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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be driven nuts by these shopping habits?

177 replies

pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 14:53

This is very much something I think my grandparents have passed on and it's slowly pushing me over the edge. My DM is ok financially but refuses to pay more money than she absolutely has to for anything.

She likes to get different things from different supermarkets. She doesn't drive and she spends her weekend going between Sainsbury's, Aldi, Asda, M & S and Tesco to do her full shop. This involves many bus trips.

I will happy take her by car to do her shopping but I can't cope with the multiple shops. She wanted a specific bar of chocolate and in Asda it was £1.50 and she refused to get it as 'its only £1 in Tesco'. She would rather check out, drive to Tesco (or get the bus if she was by herself) and go into another supermarket on the off chance they had it, to save 50p.

I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag. I get her an online delivery for heavier items but she seems to sort of revel in this hunter/gatherer role. During the pandemic when you were meant to limit outings she was constantly roaming different supermarkets and wasn't going to let a pandemic get in the way of 'I prefer Aldi brand of XYZ'.

Is this an age thing? Should I be more accommodating? She expects me to do it to and when she's rummaging in our fridge (!) tells me I've overspent by £2 by getting whatever from this one shop instead of shopping around.

OP posts:
Baggiepussy · 04/02/2022 15:15

Charge her for the petrol used to go to each shop 😂😂😂

TheKeatingFive · 04/02/2022 15:15

I offer to take her because I feel guilty thinking of her going out in all weathers in the winter and an irregular bus service.

Don't feel guilty, if she wants to do it like this let her

christinarossetti19 · 04/02/2022 15:17

If she's working FT and enjoys spending her leisure time traipsing round supermarkets for the thrill of saving 20p, then I don't see what the problem is tbh.

In the nicest possible way, it's not up to you to 'let her out' with her shopping trolley or decide what weather is suitable for her to be out in!

You sound like a very caring daughter - the best thing you can probably do for both of you is to just accept it's the way she likes to do things, which is different to your priorities in life, but that's okay.

Cuddlemuffin · 04/02/2022 15:18

Ah she's not doing anyone any harm. Maybe she enjoys it and it gives her a sense of purpose that keeps her going. I think it's fine to say you are only going to take her to one supermarket and make that clear from the start. She can go to others in her own time as long as she is able and happy to. If it really bothers you then I would leave her to it completely with the shopping and just see her in a different capacity for a coffee or lunch x

actiongirl1978 · 04/02/2022 15:18

Leave her to it.

I do this to a degree though, not money saving but items I prefer.

So I only eat Aldi very dark chocolate, use lidl washing powder, buy large bags of cashews from Asda, buy my yoghurts and Rude health crackers from Waitrose. I do spend a lot of time in the supermarket!

madnessitellyou · 04/02/2022 15:18

My dad was like that. I put it down to having grown up in extreme poverty during the war and beyond. Even though he ended up being rather comfortable he couldn't shift that habit. I put a stop to it during the first lockdown as I was shopping for my parents (mum was shielding) and couldn't drive to six different supermarkets- no time!

I think my mum now revels in just going to the one (drove her crazy).

christinarossetti19 · 04/02/2022 15:19

68 isn't really elderly, not if someone is in good health.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/02/2022 15:20

I think you put your finger on it when you referred to her valuing the hunter-gatherer role. I would leave her to it - the effort she uses counts as exercise, and I'm sure she would stop if she didn't have the time (because then the extra cost could be justified).

Original poster
pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 15:21

@madnessitellyou

My dad was like that. I put it down to having grown up in extreme poverty during the war and beyond. Even though he ended up being rather comfortable he couldn't shift that habit. I put a stop to it during the first lockdown as I was shopping for my parents (mum was shielding) and couldn't drive to six different supermarkets- no time!

I think my mum now revels in just going to the one (drove her crazy).

I wondered as well if it was a sort of thing from my grandparents where they'd go to the butcher for meat, the greengrocer for vegetables etc.
OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/02/2022 15:23

Its an age thing. Let her get on with it. But I wouldn't drive her round multiple shops. Older people hate paying for parking. They use public transport even if its inconvenient and takes ten times as long.

TheHaka · 04/02/2022 15:28

It’s something she sees as a challenge. I used to shop around when I hadn’t got much money, this continued when I did have money. I’d look online though to see the offers, rather than traipse all over the place. I still like a bargain, but no longer obsess over it as I don’t want to spend my life shopping or standing in queues. Since the virus I shop mainly online now. Leave here to it, she wouldn’t do it if she didn’t enjoy it.

shoofly · 04/02/2022 15:29

This was my Mum... I think she enjoyed the social aspect of it all, so Lidl for this item. Tesco for that, Asda for the other... The wee organic farm out the road for the veg... She was retired, widowed and still active and would enjoy the buzzing about and would meet people out and about.
Unfortunately when she became house bound, she wanted to continue to shop like this... So I have a job and 2 children and would visit on a Saturday (it was a 2 hour drive to her house) I used to try to anticipate it, and try to pick up things for her while doing my own shopping...
Invariably I'd get to her house and be faced with various lists where she wanted me to run around like a blue assed fly... It was hugely frustrating and caused endless arguments... Particularly after one very fraught Saturday where I'd also had to go to the Post office and the bank! I was tidying up to go home again, and she said 'ah it's awful you're away home again. I've hardly even seen you.... Confused'

I think if your mum is capable of doing it. Let her crack on and stay out of it

Hugasauras · 04/02/2022 15:29

Oh my gran and great auntie did this for leisure! It was a day out for them!

DysmalRadius · 04/02/2022 15:29

I'm the opposite - my kids have allergies and there are certain favourites that can only be bought in different shops. I HATE having to go to Sainsbury's for breadsticks, Morrisons for pizza, Waitrose for frozen rolls and Asda for cous cous! Maybe your mum could provide some sort of community shopping service for people like me who would gladly pay her to pick up one or two bits from EVERY shop in the world!

theqentity · 04/02/2022 15:31

Christ I hope I'm not that bored when I'm 68.

Original poster
pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 15:36

@shoofly

This was my Mum... I think she enjoyed the social aspect of it all, so Lidl for this item. Tesco for that, Asda for the other... The wee organic farm out the road for the veg... She was retired, widowed and still active and would enjoy the buzzing about and would meet people out and about. Unfortunately when she became house bound, she wanted to continue to shop like this... So I have a job and 2 children and would visit on a Saturday (it was a 2 hour drive to her house) I used to try to anticipate it, and try to pick up things for her while doing my own shopping... Invariably I'd get to her house and be faced with various lists where she wanted me to run around like a blue assed fly... It was hugely frustrating and caused endless arguments... Particularly after one very fraught Saturday where I'd also had to go to the Post office and the bank! I was tidying up to go home again, and she said 'ah it's awful you're away home again. I've hardly even seen you.... Confused'

I think if your mum is capable of doing it. Let her crack on and stay out of it

This is something I'm now wondering about further down the line. Will she expect me to go to these shops for her when she's no longer able?

I think of myself as a fairly patient person but recently I've lost it in the aisles a couple of times when she asks to visit yet another shop!

OP posts:
SamphiretheStickerist · 04/02/2022 15:40

I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag.

LET HER???

Is she not capable of making her own decisions? Do you have PoA for her?

At 68 and still working she is perfectly capable of choosing to fill her days as she wants. You don't have to like it! How you feel about it is neither here nor there.

Chloemol · 04/02/2022 15:41

I would be leaving her to it
I would agree to take her to one supermarket that’s it, she wants anything from the others she gets it herself

SamphiretheStickerist · 04/02/2022 15:41

I think of myself as a fairly patient person but recently I've lost it in the aisles a couple of times when she asks to visit yet another shop!

Maybe she prefers trundling on an off buses looking for a cheaper bar of chocolate to spending her time listening to you telling her how she can't be doing this any more!

Original poster
pumpkinsquish1 · 04/02/2022 15:42

@SamphiretheStickerist

I'm finding it harder as she gets older to let her keep going out herself with her trolley bag.

LET HER???

Is she not capable of making her own decisions? Do you have PoA for her?

At 68 and still working she is perfectly capable of choosing to fill her days as she wants. You don't have to like it! How you feel about it is neither here nor there.

Well let her get the bus as opposed to offering to drive her.
OP posts:
ElftonWednesday · 04/02/2022 15:45

I'd maybe offer to drive her to the first one, or pick her up, or do both but not all the ferrying in between.

sillysmiles · 04/02/2022 15:47

I appreciate you are coming at it from a point of concern and care, but do you really think it is ok to try to change her?
Would you appreciate someone trying to change you, when you haven't even asked for her help.

On the days you are driving her, can you not embrace it and stop for coffee or lunch or something. You are still spending time with her.

I think you either chill and go with it or leave her be.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/02/2022 15:47

68 isn't elderly!!
Let her crack on. It's clearly her hobby and makes her happy.

WindInTheWillows7 · 04/02/2022 15:49

I understand her attitude - I hate spending more than I need to on food. I want to spend my money on fun things, like holidays. BUT it depends on whether you value your time over your money, which is a very individual matter. If your mum has plenty of time on her hands, perhaps it's no bother to her to use a chunk of it saving money so she can enjoy her money more.

WindInTheWillows7 · 04/02/2022 15:54

Also, as someone who lost my mum when I was a teenager, I'd urge you to not get too hung up about these little eccentricities. There are so many times I lost my temper with my mum or wished she was different, and I so wish I could go back in time and just enjoy all the time I had with her. "We all have our little ways", in the words of Winnie the Pooh.