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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be driven nuts by these shopping habits?

177 replies

pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 14:53

This is very much something I think my grandparents have passed on and it's slowly pushing me over the edge. My DM is ok financially but refuses to pay more money than she absolutely has to for anything.

She likes to get different things from different supermarkets. She doesn't drive and she spends her weekend going between Sainsbury's, Aldi, Asda, M & S and Tesco to do her full shop. This involves many bus trips.

I will happy take her by car to do her shopping but I can't cope with the multiple shops. She wanted a specific bar of chocolate and in Asda it was £1.50 and she refused to get it as 'its only £1 in Tesco'. She would rather check out, drive to Tesco (or get the bus if she was by herself) and go into another supermarket on the off chance they had it, to save 50p.

I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag. I get her an online delivery for heavier items but she seems to sort of revel in this hunter/gatherer role. During the pandemic when you were meant to limit outings she was constantly roaming different supermarkets and wasn't going to let a pandemic get in the way of 'I prefer Aldi brand of XYZ'.

Is this an age thing? Should I be more accommodating? She expects me to do it to and when she's rummaging in our fridge (!) tells me I've overspent by £2 by getting whatever from this one shop instead of shopping around.

OP posts:
Vodkaandgingerale · 04/02/2022 15:54

This is a photo I took at my PIL house ... it reminds me of how much time they have 🤣🤣🤣🤣

To be driven nuts by these shopping habits?
Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 15:57

@christinarossetti19

68 isn't really elderly, not if someone is in good health.
Yes it is.
AThroneOfLies · 04/02/2022 15:57

I’m in my 30s and do this - I limit it to 3 shops and 2 are next door to each other but it’s because I don’t have a lot of money and prefer things from certain shops eg - Aldi are cheap for most things but I don’t rate their fruit and veg, I need to get some dietary specific items from Asda and then Tesco do the Clubcard offers and I also like their F&V

Ponoka7 · 04/02/2022 15:59

"I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag"

I see someone has beat me to it, but Let her? It isn't up to you and she doesn't have to alter her behaviour because you feel guilty. She isn't asking for lifts. She's keeping fit. What else is she going to be doing?
She isn't elderly, she's got ten years yet. She sounds like my Mum, who was still doing this until her late 70's. She was well until she died, no care home etc needed. I've got people in my life who keep offering lifts but it cuts down on what I can fit in, so I reject the offers and I'm healthier for it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2022 16:00

She’s gotta fill her time somehow.

It’s good for her to toddle around with a trolly and get on buses - she gets exercise, social interaction and a workout for her brain. If you want to show willing take her to one.

Ponoka7 · 04/02/2022 16:02

@Monopolyiscrap, she wouldn't be described as elderly by a doctor. They were keen to point out that not all 70 year olds are equal and those still working and active have younger bodies, medically speaking.

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/02/2022 16:03

Oh blimey OP - if she’s working FT and only 68 (which is elderly but only just) leave her to it. From your description I thought she was 87 and unsteady on her feet.

Seriously, don’t give it another thought.

AtlasPine · 04/02/2022 16:04

The ageism here on this thread is appalling.

Don’t offer to do anything you don’t want to do. Make it clear what you can do, and do it if she wants you to. Pushing yourself to go half way round town with a trolley seeking bargains is a choice. One she is quite entitled to make. And enabling it as and when she can’t manage herself is another choice. One you don’t have to make.

I don’t see the issue here. She gets some kind of satisfaction doing it so she can crack on and do it.

Bellringer · 04/02/2022 16:07

My relative does this, spends more on bus or petrol than he saves

Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 16:07

My parents have their own little foibles. They would never do what your mum does, but have other eccentricities instead. If they are doing it without your input then it really does not matter.

Lovemusic33 · 04/02/2022 16:07

She probably enjoys it, it gets her out, she gets a change of scenery, talks to different people in the checkout, gets exercise walking around and several bus rides. What else has she got to do with her time?

12548ehe9fnfobms · 04/02/2022 16:09

Good grief, 68 is no age. I'd like to see my children try to control me at that age! 'Let' her indeed.
She's a grown ass women who is not asking you for anything. Leave her get on with it.
I'd love to hear her side of this, I would hazard a guess that she doesn't want your lifts but doesn't want to say no because she thinks you are lonely!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 04/02/2022 16:10

I shop around to an extent, in that I know I can get some things only from Tesco. If I can put them off and buy them all in a week I'll do a Tesco shop, if not then it'll be a aldi.

But, I've got very limited time to shop, if I was retired I might trawl around more for specific things I like!

mistermagpie · 04/02/2022 16:10

God I was thinking she was 90 or something!

My nana who is in her 90s does this, but it's a bit of a hobby/gives her a reason to get out of the house every day (not being patronising, that's what she says).

In your mums case she's working full time, financially and physically capable and wants to shop this way. If your driving her then of course object if you want to, but otherwise leave her to it.

ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 16:10

@Vodkaandgingerale

This is a photo I took at my PIL house ... it reminds me of how much time they have 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Heh!
EmpressSuiko · 04/02/2022 16:12

Surely the little amount being saved is essentially being used up by the fuel usuals?

Ceebeegee · 04/02/2022 16:12

I sympathise, my dad is the same. He will go to B&M for one thing, Wilkos for another, Iceland for another, CoOp for another and Asda for another, saving around 5p-20p on 1-2 items, taking half an hour to save 20p.

I put my foot down in lockdown and got him everything from one shop, he was quite cross the I'd bought the bleach and bog roll from Asda because they're 10-20p cheaper in B&M!

(He isn't struggling for money by any stretch, just to clarify!).

EmpressSuiko · 04/02/2022 16:12

Usage*

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/02/2022 16:13

My parents are 66 and 70 and not elderly. They are both fit and healthy and spritely. Far from elderly.

Ceebeegee · 04/02/2022 16:13

Posted to soon.. I should add that I gave him the 30p difference so he wasnt out of pocket!

erinaceus · 04/02/2022 16:15

If she seems to revel in it then I think you should not try to stop her, although I do think it is fair to refuse to schlep her from shop to shop yourself.

If you are concerned about her wellbeing taking the bus in all weathers, can you raise this concern with her, and see what she says? Maybe ensure that she is aware that there are alternatives when the weather is inclement, and perhaps support her in being kitted out with good outdoor gear (coat, hat and scarf) and one of those wheely shopping bag things. Does she carry a mobile phone in case of emergences, so she could call you or get a taxi if she feels unwell?

Workconundrummergirl · 04/02/2022 16:17

I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag.

I assumed she was late 70s plus, physically vulnerable, maybe concerns about her wellbeing but she works full time so presumably is capable of making these choices for herself. By all means say in only driving you to tesco as your boundary but she doesn't need your permission. If it annoys you, disengage from it.

Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 16:18

@EmpressSuiko

Surely the little amount being saved is essentially being used up by the fuel usuals?
She has a free bus pass.
ApolloandDaphne · 04/02/2022 16:18

68 really isn't elderly. My DM only stopped teaching her fitness classes at the age of 74. I am almost 60 and I have no intention of being classed as elderly in 8 years time! I still plan to be going to rock gigs and travelling the world!

bubblesbubbles11 · 04/02/2022 16:19

"She's still working full time!"
"I offer to take her because I feel guilty thinking of her going out in all weathers in the winter and an irregular bus service."

I kind of understand the sense of satisfaction she might get from "getting the best bargain" and always getting the lowest prices for things etc. But i really think it only works efficiently if

  • she has a (very) cost effective method of transport between the various retailers (and your car is most likely not going to end up being very effective unless you drive a van and a whole street load do the rounds on a regular basis!!)
  • she can afford to bulk buy things when they are on really good offer and has places to store those (non perishable) things and is sure they will continue to be things she will want and use until she has used them up
  • in terms of perishable things it is probably wise to encourage reducing it to a few things she really loves - eg fresh bread from this bakers etc - otherwise all her non working waking hours could be consumed by this

sometimes these things are fueled by an underlying dissatisfaction with how much money a person has (they want to squeeze more out of life) or a (justified or otherwise) pre occupation with the idea that everyone (including the supermarkets) are out to get them and rip them off.

With rising food prices I dont think the above pre occupation is necessarily unreasonable but you do have to balance it against other things (eg cost of fuel to get there) otherwise there is literally no £ saving for her sense of satisfaction that she paid the lowest price.