bits they pick up in that shop too. Its a generational thing i say . I prefer to spend my time at home or with friends not traipsing to one shop and another . All i say is with you that as long as she is not asking you to do it with her, let her crack on and dont let it get to you