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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

448 replies

TulipVictory · 03/02/2022 21:05

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

OP posts:
GettingStuffed · 04/02/2022 11:01

I'd say YABU for expecting her to help, but then again I could not imagine someone being awkward about looking after their grandchildren. I'm always on hand to help DD when she needs childcare.

Merryhobnobs · 04/02/2022 11:03

I had two sets of hands on grandparents. My kids have none. One is widowed and Ives far away and refuses to travel by themselves. One still works shifts and my own mum has been very difficult since the kids were born, but we just got an explanation. She has early on set alzheimers. So no we get no help from any of them. It's been difficult as we never expected the level of support our own grandparents offered but it's no hands I. Support really at all. Luckily we now have fantastic local friends who do help out and we are lucky but it's taken a long time.

JazzHandsYeah · 04/02/2022 11:09

Neither of my (divorced) parents have so much has even babysat once. Both emigrated to opposite sides of the world the year their first grandchild was born.
Now almost 20 years later with 4 teenage grandchildren, they moan they don’t have much a relationship with them, but have never made any sort of effort.
But, y’know, you get what you put in and they’ve put nothing in. I’m glad in a way I did it without ever having to rely on them. Means I don’t feel guilty about their lack of relationship with their GC’s.

Campfirewood · 04/02/2022 11:11

It’s such a shame on these threads when people don’t care about a close relationship with their grandkids.
I totally get it Op.
No you’re not entitled to it, but it’s ok to feel sad they’re not that interested in their grand kids.
I’ve got friends who are very involved in their grand kids lives and really care and I’m so jealous.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/02/2022 11:14

The way I see it Your Mum has done all that with her kids, the going out on day trips etc, Its your job to do that sort of thing now for your kids.

Now my kids are older the thought of going out on day trips with other peoples kids (even if they were my grandkids) would not be appealing at all. Been there, done that and its bloody tiring.

Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 11:16

Yes that is sad OP.
But I do wonder if there is more to this. Is your mum a carer for her mum? Being a carer for someone elderly can be incredibly hard and carers rarely get help from anyone.
I wonder if they didn't want to sleep overnight in your house because they didn't want to leave your gran alone? Most elderly people go to the toilet at night and maybe your gran needs some help?
Maybe your mum didn't have the time to travel by bus to meet you at your appointment as it would have meant leaving your gran alone for too long?

Apologies if I am wrong. But I have met various adults who seem totally unaware of the caring role their parent has and what the implications are.

JustLyra · 04/02/2022 11:20

@Hrpuffnstuff1

When I and Mrs Hr have a baby her mum is coming to live with us. Which is the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm not sure how that is going to work out.
You’ll get lots of horror stories, but my only regret about my MIL living with us is that we didn’t do it sooner.

That’s not to say there haven’t been moments, but there are moments with DH and the kids as well when I’ve wanted them to leave!

Set your boundaries - keep in mind that it’s not the big things that are going to trip you up. Big things can be discussed and foreseen - it’s the little things that biggie and fester. Like ketchup in the fridge or cupboard (we have both now and the house is harmonious).

Pinkyantelope · 04/02/2022 11:22

@Monopolyiscrap

Yes that is sad OP. But I do wonder if there is more to this. Is your mum a carer for her mum? Being a carer for someone elderly can be incredibly hard and carers rarely get help from anyone. I wonder if they didn't want to sleep overnight in your house because they didn't want to leave your gran alone? Most elderly people go to the toilet at night and maybe your gran needs some help? Maybe your mum didn't have the time to travel by bus to meet you at your appointment as it would have meant leaving your gran alone for too long?

Apologies if I am wrong. But I have met various adults who seem totally unaware of the caring role their parent has and what the implications are.

She's said that the GPS don't have to look after the mother, who's self sufficient.
Monopolyiscrap · 04/02/2022 11:25

Okay sorry missed that.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 04/02/2022 11:25

My parents never help only occasionally but they live an hour away.
The trade off is they hardly get to see their grandchild now, so they can't moan if they aren't willing to spend more time with him because I'm certainly not going out of my way.

chaosrabbitland · 04/02/2022 11:28

im lucky my mum has always wanted to help look after dd , even now shes 84 and dd is 13 she still wants her over to stay at her flat on weekends , sometimes if dd wants to see her dad or have a weekend with me she will miss , but otherwise she wants to stay with my mum ,
as she said its company as shes been alone now for a long time since my dad passed away

she doesnt often come to us just because she really needs a hip replacement ,but refuses to have one ,so struggles a bit with our stairs and i worry its too much up and down for her , we dont sadly have a downstairs loo

personally op i wouldnt feel obligated to go over every week in your circumstances ,

MsVanDeKamp · 04/02/2022 11:30

Yes. My DM lives 10 miles away, drives, is fairly young, retired and been widowed for a long time. If I invite her anywhere she says she will see what she's doing on the day. I assume she thinks she may get a better offer. She does no childcare at all. I asked her to take my child to a hospital appointment a few years ago. Was for her asthma, nothing contagious. She said she couldn't as she was busy. Turns out she was doing her weekly food shop. After that I stopped putting in the effort to see if she would ring first or invite us anywhere. I see her once every 2 months on average now, for around 30 minutes. Usually when dropping off cards or gifts for events. My DC do not ask after her as she was never particularly loving towards them and I find my life is much less stressful now. Things are pleasant when I see her but she is not part of my life.

I hear she whines to her siblings that she doesnt see us but I just tell them she has a phone and fingers so she can ring me anytime she likes and I am free to see her any weekend. It goes both ways. Luckily she is like this with them as well so they do understand.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 04/02/2022 11:32

Im a grandma and I don't owe my children any child care! I love my grandchildren and see them often but i have to admit id rather pop round and see them at their own house so that i can escape when they become to much. As for trips out with them lets be honest here trips to the park or other places kids enjoy are mind numbingly boring, i did my days of that with my own children and have no wish to repeat it. I think your expectations are to high op and you will just have to accept that your parents are who they are and that's not going to change.

Kanfuzed123 · 04/02/2022 11:33

Grandparent entitlement really baffles me. Wanting to see children but exclusively on their terms and expecting the children to be brought to them. I’d never expect overnights or anything especially if GPs are elderly and children are v young. I used to love sleeping at my grandparents as a child.

I actually wanted to start a similar thread to this, grandparents on both sides make 0 effort, i mean not even enquiring about their welfare via text or call, FIL doesn’t even know their bdays, my mother doesn’t pronounce their names correctly, MIL begged to watch dd and baby sit but the level of care was basically neglect so we had to stop it it was that bad, yet all 3 sets (my mother, MIL and FIL and step MIL) expect the children to be carted to their houses regularly to sit in their living rooms whilst they watch tv and occasionally interact with them. ILs have been invited to picnics and days out (all relatively local) yet MIL came once (refused to pay, we had to) and moaned the whole fucking day and ruined it for us, FIL never bothered and MIL never since. Yet they want the children brought to them to spend time with them, like the deadbeat grandparent roadshow.

I guess some grandparents actually aren’t that fussed

Mamanyt · 04/02/2022 11:34

Oh, I know how frustrating this can be. My mother would watch the boys for an hour and a half, once a week, for my DH and me to go and have a cup of coffee in peace. Any other requests were met with, "I raised mine, now you can raise yours." She didn't seem to understand that she had full time household help who did most of that raising!

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2022 11:36

They don't have to put the effort in. There's no law that says your parents owe you childcare.

Would it be nice if they wanted to? Of course it would! It would be lovely. Ideally families would want to help each other out

But you just cannot have an attitude of them pulling their weight, acting like you are entitled to childcare from them. You're not

XjustagirlX · 04/02/2022 11:38

I feel so sorry for the people in this thread who believe ‘they have done their time raising children’. They clearly seem to think the issue is childcare when in fact it is all to do with relationship building. The majority clearly don’t see the benefit of having a wonderful grandparent/grandchild relationship. I see lots of people in their own ‘little family’ bubbles and then wonder why they are lonely.

I fully expect these grandparents to wonder why in 20 years time they are so lonely. Once their partner has died they can’t understand why their children and grandchildren don’t visit!

Also family is about helping each other out. Will these grandparents really never need any help? With say the Internet, or technology, care needs when they are older? Hospital appointments?

We are supposed to help each other as decent adults. We should help out our older relatives and they should help out with childcare on some occasions, unless they are never expecting any help in their old age.

XjustagirlX · 04/02/2022 11:39

As for actual advice to you OP. I would just stop visiting so often. Maybe visit once every two months. If your mum asks why the visits stopped I would be saying ‘coz you never make the effort’. Just be honest with her.

MsVanDeKamp · 04/02/2022 11:40

As for trips out with them lets be honest here trips to the park or other places kids enjoy are mind numbingly boring, i did my days of that with my own children and have no wish to repeat it.

My DM is completely on your wave length here but my MIL adores things like this. If we go to a water park or something she (at almost 80) will not join in with, she asks to come along and just sits and watches. She is extremely active, still drives and does hospital volunteering a few days a week so its not her only chance to get out. Also (pre covid) I had to take my DD to monthly hospital appointments that often had an hour+ waiting time. Over 50% of the time MIL would randomly show up in the waiting room with some surprise cakes or snacks for us both.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 04/02/2022 11:42

@JustLyra
Mrs. Hr is from a Baltic country, so it's a cultural norm. I think it's a great idea. However, I'm unsure how day-to-day living or impromptu scenarios are going to pan out.

Booklover3 · 04/02/2022 11:42

I feel you Flowers

Looneytune253 · 04/02/2022 11:44

I actually think you are being very unreasonable on both examples you've given. You would like a favour from your parents but you also want it all on your terms. I wouldn't want to babysit as a sleepover in someone else's house but would do it at my own. Also the thing about the appointment I don't think that's unreasonable of your mum to ask.

JustLyra · 04/02/2022 11:45

[quote Hrpuffnstuff1]@JustLyra
Mrs. Hr is from a Baltic country, so it's a cultural norm. I think it's a great idea. However, I'm unsure how day-to-day living or impromptu scenarios are going to pan out.[/quote]
Hopefully it works out for you.

It’s been an amazing thing for us.

Blossomtoes · 04/02/2022 11:45

Since when did family relationships become transactional? And childcare become a down payment for help if you become frail? There are two sides to ‘done my time’, how often do we see ‘they’ve had their turn’? You can’t have it both ways.

The only time we ever receive an invitation from our grandchildren’s parents is when they want childcare. The latest ‘invitation’ is for an entire weekend when they’re both at work. It would be really nice to go and see them when they’re both there but that’s ‘family time’ apparently.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2022 11:45

@Hrpuffnstuff1

When I and Mrs Hr have a baby her mum is coming to live with us. Which is the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm not sure how that is going to work out.
Depends on an awful lot of things. My MIL stayed with us for 7 weeks when I had my first - in the UK - she came just before due date and stayed for several weeks after DS1 was born. Mostly it was very useful - she didn't monopolise the baby, she didn't try and tell me how to do stuff, and she quietly kept the house running in the background while DH was working and I was doing 2h feeding sessions (not fun). Occasionally it was oppressive - especially sometimes, I just didn't like the way she was clapping him on the bottom, or some of the things she said to him, but I bit my tongue and just took DS1 back off her when it got too difficult for me to hold it in. But when she left, I did miss the help. I didn't have parental help myself at that point (valid reasons) so then DH had to step up, which initially he didn't, but after a "chat" he did better. He'd basically stopped doing much while his mum was there, because she was doing her "mum" thing for him - and he had to re-learn how to adult when she left.

If your MIL is there to be background support, then great!
If she spends all her time trying to "mother" the baby, then Not Great!
If you get on with her well, then hopefully that will continue but I think her "living with you" has to have an endpoint, in all seriousness, unless your wife is planning on going back to work after a few weeks, leaving baby in her mother's care.
Hopefully you have a set up where she can have her own space, so she's not constantly in yours - otherwise that could turn out poorly.
Good luck!